Not sure what to make of this mess

[SAM0920]

When I stop and look around and look at the mess i've created(or not) I can't help wonder what's wrong with my head.

 

I'm a married man of 5 years. Have been with my wife for 15 years. Four years ago I cheated on my wife with a younger woman(20). The relationship last about 1 year and my wife knew about the OW. I ended the relationship with the OW as I was asked to choose between the two and my wife and I have a four year old son together. Needless to say I wanted what I thought was best for our son and that's a family.

 

During the last four years my wife and I have attempted working on our issues on our own, not seeking pro help or counseling ect...For the most part our relationship was fine but she was never completely healed from being cheated on.

 

Back in April of this year I met a woman(Maggie) who is 14 years older than me and we began talking. Maggie admitted to being married from the start and I didn't care as I was so attracted to her. As we talked and a few weeks pass she began opening up to me about her life and past. She was originally married to an abusive man who was on drugs and booze and he would beat her. She eventually left this man and a few years later she found out her 1st husband had died from an OD. She dated a few guys and remarried a few years later to whom she is still married to after 20 years.

 

Maggie addmitted to cheating on her 2nd husband about 12 years ago with a man she had worked with. During her affair she became preg and not sure who the father was she had an abortion and seperated from her husband. The other man ended the relationship shortly after finding out about the abortion. Maggie and her husband were seperated for a few months and decided to divorce, but decided not to because they had a 4 year old daughter together. During the last 12 years they worked on the relationship, but Maggie never loved him and was content becasue he took care of her.

 

Maggie and I have been in a long distance relationship since April. We live roughly 70 miles one way and see eachother 2 times per week. Right off the bat, she admitted having trust issues and in the first few months I saw red flags as she became very attached and admitted to falling in love with me two months in the relatioship. Even though i saw these red flags I continued the relationship with her.

 

In May she forced her husband to start sleeping on the couch as she became guilty. She admitted her and her husband had not been sexually active since Dec of 2009. To this day he sleeps on the couch and they barely speak to one another.

 

In Aug Maggie rented a shore house for the 1st week of aug. Something they do every year. Her husband stayed at home while her 16 year old daughter, her boyfriend and a 27 year old daughter from the first marriage came to the shore leaving the husband behind. The 27 Y/O knew about me from the very beginning, but the 16 y/o did not. Prior to coming to the shore Maggie told the 16 y/o about me and said you would meet him while on vac.

 

Maggies sibblings also rented shore homes that same week and I was introduced to the intire family, including the 16 y/o daughter. I saw Maggie every day during that week even hanging out with the fam on the beach and going out to dinner. It was a very awkard situation meeting them all, especially the daughter.

 

We are currently still seeing eachother. Maggies husband is the only person in their fam that doesn't know about her and I. Both my wife and fam know about Maggie.

 

We both love eachother and plan to be together, but realize it will be very difficult due to the circumstances. As of last week Maggies husband plans to file for divorce on terms of sexual desertion I suppose. She has no intentions of staying with him and will remain in the house untill it's sold.

 

When I step back and analyze the situation all i see is a mess and know what I've done is wrong but cant walk away because of the love I feel for Maggie. I honestly feel like a POS for doing this to my wife and also what's it's done to Maggie's family.

 

I know what I want and need to do, but my fears are the red flags I saw in the beginning and IMO she has never healed from the damage her first husband caused and also the damage from her first affair. Do we really stand a chance???

[whichwayisup]

Guess your son and keeping your family together under one roof isn't as important anymore.

 

Why are you cheating on your wife? Again! Haven't you hurt her enough?

 

I hope you divorce her, set her free so she can find a man who truly loves her and won't betray her in the worst way possible.

 

As for your MOW, good luck there. Looks like you've found a match made in heaven.

[jj33]

I think I am missing something.

 

On the one hand you say your family including your W know about Maggie right?

 

So your marriage is effectively over right?

 

And knowing you had reservations about Maggie you nonehtless went on her family beach holiday with her and met the entire extended family?

 

Yes you screwed up because you dont know what you want and you have created a trail of damage.

 

 

I rarely say this but you did the right thing for the wrong reasons.

 

You need to get out of your marriage and figure out what you want to do, who you want to be and how you want to interact in a relationship that doesnt involve cheating (assuming that is what you want).

 

And Maggie has the choice to either go back to her H and make it work or not.

