Is something wrong?

[atypicalG]

Hey everyone:

 

I'm new here, so I'll summarize my story and then get to my worries.

 

I am a 1st year PhD student. I met my GF at the end of senior year, in March. We were in the same area over the summer, and had a terrific spring/summer - everything was perfect, and we spent most of our time together daily/nightly. Alas, I then moved away (about 800 miles) for grad school, so we've evolved into an LDR. I've seen her twice since the semester started, and won't see her again until Thanksgiving. Every time I've visited, I'm always reassured of her feelings, and everything is great.

 

However, as soon as I leave and get back to school, she becomes rather aloof and detached. When the semester first started, we talked fairly often, and emailed/texted/Skyped/all that good stuff. But, as time goes on, we don't communicate nearly as often. Now, I tend to be more 'needy' than others, but we'd reached a good point where we'd Skype every night, and then text/email a few times during the day. Now, she seems somewhat detached and unresponsive, not returning little emails I send and only occasionally replying to my texts. We talk at night, but nothing beyond that. I get the sense it's not necessarily because she's busy, but because she's ignoring me to try and limit our communication. We've talked once before about how to best do the whole staying in touch thing while in the LDR, but I'm just worried as it seems to be getting worse. It seems odd that she'd be so objective about how our communication should be handled, quantifying exactly when we talk and such. It's fine if she's busy and can't talk, but I feel like it's more her ignoring me and not really caring if we talk that much.

 

I don't know what to do - if I try to bring it up, I'm afraid I'll just seem paranoid or too clingy, but long-distance has been really hard for me. She's the most amazing person in the world, and having her support and reassurance is really important to me (I've had some bad experiences in the past). But, how do I get that message across without seeming ridiculous?

 

For what it's worth, she's been in an LDR before, so I'm the newbie to the situation.

 

Greatly appreciating any advice,

atypicalG

[Merida]

Listen mate im new at this as well, and i never saw myself posting something on one of these forums, bt reading ur thing Ill say im in the same situation, and Im really struggling with it. I live in the UK and she lives in Illinois so there is quite a bit of a distance for us. I havent seen her since July, and id only met her in June. Next time ill see her will be xmas time so still a long time to go. Before i startd uni i was like u we were talkin on skype almost evryday and it was great, shed also send me long txts a few times a day as well. then since ive been at uni the last 3 weeks i have barely spoken to her. she doesnt respond to my txts or takes a really long time and when she does theyre just short messages. it might sound weird bt she just doesnt sound like the same person. so i feel like u do thinkin shes detached and unresponsive, bt i know she works full time bt i just would have thought shed still be able to talk. Im also tryin to figure out how to deal with this without seeming paranoid and clingy, bt havent really had any great ideas. The most i can think of is goin to see her on a surprise visit bt moneys the issue for that one. Im just tryin to get things like they were, my mates advise has been just to wait (which i know is hard) and things shud sort themselves out. Im not convinced by it bt cant really think of anything else.

just thought it would be helpful to know theres someone in the same situation as u mate.

[Merida]

Listen mate im new at this as well, and i never saw myself posting something on one of these forums, bt reading ur thing Ill say im in the same situation, and Im really struggling with it. I live in the UK and she lives in Illinois so there is quite a bit of a distance for us. I havent seen her since July, and id only met her in June. Next time ill see her will be xmas time so still a long time to go. Before i startd uni i was like u we were talkin on skype almost evryday and it was great, shed also send me long txts a few times a day as well. then since ive been at uni the last 3 weeks i have barely spoken to her. she doesnt respond to my txts or takes a really long time and when she does theyre just short messages. it might sound weird bt she just doesnt sound like the same person. so i feel like u do thinkin shes detached and unresponsive, bt i know she works full time bt i just would have thought shed still be able to talk. Im also tryin to figure out how to deal with this without seeming paranoid and clingy, bt havent really had any great ideas. The most i can think of is goin to see her on a surprise visit bt moneys the issue for that one. Im just tryin to get things like they were, my mates advise has been just to wait (which i know is hard) and things shud sort themselves out. Im not convinced by it bt cant really think of anything else.

just thought it would be helpful to know theres someone in the same situation as u mate.

