Author DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 I might have read the marriage thing a bit differently than other people. I assumed you meant she was upfront about wanting to be married in the next few years- that isn't unreasonable and will save you both drama if you figure out now that you're not on the same page. In that case, telling her that you wouldn't even consider the idea of marriage for a few years would make her bail and if it is how you really feel, it would be for the best. If she is hardcore talking about the two of you getting married soon, talking about dates and rings that is a whole different story. She doesn't know you, she can't know if you're the guy yet. That kind of behavior suggests instability. And back to her promiscuity, you still sound more promiscuous than her. I'm not arguing about the promiscuity. I have been more promiscuous than her, at least with respect to sex. She's probably made out with more men than I have women (and I consider kissing someone a relatively intimate act). But agreed. I have definitely been promiscuous and have done things I'd look down on her for doing. To be honest, I'd expect her to look down on me for doing it. She's overlooking it and I'm having a somewhat hard time doing the same thing. I'm not claiming to be right here.. To be honest, I'd hope people will tell me I'm being dumb about this. This is a girl I really care about. I've never felt this way about a woman. With respect to the talking about marriage stuff. Its not like she's out picking out rings or anything like that. We're talking about off hand comments here and there about how we're going to be together forever. How she wants to marry me and have my children.. etc. More like cute asides that have a bit of a "we're moving too fast" undertone, if that makes sense. We haven't had any serious conversations that we're going to get married or anything.
Author DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 I have a sneaking suspicion you're going to find out that this woman isn't very close to/doesn't get along with her family, or at least has considerable conflict in her close interpersonal relationships. It sounds like she is using the one part of "relationships" she is really really good at--that is, the awesome sex--to make up for rather severe deficiencies in other important aspects of relationships. Just responding to this aspect of the post.. She's actually very close to her family. At least in my experience, she's also very good at other aspects of relationships. Its not like we only have sex. Thats certainly a big part of our connection thus far, but its not like we haven't been hanging out otherwise. She's funny.. she's smart.. she's got good artistic taste.. she's a good cook (and other little things).. Appears to be (at least by her actions the last three months) faithful and loving. The only drawbacks she seems to have are her past decisions.. and some of them are decisions I've been on the wrong end of, as well. Just not all of them. And the aggregate effect of it is a bit of a red flag.
that girl Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I have been more promiscuous than her, at least with respect to sex. She's probably made out with more men than I have women (and I consider kissing someone a relatively intimate act). But agreed. I have definitely been promiscuous and have done things I'd look down on her for doing. To be honest, I'd expect her to look down on me for doing it. She's overlooking it and I'm having a somewhat hard time doing the same thing. I'm not claiming to be right here.. In this case, it sounds like you should be talking to a therapist. You obviously have some issues with your own past as well as hers.
Author DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 If she were 35 and slept with less than 10 people, would that be better? Three months into a new relationship, maybe hold off on the marriage discussion until you sort things out. Well, she's going to be a very good looking 35 year old, so yes. LOL. Joking aside, I would prefer that she'd been more picky with who she hooked up with. Just like she might prefer that I'd been with less women (although, frankly, based on conversations with her, I think she sees it as an attribute in some respects). I'm not dismissing her at all. She was only promiscuous for a short period of time a number of years ago and I'm trying to come to grips with my own personal issues on the subject. In terms of marriage discussions, there haven't really been any. As noted in the prior post, its more along the lines of her dropping asides that stem from her being around the age where her biological clock starts ticking.
Author DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 In this case, it sounds like you should be talking to a therapist. You obviously have some issues with your own past as well as hers. "Look down on" is probably the wrong way to phrase it. More like "think would be a less attractive long term partner." If a woman saw my life-long bachelorhood as a reason why she might not want to settle down with me, I wouldn't assume she had personal issues. I would understand that response to my past behavior. It seems to me a valid concern when it comes to relationships and I'll concede that particular personal flaw (for lack of a better term). Maybe I need therapy, but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion because of this particular point.. although I'm obviously biased.