 

You are so quick to point the finger at Maggie but theres a reason you stayed in it, your issues mesh with hers.

 

Who knows if you will make it as a couple, noone knows that but neither of you will make it work with anyone until you work out your issues. Merely beiing married is not "making it work" as you have found out.

 

Good luck. I hope you find your way

[Hazyhead]

To be honest, I don't believe you'll stand a chance because, judging from your past behaviour, you're always going to seek out 'more'. You're an incredibly selfish man. Certainly, your wife deserves a life without you. As for Maggie, I think you'll both screw one another's lives up more and more as time goes on. Obsession does not a healthy relationship make.

[jthorne]

Man, I feel sorry for her husband! She's schtupping someone else, and makes HIM go sleep on the couch! That's stone cold!

 

See what you have to look forward to?

[2sunny]

During the last four years my wife and I have attempted working on our issues on our own, not seeking pro help or counseling ect...For the most part our relationship was fine but she was never completely healed from being cheated on.

 

you two, by the evidence you show - haven't WORKED through anything!

 

gee, i wonder why she hasn't healed from being cheated on? maybe it's because you are STILL showing selfish and self centered behavior.

 

divorce your wife and allow her some peace of mind instead of pretending to "work" on being faithful.

 

 

 

 

Maggie addmitted to cheating on her 2nd husband about 12 years ago with a man she had worked with. During her affair she became preg and not sure who the father was she had an abortion and seperated from her husband. The other man ended the relationship shortly after finding out about the abortion. Maggie and her husband were seperated for a few months and decided to divorce, but decided not to because they had a 4 year old daughter together. During the last 12 years they worked on the relationship, but Maggie never loved him and was content becasue he took care of her.

 

lovely gal there... that's as much as i'll say. except = you two deserve each other.

 

divorce your wife. she deserves to be free from the crap you keep bringing to her life.

[jennie-jennie]

The responses in this thread are a perfect example why so few MM post on LS. I bet SAM came here for support and help sorting his life out, not for bashing.

 

SAM, you need to get a divorce, and then you can figure out if your relationship with your MOW is where you want to be in the future.

 

I came from an abusive relationship. I can't see why your MOW wouldn't be worth it just because of her past. I have healed being with my MM who is very loving, caring and trustworthy. When we are around people worthy of trust, our old wounds heal and we learn how to trust once again.

 

When you are in a mess, the correct thing to do is to sort it out. I bet there is happiness for you and Maggie on the other side of all this!

[jennie-jennie]

Both of you stayed married for your children's sake. That is a brooding ground for affairs. You both made the same mistake once. I hope you will both have learnt this second time around and get a divorce.

 

I will never understand staying married for the children's sake. Adults deserve to be happy, and children will in turn be happy adults if they have learnt from their parents' example to care for their own happiness.

[bentnotbroken]

This "woman" introduced her 16 year old child to her sex partner:eek: and she knows about you and has to look at her father knowing what is going on. This person has introduced you to her entire family (some family) and you are okay with this set up not to mention your wife being dogged by you again. Man you are...something else. I cannot believe the two of you put a child in that position.

[fooled once]

Guess your son and keeping your family together under one roof isn't as important anymore.

 

Why are you cheating on your wife? Again! Haven't you hurt her enough?

 

I hope you divorce her, set her free so she can find a man who truly loves her and won't betray her in the worst way possible.

 

As for your MOW, good luck there. Looks like you've found a match made in heaven.

 

Ditto

 

To be honest, I don't believe you'll stand a chance because, judging from your past behaviour, you're always going to seek out 'more'. You're an incredibly selfish man. Certainly, your wife deserves a life without you. As for Maggie, I think you'll both screw one another's lives up more and more as time goes on. Obsession does not a healthy relationship make.

 

Ditto

 

I am confused on the who has EVER posted saying that people SHOULD stay together for the kids? I can't believe ANYONE would believe that a betrayed spouse SHOULD stay with the cheater 'because of the kids'.

 

I do NOT believe parents should be selfish and put THEIR needs ahead of their kids; but that doesn't MEAN parents who do not love each other or who don't want to be together should stay married. I think the issue people have is cheating, not divorcing.

 

Children will be happy and adjust --- as long as their parents have their best interest at heart.

 

What I find very hypocritical about the OP's story is the baloney about staying for the child -- he had no intention of being a decent father or husband - I mean he went on VACATION with his mistress. How respectful is that to his 'family'?