[Els]

OP - I get the impression that you Skype for several hours each night (correct me if I'm wrong)? If so, you are already having more communication than the average LDR couple. I don't think it's so much your gf isn't interested, as the fact that she may need some time to herself to focus on RL. It might get exhausting to Skype all night, and then still text and email throughout the day. More isn't always better.

[atypicalG]

OP - I get the impression that you Skype for several hours each night (correct me if I'm wrong)? If so, you are already having more communication than the average LDR couple. I don't think it's so much your gf isn't interested, as the fact that she may need some time to herself to focus on RL. It might get exhausting to Skype all night, and then still text and email throughout the day. More isn't always better.

 

Thanks both of you for the replies. I'll start with Elswyth - No, we don't talk for nearly that long, maybe 30 minutes a night, right before bed. She's hesitant to talk more frequently because she just feels she has nothing new and exciting to say (living @ home with her parents right now until she finds work), and she doesn't want me to expect her to just 'wait around' all the time for me to call or text. Fair enough.

 

I brought things up to some extent last night, and she seemed willing to work with me. I asked her how she's able to deal with it so well, and she said she's been through it before and she's figured out how to make it work for her. I pointed out that I'm new to it, and that she's gonna have to work with me until I can adapt. Her rationale is that she's able to go about life and do her own thing without worrying or missing me too much because she knows that I'm still there. I said that was a good technique, but that I needed more from her for me to get the same reassuring 'feeling'.

 

So, we'll see what happens. She's fine with less contact because she's been through it before. This is new and rough for me, and I think I just need time to adjust - I can't just go from one extreme to the other.

 

Merida: that's rough, and I hope you guys can work things out. It definitely helps to know other people are in my situation.

[atypicalG]

@Beverleywatts:

 

Fair enough, but she thinks that texting more than like twice a day is also excessive, so that gets thrown in with the 'hmm' part of my worrying. She has a very limited texting plan but says she's going to get a bigger one. She doesn't have an interest in 'small-talk' about what we're both up to too frequently, and doesn't really want to have an extended conversation unless one of us actually has something to talk about.

 

-Me

[Omei]

@Beverleywatts:

 

Fair enough, but she thinks that texting more than like twice a day is also excessive, so that gets thrown in with the 'hmm' part of my worrying. She has a very limited texting plan but says she's going to get a bigger one. She doesn't have an interest in 'small-talk' about what we're both up to too frequently, and doesn't really want to have an extended conversation unless one of us actually has something to talk about.

 

-Me

 

To me, that's weird. Why wouldn't you wanna have "small-talk" with your partner? I think "small-talk" is important because while you and your partner may have talked about many things a good long conversation can spawn from "small-talk" You know?

 

there must be a lot of non-talking going on if you guys have to wait for something to "happen" to be worth talking about.

[atypicalG]

Okay everyone, I need advice again.

 

My girlfriend was out last night with friends, and was at the bar with them until like 1am (note: this is not a case of my being suspicious of her actions; read on). It was so late by the time she got home, I was already asleep. This is the first time in the almost 8 months we've been dating that we haven't talked before going to sleep, and I found myself feeling rather troubled by it. Yes, I am envious of her getting to go out and have fun (I'm a grad student, and don't ever get to go out anymore), and I am honestly really surprised she was out that late because a) She never stays up past like 1130 and b) She doesn't like going to bars, etc. I also wish she would have made time to actually talk to me yesterday if she had known she was going to be out late. We haven't talked much the last few days for various reasons, but last night really hit me, and I think I've made a list of why:

 

1. We have no set future 'plans' - She's looking for work, but hasn't found anything yet, so we don't know when she'll be earning money or when she'll move out of her parents' place. I have a really hard time doing this whole LDR thing when I have no idea if there will be a point when it stops being long-distance. She is wary of future commitment, and lives on a day-to-day basis. So, that's hard, because I'd like something to look forward to. The rest of my reasons here make it more difficult for me to accept an indefinite LDR.

