sandcast123 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I am uncertain about a relationship and need some objective advice. I have a friend who will be divorced Dec 1st. We have been friends for a number of years. I have been divorced for a long time and have had a few relationships, all unsuccessful. My friend and I started seeing each other as friends once he moved out in September but I felt we were getting too close, too fast so I have backed off. He is still married for one thing. He seems very dependent and does whatever his exwife to be tells him to do. It bothers me. Their divorce was a mutual thing but she ended up with the house, most all the furniture and everything because he won't ask for anything he wants. He insists it will not be a pattern he will carry over into future relationships but I have a sinking feeling that it will. I think he is codependent with her and it will transfer to me. I have more education and make more money than he does and I fear he is intimidated by that as well. He is dyslexic and has had trouble in school and I think it has affected his self esteem. Where we are at now is that he thinks my backing off is just temporary until December when he is free. I feel like maybe I want to be done permanently because of his past. But I am not sure. He is kind, fun to be with, caring for my grown children, responsible and works hard. He does have a past issue with drinking so I am a little afraid of that too. He said he is going to counseling to get help so he sees why he ended up divorced. I am in my 50's and don't want to make a mistake. I am not thinking too clearly. What would you advise? I was thinking that he needs to be alone after his divorce for at least 6 months or a year before dating again...ideas?
9Lives Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 He seems like damaged goods and the ex having all that control is ugly too. I wouldn't put all my eggs in hi basket. It seems. Like u can do better
FL Lady Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Sounds like he has more negatives than positives. Geez - and he would be coming I to the relationship with with virtually no belongings (house, etc.). Yikes! At your age, don't you want someone who is a little more stable (e.g., retirement plan, 401k, house paid off, etc). I absolutely would.
Author sandcast123 Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 I feel like it is pretty risky too. He has a retirement account and a steady lower paying job. He is buying a new house and will close on it in about a month. But, I just feel like he might be needy and want too much from me - get too dependent. I am fiercely independent and have had to make my own way with practially no child support and now the kids are grown, one has a job and one is trying to get into grad school. I can finally turn attention to paying off college loans and credit cards. I am not sure I want to get into a relationship where my income is needed for the very basics of life. And I fear they will be needed. He is very patient and easy going but his exwife has complained that he is moody and uses sex as an outlet when he is upset. I don't know too much about that but it is what he has told me. He said he had a past habit of drinking to manage his unhappiness at being married to her and he also had an online relationship with a friend in N. Mexico where they complained about their spouses - didn't get together but did talk about sexual things. Too many red flags?
walktheline Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Well whatever you do, don't lead him on if he thinks you're backing off till he's "free." I was in a similar situation with a friend when we became close prior to my separation. We backed off because she felt uncomfortable with my situation which I completely understood and respected her feelings. I had agreed that we could start over with the friendship with a clean slate and see where things went. Wrong. I got blown off with never an explanation or reason. Sure, that was her choice, just really is hard going from what we had to nothing. This guy sounds like he is trying, but who knows. You'll never know unless you take that chance, just have to figure out whether it's worth your time and effort I guess. Good luck, you sound like you have a really good grasp of the situation.
Author sandcast123 Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 I really don't want to lead him on. I am worried I will and that's why I am trying to decide what to do. I feel like just saying we have to completely cut off anything other than just being friends and see where things go. I don't know how to say that I would not be waiting around for a year for him to "get better" before I would date him because I am afraid he would wait for me. I think I should just be direct and tell him to date others because I would be open to that as well. Just not sure what to do because I think he will be hurt and I don't want to hurt him since he is in the middle of his divorce.
walktheline Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I really don't want to lead him on. I am worried I will and that's why I am trying to decide what to do. I feel like just saying we have to completely cut off anything other than just being friends and see where things go. I don't know how to say that I would not be waiting around for a year for him to "get better" before I would date him because I am afraid he would wait for me. I think I should just be direct and tell him to date others because I would be open to that as well. Just not sure what to do because I think he will be hurt and I don't want to hurt him since he is in the middle of his divorce. Well good luck with that one. It really depends on how close you have become. In my situation we talked a lot and I saw her at work regularly, nothing more because I didn't want that prior to my divorce and neither did she. When we did decide to go to "just friends" until my situation changed, it was too hard. We texted each other occasionally before she became too uncomfortable and asked to go no contact at all. It was really hard to be "just friends" again and awkward. Of course I didn't make it the easiest, I missed the talks and emailed her my feelings a couple months later. Big mistake I think. Anyways, he is going to be hurt irregardless and the longer you wait the worse it'll be for him. I like the idea of telling him to date others, just be sure he understands. And if there's no future chance for the two of you as much as it may hurt him, tell him up front. I would have much rather known in my situation and though it would've hurt I'd be a hell of a lot less confused about what happened.
Author sandcast123 Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 That's the problem. I don't know if there is a chance for us. It is too early to tell. But I do know I want him to have a break between his marriage and dating - because I think he has issues to work on. I know, that's MY idea. I think he would be willing to wait but I am not sure if I will be there in a year or not. I've been alone a long time so probably I will be but that is no reason to say I'll be here. I hate this kind of thing. He is very nice and doesn't deserve to get hurt.
walktheline Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 That's the problem. I don't know if there is a chance for us. It is too early to tell. But I do know I want him to have a break between his marriage and dating - because I think he has issues to work on. I know, that's MY idea. I think he would be willing to wait but I am not sure if I will be there in a year or not. I've been alone a long time so probably I will be but that is no reason to say I'll be here. I hate this kind of thing. He is very nice and doesn't deserve to get hurt. That is tough. You sound like you really care about him and see some good in him, but maybe he needs some time to find himself and/or work on his issues. It's a thin line and you have to be careful because you don't want to give him that sense of false hope that you could be there some day. Well, maybe your idea of taking a break would be best. It's just going to be hard to figure out how much contact you want with him during this "break." And you both have to think about the possibility that the other may find someone that they like even more if you both date and that the other person may not want to further your relationship. I do understand how you hate this, it's a really tough situation to be in and I'm still hurting a little from mine.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 That's the problem. I don't know if there is a chance for us. It is too early to tell. But I do know I want him to have a break between his marriage and dating - because I think he has issues to work on. I know, that's MY idea. I think he would be willing to wait but I am not sure if I will be there in a year or not. I've been alone a long time so probably I will be but that is no reason to say I'll be here. I hate this kind of thing. He is very nice and doesn't deserve to get hurt. People with problems ( and issues) should stay out of relationships until their life is organized. As it is, the problem doesn't fall on you, it's on him. If he has problems, and divorce proceedings, he should have had the decency to work on those issues first before he even decided to give dating another go. Not only is it risky, but if his problems spills over into your relationship, the only thing that will happen is him dragging you down with him.
Author sandcast123 Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 So, I have been taking a break from the man I spoke of and just talking on the phone about every other day for just a few minutes, no seeing him - keeping it light and about work, his moving, etc. No romantic talk. I think he is codependent and if I stop seeing him, he will pick up with someone else. So, tonight I think I am right. He is going to a sports event in town with another woman who he says is just a friend and has been for over 10 years. ( He previously had said he fantasized about me and this other friend - her - from time to time.) So, I guess he is moving on. I should be glad but instead am confused. I was waiting for him to get divorced and them we could start seeing each other once a few months went by. I suspect his friend is more than a friend and I will soon be out of the picture. Not sure what to do. Talk to him about it or ignore the topic..Help?
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