The at work relationship

[restart]

Okay, so here goes. Trying to re-enter into a possible relationship.

I've had strong feelings for a co-worker for sometime, but I waited too long, and suddenly another at work asked her out and she went. A few weeks later, in my agony, I decided to try and see if I can somehow reach her.

So since then, here's the scenario. We started saying hi, good nite more regularly, and it led finally to an early morning (coffee room) conversation, wherein, I asked her if she was seeing someone (being naiive on my part, and fully expecting her to say yes), and she kinda said "yeah", after which I basically decided to ask her if she wanted to join me for dinner or such sometime. She agreed, instantly, said yes looking me right in the eyes. I suggested tonight, to which she suddenly appeared to change and said, no,no, have to work overtime tomorrow early (which she did, I now), but we agreed to possibly the following week. Well, I thought, okay maybe some progress here, we'll see.

So, in the coming week, unfortunately there was lots of overtime, and she worked the entire week with long hrs including weekend hours. I did not bother to re-ask her as I knew the situation. However, when we did see each other, we stared into each other's eyes for at least 10-20seconds; this is not an exaggeration on my part, I felt like I was going to dive into those eyes; also, if she hadnt met my stare and turned away and made a fedup type expression, I certainly would've gotten the point. This went on for at least a half dozen times during that busy week at work. The following week, I decided just to play cool and see if I can re-establish contact. I wasnt sure whether I really wanted/needed to ask her again, I thought that it should come from her.

It didnt, but end of the week, I saw her come in to work, I called her over, she wasnt sure what I was going to say, and honestly I wasnt sure really either, but I instead I opted for a strong gesture (as I was really getting tired of stares and hi's and goodbyes) kissed her hand.

Now, I was really just wanting to establish or re-establish contact, and at the sametime perhaps just let her know that its cool, hey I respect you, maybe this kiss is just that. She said thank you, and thats basically all that occurred.

So my questions are now these:

1. She hasnt come around for this last week ever since that hand kiss. I decided not to go out my way to approach her, thinking that anything further should come from her. AM I WRONG HERE? I really dont' want to be jilted twice, since she never once suggested an alternate date for dinner etc.

2. There is a communcation issue due to language. Her English isnt the best, she's Hispanic, and unfortunately trying to start a relationship just based on looking at each other is a first for me. SHOULD I JUST GIVE UP?

3. Trying for someone that has a boyfriend is always gonna end up in HOT and COLD days, thats a given. What else can I possibly due to reach her?

Anyhow, some comments would be welcome. The stares we've had have just melted me, and I could tell by her body language, it was not uncomfortable for her as well. If it had been, I'm the first to just say leave her alone, its at work, dont make things strange.

So what does a guy do next?

Thanks y'all.

Restart

[Green_eyes]

Oh dear! What a mess

 

Right - here's my take on the situation. There's a pretty good chance, that she knows how you feel. There is also a pretty good chance that she feels the same way - eye contact for that long is a pretty good indicator. However, if she is going out with someone else then she probably needs time to sort herself out and think about where she wants to be. She may be torn between two people and needs to work that out for herself.

 

The ball is firmly in her court, and now it is a waiting game on your part. Don't push the issue any further and see how it turns out.

 

In my opinion, relationships in the workplace are not a good idea - but they do happen. However, the last thing any of you want is some form of love triangle developing between three colleagues. Tread carefully, and good luck!

[restart]

Thanks green eyes!

Yes, I basically reached the same conclusion about leaving it up to her. The only thing that I can't sort out is whether she thinks I'm a creep now (for the hand kiss thing), and will try to physically avoid me at all cost, OR whether by avoiding her, she might be thinking what kind of a jerk am I to kiss her hand then avoid her? I guess it will only sort itself out one way or another, by just another happenstance runinto at work unfortunately, since our paths don't cross anywhere else, and even at work its distant.

I know she was alone for awhile (but so was I!), and regarding the sorting out thing, yes she might think well if I drop this guy, and jump and then that flops, then she's got nothing again. I've been there on that myself.

Staying cheery nonetheless!

[restart]

Well thought I'd give an update....

Since the last intro, agreed to leave the ball in her court. Well, nothing much transpired during the past month or so unfortunately. Some casual hi's, byes, and still some long stares but no further actions from her.

Guess this is how it goes with a girl that has a boyfriend (or at least I think she still does, how would I know if we can't talk and I'm laying low?).

Oh forgot, there were a couple interesting incidents. Leaving work, she happened to stop at a stopsign, and (appeared) to wait long enough for me to catch up and pull along side her. This was like end of the week, and I really didnt know for sure whether she would see me. But we did, and we stared again, until some traffic pulled up behind us and I was forced to turn. Unfortunately I just mouthed a good bye, and kick myself for not signaling her to at least pull over behind me, to chat or whatever... Egads!...I mean what can I person do at a stop sign with traffic!

The other one, which has unfortunately almost nixed everything for me, is her walking by my cube one day, and I could clearly hear her boyfriend (I think) bellowing on her cell phone which she had next to her ear. Now, without looking, I knew with peripheral vision that she was kinda looking my way, but I refused to glance at her. It just all hit me then, that what is a guy supposed to do (ie keep doing for the last couple months...)..make a love face/expression and mouth hi to her and hope that she'll smile and finger-wave back...!? And thats all I get?

