DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Ok, so here's the situation. I'm 31. Three months ago I met my current girlfriend, who is about to turn 30. I've now had 5 monogamous relationships my entire life (she's the fifth), but have been sexually active since high school and relatively but not particularly promiscuous (probably been with 40-50 women total). I'm picky when it comes to settling down, so I've been single/dating for 15 years. I was perfectly happy being a bachelor until I was 40 until we met. From the moment I met her, I wanted to be with her.. We hit it off immediately.. she's bright, funny, beautiful (frankly, the most attractive woman I've ever been with).. has an amazing body.. she's crazy in a way that I love.. the sex life is unreal - - 4 or 5 times a day, etc... However, she has one flaw (if its even really a flaw). She has no filter. She shares everything. Without prompting, she's said things about her past.. including her sexual history.. and, I have to be honest, its bugging me a little. The thing is.. by any reasonable assessment, I've been a bit of a slut myself.. so I know I'm being a hypocrite. and some would argue insecure. But the thoughts are in my head nonetheless and I can't help thinking she's not the girl I thought she was and/or marriage material. What I'm hoping is that some people on here will give me some perspective and tell me if I'm being a moron questioning this girl. So, she'll be 30 in a month. She's been with 20 men (including me). But since she was 14, when she lost her virginity, she's been in relationships for approximately 14 of those 15-16 years. She claims to have never cheated and I believe her - - I don't think she'd lie because of how frank she is about everything. By her own admission, in the couple years in college, she "acted like a guy" and was a "kissing whore." She slept with 15 guys or so in two years. Made out with around 100. Had sex with two guys in the same day. Had sex with a guy that had a girlfriend that she knew about. Had booty call/**** buddy situations with "lovers she wouldn't want as a boyfriend." She's very sexually enlightened (porn star type sex).. She's stuck around in several relationships where her boyfriend cheated on her and/or abused her (primarily emotionally, but at least one put his hands on her and she stayed with him for awhile after). She's also been engaged twice (the most recently was about 6 years ago). She ended a 4 year off and on relationship in March. She's been REALLY forward about how she wants us to settle down long term. I don't mean to complain about her being into me.. but, she routinely says she wants us to get married and have kids.. spend the rest of our life together. We've been seeing each other since late July. All of that, but, like I said, she's hot as hell (and bright, funny, etc) and we click in a way that I don't think I've ever clicked with someone. I'm more attracted to her than any woman I've ever been with. So, here's the thing. I can't shake the thought that she was one of "those girls" when she was in college. There were definitely girls I knew then (and now) that I wouldn't choose to be in a long term relationship with, no matter how they looked/acted, because they were sexually indiscriminate. That said, I have to acknowledge the fact that I've slept with a few women and have done everything (other than getting engaged, staying through abuse, etc) that I'm getting annoyed at her for doing. I know I'm being a hypocrite abut the sexual history but I can't help it. I've been really picky about relationships and she's been both promiscuous relationship-wise and sexually, although that was several years ago. I guess I just want some third party perspective about this, because I'm torn. An instinctual part of me is getting weirded out about her history and the situation.. but another side of me wants to grab her forever. Her smile makes me crazy.. but I'm one in a relatively long line of guys. I need to know that I'm being an idiot.
abouttoloseit Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Hahah do you really want MY opinion lol. Dude you slept around with a bunch of girls, and your pissed cos she did it too with guys? WTF? Regardless of her situations. Ok ok ok, I'll get off my high horse. Ha, past is past right, woudln't you agree? It doesn't matter ONE SINGLE BIT what she's done in her past, it's nothing to do with you. She can do whatever she wants and you have to accept that....blajh blah blah...bored. But look, Oh noes, you haz a problem wiz it. I can't believe a guy with a number/experience like yours, would have such a problem like this, with her. LOL. Man, it's guys like you that give us a bad name. Yes you are being an idiot. More so if you stay with this girl. But if you do stay with her, you'll do us good guys a favour by taking her off the market. I don't know man, you can't be mad at her for doing everything you've done too. You two sound like your a match. That or Karma really does exist.
strength-abounds Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Hey Don, welcome to LS. IMO, this is woman that you should keep your guard up with for awhile longer. She has been engaged twice and now wants to settle down? This throws up a red flag, not to mention the little time you two have been an item. Don't blur the line between lust and love. Give it time dude and see what happens. And remember, a leopard's spots may fade over time but never vanishs completely. Good luck.