 

2. She can't afford to come visit me, so I come to visit her, but I can only afford that maybe once a month. And then when I do visit, I'm staying at her family's house. I love her family, but it's not the same as just being with her. What really pains me is that I can't sleep with her at night - I got so used to that over the summer, and now that she's back home indefinitely, there's know way to know if/when I can sleep next to her again. That's hard.

 

3. When I do visit her, because it's her family and she doesn't have a lot of spending money of her own, we don't really 'go out' - sure we go out for meals or movies, but we can't really go out for the night and 'hit the town'. Maybe that's part of the reason why I'm jealous that she went out last night, idk. But, that makes it hard.

 

4. So essentially, I can't sleep with her, we can't go on more than simple dates, I can't see her often, and there's no telling when the situation will change.

 

I love her, but this is immensely difficult. How do I convey this to her, and how do I deal with it?

 

Advice, please.

[cobyb44]

Okay everyone, I need advice again.

 

My girlfriend was out last night with friends, and was at the bar with them until like 1am (note: this is not a case of my being suspicious of her actions; read on). It was so late by the time she got home, I was already asleep. This is the first time in the almost 8 months we've been dating that we haven't talked before going to sleep, and I found myself feeling rather troubled by it. Yes, I am envious of her getting to go out and have fun (I'm a grad student, and don't ever get to go out anymore), and I am honestly really surprised she was out that late because a) She never stays up past like 1130 and b) She doesn't like going to bars, etc. I also wish she would have made time to actually talk to me yesterday if she had known she was going to be out late. We haven't talked much the last few days for various reasons, but last night really hit me, and I think I've made a list of why:

 

1. We have no set future 'plans' - She's looking for work, but hasn't found anything yet, so we don't know when she'll be earning money or when she'll move out of her parents' place. I have a really hard time doing this whole LDR thing when I have no idea if there will be a point when it stops being long-distance. She is wary of future commitment, and lives on a day-to-day basis. So, that's hard, because I'd like something to look forward to. The rest of my reasons here make it more difficult for me to accept an indefinite LDR.

 

2. She can't afford to come visit me, so I come to visit her, but I can only afford that maybe once a month. And then when I do visit, I'm staying at her family's house. I love her family, but it's not the same as just being with her. What really pains me is that I can't sleep with her at night - I got so used to that over the summer, and now that she's back home indefinitely, there's know way to know if/when I can sleep next to her again. That's hard.

 

3. When I do visit her, because it's her family and she doesn't have a lot of spending money of her own, we don't really 'go out' - sure we go out for meals or movies, but we can't really go out for the night and 'hit the town'. Maybe that's part of the reason why I'm jealous that she went out last night, idk. But, that makes it hard.

 

4. So essentially, I can't sleep with her, we can't go on more than simple dates, I can't see her often, and there's no telling when the situation will change.

 

I love her, but this is immensely difficult. How do I convey this to her, and how do I deal with it?

 

Advice, please.

 

I am not good at giving advice or expressing my oppinion, but as a girl I can tell something about my behavior as a part of LDR.

I am with my boyfriend in a LDR for 5 years - I (22 years) am in Romania (Europe) and he studies in Germany- ever since we met we speak EVERY DAY on Skype at least 2 hours (depends on how much we have to study). I love him very very much and I am sure that he will be the only one for me. I do not go in clubs without him, but when we are together we dance so much so we don't feel the need to do it without each other ). I go out with my friends but me and my bf have our speaking schedule and I try to respect that, and he does that to.

Because he is everything that I dreamed for, I couldn't let a single day to pass without talking, without knowing how he feels and talking about our dreams and plans.

A LDR is not simple and strong feelings are needed to keep it going.

PS sorry my english

[atypicalG]

Hey everyone:

 

Sigh. Roughly 10 days left before I see my GF, and I realize that a lot of you have to wait a lot longer, so I'm sorry if my worries seam meager. I'm excited to see her again, it will have been 5 weeks, which is the longest amount of time we've gone without seeing each other so far.

