dng Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Long story short. I've known her for 9 years, we dated and lived together on and off for 7. Last year I needed to wind down from some intense projects I worked really hard on and we drifted apart, sex became really dull and boring. We were not arguing but it was tense. She asked for a break on the 26th of june, moved out on the 1rst of july or so and told me it was over around the 1rst of august. She never stopped calling me or emailing me about getting back together, she needed more time and space and I let her have it because I love and respect her, and also because she told me she just needed to refocus and it was temporary. She setup many dates with me but would always cancel at the last minute. Finally around the end of september she told me she had been seeing someone for about a month, the month of august and they decided to end it because it went nowhere and they were both fresh out of a relationship and still loved their ex's. As soon as she told me this I went NC. To be fair, I also had been seeing someone around the same time but I couldnt get into it, we had casual sex maybe 3 or 4 times and that was it - and couldnt stand being around her for too long, I felt guilty and I also always had dates setup with my ex to which I gave the absolute priority. We gradually started talking again but I went completely nuts on that guy she had been seeing, I've been obsessed with it, trying to reconstruct it in my head. From what she tells me, they were together all the time, at her new place mostly (I've never been there) and had sex 2-3 times a week and she described it as intense, and he would sleep over all the time. In the bed, on the couch... I feel frustrated because I couldn't achieve this with my fling. Now, I'm completely destroying the multiple offers she is extending to me about spending time with her, talking and trying to resolve our differences. At this point she is begging to come spend some quality time with her and figure our stuff out, because all I can talk about is this guy. Over the whole 4 months period, I've seen her 3 or 4 times, at my place, and she was weird, kept her distances, wanted to hug and to cuddle in bed but flat out refused to have sex and she would usually end up on the couch. Am I wrong to feel she's treating me as a #2 instead of what I deserve, a #1? As you can all see, I'm really losing my cools and degrading myself over this.
anne1707 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 For a start, you do realise it is incredibly unfair of you to be critical of her relationship with this other man when you were seeing someone else too. Especially when it seems part of your problem is that you resent that you did not have such a good time with the woman who you saw. I also think she is being wise for both of you to not have sex with you at the moment. You are both trying to figure out whether you can recover your relationship and whilst it is still so up and down, the physical intimacy may be too much at the moment. Respect her desire to have a limit on what you do for now. In addressing the problems you are experiencing, both leading to the split and reactions to what has happened since, have you considered some form of couples counselling? It could give you a safe environment for you to both talk through problems and try and find solutions together.
Oscar Wilde Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 (edited) Dear dng, First of all you both must agree in talking about your differences, if she is not ready to do so she's gonna feel under pressure. At this point verbal communication can be an issue and it can be better to her feel well with your company with actions, not words. The time you spend together must be quality time. If you're obsessed with this guy you cannot even try to communicate with her. So, I advice to try to resolve your communication issues, then you can try to resolve your differences. As being #2, it's up to you. I think it's better to do a clean break up, move on, try to grow and be better human being. When you both in the future met again, you're going to be different persons, this gonna help you in order to not do the same mistakes. As a conclusions, it's far better to try to heal you, learn from your mistakes, than trying to fix a broken relation. If you talk each other, better talk about what was wrong, honestly, don't blame each other and don't bring up this guy at the moment. Bests regards! Oscar Wilde Edited October 30, 2010 by Oscar Wilde
strength-abounds Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 First of all, there is obviously some resentment on both sides about these extra people. This needs to be addressed by both of you. Jealousy in a relationship is gift that keeps on giving. Stop being critcal of her. This is the first step. As far as being Plan B, that is your decision. IMO, have some self respect for Christ's sake. It's ok to return to this relationship as long as she understands that you are not going to be the fall back guy. Just don't let her make the decision for you. Give the breakup a little space and time to see if the two of you can return without any animosity towards any outside flings. Then it could work out. Good luck.
Hhhh Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Dear dng, First of all you both must agree in talking about your differences, if she is not ready to do so she's gonna feel under pressure. At this point verbal communication can be an issue and it can be better to her feel well with your company with actions, not words. The time you spend together must be quality time. If you're obsessed with this guy you cannot even try to communicate with her. So, I advice to try to resolve your communication issues, then you can try to resolve your differences. As being #2, it's up to you. I think it's better to do a clean break up, move on, try to grow and be better human being. When you both in the future met again, you're going to be different persons, this gonna help you in order to not do the same mistakes. As a conclusions, it's far better to try to heal you, learn from your mistakes, than trying to fix a broken relation. If you talk each other, better talk about what was wrong, honestly, don't blame each other and don't bring up this guy at the moment. Bests regards! Oscar Wilde What do you mean "critical"... He's choosen as a number 2 she broke off the relationship and was seeing someone else... People don't take breaks say figure themselves our to date someone else and have sex... If she really wanted to figure herself out she would have done on her own He is right to be concerned he saw someone else to learn to move which is what he should be doing You don't take relationship breaks to **** someone else that's just like a Sneakier way of cheating
Author dng Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 What I meant is I'm searching in my soul and my heart for meaning and for what I can and cannot accept. Its been over 2 months since she stopped seeing him and I have not seen her since but she calls me all the time. I'm wondering if its a situation were she's picking me as a plan B. My ego doesnt want that but morever, I understand that if its the case the relationship will not work out on the long run.
freeshrink Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 You don't take relationship breaks to **** someone else that's just like a Sneakier way of cheating It depends how serious the original relationship was. Unfortunately, engagements, let alone marriages, are not permanent. Relationship breaks are pursued by those subscribing to the grass is greener mentality. Many people don't have the maturity to recognize a good thing under their own nose. Moving out of a decent relationship suddenly into another is not a recipe for success because the next relationship is not necessarily better than the first. The honeymoon phase in the next relationship finally ends and sometimes the original relationship was far better.
SadGirl23 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 its a awful feeling to know that your ex had someone elses between her legs.. yeah we may get ours, but its the idea of knowing our exes are getting some too. can't shake that feeling. Although I haven't heard from my ex bf, I do think hes having sex with someone else and the thought makes me sick to my stomach.. its not about the idea she probably dated someone, its the idea she had sex with them.. i could careless about my ex kissing or dating another girl, its the sex part that you're used to knowing it was "the two of you way of bonding" and that has been broken because some other dude got some of that bonding.. even though u went elsewhere urself.. it can be a ego or guilt thing. :/
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