Author DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 Hahah do you really want MY opinion lol. Dude you slept around with a bunch of girls, and your pissed cos she did it too with guys? WTF? Regardless of her situations. Ok ok ok, I'll get off my high horse. Ha, past is past right, woudln't you agree? It doesn't matter ONE SINGLE BIT what she's done in her past, it's nothing to do with you. She can do whatever she wants and you have to accept that....blajh blah blah...bored. But look, Oh noes, you haz a problem wiz it. I can't believe a guy with a number/experience like yours, would have such a problem like this, with her. LOL. Man, it's guys like you that give us a bad name. Yes you are being an idiot. More so if you stay with this girl. But if you do stay with her, you'll do us good guys a favour by taking her off the market. I don't know man, you can't be mad at her for doing everything you've done too. You two sound like your a match. That or Karma really does exist. Calm down, man. Giving guys a bad name? Taking her off the market? Don't get cocky. I know I'm being a hypocrite, which is why I vented on here. I'm not happy that this **** annoys me.. I know its irrelevant. But you feel what you feel.
bac Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 You have mentioned in your post that you are 31 and then, that you have turned 40s. IMO if you are in 40s, you might want to settle soon. If you are 31, it is a good idea as well, if you met the right person. I have no idea why a mature woman would be so open about her sexual history with her man. It makes no sense. Does she have some good common sense? If she had so many experiences with males, how is it possible that she did not learn anything about man's way of thinking about girl's sexual history? Elther she puts you on a pedestal and trusts you unconditionally or she does not care if you respect her or see her as a wife material. Anyway, you might want to talk with her about your concerns because only she knows her values and ideas on the stuff that you worry about. If she says that she has the right values, there is a chance that it is true and sincere.
lamaman3 Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 A) Forget about her sexual history B) You've been with her for 3 MONTHS! Date her for another 2 years before you start thinking about marrying her. Or better yet - tell her you are open to Long term relationships and settling down but do not see yourself getting married.
Woggle Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I would be carful. Women like this have a very hard time making the transition to a commited relationship and a few years down the road you might end up like so many men on here.
that girl Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I can't shake the thought that she was one of "those girls" when she was in college. There were definitely girls I knew then (and now) that I wouldn't choose to be in a long term relationship with, no matter how they looked/acted, because they were sexually indiscriminate. Dude, you've slept with 40 or 50 women. You are sexual indiscriminate. You seem to have it in your head that at 40 you're going to settle down with some good girl, but you're ignoring the fact that a good girl might consider your sexual past a deal breaker. I think it is fine to be promiscuous and fine to not want to be with someone who has been promiscuous, but you can't be both. You've been with her for 3 MONTHS! Date her for another 2 years before you start thinking about marrying her. Or better yet - tell her you are open to Long term relationships and settling down but do not see yourself getting married. From what he has said about this girl, she will more than likely walk away if he sets a 2 year timeline to even consider marriage or if he says he doesn't see himself getting married. That doesn't mean I think he should get engaged now or in the near future (4 months isn't long enough), but she has made her intentions clear.
