lonelylover Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I have been with my partner for over 2 years..At the beginning of our relationship i was confident and self assured..but slowly that confidence has dwindled to a pit of self loathing and insecurities laced with jealously and the feeling of never being good enough. I am a mum, I do not have the body that I had before I had children which adds to my emotional discomfort. I always feel when I am with my partner in public that I am in competition with every other woman. I am jealous of any woman that is thinner and prettier than I am, jealous that they will get the attention of my partner instead me... Today was the first time tho that I felt that actual pain...it had been something I have been fearing for ages...wondering how I would feel or react. I was TRYING to dress shop for Melbourne cup...(with very little success) It is VERY difficult to find a dress (even just regular clothes) to fit me properly. (my boobs are massive, my ass little, with a stretched loose belly from kids) My partner went to go and put something in the car and said he would meet me back at the shops I was in... The shops started to close and so I waited outside the front (still in the department store tho) waiting for him to return. I seen him coming towards me, he got to about 5 meters away and this girl walking in the same direction as me caught his attention (skinny, blond, young,pretty) and he was so focused on her that he never even seen me not even 2 meters away from her!!! i even called his name!! After he passed her by...he just continued to walk PAST ME. He never even seen me...I was there next to him, so was she...but I was not visible to him. It has made me feel invisible and very un attractive. I feel sorry for him that the girl he has chose to be with is a heffa...because the only women he looks at are young and thin. If this is what he likes....how can he ever be satisfied with my body??? I don't understand it and have a hard time believing he is happy with me physically if what he fantasizes about is the opposite... Honest opinions is HUGELY appreciated.
anne1707 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I have been with my partner for over 2 years..At the beginning of our relationship i was confident and self assured..but slowly that confidence has dwindled to a pit of self loathing and insecurities laced with jealously and the feeling of never being good enough. Why do you think you have lost so much confidence? Is this something purely within yourself or has your partner said/done something (other than the incident you describe below)? I am a mum, I do not have the body that I had before I had children which adds to my emotional discomfort. I always feel when I am with my partner in public that I am in competition with every other woman. I am jealous of any woman that is thinner and prettier than I am, jealous that they will get the attention of my partner instead me... But he has chosen you - you are he have been together two years. Do you honestly believe he would stay with you even if he found you unattractive? The one thing that he may find unattractive is your lack of confidence in yourself and lack of belief in him. Today was the first time tho that I felt that actual pain...it had been something I have been fearing for ages...wondering how I would feel or react. I was TRYING to dress shop for Melbourne cup...(with very little success) It is VERY difficult to find a dress (even just regular clothes) to fit me properly. (my boobs are massive, my ass little, with a stretched loose belly from kids) So you are not perfectly in proportion - very few of us are. OK your stomach is not as good as it used to be but none of us are perfect. It's just that you cannot see and then examine in detail the imperfections of others. All you see are your pereceived faults and then think that is all that matters. There was a thread on here recently about stretch marks and whether men were bothered by them. The overwhelming majority said they did not matter. My partner went to go and put something in the car and said he would meet me back at the shops I was in... The shops started to close and so I waited outside the front (still in the department store tho) waiting for him to return. I seen him coming towards me, he got to about 5 meters away and this girl walking in the same direction as me caught his attention (skinny, blond, young,pretty) and he was so focused on her that he never even seen me not even 2 meters away from her!!! i even called his name!! After he passed her by...he just continued to walk PAST ME. He never even seen me...I was there next to him, so was she...but I was not visible to him. Men will look at other women (just as women will look at other men). It's human nature but it does not mean that they will act on this or that they are thinking "if only....". To be honest, the way you described this incident, it sounds more as if your partner was day dreaming - and not neccessarily about this woman seeing as he walked past her. I know that I have sometimes been walking through town or somewhere and will get lost in my thoughts, almost switching off to things going on around me. It has made me feel invisible and very un attractive. I feel sorry for him that the girl he has chose to be with is a heffa...because the only women he looks at are young and thin. If this is what he likes....how can he ever be satisfied with my body??? I don't understand it and have a hard time believing he is happy with me physically if what he fantasizes about is the opposite... Honest opinions is HUGELY appreciated. You are feeling invisisible and unattractive but other than this one incident which you are reading way too much into, has your partner really done anything to make you feel this way? I can promise you too that if you keep telling him that you are a "heffa", whilst he may not think that he will find your self-loathing unattractive. Do you feel as if he has been faking feeling attracted to you for the past two year? Plus just because he looks at one skinny blonde, it does not mean he is fantasising about them - although he could be thinking about how much more he loves his curvy woman at home. You are in danger of interpreting his actions to suit your own personal insecurities when he may be completely head over heels with you.
