phineas Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 An enlightening thread. I've sort of knew this about women already, but this has confirmed my suspicions. I've had women eulogise and swoon over me like I was mana from heaven, then not so long after that they just go cold. Then they can't understand why you won't be "friends".
EricaH329 Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 (edited) Most women, on the other hand, walk in and out of love like it is a public restroom. Love for women is like that?? Really? That's news to me! In my experience, i've only ever truly been in love once. I still love him, that has not gone away nor do I believe it ever will. I have loved a couple of guys before, without being in love with them, and I still love them. Always will. I think the men who agree with that statement are having a difficult time differentiating between lust and love. Also, just because someone tells you they love you, doesn't mean it's true. Whether they may believe it to be true at the time, or they are out right lying. I don't believe it's right, but that's how it is. Just as men do that to women also. I was under the impression the 'it' being discussed was lust. After all, real love doesn't ever go away, right?! Edited October 31, 2010 by EricaH329
Woggle Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I hate to say it but for many women it is like that. How else do you explain how some women just go cold at the drop of a hat for no reason?
Surrealist Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I hate to say it but for many women it is like that. How else do you explain how some women just go cold at the drop of a hat for no reason? Because it wasn't love in the first place. Infatuation, attraction or lust but it wasn't love. I agree with Erica's post.
LittleTiger Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 If it ever goes, you never had it. This is what I was trying to say (but in about 300 more words ). Given the OPs history I suspect he's thinking about a particular girl or situation. Not a long term relationship that broke up and people pretending to be over it etc. (3 months is not a LTR in my book). Sumdude, if you'd care to clarify what you mean by 'it', you might get different answers. I also agree with Erica. If 'it' is the real thing (ie love) then it's there forever.
EricaH329 Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I hate to say it but for many women it is like that. How else do you explain how some women just go cold at the drop of a hat for no reason? Definitely not because they loved the man. In the rare case they actually do love the man that they've turned extremely cold to, perhaps it has more to do with their psychological well-being? I can really only think of one time i've ever been cold to a man before, after dating him for 9 months. In the beginning, I found all his little quirks to be endearing, and my lust for him continued to grow through the 'honeymoon phase'. Then, once reality started to set in and the infatuation wore off, I saw him for who he really was. And it wasn't someone I wanted to be around in the slightest. Needless to say, I didn't love him. Not anywhere close.
Anela Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 My parents remarried, after being apart and divorced for eleven years.
Anela Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Oh, and my mother took him back, because he wasn't nearly as much of a dick as he'd been when she left. He wasn't perfect, obviously, but he realized most of the mistakes he'd made, and changed for the better.
Titania22 Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I have found that absolutely anything is possible in this world, no matter how unlikely. There is always an exception to every rule.
Pfiend101 Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Put it this way. "It" will come back if she decides that you were actually the better choice then the guy she is leaving you for. If she likes the next guy better. "It" wont come back.
Tim The Enchanter Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I had one ex girlfriend dump me, then call me a few days later asking for a reconciliation because "she didn't realise I felt so strongly about her". Because I didn't take her back there and then, she went completely cold on me and after a while refused to even speak to me. I've regretted that to this day, but I can't help thinking that she was unreasonable. I would take her back tomorrow if she called.
callingyouuu Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 (edited) I don't think "it" as referred to by the OP is love or lust. It's more like a general feeling of attraction developed over a short period of time, which sort of combines elements of both. With that case, yes, women do walk in and out of it like a public restroom. If you're also interested, the thing to do is to react quickly and develop a foundation to build on before she doesn't see you as worth speaking to anymore. Gotta fan the flame before it goes out to have a shot, so to speak. Just hope she's not already out the door by the time you find out. Edited October 31, 2010 by callingyouuu
Woggle Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I don't think love is forever. I have only been in love twice in my life. The 2nd time I am still and the first one I certainly don't love anymore.
