dreamingoftigers Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I think you can get IT back, BUT if you have lost it, there is usually something MAJOR that caused the loss in the first place. (I.e. infidelity) In this case getting IT back requires a LOT of WORK and a lot of TIME. It also requires a lot of EMPATHY. Chances are, if you lost IT to begin with, the guy isn't going to have enough of the above qualities to make it worth your time.
Star Gazer Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Here's a scenario. You've been hanging out with a guy for a while and are attracted. So much that one day you make the move. The two of you date for a few months and for whatever reason at the time you lose it for the guy. You're still friends afterwords spending a lot of time together. Has that attraction ever come back or once it's gone or is that the end of the story? For me, it would depend entirely on what that "whatever reason" I lost "it" for him was.
alwaysoverthinking Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Chemistry and "it" are two different things, I think. "It" is, in my estimation, the woman's desire to be with the man. Whether or not she is drawn to him. I think often times, that initial attraction, allure, whatever you want to call it, flames out because the guy stops being the person he was to begin with. Personally, I can think of a couple of times in my life where I had amazing chemistry with a girl, and there was definitely an "it" factor as well. But neither of those situations turned into long term relationships. However, the longest relationship I have been in, the girl eventually dumped me because she finally got fed up with me not making enough of an effort. And in reality, that's because I had lost "it" for her. I loved her, but just started not being drawn to her. As for whether or not "it" can come back, I tend to agree that the answer is generally "no." However, I think in some cases, it can. Particularly in cases where the relationship never really got off the ground for one reason or another, having to do with circumstances or something, for example distance, or one party was in an existing relationship at the time, etc... In other words, if there is still a "what might have been" aspect to the situation, then there is still perhaps that little bit of mystery and possibility that might cause a woman to be drawn to the guy again. Then again, as most of my friends say, if you treat a chick like crap, they'll dig you even more. So maybe that's it too.
flying Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Then again, as most of my friends say, if you treat a chick like crap, they'll dig you even more. So maybe that's it too. But...didn't you say your ex-gf dumped you because you stopped making an effort?
alwaysoverthinking Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 But...didn't you say your ex-gf dumped you because you stopped making an effort? Well, true. But the relationship had become long distance, with no real immediate possibility of reuniting because of work. I just made the point to illustrate the contrast, that in the relationship I was in for the longest time, I probably put in the least amount of effort. Whereas in a couple of other cases, I was head over heels for the chicks, and was probably too accomodating, and treated them like princesses. In short, there was no balance, and therefore the girls were never required to work for it. I made it too easy for them, because I forgot myself, i.e., made them the center of my universe.
carhill Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Treating someone like crap takes effort. To *some* broken personalities, it means their partner 'cares'. Indifference, OTOH, is like the blackness of space. Empty. Nothing. Once I processed my exW's indifference, my love for her died. She is nothing beyond the most elemental of human flesh. During our divorce, she actually treated me far better than she ever did while married. Still, I felt *nothing*. So, my hypothesis is, when/where a man can connect his elemental emotional self to attraction/chemistry/'it', he can also process such dynamics in a fashion similar to what I'm reading here about women. Perhaps this is why I've always accepted how a woman feels and don't 'fight' for her. Why bother? Interesting stuff
Smoky Day Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 The thing is? Men and women probably define or experience chemistry differently. Which is why so many of us guys end up dumbfounded when she says "I love you but I'm not in love with you." You'll never hear a man say that. . Actually I have heard a man say that. So have some of my female friends and relatives. As far as basic attraction, if I was dating someone and I lost IT, IT never came back. The spark was gone, smothered completely, or morphed into...what? Sometimes scorn, sometimes simple friendship or just...nothing. Now if I was IN LOVE, and it was a long-term thing...sometimes IT submerges, or gets lost sight of, but can be brought back to the surface or shone a spotlight on. That's a different situation, though.
Author sumdude Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 (edited) OK, so 'it' is sexual chemistry. I know from a previous post that, for some reason, you don't believe this exsits because you don't understand it, but anyone who has experienced it knows that it exists. Don't think I ever said I didn't understand it. Only stated that it's a buzzword often used to describe that which can't really be described. It's either there or not. I've been in situations where I didn't have it with a woman yet she seemed to have it with me. Psychologists and sociologists have been studying sexual chemistry since before you were born (probably before anybody on LS was born) and still nobody has come up with a definitive answer. I found a great article about it which you might find interesting. Here's how it starts: I'm no wise old man but I'm not exactly a pimple faced teen either. Here's a link to the full article - scroll down the page to where is starts 'Magnetic Infatuation'. Quite fascinating actually and I think it may answer your question. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-in-limbo/200909/intense-sexual-chemistry-part-2 Good read, interesting that it was written by a woman.. which makes sense. I know my marriage had a lot of those aspects. I had it bad for my ex wife the whole time we were together yet at some point she lost it for me and the inevitable dying spiral of the relationship ensued complete with her going outside the marriage and all that unpleasant stuff. I believe that if a couple chooses to work past the moments when the chemistry seems to disappear they might actually succeed in rebuilding and having a great relationship. Too bad so many people choose to bail as soon the magic chemistry pill wears off and they go seeking the next rush instead of understanding that sexual chemistry in a LTR is like the tide. It rises, it falls, it ebbs and flows. Seems to me that a woman will never really tell a man the truth about why they lose it or get turned off sexually. Men aren't really different in that way I suppose. It's just nicer to say "I love you but not in love with you." Than "I just don't want to f*** you anymore, don't touch me, ick. Joe is sooo much sexier than you are to me now." Edited November 1, 2010 by sumdude
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