 

OP, you say your wife knows of the affair? And she hasn't kicked you out? Does she know about you going on vacation with the mistress's family?

[pureinheart]

The responses in this thread are a perfect example why so few MM post on LS. I bet SAM came here for support and help sorting his life out, not for bashing.

 

SAM, you need to get a divorce, and then you can figure out if your relationship with your MOW is where you want to be in the future.

 

I came from an abusive relationship. I can't see why your MOW wouldn't be worth it just because of her past. I have healed being with my MM who is very loving, caring and trustworthy. When we are around people worthy of trust, our old wounds heal and we learn how to trust once again.

 

When you are in a mess, the correct thing to do is to sort it out. I bet there is happiness for you and Maggie on the other side of all this!

 

My thoughts exactly (bold)...very discouraging and disheartening to see so much hate lately.

 

When I first came to LS I was given a great deal of support, I wish it was still there in the same capacity for others...

 

Sam...wow, I don't know what to say except you have my thoughts and prayers...you know, I have hit those times where everything seems to be a mess, and I just have to throw my hands up and let it all go and let the chips fall where they may.

 

I guess it's a little late to tell you "welcome" to LS:rolleyes:

[bentnotbroken]

He got as much support as those MM who came here with not so glowing words for their former AP. A swift kick in the pants. It depends on what a MM has to say around here as to which one of his azz checks gets a bull's eye painted on it. If he comes here with his with his heart oozing over his AP he gets all kinds of support form other AP. If he comes her with his heart oozing for his BS, he gets support from the other BS. So guess it depends on which one of a MM's azz cheeks your are inclined to aim at.

[whichwayisup]

It wasn't too long ago a MM was posting here and many OW were jumping at him.

 

Harsh advice is what this guy needs, not hand holding.

 

Bottomline is, he's making mistakes again and being selfish, needs to divorce his wife, then he can do whatever he pleases.

[Carrot2000]

SAM. you're jumping the gun and looking at things out of order. Before you start weighing the possibility of a successful future relationship w/OW, you need to focus your energies on ending your own marriage. Your relationship w/Maggie will be whatever it will be;there's no way anyone can predict with certainty how things will turn out and you have no control over anything except your own actions. You have to start cleaning up the mess in your own life before you can start moving on with another woman, especially one who has her own fair share of shyte going on.

[SAM0920]

I think I am missing something.

 

On the one hand you say your family including your W know about Maggie right?

 

So your marriage is effectively over right?

 

And knowing you had reservations about Maggie you nonehtless went on her family beach holiday with her and met the entire extended family?

 

Yes you screwed up because you dont know what you want and you have created a trail of damage.

 

 

I rarely say this but you did the right thing for the wrong reasons.

 

You need to get out of your marriage and figure out what you want to do, who you want to be and how you want to interact in a relationship that doesnt involve cheating (assuming that is what you want).

 

And Maggie has the choice to either go back to her H and make it work or not.

 

You are so quick to point the finger at Maggie but theres a reason you stayed in it, your issues mesh with hers.

 

Who knows if you will make it as a couple, noone knows that but neither of you will make it work with anyone until you work out your issues. Merely beiing married is not "making it work" as you have found out.

 

Good luck. I hope you find your way

 

Correct, my father and sibblings know about the situation. My wife and I are no longer together. We still reside in the same home untill a perm situation can be reached. My wife still loves me regardless of the damage i've done. If it were up to her, we would seek counseling to work our issues out.

 

Thats my biggest problem, I dont know what I truely wan't.

 

No, I don't believe i've pointed any fingers at Maggie. I actually take full blame for what i've done.

 

 

The responses in this thread are a perfect example why so few MM post on LS. I bet SAM came here for support and help sorting his life out, not for bashing.

 

SAM, you need to get a divorce, and then you can figure out if your relationship with your MOW is where you want to be in the future.

 

I came from an abusive relationship. I can't see why your MOW wouldn't be worth it just because of her past. I have healed being with my MM who is very loving, caring and trustworthy. When we are around people worthy of trust, our old wounds heal and we learn how to trust once again.

 

When you are in a mess, the correct thing to do is to sort it out. I bet there is happiness for you and Maggie on the other side of all this!

 

I beat myself up enough on a daily basis, no one here can imagine the amount of stress I have caused my wife and I. So i did not come here to be bashed, but come here for advice.

