Els Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 This question is mainly aimed at those of you who are working full-time, and in an LTR where you see your partner most days of the week, or live together. The bf and I see each other on most nights, and we seem to be falling 'into a rut', as one poster put it on my previous thread. Going out is out of the question; besides the fact that he works full-time and would just like to relax at home after work, in the place where we live nowhere is really open at night except bars, and we both dislike bars. So most of the time when he gets back we snuggle into bed together for a nap, then later cook dinner and eat together, watch some shows and play games together, then do our own stuff for a while. If we feel like it (every other day or so), there'll be some making out and sex, and then we fall asleep for the night. I'm not exactly displeased about this, but I was just wondering if it's normal? We used to be in an LDR, so each time a visit occurred we would just be all over each other all of the time, because we had to squeeze everything into a few weeks. Plus all of that was back in our old country, where nights were warm (or hot, actually), shopping malls were open til 11pm, so we could go out and catch a movie and stuff. Maybe I'm just having trouble adjusting? We do go out most weekends, unless he's working or having an exam.
anne1707 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 That all sounds perfectly normal. Though it might be good to try and have a night out together sometime during the week. It breaks the week up and can allow you to focus on each other without distractions of TV, games, LS.....
denise_xo Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Sounds normal to me, too. Maybe you can insert going to the cinema or having a drink (in a relaxed placed rather than noisy bar) or food with friends now and then? Or just going for a walk can be nice, too.
Author Els Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 I personally would like to do that, but he gets really exhausted after work so he'd like to just stay home and relax. I'd probably feel the same way too if I was working full-time and having to pass exams as well. And I don't think I should pressure him if he isn't feeling up to it. So weekends are usually our time to go out; besides, there are more places open during the day than at night.
denise_xo Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I personally would like to do that, but he gets really exhausted after work so he'd like to just stay home and relax. I'd probably feel the same way too if I was working full-time and having to pass exams as well. And I don't think I should pressure him if he isn't feeling up to it. So weekends are usually our time to go out; besides, there are more places open during the day than at night. If that's the case and you need a bit of variation, you might want to have an evening a week or every other week where you do something with a friend. I've had a massive work schedule for a while so haven't had the energy to socialise out much during the week, but I encourage my partner to go out and do stuff without me so it doesn't create a situation where he's resentful because I'm often tired. One of the things that happens in the transition from LTR to living together is finding a new kind of balance between spending together-time and alone/alone with other friends-time, so you can consider it in that light. People are different, but to me it's generally important that both have a bit of separate time with other people, IME it rejuvenates time together.
Author Els Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 It's not so much me needing variation - I have plenty of free time to go out and do my own thing while he's working anyway. It's more of, us becoming routine, I guess. How about you guys? What do you typically do with your partner on weeknights?
denise_xo Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 It's not so much me needing variation - I have plenty of free time to go out and do my own thing while he's working anyway. It's more of, us becoming routine, I guess. How about you guys? What do you typically do with your partner on weeknights? Right now we're not great on doing stuff together, partially because of our work schedules and partially due to some ongoing relationship challenges. But back when we were a bit better at these things, if we didn't stay at home doing something along the line of what you're describing, we would usually do something like go to the movies, have friends over to watch a DVD or have some food, meet friends out for food or drinks, go for a walk, see live music, or go to some kind of public lecture or debate. But that wouldn't be every night obviously, but maybe once or twice a week, also depending on how busy we'd been during the week and weekend. In the summer we'd often bbq and hang out with friends in a park or by the beach.
sumdude Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Sounds like you both might need some other outside of the relationship activities perhaps. One thing that can happen once you start living together is you each lose a bit of social life. You don't have to hang out together at home every night. Go out and meet up with friends on your own. Obviously there has to be good trust in the R so jealousy isn't a factor. You're still individuals with your own lives as well. It's healthy for each person to keep having a life of your own to a point or you end up in codependency land. A hobby, a club, a sport, bowling, billiards, art classes, music, whatever works for you.
make me believe Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 We don't do anything together on weeknights because he works until 11:30pm and I'm usually in bed by the time he gets home. When I lived with my ex, though, it varied. We would make dinner together, go for walks around the neighborhood, watch tv, go out for a drink or dessert, go running, play tennis, meet up with some friends... And then we'd go through random phases like the one where he tried to teach me chess. Also he was in a bowling league, so once a week he'd do that & I'd either stay home or go watch him. Sometimes we'd do separate things, too. What you're describing sounds pretty normal to me. Why don't you ask your BF if he also feels like you guys are in a rut on weeknights? It sounds like he's content with the current situation, but you're bored with it. So in that case, I'd suggest that you find things to do on your own while he's relaxing on the couch. You don't have to spend every minute together the second you both get home. Have dinner together & catch up, then go do something you find entertaining if you're bored.