Surrealist Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Here's my prediction fwiw: Once the infatuation has died off, either or both of you won't know what you saw in each other and the relationship will likely come to an abrupt close. Continue rearranging the chairs on the deck in the meantime.
sanskrit Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Assuming you are 40. Other posters are ignoring that you haven't had many relationships and she has had several that have taken up most of her time, so she has been more of a ho in comparison to you while single. Younger posters are also ignoring that you have been sexually active for 20+ years and having only 3 sexual partners a year since 18 will land you with the number you have, that's certainly not worthy of being called "sexually indiscriminate." Don't let their insults bother you. Would discount her college promiscuity and be more concerned if it continued throughout her twenties. Would worry about her lack of filter though. Based on that and the other qualities you describe, is she an overly vivacious center of attention type? Does she have broad mood swings? Is she obsessed with physicality in herself or others? How long have you two been dating? Do you feel she is pushing more or you for commitment at this point?
Curious-One Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 lol guys and girls, OP is not 40, he is 31 years old, he was saying he was expecting to me single/not married until his 40's ... not that he met her he is changing his mind and is thinking about marrying her even though he is 31yo Honestly 3 months is too early to talk merrige imo. I would date her atleast 1 year before even thinking about merrige. As far as her sex life goes, 20 guys is not really bad considering she is 30 years old .. if she started sexing at 14 yo that means she has slept with aproximetely 1 different guy a year. You cant really expect to merry a 30 yo virgin in this day and age...if you are looking for that go to a arab country lol.
a_woman Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I think your anxiety comes from your brain telling you that you are moving too fast. You are only 31, you have just got out of your 20s, don't for a minute believe you know enough about women and life. Slow down, date her for a couple of years but my gut feeling is that this won't last. The sex certainly won't.
9Lives Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 One mistake people do in rel that come back to bite them later is ignore red flags cause of goo sex and fresh high emotions. Here's the deal, YOU DON'T LIKE HER SEXUAL HISTORY. It makes u uncomfortable. The real question is why does it bother you? Secondly, its only been 4 months and she trying to get to the alter. She don't even know you so what's up with that? I don't think its a bad idea to let someone know that u want a marriage but it seems a little too early. I say take your time. Nobody wants a failed marriage, kids hurt behind quick decisions not thought completely out, financial issues, etc Most important, be your own best friend. If you find u don't want a woman who was acting like a ho even tho u was...ain't nothing wrong with it to me. If u can get past it, that's cool too. Just give it some time and see what happpens. It sounds like u really like this girl.
utterer of lies Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I need someone to tell me I'm being an idiot. You are being an idiot.
Cee Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Sexual history in college is a confusing thing and I wouldn't read too much into it. The stuff people do in college with sex, drugs, alcohol, and pranks is pretty crazy. I bet if you started a thread on the craziest things people did in college, you'd be amazed. And there was a lot of drama and stupidity. We were 18, free for the first time in our lives, and couldn't handle it maturely. But most of us grew up just fine. Time will tell what kind of person your girlfriend has become and is becoming. Give the relationship time and allow yourself to explore it without getting up in your head about it.
Els Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 You are being an idiot. Seconded. Although I would be very wary of a girl who repeatedly brings up marriage and kids when the R isn't even 6 months old yet.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I think talking about marriage 3 months in is naive. I think you are being an idiot for judging her for behavior that you share. However, since it makes you so uncomfortable, I would ask her to stop sharing the details of her sexual past with you. She's been an idiot for expelling all that verbal diarrhea. Also, the sex haze should last about a year, and then, like everyone else, you will both have to make the ongoing effort to keep it spicy. Do you love each other enough to make that commitment and do the work? You think you do now, but you won't really know till the raging infatuation begins to fade. And I love your username!
dreamingoftigers Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I know it may sound prudish, but you are hitting the sheets waaayyy to much to even make a rational decision on this. If you are getting it 4-5 times a day you brain is awash in all of those pleasure chemicals that aren't going to let you decide whether this is a smart thing to do or not. It seems like both of you are sexually impulsive (it also sounds like the early stages of my relationship with my husband). If you are not doing other things often enough to bond and test that bond, eventually the sex will not do for you what it used to and you will have no idea if either one of you have the potential skills to make a relationship work. Sex is great, sex is fun but it sure isn't everything.