 

Anyway, I'm opening up discussion again - lately I've had some more thoughts on my mind. At the beginning of the semester, she came out and lived with me for 2 weeks, and we had a great time. Near the end though, she said that she wasn't comfortable with the situation: she had no job and was totally dependent on me financially and for companionship since she didn't know anyone around. I was really busy with school work, and did my best to give her lots of time, but it wasn't enough. So, she was a little flustered because she said she felt 'domesticated', which I understand. She basically hung around here at the house all day while I went to school, and she did a lot of house tasks, etc.

 

We're still doing okay, but the LDR pains me - there is no foreseeable end in sight, which really makes it hard - I don't have any happy ending of the LD part to look forward to. She doesn't want to move out here with me because as she says:

 

• She doesn't want to depend on me, she wants to be independent (which is fine, I can respect that.)
  
• She wants to have a job and make money and have her own place (also makes sense; I can understand that.)
  
• She's not comfortable moving in and the committment implied by it (though I'm not trying to imply anything, but she's apparently always been wary of commitment with anyone. This concerns me a little because I want to have a serious relationship and while I'm not trying to push any commitment on her at the moment, I feel like things would naturally progress towards that end, but I don't want to scare her away. )
  
• She doesn't want to feel domesticated or left around the house with nothing to do.
  

 

I have a bit to say about that last part. Currently, she lives with her family and has no work. She's looking for part-time work so she can save up some money to support herself if she can find a volunteer position with a place that might then hire her down the road. But for the most part, she spends most of her days around the house, doing some chores, and cooking dinner almost every night. She does go out and see friends at night pretty often, which is nice - wish I was able to do that here!

 

But what I don't get is: how can she be content with that situation if she said she felt domesticated in the same situation with me? She doesn't seem to have any big moral dilemmas with her current situation, though I feel bad because she's had a hard time on the job-hunt-front.

 

Now, I've explained that I don't expect her to marry me, move in, and have kids right now, and that I fully support her desire to be independent and do her own thing. But, we both miss each other! She was happy when she visited me, and it's definitely preferred over being so far apart. She knows I could easily fly her out here and support her on my income (though it wouldn't be a luxurious lifestyle) and that she could very likely get a part-time job here (I see help-wanted signs all the time), allowing her to then 'free' herself from being financially dependent on me. I wouldn't expect her to stay here forever, but its hard for me to express in words how much I miss her and love her and care for her, and I just wish so bad that she could come out for a while. There'd be no difference in her situation, except she'd be living with someone her age, and not her family (who she doesn't always seem thrilled to be living with). It's hard when I visit her because of her family; I can't sleep with her, can't sleep in the same room with her, we can't really go out on the town for a night, and we have to be discrete about other activities.

 

I just wish I could convince her to come back here. She has a place to stay, a good chance of finding work, a great town to explore, and a decent guy to be with (IMHO). It would solve the problem of the LDR, and I just think we'd both be happy. We've lived together before for several weeks at a time, so we've got that part of it somewhat down. I'd give her the space she needs; she would do her own thing, she her own friends, etc. I just love her so much, and would give anything to have her next to me again when I fall asleep at night and when I wake up in the morning...

 

Anyway, sorry for the rant, but does anyone have advice/perspective on this? Anyway I could convince her to change her mind?

[Posshgal]

Hey everyone:

 

Sigh. Roughly 10 days left before I see my GF, and I realize that a lot of you have to wait a lot longer, so I'm sorry if my worries seam meager. I'm excited to see her again, it will have been 5 weeks, which is the longest amount of time we've gone without seeing each other so far.

 

Anyway, I'm opening up discussion again - lately I've had some more thoughts on my mind. At the beginning of the semester, she came out and lived with me for 2 weeks, and we had a great time. Near the end though, she said that she wasn't comfortable with the situation: she had no job and was totally dependent on me financially and for companionship since she didn't know anyone around. I was really busy with school work, and did my best to give her lots of time, but it wasn't enough. So, she was a little flustered because she said she felt 'domesticated', which I understand. She basically hung around here at the house all day while I went to school, and she did a lot of house tasks, etc.