Author Els Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 Thanks for your replies, guys. As I mentioned before, I have plenty of free time during the day to pursue my other hobbies. And this thread wasn't so much about being bored, as it is about brainstorming how we can keep the spark alive in the routine day-to-day life. A couple can spend all the time they want apart and doing their own stuff, but that doesn't necessarily help them spend better quality time together when they're together. I'm also wondering a little, about how much physical contact is normal. We're definitely not anything close to just being roommates, but we don't touch as much as we used to while in an LDR. Mostly we only have physical intimacy before sex or before sleeping, with other small gestures here and there such as him putting his arm around me while we watch a show, or a light slap to the butt, etc. But sometimes a few hours go by without any physical contact at all, even if we're in the same room together. Is this something else that I'll have to get used to in an LTR?
anne1707 Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 You are worrying too much Elswyth as you try to adjust to a new style of relationship - all understandable though The key thing is to not take each other for granted. Living together is about the litle gestures rather than those you may be more used to in a LDR. But as you say, you need to work on keeping the spark so don't always be too quick to just collapse in front of the TV. Have an evening during the week where, even if you can't find a quiet bar to go to, you make the effort at home to just focus on each other and talk about anything and everything. As for the physical contact, you would probably start getting fed-up if you were always in some form of contact and complaining about how he gives you no space. It's just about finding the right balance for how your life is now. Don't read too much into it.
LittleTiger Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 (edited) I agree with Ann. I think you are worrying a little too much. The dynamics of a LTR where you spend most of your free time together are very different from dating or a LDR. It's just about finding the right balance that works for you. As you know, I have experience of both and I can understand, as this is your first serious 'being together all the time' relationship (that's correct isn't it?) that you may be feeling slightly 'short changed' in terms of the intimacy level now you're together. When an LDR is working the spark is kept alive by the distance alone and by that intense desire you have to see your partner on a daily basis. This magnifies the excitement when you get together for short periods of time. Once you have your partner around all the time and available to you 'on tap', this intensity will naturally wane. This doesn't mean you feel any less for each other or that anything is wrong. Full time relationships take place in the context of full time life (ie jobs, school, chores etc), LDRs are necessarily 'part time' and the relationship doesn't have to mesh in the same way with the day to day hum drum existence of normal life. From what you've said it seems your relationship is going well and what you describe is very normal. When I was happily married, that's pretty much what we did too, and we rarely went out mid-week. In the winter we'd have a 'candle-lit' dinner every night to create some 'quality time'. Nowadays, when I spend a month with my LDR man and he's working and tired at end of the day we just cuddle up on the sofa and talk for hours. Just like we do when we're apart really but with the added bonus of physical contact. Some things don't have to change just because you're living in the same house. Presumably you made 'quality' time for each other without distractions when you lived in different countries, isn't it possible to do the same now that you're together? Edit: Just wanted to add (as if I hadn't already written enough ) - the amount of physical contact that's normal really depends on the couple. Some couples are very 'touchy feely' all the time. Others just have the occasional hug or kiss. If you think you're not getting as much as you'd like, talk to your bf or touch him and hug him more often. It always takes two. Edited October 31, 2010 by LittleTiger
Author Els Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 (edited) Yes, LT, this is my first serious (semi) live-in LTR. The casual ones I had before were quite different. Regarding the touching, I do agree it takes two; the problem is that while he initiates physical contact a reasonable amount of the time, he does not always respond when I initiate, depending on his mood and what he's doing. I, on the other hand, am always ready for some good ol' physical intimacy and will always reciprocate when he initiates. I spoke to him about this and he said sometimes he's just distracted, stressed, or not in the mood. It's like, it's enough to satisfy me, but I would like more, but I feel if he really isn't in the mood he shouldn't do it as an obligation because it's really pointless, like a wife lying there and having sex just because hubby wants it (I could never understand how some husbands could still enjoy that). Besides, he's never pressured me or made me feel obligated to do things that I don't feel like doing. As for quality time without distraction: that's the thing, see. We didn't have that much of it in our LDR, because he doesn't like just sitting and talking for ages. It was more than made up for by the time we spent together during the visits then though. Currently, probably the only 'quality time we have without distraction' is during the times when we go out for walks together, the times we have sex, and the times we snuggle into bed together. Most of the rest of the time is filled up with activities - done together, but still not purely us-time, I guess. I am aware that there is a slight discrepancy of preferences here: He does not enjoy the walks and certain other things as much as I do, but he does it because I like it. I would like to spend more time just focused on each other and not doing something together - but maybe I need to loosen up a bit. I have a feeling I'm this way because of pre-ingrained LDR mode that I've been in the past few years - when together, savour every damn second of it because it'll be over soon enough. I guess I'm still having trouble getting myself into, "Meh, if we don't have much cuddling tonight, we'll just do it tomorrow, or the day after,or the day after, anyway..." mode. Edited October 31, 2010 by Elswyth
D-Jam Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I'll usually come home, have dinner while my GF is sitting there studying (hygene school), chat a bit, maybe open my laptop there and do freelance work (instead of in the study), and just keep her company. Maybe some nights we'll take a break and watch a movie. I usually try to still push for dates and nights out, but right now we tamed it down because of the large amount of work she has in her schooling and the fatigue it places on her. Thankfully it's only for another year. I don't worry about "what to do" as much as "quality time together".
9Lives Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Maybe u can have planned dae nights 2 or 3 times a month. That might give u both something to look forward to. He can plan a date and u can plan the next one. That might be fun
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