Author lonelylover Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 (edited) Why do you think you have lost so much confidence? Is this something purely within yourself or has your partner said/done something (other than the incident you describe below)? unfortunately he speaks before he thinks if he is upset. anything nice he says, anything we do together he takes back when he gets upset. He has a very quick temper. He will say things he knows will hurt me like I am worthless, I should go back to my ex (which we both know I hate him to my core!) He will call me by his Ex's name (who is a froot loop). If he is jacked off and I reach out to touch him he explodes saying i don't deserve to touch him.He throws things through walls and says it's my fault. The next day he takes it all back and says the opposite..apologises and says i don't deserve to be spoken to that way....but the same thing happens the next time... It is very conflicting emotionally. But he has chosen you - you are he have been together two years. Do you honestly believe he would stay with you even if he found you unattractive? The one thing that he may find unattractive is your lack of confidence in yourself and lack of belief in him. Very true. To be honest, the way you described this incident, it sounds more as if your partner was day dreaming - and not neccessarily about this woman seeing as he walked past her. He walked past me, not her...I was standing there watching him about 2 meters away and he was almost breaking his neck to watch her...He said that he felt bad he was looking at her and didn't see me. I can promise you too that if you keep telling him that you are a "heffa", whilst he may not think that he will find your self-loathing unattractive. On a rational level I know this and I really try my hardest. I see a psychologist because I have had some other traumatic things happen in the last few years aswell. But on that irrational level I just lose it, I am so critical of myself that I take it out on him if I even think he is looking at another woman or porn (which he loves to do in solitude) my head just screams that if he is doing that he must not be happy with my appearance. I try my absolute best, I really do. So i think if I hear what other people think on here it might throw some more perspective on my crazy insecure demons. Edited October 30, 2010 by lonelylover
havehope Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 This doesn't sound healthy at all... iMHO you need to leave for your safety - its not good when he snaps and gets violent when he is angry. He is emotionally purposefully hurting you by calling you his ex's name and tells you you are worthless. No one NO ONE should be spoken to like that by someone who 'loves' them. Your partner should build you up, make you feel good about yourself. You deserve better than that! He knows he has this 'power' over you, and he feeds off it. Don't be blind to that. I know its hard to leave someone you love, but please reevaluate this relationship for your emotional and physical well being. Forget what you feel and remember what you DESERVE
anne1707 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 On a rational level I know this and I really try my hardest. I see a psychologist because I have had some other traumatic things happen in the last few years aswell. But on that irrational level I just lose it, I am so critical of myself that I take it out on him if I even think he is looking at another woman or porn (which he loves to do in solitude) my head just screams that if he is doing that he must not be happy with my appearance. I try my absolute best, I really do. So i think if I hear what other people think on here it might throw some more perspective on my crazy insecure demons. Lonely Your initial response to my post was just this yet you have then edited your post and completely turned it around from being your own personal insecurities to your partner being abusive (none of which was mentioned in the first post). I know I could be wrong but for some reason I don't feel 100% convinced that you are telling us the truth
Author lonelylover Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 Lonely Your initial response to my post was just this yet you have then edited your post and completely turned it around from being your own personal insecurities to your partner being abusive (none of which was mentioned in the first post). I know I could be wrong but for some reason I don't feel 100% convinced that you are telling us the truth Anne, I never edited my initial post, just the second one, and only because I didn't know how to multi quote and when I posted it it was all over the place. I don't have a dishonest bone in me. I never considered what he does to be abuse.I have always just said he has a very "hot" temper. I was just explaining to you the reasons why i do feel insecure about myself as this was not something he did at the beginning of our relationship. I have my OWN personal insecurities and hang up about my body that leads to a tremendous amount of jealousy.(these insecurities I had before I ever met him) What does not help me is when he is upset and says I am worthless. Words can be taken back, but the feeling it gives me inside seems to stay with me forever. I want to be clear that I haven't been dishonest one bit. that was my first post ever and it is the first piece of information about my life that anybody has read. It was a reflection of how I was feeling that day and what happened that day. Why do you think you have lost so much confidence? Is this something purely within yourself or has your partner said/done something (other than the incident you describe below)? this is the quote that i mentioned earlier about simply explaining what HE has done to play a role in my low self esteem. as you asked... Has your partner said/done something?
D-Lish Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 He does sound abusive. An apology doesn't negate an abusive tirade, it's always going to be the abusive stuff that we internalize. As long as you believe you are worthless, he's painted you into the corner he needs you to be in. You've chosen to see his behaviour as a result of your shortcomings instead of his.