I guess its reached a head for me now, since if I can't receive undivided attention (can you ever from someone that has a boyfriend...) for at least 30 seconds, then whats the point? My sleep cycle has been interrupted for the past couple months, I wake up almost talking to her, but its like throw in the towel time I feel, just to keep my sanity and regain restful sleep. And hopefully make me regain my composure and nonchalantness (hate the word...) as to be expected at work.

So there's a brief update...not sure if anymore will follow! you gotta do what you gotta do, can't wait forever.

[DuskCrush]

I think you need to stop the game playing and just have a direct conversation with her. If you end up rejected at least you will have closure. Don't keep over-analyzing this non-situation.

Just go up to her and start talking casually and then just ask her if she is interested or not. Don't make assumptions and don't play any games...you're beyond that point now.

[restart]

Yeah, thanks. Basically have reached the same end about a possible conversation, but problem is that its at work, our paths don't cross outside work, and our locations there aren't eased accessed, she is surrounded by coworkers etc. Trying to even manuever into finding her can end up in a weeks planning and arbitrary hoping!

The other thing is this. You have a bright star at work, someone (the only one) thats smiling at you and basically making you feel like going into work in hopes of seeing her. So if you extinguish that flame, you got nothing anymore (at work anyhow!) and the workplace returns to being drab. If you play along, ie be the backburner guy maybe, then your world at work stays warmer. Of course my sanity suffers....! We'll see!

[Green]

You sound a little obsessed and to invested in this girl who you've never even been on a date with. You are your own worst enemy it seems when it comes to getting women. You have overanalyzed the sht out of all of this when all you needed to do was ASK HER OUT and then continue ASKING her out until you a) got bored b) got any indication she didn't want it... but SHE DOES WANT IT.. heck why did she stare at you so much, or wait at the stop sign and then just stare at eachother till you got scared when trafic came behind you and said "bye"... dude you could have put ur window down and said "FOLLOW ME" and then taken her back to ur place or a restaurant.

 

Kissing her hand was a really lame thing to do. You need to take her on a date and KISS HER LIPS.

[DuskCrush]

Restart ---is the crush at work affecting the rest of your life?

Are you trying to date other women and pursue other options?

If so, then by all means keep flirting with her and waiting for an opportunity.

But --> if thoughts of her is dominating your life and preventing you from having a relationship...then I think you need to give up the work flirtation.

As awesome as it might be (and believe me work flirtations do make work so worthwhile) it is wrecking havoc on your life.

 

So go up to her -chat --and ask her out. Be Brave restart!! Also please look at my thread in the dating section about 'Clarity' if you can. Your situation sounds a lot like one I was in earlier in the year.

[Ometeotl]

Gotta be honest, I didnt read your entire post.

 

My unstudied advice,

 

watch the big lebowski, really get into that character, "the dude" and when you bump into her, just think of yourself as "the dude" and everything will just go with the flow and work itself out smoothly organically and nicely.

 

But thats like, my opinion man.

 

Thats all I got.

 

Good luck to you my Good Sir

[restart]

Appreciate the responses, although perhaps didn't emphasize some of the earlier "obstacles", ie its at work, she's very Hispanic, she has a boyfriend, our paths dont cross anywhere else. There are too many things working against me on this, even though my heart is saying stay in the game. I guess what I was seeking is whether someone else has really had these kind of obstacles or similar, and what they did if they managed to pull thru. Thanks anyhow, but I'm starting to wave my white towels!!

[DuskCrush]

Well Restart--are you sure she has a boyfriend? She just said she was seeing someone...maybe she is just dating the guy?

You should ask her on a specific date. Like hey do you want to go to dinner on Saturday or grab a drink on Friday. If she makes up an excuse then you'll know she's definitely not interested and you'll have closure.

[uncool]

You should ask her on a specific date. Like hey do you want to go to dinner on Saturday or grab a drink on Friday. If she makes up an excuse then you'll know she's definitely not interested and you'll have closure.

 

this ^^

 

you're single dude... don't limit your options. You gotta play the game... chicks dig guys who play the game. Let her see you flirt with somebody else. Dinner is a lame way to show them you like them. You gotta out play the other guy. Do a random act of kindness: wash her car... or Scrape ice off her windshield every morning, clean her desk, put her favorite drink on her desk without her seeing you.

[restart]

Thanks again all!

I think the only thing I can come up with is discussion with a work friend of hers, a confidante that perhaps I might be able to break some ice with, explain my end of things, understand her end perhaps. Would rather hear all this from my love interest, but I clearly think this might be my only saving grace. I have not spoken to that person about this, but I believe/sense that she is possibly aware of the interest that was happening, I can also tell by her expression and eyes sometimes. Its the only that might push things forward, since the work environment is very restrictive. What have I got to lose!?!

[restart]

No progress as yet, although further hi's, stares in passing.

Its funny, its like being on opposite subway trains or escalators, except seeing that same person day in day out going the other way, you stare then whoooooosh, till the next arbitrary meeting who knows when! I think the holidays had better find me other options...

[DuskCrush]

I don't get why you won't ask her out....

You still invested.

Take the risk.

[restart]

Oh I know, sooner or later, I may just have to leap off my escalator and onto hers....!Its all about timing at work unfortunately, since I have too much respect.