Just ridiculous Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Hey guys, just wanted to check in with you to give you a bit of an update. For those who remember, I was here a few months ago with the confirmation of my husband's affair, the ensuing drama, etc. Anyway, we are currently in reconciliation mode, though things are are tough right now. We are talking though like we never had before, and both understanding where we destroyed our marriage. I always assumed he stopped loving me because of the changes in my life, but he became upset because of me lying to him about sleeping with someone 9 years ago when we weren't together. I knew it bothered him when he found out about it 3 years ago, but I figured since he had done the same thing, he was just being unreasonable and should get over it (that was when he began keylogging me, and calling, etc, you can read my other posts for more info). Turns out he felt that I cheated on him, and grieved the lost trust for three years. Hence today's situation. I stopped caring for him in many ways because of that treatment, so we kinda just closed ourselves off from each other for several years. Now, we are in a situation where I understand where he came from. I am sorry I let him go through that alone, but I honestly did not get why he felt that way about the situation. My therapist says that even though there is a bit of a double standard there, if there is something in a marriage that is one partner's problem, then it is an issue for both. So I am coming to terms with that, and wishing I had done more to make him understand that I always loved him and cared. So that coupled with me having to deal with his affairs is definitely a lot on my plate. To clarify, there is never a real reason, excuse, or justification for an affair, ever. I do not excuse what he has done, and will never feel he had any justification for it. I just know that beyond that, we do have to own what we each did to ruin our marriage, kwim? He has not been threatening since the police call, which honestly was a terrible incident, which my mom kinda amped up, but nonetheless, was a scary thing. Since that time, we are talking, talking, talking. He is back at the house, helps out, gave me passwords to email accounts, and has maintained NC with the other women. Will it be enough for me to forgive and be with him? I really do hope so, but as you all know, time will tell. I am trying to get him to understand how badly I hurt and am having a great deal of trouble dealing, but I keep talking. I think the talking and will help both of us know where we are and where to go forward to. I want to thank everyone who has given me support and those who post their stories. This is a great place, and I hope everyone else finds the healing they need.
heartbrokensj Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 H Anyway, we are currently in reconciliation mode, though things are are tough right now. We are talking though like we never had before, and both understanding where we destroyed our marriage. I always assumed he stopped loving me because of the changes in my life, but he became upset because of me lying to him about sleeping with someone 9 years ago when we weren't together. I knew it bothered him when he found out about it 3 years ago, but I figured since he had done the same thing, he was just being unreasonable and should get over it (that was when he began keylogging me, and calling, etc, you can read my other posts for more info). Turns out he felt that I cheated on him, and grieved the lost trust for three years. Hence today's situation. I stopped caring for him in many ways because of that treatment, so we kinda just closed ourselves off from each other for several years. Now, we are in a situation where I understand where he came from. I am sorry I let him go through that alone, but I honestly did not get why he felt that way about the situation. My therapist says that even though there is a bit of a double standard there, if there is something in a marriage that is one partner's problem, then it is an issue for both. So I am coming to terms with that, and wishing I had done more to make him understand that I always loved him and cared. So that coupled with me having to deal with his affairs is definitely a lot on my plate. To clarify, there is never a real reason, excuse, or justification for an affair, ever. I do not excuse what he has done, and will never feel he had any justification for it. I just know that beyond that, we do have to own what we each did to ruin our marriage, kwim? He has not been threatening since the police call, which honestly was a terrible incident, which my mom kinda amped up, but nonetheless, was a scary thing. Since that time, we are talking, talking, talking. He is back at the house, helps out, gave me passwords to email accounts, and has maintained NC with the other women. Will it be enough for me to forgive and be with him? I really do hope so, but as you all know, time will tell. I am trying to get him to understand how badly I hurt and am having a great deal of trouble dealing, but I keep talking. I think the talking and will help both of us know where we are and where to go forward to. I want to thank everyone who has given me support and those who post their stories. This is a great place, and I hope everyone else finds the healing they need. Thanks for the update, I think its great that both of you are working hard to reconcile. All too often, people just divorce thinking that it will be better or easier somehow if they "start over" with someone new which depending on the situation might be the best course of action if change and responsibility is not a shared outlook. I always admire couples who try their best to work it out before calling it quits because divorce has become the quick and only solution to many issues in marriage, sadly. I wish you both the best and hope you both will get passed this tough time with even more understanding allowing you both to a create marriage where you both are fulfilled, respected and loved in healthy way!
strength-abounds Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Kudos for reconcilitation. It is honorable and refreshing to see a couple trying their hardest to fix a broken marriage. I want to wish you and the hubby best of luck and to keep talking to each other.
goingstrong Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 He has not been threatening since the police call, which honestly was a terrible incident, which my mom kinda amped up, but nonetheless, was a scary thing. JR, don't for 1 second feel bad for calling the police. After reading your posts, if 1/2 of his behavior was true that day, then he was being threatening and you felt threatened, therefore the call was justified. When a man is out of control, they only respond to bigger men kicking their a**, so you did what you had to. Overall you sound like the much bigger person here and can do much better.
What_Next Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Way to go!!!! MY wife and I are currently reconciling as well. She had an affair and I then hooked up with a women right away. We both made so many mistakes. We too have learned and are communicating so well. The road will be hard and full of bumps, but I believe that if possible it is always worth it to try and really repair what you have to begin with. Good luck and keep us posted. It is great to hear success stories.
heartbrokensj Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Way to go!!!! MY wife and I are currently reconciling as well. She had an affair and I then hooked up with a women right away. We both made so many mistakes. We too have learned and are communicating so well. The road will be hard and full of bumps, but I believe that if possible it is always worth it to try and really repair what you have to begin with. Good luck and keep us posted. It is great to hear success stories. What_next..this is great news! I wish you and your wife all the best! This is great 2 marriages reconciling..gives me hope that not all marriages with serious will end in divorce..... Thanks for sharing!
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