 

 

 

Both of you stayed married for your children's sake. That is a brooding ground for affairs. You both made the same mistake once. I hope you will both have learnt this second time around and get a divorce.

 

I will never understand staying married for the children's sake. Adults deserve to be happy, and children will in turn be happy adults if they have learnt from their parents' example to care for their own happiness.

 

 

My wife and I decided to work things out because we felt we were worth it, not just for my son. Why should a child not have a family simply because one of his parents were selfish? When i made that choice I thought of my son, not just myself. My son was worth the effort we took to work on our marriage. Unfortunetly the damage I had taken during my marriage and the lost love for my wife was too much. I chose to go elsewhere instead of just divorcing her to begin with.

 

 

This "woman" introduced her 16 year old child to her sex partner:eek: and she knows about you and has to look at her father knowing what is going on. This person has introduced you to her entire family (some family) and you are okay with this set up not to mention your wife being dogged by you again. Man you are...something else. I cannot believe the two of you put a child in that position.

 

 

That's correct you read right, Maggie and her daughter live with a controlling drug user of a husband/father. Although im sure she's not 100% happy with it, i'm sure she's happy her mother is getting out of the relationship and is happy.

Ditto

 

 

 

Ditto

 

I am confused on the who has EVER posted saying that people SHOULD stay together for the kids? I can't believe ANYONE would believe that a betrayed spouse SHOULD stay with the cheater 'because of the kids'.

 

I do NOT believe parents should be selfish and put THEIR needs ahead of their kids; but that doesn't MEAN parents who do not love each other or who don't want to be together should stay married. I think the issue people have is cheating, not divorcing.

 

Children will be happy and adjust --- as long as their parents have their best interest at heart.

 

What I find very hypocritical about the OP's story is the baloney about staying for the child -- he had no intention of being a decent father or husband - I mean he went on VACATION with his mistress. How respectful is that to his 'family'?

 

OP, you say your wife knows of the affair? And she hasn't kicked you out? Does she know about you going on vacation with the mistress's family?

 

 

I'm a very good father just ask my wife or anyone else in the family. He's actually a daddys boy.

 

How does one get kicked out of his own home?

 

 

My thoughts exactly (bold)...very discouraging and disheartening to see so much hate lately.

 

When I first came to LS I was given a great deal of support, I wish it was still there in the same capacity for others...

 

Sam...wow, I don't know what to say except you have my thoughts and prayers...you know, I have hit those times where everything seems to be a mess, and I just have to throw my hands up and let it all go and let the chips fall where they may.

 

I guess it's a little late to tell you "welcome" to LS:rolleyes:

 

Thanks but I wasn't looking for a warm welcome and knew the kind of responses id receive.

[bentnotbroken]

Correct, my father and sibblings know about the situation. My wife and I are no longer together. We still reside in the same home untill a perm situation can be reached. My wife still loves me regardless of the damage i've done. If it were up to her, we would seek counseling to work our issues out.

 

Thats my biggest problem, I dont know what I truely wan't.

 

No, I don't believe i've pointed any fingers at Maggie. I actually take full blame for what i've done.

 

 

 

 

I beat myself up enough on a daily basis, no one here can imagine the amount of stress I have caused my wife and I. So i did not come here to be bashed, but come here for advice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My wife and I decided to work things out because we felt we were worth it, not just for my son. Why should a child not have a family simply because one of his parents were selfish? When i made that choice I thought of my son, not just myself. My son was worth the effort we took to work on our marriage. Unfortunetly the damage I had taken during my marriage and the lost love for my wife was too much. I chose to go elsewhere instead of just divorcing her to begin with.

 

 

 

 

 

That's correct you read right, Maggie and her daughter live with a controlling drug user of a husband/father. Although im sure she's not 100% happy with it, i'm sure she's happy her mother is getting out of the relationship and is happy.

 

 

 

I'm a very good father just ask my wife or anyone else in the family. He's actually a daddys boy.

 

How does one get kicked out of his own home?

 

 

 

 

Thanks but I wasn't looking for a warm welcome and knew the kind of responses id receive.

 

 

So one parent is an butt hole and it gives carte blanche to the other parent to behave in the same manner and teach her child even more inappropriate behavior, then send her out into the world to possibly add to the pain and misery of others who learned something different. Nice set of parents. What's that thing about needing a license to hunt and fish but not raise kids. Then leave instead of exposing your child to a druggie. Sounds like the same kind of crap posted by someone else on her recently.