Author sumdude Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 (edited) This is what I was trying to say (but in about 300 more words ). Given the OPs history I suspect he's thinking about a particular girl or situation. Not a long term relationship that broke up and people pretending to be over it etc. (3 months is not a LTR in my book). Sumdude, if you'd care to clarify what you mean by 'it', you might get different answers. I also agree with Erica. If 'it' is the real thing (ie love) then it's there forever. Well there's one situation that may be more in my the front of my mind which is the scenario I put up. But this is in general too. I think it's one of the sticking points and differences between men and women when it comes to sex and attraction. So in this case "IT" is the difference maker between a friend and a lover or a lover and an ex. IT's the reason men will continue banging their heads and hearts against the wall continuing to be 'friends' with a woman hoping she'll change her mind someday (which almost never happens) while the woman will look at him and think "Yeah, he's totally a great guy...but" She may not understand herself why she doesn't have IT for him. He can be attractive "physically", financially sound, good provider, smart etc and not be a doormat or the negative "nice guy" type. For example, the situation where a woman keeps dating a guy who doesn't treat her well, doesn't have certain qualities she really wants, isn't even compatible yet she can't seem to get away from the relationship and gets drawn back into it over and over. In this case she still has IT for the guy. So IT's really about sex right? The first thing to go when a LTR is failing is sex... when the woman is unhappy in the relationship. Usually a man will continue to want it even though he's not happy in the relationship otherwise as long as physical attraction is still there. Edited October 31, 2010 by sumdude
flying Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 This is just my personal experience, but once I accept that a relationship is truly over, it's just over. It may take a while to get to that point - months, let's say. But once I do get there, it really is done. I've never had any interest in reconciling with exes. Again, just my personal experience, but most of the guys I've dated do keep the door open on some level. They like to stay "friends" with exes, they like to reminisce, and I think they like the ego boost. It's one of the reasons I've struggled when a man I'm dating is still friends with an ex...I don't trust it, because I don't think a lot of guys like to ever really close the door firmly. For those guys, there's always a "what if..." lurking, and it just creates strife.
EricaH329 Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 (edited) Well there's one situation that may be more in my the front of my mind which is the scenario I put up. But this is in general too. I think it's one of the sticking points and differences between men and women when it comes to sex and attraction. So in this case "IT" is the difference maker between a friend and a lover or a lover and an ex. IT's the reason men will continue banging their heads and hearts against the wall continuing to be 'friends' with a woman hoping she'll change her mind someday (which almost never happens) while the woman will look at him and think "Yeah, he's totally a great guy...but" She may not understand herself why she doesn't have IT for him. He can be attractive "physically", financially sound, good provider, smart etc and not be a doormat or the negative "nice guy" type. What you've listed are some great qualities, but if there isn't any chemistry, there really is no faking it. If 'it' is just not there, it's just not there. No matter how good looking you might be. Some people try to force 'it' to be there, get into a relationship with another person, and realize that 'it' just isn't ever going to show up, no matter how much they try to convince themselves otherwise. I've had that happen to me a couple of times. Because the guy was so great (extremely nice, caring, outgoing, fun, honest), I tried to make myself like him. I tried to force the 'it' factor. Never, ever, ever works. For example, the situation where a woman keeps dating a guy who doesn't treat her well, Ok this is a little bizarre. I've never fully understood this concept, but in my opinion, a woman who keeps a man around that doesn't treat her well is doing so for one of two reasons. 1- She expects him to change. OR 2- She has some major insecurities (i.e. not someone you'd want to get involved with). doesn't have certain qualities she really wants, If you had left it at 'doesn't have certain qualities she wants', I would have told you that not everyone has all the qualities another person is looking for. You gotta pick and choose which is best. But... you wrote 'doesn't have certain qualities she really wants', and i'd have to say that that would come down to basically the same thing as mentioned before, insecurities. isn't even compatible yet she can't seem to get away from the relationship and gets drawn back into it over and over. Hmm... read the above statement again. That sounds a little... strange?? To say the least. The type of girl you've basically just described, has many many insecurities. You can't expect an unstable girl to have stable emotions. In this case she still has IT for the guy. So IT's really about sex right? In this case, i'm not even sure IT is something that's sane The first thing to go when a LTR is failing is sex... when the woman is unhappy in the relationship. Usually a man will continue to want it even though he's not happy in the relationship otherwise as long as physical attraction is still there. I do very much agree with this statement. Sex is the first thing to go. And men do tend to hold onto it a bit longer. I believe there are specific reasons for that though. It's just the way we are wired, as males and females. Men enjoy sex, moreso with a person they care for. Women find sex to be an emotional bonding of sorts, and brings the couple closer together. The moment a woman realizes 'it' isn't there anymore, the desire for sex diminishes. Edited October 31, 2010 by EricaH329