Author DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 Successful relationships don't happen when two people with some flaws get together and mutually decide to give each other a bunch of mulligans for them. That's just sweeping the issues under the rug. To be fair, EVERY successful relationship in human history has involved people with flaws that got together and decided to forgive each other's faults/sins. Just sayin.
Author DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 OP, I hate to be a cynic, but why don't you just enjoy the ride and see if you can even get to six months with this woman before stressing out over any of this stuff. If she is as seemingly hot sexy intelligent beautiful witty and great as you say she was, she was even more so in her 20's. She has two broken engagements and a failed, more recent four year relationship, she has a pattern of getting involved with abusive men. So why would both engagements break up? I would say there are some pretty good odds she cheated on at least one of her ex-fiances and that's why they broke it off. The only other reason would be that they cheated on her, but she would have told you that already. Have you actually had a discussion with her yet, where you discussed and she fully committed to emotional and sexual exclusivity with you? When did that discussion happen? Has she had sex with anyone else besides you in the past three months? When, who, what circumstances? Have you asked her why those prior relationships broke up to get some insight? I'm not disagreeing that you should be a cynic. Appreciate the frankness. And I'm all about enjoying the ride and don't disagree that I should chill for the time being. That would make more sense.. I've spent most of my adult life "enjoying the ride." but you feel what you feel and it turns out I've fallen for this woman. I'm venting now because its on my mind and this is a relationship that is both somewhat foreign (because I'm a lifelong bachelor) and has the potential to be serious (given our ages, positions in life, etc). With respect to the last three months.. we had the monogamy discussion a couple months ago after we realized how much we cared about each other. If she's hooked up with anyone else in the last few months, I have no reason to think so. She's been very open with everyone about our relationship (and with me about pretty much everything - - to a fault, to be honest). Although I don't consider anyone completely beyond reproach, I trust that she's been faithful. We've discussed why her past relationships broke off. The first engagement was when she was 18 with her high school sweetheart/first love and they moved past each other. The second was at the end of college, and he cheated on her. Same goes with the recent 4 year relationship. He cheated on her and she tried to save the relationship because of the time together.
Jannah Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Well, she's going to be a very good looking 35 year old, so yes. LOL. Joking aside, I would prefer that she'd been more picky with who she hooked up with. Just like she might prefer that I'd been with less women (although, frankly, based on conversations with her, I think she sees it as an attribute in some respects). I'm not dismissing her at all. She was only promiscuous for a short period of time a number of years ago and I'm trying to come to grips with my own personal issues on the subject. In terms of marriage discussions, there haven't really been any. As noted in the prior post, its more along the lines of her dropping asides that stem from her being around the age where her biological clock starts ticking. When you say you'd rather prefer she would have been more picky, I assume that means in terms of her number? I only assume that, because you could not possibly know each man personally. And yes, women do have a biological clock. But in all fairness, so do men.... One study examined 97 men between the ages of 22 and 80 and found that as they aged their semen volume decreased by 0.001 ounce (0.03 milliliter) per year from an average total of 0.09 ounce (2.7 milliliters) and their "total progressively motile sperm count"—a rough index for the fertility potential of one's sperm based on its movement—decreased about five percent with each year they aged.
Author DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 When you say you'd rather prefer she would have been more picky, I assume that means in terms of her number? I only assume that, because you could not possibly know each man personally. And yes, women do have a biological clock. But in all fairness, so do men.... One study examined 97 men between the ages of 22 and 80 and found that as they aged their semen volume decreased by 0.001 ounce (0.03 milliliter) per year from an average total of 0.09 ounce (2.7 milliliters) and their "total progressively motile sperm count"—a rough index for the fertility potential of one's sperm based on its movement—decreased about five percent with each year they aged. I definitely do not know all of the men she's been with personally (in fact, I know none of them personally). But, I was talking more about her number and the way it was achieved in a short period of time.. Plus, she has flat out told me she had a time in her life when she just wanted to make out with someone whenever she went out.. Would just grab someone at a bar, etc. She's admitted to not being picky about that. Plus, to be frank, she's a good looking girl. She was being pelted with advances like any good looking woman and she spent a couple years being less discriminate with who she slept with. In terms of biological clocks. I have to say that comparing a man's biological clock to a woman's is a bit absurd. It may work philosophically, but, in practice, there's no comparison. I'm not trying to be derisive, but there's really no comparison.