anne1707 Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Anne, I never edited my initial post, just the second one, and only because I didn't know how to multi quote and when I posted it it was all over the place. It was your second post that I was referring to as its implications changed completely after your edit. I don't have a dishonest bone in me. I never considered what he does to be abuse.I have always just said he has a very "hot" temper. I was just explaining to you the reasons why i do feel insecure about myself as this was not something he did at the beginning of our relationship. What is a "hot temper" to some is abuse to another. If it leaves you feeling emotionally battered then it is abuse and should not be tolerated. I have my OWN personal insecurities and hang up about my body that leads to a tremendous amount of jealousy.(these insecurities I had before I ever met him) What does not help me is when he is upset and says I am worthless. Words can be taken back, but the feeling it gives me inside seems to stay with me forever. But in your very first post, you said you were confident and self-assured but now you say you have had insecurities for longer than that - you do contradict yourself hence my confusion. However if he talks to you in that way, it is wrong. This is his problem and he is trying to make it yours. I want to be clear that I haven't been dishonest one bit. that was my first post ever and it is the first piece of information about my life that anybody has read. It was a reflection of how I was feeling that day and what happened that day. Fair enough this is the quote that i mentioned earlier about simply explaining what HE has done to play a role in my low self esteem. as you asked... Has your partner said/done something? I asked if he had done something to try and establish whether you were describing a one-off incident or whether there was more to the situation and it would now appear that there is much more to it. If he is abusing you like this yet you want to make this relationship work then you should both get counselling - you for your insecurity issues and he for his anger management. You cannot live a life like this where you are made to feel bad for his own inadequacies. Your posts are all over the place where you seem to be excusing his behaviour - detailing the imperfections in your body, your lack of confidence, that he just has a temper. This is what an abuser does - they make their victim feel as if they themselves are the one at fault and that they do not deserve better. Well you do deserve better than this.
chocha_mocha Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Judging by what you have said, its no wonder why you feel insecure. How can anyone feel secure in a relationship when they are being told to go back to their ex or being called the name of his previous lover? I think if you were with someone who didn't have such a 'hot temper' then you wouldn't be feeling so crap about yourself. I've noticed how my thought process have changed with different boyfriends - with one, if there was a very attractive women stood in his line of vision, I would probably think "she's really pretty, bet he thinks that too" with another "f*ck, bet he's looking at her and wishing he had that on his arm. I'm so fat and ugly". Why the difference? The difference is the emotional support and containment from one partner. We all have a responsibility to keep ourselves emotionally healthy, but its very hard to do in an abusive relationship. If you were feeling happy about yourself previously then met him and everything started to go wrong - isn't that a sign? I know because the exact same thing has just happened to me. I have never been overly secure with the way I look and always compared myself to others, but I did actually think I looked attractive and felt sexy. 18 months later and a relationship where my head was being played with, I feel like I'm the hunchback's twin sister. Sometimes, people just naturally get very insecure in relationships but I think its the quality of the relationship that dictates just how insecure you will get. The things he's saying to you aren't exactly bumping up your self esteem are they? So you feel crap and then you focus on the things that you feel are crappy about your physical appearance. I think what I am trying to say in a round about way is don't be too hard on yourself. You may have some body insecurities, but then so do millions of people these days. I don't mean to play down your feelings, its just regardless of what society likes to portray as attractive, no one will ever match its perfection because it doesn't exist - the women who you see your partner looking at, or in magazines/porn etc, you think they look look like that from just waking up and falling out of bed? Nope. Why do you think eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorders are on the increase? Partly its because of the pressure we put on ourselves to be what we think others think we should be, or to justify some ridiculously high standard put out there by the celebrity world. I know it sounds corny, but you have to love yourself before you believe someone will, and that includes looks. There are lots of things I would change about my physical appearance but I would never want to be a skinny blonde with huge plastic boobs just because some guy I'm with likes it. Why? because my mum gave me a nice curvy figure, long brown hair and a quirky personality and that's me.
TheLoveAdvisor Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Everything action can be controlled.. Looking and gazing are 2 different things...He is dwindling your self esteem to a point that you question your looks. I am a man, and I look generally at people, not focus on something that is beautiful to a point I have slobber coming out of my mouth... This was very disrespectful on his side... He sees you as a stand by until one of these pretty skinny blonde's responds to his advances....If he is doing this in front of you, then what is he doing behind you??? If he has anger issues, then he must deal with them by medication, or counseling, either or, this can be controlled too... You, as a women have more power than you think, once you realize you are a beautiful person, and you are, by but you wrote, then you will gain the strength to make changes... Be happy with who you are! You dont have to be a super model! If you so strongly wish he would change, then you must do the same and be the example he must deal with...You cant expect him to change if you cannot respond to his nastiness by making some boundries.... Tell him how you felt when he looked at that women, if he makes snide remarks, then you must decide if you truly want a man that is going to degrade you... You have the power inside yourself, don't let anybody tell you otherwise..You can make changes, but you must do it from within! You can do it, you just need to make a date and do it! Decide you are beautiful, you are WOMEN! And you deserve to be treated with the utmost respect! You can do it, just make a day and do it! Write down your plans, your wishes, your wants, and do it! There are many men out there who would cherish your heart, not just your body! Remember that! God put many fish in the sea! If he truly loves you, then he will make the changes necessary to make you feel respected, but you must let him know! Love is respect, trust, and honor, plus so much more, but love isn't degrading....
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