Author sumdude Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 (edited) What you've listed are some great qualities, but if there isn't any chemistry, there really is no faking it. If 'it' is just not there, it's just not there. No matter how good looking you might be. Some people try to force 'it' to be there, get into a relationship with another person, and realize that 'it' just isn't ever going to show up, no matter how much they try to convince themselves otherwise. I've had that happen to me a couple of times. Because the guy was so great (extremely nice, caring, outgoing, fun, honest), I tried to make myself like him. I tried to force the 'it' factor. Never, ever, ever works. Right, so IT's not there. After reading thousands of threads here I've found that 'chemistry' is the stock answer. Which really isn't an answer but another word for something that women themselves don't really understand. Which is fine and also a great reason for us men to stop trying to analyze the unanalyzable (is that a word? lol). If women don't get why it's not there men sure as hell can't either. So I pose the question in regards to those times you tried to force it. What about those men in particular was missing for you? Challenge? Dominance? Respect? Compatibility? Good sex? Ok this is a little bizarre. I've never fully understood this concept, but in my opinion, a woman who keeps a man around that doesn't treat her well is doing so for one of two reasons. 1- She expects him to change. OR 2- She has some major insecurities (i.e. not someone you'd want to get involved with). Bizarre or not it happens all the time. Even to smart and strong women who rationally know it's not a good thing but keep going back for more. Sometimes called the bad boy attraction factor. In this case, i'm not even sure IT is something that's sane Of course it's not. It lives in the realms of instincts, emotions and sexuality which aren't exactly rational. Edited October 31, 2010 by sumdude
EricaH329 Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Right, so IT's not there. After reading thousands of threads here I've found that 'chemistry' is the stock answer. Which really isn't an answer but another word for something that women themselves don't really understand. Which is fine and also a great reason for us men to stop trying to analyze the unanalyzable (is that a word? lol). If women don't get why it's not there men sure as hell can't either. YES!!!! Best thing i've read on this forum in quite some time Chemistry isn't something that can be understood. Just like feelings aren't something that can be logically understood. It just happens. Unfortunately, we don't get to choose who it happens to, but what we do get to decide is who we pursue a relationship with. Bizarre or not it happens all the time. Even to smart and strong women who rationally know it's not a good thing but keep going back for more. Sometimes called the bad boy attraction factor. A person can't help who they are attracted to. But... they can understand why they are drawn to certain types of people. If a woman (or man) was attracted to someone who treats them poorly, it usually stems (IME) from childhood. Basically, issues they have. So no matter how smart or strong they may be, they too (just like the rest of us) have issues. If you want a girl that doesn't find that sort of trait to be attractive, go for those types of girls. They usually don't flip flop between nice guys and bad boys. They either like one or the other. So I pose the question in regards to those times you tried to force it. What about those men in particular was missing for you? Challenge? Dominance? Respect? Compatibility? Good sex? This is speaking in my experience and opinion. When that has happened to me, the chemistry just wasn't there. I saw the other person as merely a friend. They were great people, just not for me. And without the chemistry, there was no sexual compatibility.
newdawn Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I simply can't "force" it. It's either there, or it's not. IME, "it" is when the person seems to align with what I want. All the little tumblers just fall into place, and the safe to my heart opens. The little tumblers are things like, shared vision, same values, honesty, kindness, respect, intellectual prowess, physical chemistry. There are others, but that's some... Only problem occurs when I have misinterpreted who he really is. Then when I find out he is not really the person I imagined, and I'm in love with an imaginary person, then I have to evict this one from my heart. It's a process, but it must be done. I have made this mistake a few times. Hope I never make it again... But yeah, when it's gone, it's gone... the heart can be conned for a while, but not for long....the truth always sets me free.
Author sumdude Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 This is speaking in my experience and opinion. When that has happened to me, the chemistry just wasn't there. I saw the other person as merely a friend. They were great people, just not for me. And without the chemistry, there was no sexual compatibility. The thing is? Men and women probably define or experience chemistry differently. Which is why so many of us guys end up dumbfounded when she says "I love you but I'm not in love with you." You'll never hear a man say that. We want to understand what was broken and fix it while women are more often just done and moving on to the next thing. I know for myself and a lot of guys at I want to try to figure out what the hell happened so I can learn from it. Because the other path is frustration and bitterness.