Surrealist Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I Don't get it, you come on the forum with a thread entitled: "I need someone to tell me I'm being an idiot" and then proceed to defend your thinking of this girl against logical, well-reasoned suggestions that she may not suitable for an LTR? So then, does this make you an even bigger idiot?
Jannah Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I definitely do not know all of the men she's been with personally (in fact, I know none of them personally). But, I was talking more about her number and the way it was achieved in a short period of time.. Plus, she has flat out told me she had a time in her life when she just wanted to make out with someone whenever she went out.. Would just grab someone at a bar, etc. She's admitted to not being picky about that. Plus, to be frank, she's a good looking girl. She was being pelted with advances like any good looking woman and she spent a couple years being less discriminate with who she slept with. In terms of biological clocks. I have to say that comparing a man's biological clock to a woman's is a bit absurd. It may work philosophically, but, in practice, there's no comparison. I'm not trying to be derisive, but there's really no comparison. I am trying to wrap my head around your thinking in terms of her past. I hear your concerns, I am just not sure I agree with them. You are 31, have been with between 40-50 women and have had no long term relationships. That doesn't really qualify you as someone who is picky. It qualifies you, as someone who has slept with a lot of women and chose that over having a meaningful relationship with someone.
Surrealist Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 And back to her promiscuity, you still sound more promiscuous than her. I submit, in this instance, that both parties to the relationship are made from the same lump of clay. The rest is a mere contest of who has wee wee'd the furtherest.
Knittress Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 She sounds like an open, adventurous person. Would you have been half so compatible if she was the type of woman to sit around and drink herbal tea on a Saturday night?
Jannah Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 She sounds like an open, adventurous person. Would you have been half so compatible if she was the type of woman to sit around and drink herbal tea on a Saturday night? And he sounds like a non-open, adventurous person, based on his background. Perhaps that's considered an incompatibility with regard to the two.
skydiveaddict Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 (probably been with 40-50 women total). Yea, sure you have
Author DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 Yea, sure you have LOL. Ok. I guess there's no reason to believe me since I'm just some anonymous guy on a message board. but I'm not sure why I'd lie. Particularly given the context, I don't think being with 3 or 4 women a year qualifies as bragging, but do you. Believe what you want.
Jannah Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I just caught the OP's name reference...That movie sucks!
skydiveaddict Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 LOL. Ok. I guess there's no reason to believe me since I'm just some anonymous guy on a message board. but I'm not sure why I'd lie. Particularly given the context, I don't think being with 3 or 4 women a year qualifies as bragging, but do you. Believe what you want. Who said anything about "bragging" (other than you)? I'm just curious why you think it's relevant how many women you've slept with. I hear the same thing from the 19 year old kids in my squad.
Author DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 Who said anything about "bragging" (other than you)? I'm just curious why you think it's relevant how many women you've slept with. I hear the same thing from the 19 year old kids in my squad. If you don't think I'm bragging or otherwise lying somehow then why would you question me? Its relevant to the current situation because I know I'm being a hypocrite about the way I'm acting. I only mentioned it here because its an anonymous board and I can get an honest unbiased opinion about whats up. The fact I've slept around a little bit is definitely relevant when considering if I've been a dumbass judging this girl.
Author DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 I just caught the OP's name reference...That movie sucks! Negatory, good buddy. One of the best movies ever made. lol.
Jannah Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Negatory, good buddy. One of the best movies ever made. lol. Darn it!
Ruby Slippers Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 You keep waffling. First you say she's REALLY forward talking about long term. Then you say she's just dropped some hints. And so on. What do you want to do? What are your instincts telling you to do?
Ruby Slippers Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 And it is one of the finest films ever made!!!
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