 

We're still doing okay, but the LDR pains me - there is no foreseeable end in sight, which really makes it hard - I don't have any happy ending of the LD part to look forward to. She doesn't want to move out here with me because as she says:

 

• She doesn't want to depend on me, she wants to be independent (which is fine, I can respect that.)
  
• She wants to have a job and make money and have her own place (also makes sense; I can understand that.)
  
• She's not comfortable moving in and the committment implied by it (though I'm not trying to imply anything, but she's apparently always been wary of commitment with anyone. This concerns me a little because I want to have a serious relationship and while I'm not trying to push any commitment on her at the moment, I feel like things would naturally progress towards that end, but I don't want to scare her away. )
  
• She doesn't want to feel domesticated or left around the house with nothing to do.
  

I have a bit to say about that last part. Currently, she lives with her family and has no work. She's looking for part-time work so she can save up some money to support herself if she can find a volunteer position with a place that might then hire her down the road. But for the most part, she spends most of her days around the house, doing some chores, and cooking dinner almost every night. She does go out and see friends at night pretty often, which is nice - wish I was able to do that here!

 

But what I don't get is: how can she be content with that situation if she said she felt domesticated in the same situation with me? She doesn't seem to have any big moral dilemmas with her current situation, though I feel bad because she's had a hard time on the job-hunt-front.

 

Now, I've explained that I don't expect her to marry me, move in, and have kids right now, and that I fully support her desire to be independent and do her own thing. But, we both miss each other! She was happy when she visited me, and it's definitely preferred over being so far apart. She knows I could easily fly her out here and support her on my income (though it wouldn't be a luxurious lifestyle) and that she could very likely get a part-time job here (I see help-wanted signs all the time), allowing her to then 'free' herself from being financially dependent on me. I wouldn't expect her to stay here forever, but its hard for me to express in words how much I miss her and love her and care for her, and I just wish so bad that she could come out for a while. There'd be no difference in her situation, except she'd be living with someone her age, and not her family (who she doesn't always seem thrilled to be living with). It's hard when I visit her because of her family; I can't sleep with her, can't sleep in the same room with her, we can't really go out on the town for a night, and we have to be discrete about other activities.

 

I just wish I could convince her to come back here. She has a place to stay, a good chance of finding work, a great town to explore, and a decent guy to be with (IMHO). It would solve the problem of the LDR, and I just think we'd both be happy. We've lived together before for several weeks at a time, so we've got that part of it somewhat down. I'd give her the space she needs; she would do her own thing, she her own friends, etc. I just love her so much, and would give anything to have her next to me again when I fall asleep at night and when I wake up in the morning...

 

Anyway, sorry for the rant, but does anyone have advice/perspective on this? Anyway I could convince her to change her mind?

 

Hi I kinda in the oppiste sition from you. My boyfriend has just started uni and we are in a LDR I live with me parents and he lives in a flat with his flat mate. I worry about him finding someone new and he doesnt like to talk as much as i do I try to text him but dont normally get a reply. The other week we had a falling out and he wouldnt talk to me normally it was just one word answers or nothing at all. I needed to know what we going on so I text him just saying " you know Im sorry about what i have done and you know i love you but do you still want to be with me" after this he seemed fine and even asked me to come and stay with him for a couple of days. Im at his place at the moment and he is at uni i dont mind staying here on my own, I normally just sit on computer or he leaves me with keys and i wonder down shops and then go and meet him from uni. When he comes down to vist we are in the same sitition I dont have much money and dont really go out so we sit at his parents watching tv with his parent (dont get me wrong i love his family i just would like some time alone) they dont mind us sleeping in the same bed but he only has a single bed and it is a bit hard sometimes. I love waking up next to him and cuddling up to him.

 

 

what im trying to say is if you have worrys just tell her otherwise it will just make you feel worse. dont try to change her mind just tell her there is always a place for her at yours and plenty of jobs. and you will be there to support her in what ever is right for her (thats the most important thing that she knows you will be there for her)

 

 

 

hope that helps