TouchedByViolet Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 The thing is? Men and women probably define or experience chemistry differently. Which is why so many of us guys end up dumbfounded when she says "I love you but I'm not in love with you." You'll never hear a man say that. We want to understand what was broken and fix it while women are more often just done and moving on to the next thing. I know for myself and a lot of guys at I want to try to figure out what the hell happened so I can learn from it. Because the other path is frustration and bitterness. I agree with this. Men are generally much more straightforward in their attractions. Women it seems like can feel chemistry one day and then not the next. The reasoning given by women is just as arbitrary as the result.
flying Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 The thing is? Men and women probably define or experience chemistry differently. Which is why so many of us guys end up dumbfounded when she says "I love you but I'm not in love with you." You'll never hear a man say that. We want to understand what was broken and fix it while women are more often just done and moving on to the next thing. I know for myself and a lot of guys at I want to try to figure out what the hell happened so I can learn from it. Because the other path is frustration and bitterness. Guys. Yes, men say this. I've had it said to me. It's just that, since you don't date men, you don't hear it from them. My experience is indeed that after the relationship has ended - and that's a key point - women are more inclined to actually have it be over and not look back. But whether that's a bad thing is all in how you look at it: Personally, I see nothing wrong with the fact that my BF never has to worry about me reconnecting with an ex, because I'm with him now. Wish I had the same security.
LittleTiger Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Well there's one situation that may be more in my the front of my mind which is the scenario I put up. But this is in general too. I think it's one of the sticking points and differences between men and women when it comes to sex and attraction. So in this case "IT" is the difference maker between a friend and a lover or a lover and an ex. IT's the reason men will continue banging their heads and hearts against the wall continuing to be 'friends' with a woman hoping she'll change her mind someday (which almost never happens) while the woman will look at him and think "Yeah, he's totally a great guy...but" She may not understand herself why she doesn't have IT for him. He can be attractive "physically", financially sound, good provider, smart etc and not be a doormat or the negative "nice guy" type. For example, the situation where a woman keeps dating a guy who doesn't treat her well, doesn't have certain qualities she really wants, isn't even compatible yet she can't seem to get away from the relationship and gets drawn back into it over and over. In this case she still has IT for the guy. So IT's really about sex right? The first thing to go when a LTR is failing is sex... when the woman is unhappy in the relationship. Usually a man will continue to want it even though he's not happy in the relationship otherwise as long as physical attraction is still there. OK, so 'it' is sexual chemistry. I know from a previous post that, for some reason, you don't believe this exsits because you don't understand it, but anyone who has experienced it knows that it exists. Psychologists and sociologists have been studying sexual chemistry since before you were born (probably before anybody on LS was born) and still nobody has come up with a definitive answer. I found a great article about it which you might find interesting. Here's how it starts: In many cases of intense chemistry there is powerful magnetism because, in addition to physical attraction, you each have some of the major positive and negative characteristics of significant people in your partner's earlier life. You will be consciously aware of the positive features, but the negative ones that also lure you will stay below radar until you get to know each other better. Once the initial romantic blowtorch begins to cool, each partner's negative submerged characteristics become visible (typically after two or three months of dating regularly). Here's a link to the full article - scroll down the page to where is starts 'Magnetic Infatuation'. Quite fascinating actually and I think it may answer your question. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-in-limbo/200909/intense-sexual-chemistry-part-2
JungleLover Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I had one ex girlfriend dump me, then call me a few days later asking for a reconciliation because "she didn't realise I felt so strongly about her". Because I didn't take her back there and then, she went completely cold on me and after a while refused to even speak to me. I've regretted that to this day, but I can't help thinking that she was unreasonable. I would take her back tomorrow if she called. It would have been a short term resolution if you had took her back then and there. She wasn't willing to get back with you because she felt really strongly for you. If she did, she would not have refused to talk to you afterward. You save yourself a bigger heartache that would have occurred later.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 If it ever goes, you never had it. I kinda agree. Let's face it people don't often love someone else--they love who they think the person is. They become intoxicated with their illusion of someone. Then reality sets in and it turns out the other person isn't as perfect as they thought and can't fulfill every desire on cue. Once an illusion is dispelled it's gone. The question then becomes can one break through to really loving someone else for who they are after having this big bubble burst? Some can, most can't.
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