Author DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 Thanks for the replies. Just a couple clarifying points. I know 3 months is way too early to consider marriage. I'm not going to propose any time soon. She does mention it a lot, along with the fact she wants to have children by 35. She wants to be married and settled down in the next couple of years. Obviously things have been pretty unbelievable in the last few months and things are moving quickly. I don't think it's necessarily unreasonable for her to consider marriage possibility when getting into any serious relationship at her age. That said, as you'd probably guess, I'm not one to jump into relationships. The last serious relationship I had was a year and a half ago (for 7 months) and before that in 2003 for a year. I don't blame her for mentioning marriage and wanting to settle down. Frankly, it's a common theme with single women around her age (in my experience). As for the couple people that questioned whether I've been promiscuous. I know I have. That's why I acknowledge I'm being a hypocrite. That said, I don't think 3-4 women a year during my single years puts me in a class with Ron Jeremy.
denise_xo Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I think you should slow down and give it at least a year before you discuss marriage. I see her issues about wanting children, but why don't you discuss some kind of timeline with her for progression and see if you can both agree on something. I got engaged after a few months of having met someone and while we're still married, it's not something I recommend - a lot of things would have been much easier on us if it wasn't so rushed. As for your problems with her sexual history, I think you either need to face up to your hypocrisy (which it sounds like you're partially doing), then decide if you trust her, and if neither of those work out, just move on because then you're incompatible. I have to say that I have no patience whatsoever with men who think it's fine that they've slept around and then have issues with women who've done the same.
dreamingoftigers Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I know it may sound prudish, but you are hitting the sheets waaayyy to much to even make a rational decision on this. If you are getting it 4-5 times a day you brain is awash in all of those pleasure chemicals that aren't going to let you decide whether this is a smart thing to do or not. It seems like both of you are sexually impulsive (it also sounds like the early stages of my relationship with my husband). If you are not doing other things often enough to bond and test that bond, eventually the sex will not do for you what it used to and you will have no idea if either one of you have the potential skills to make a relationship work. Sex is great, sex is fun but it sure isn't everything. OR you end up using sex to dull all of the real issues that just build-up and cause you guys to break over time.
that girl Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I might have read the marriage thing a bit differently than other people. I assumed you meant she was upfront about wanting to be married in the next few years- that isn't unreasonable and will save you both drama if you figure out now that you're not on the same page. In that case, telling her that you wouldn't even consider the idea of marriage for a few years would make her bail and if it is how you really feel, it would be for the best. If she is hardcore talking about the two of you getting married soon, talking about dates and rings that is a whole different story. She doesn't know you, she can't know if you're the guy yet. That kind of behavior suggests instability. And back to her promiscuity, you still sound more promiscuous than her.
MorningCoffee Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Again look at what I've bolded and look up "BPD"/borderline personality disorder. See if anything strikes you as familiar. If you are seriously interested in this woman as potential wifey material then you need to get all the details of why her engagements and four year relationship ended. And not just from her, either. Talk to her family members--sisters, parents, close friends. Actually if you can, try to talk to her exes and get their points of view as to why those relationships ended. I have a sneaking suspicion you're going to find out that this woman isn't very close to/doesn't get along with her family, or at least has considerable conflict in her close interpersonal relationships. It sounds like she is using the one part of "relationships" she is really really good at--that is, the awesome sex--to make up for rather severe deficiencies in other important aspects of relationships. People afflicted with bipolar tendencies also exhibit oversharing and hypersexuality. Many behavioral characteristics similar to borderline disorder. Be wary.
skydiveaddict Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I would be carful. Women like this have a very hard time making the transition to a commited relationship and a few years down the road you might end up like so many men on here. agreed.................
Jannah Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 If she were 35 and slept with less than 10 people, would that be better? Three months into a new relationship, maybe hold off on the marriage discussion until you sort things out.
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