Opposite sex friendships - how close is too close?

[counterman]

I personally think the friendship is inappropriate as well, in the context that he is in fact dating another girl.

 

From experience, what I have noticed is that friendships like that usually end in the two dating. It has happened with countless couples, who are my friends. One of my mates has been friends with this girl for 5 years before they got together this year. Hell, one of the girls I asked out this year recently got together with a close guy friend a week ago, who she hangs around a lot. She was the one who said that she only dates friends... so I guess that was true.

 

A lot of the times when the date notices that the guy/girl has this sort of friendship... it becomes problematic when he/she demands that ot comes to an end. From what I have noticed, the usual response is "She/he was my friend before I met you" - the two cease dating.

 

From further observation, spending that much time together, it is inevitable that an emotional connection, even dependency is established. However, one party might not view it more than just friendship. As an example, a friendship between a couple of my friends recently broke apart since he said that she was not putting enough effort into the friendship. She called him needy. He saw it for more than it actually was and she didn't. He was really hurt by it...and she just didn't care.

 

I have had girls try to get close to me as "friends" in the hope that something deeper would happen. They disappeared when I pulled away after noticing they felt "weird" when I spoke about some girl I like. Hence, I have never been able to have close girl friends nor would I want one (unless a FWB situation arose). I have tried putting effort into friendships with the opposite sex, and all they do is become unavailable when they find a guy to date again. So, I just hang out with my mates from now on and spend alone time with the girls I date.

[gypsy_nicky]

I'm engaged in a debate with a male friend of mine, who doesn't understand why a girl he's interested in/dating is so bent out of shape over his friendship with another female (not me).

 

See, I thought he and I were pretty close, but we only text a few times a week (if that), or IM... and hang out maybe once or twice a month (happy hours on concerts). But he has this other female friend who he met about a year ago, who he spends a TON of time with, to the point it even kinda irks ME... I can't imagine how I'd feel if in a girl he's dating's shoes (and no, I'm not jealous, it just seems weird).

 

I was with him tonight when he was on the phone with this girl, and he kept talking about what he and Ann were doing for Halloween. He talks about Ann as though Ann is the girl he's dating. To me, to this girl, to everyone.

 

He's admitted to the girl he's dating (me too) that he used to be really attracted to this friend, and even "wanted to hit it." I think he still would, IF she were interested.

 

Personally, I think this friendship is inappropriate - that he shouldn't spend so much time with her or talk about her so much... He thinks I'm crazy, and I'm wondering if other guys feel the same way.

 

something's off. That's all.

 

Ive seen this happen quite a few times....and its usually:

 

a form of control and social status. Guy/girl overemphasizes an opposite sex friendship to bait their beloved other. Jealousy is a powerful tool. People who have more opposite sex friendships tend to be viewed more favorably by other people. If you know what I mean.

[Els]

I'm all for having opposite sex friendships, but I think definitely think there's a line that can be crossed that makes the friendship just...weird.

 

When your best-friend is a fairly new addition to your list of friends (say, within the past year or so), is of the opposite sex, you spend all your free time with them, and manage to bring them up in every conversation...that's just...weird. And it's bound to make the people you date feel slightly uncomfortable.

 

Agree? Disagree?

 

Where's the line into weirdness?

 

Yes, I would find this very odd. I have some pretty close male chumps, and I certainly don't bring them up in every conversation, nor do I even think about them if we happen not to meet for a few days.

[EasyHeart]

We've had endless threads in this forum in which men have pretty much universally acknowledged that most of our female friends are people we'd like to sleep with. So I think the basic questions you need to ask about other-gender friends is (1) how long have you known each other? and (2) have you slept together? If they've slept together, they aren't "friends" and I think the person your dating should be eager and willing to set them aside for you. The same goes if they've only known each other a few months. In that case, one or the other wants to sleep together, and your dating partner should be willing to create distance in order to make you feel confident that the "friend" isn't a threat to the relationship. The only male-female relationships I'm comfortable with are the ones where they've known each other 5+ years and never slept together. I figure if it hasn't happened in that time, it's probably not going to.

 

I think healthy male-female friendships are modeled on brother-sister relationships. I was very close to my sister growing up, and I've found that I instinctively seek out "sisters" now that my real sister is 2000 miles away. My best friend right now is a woman, and she has always reminded me a lot of my sister, and I remind her of her little brother (whom she was very close to). It's particularly funny because she instinctively took the role of big sister and I became the little brother, even though I am more than ten years older than her! She's not bad looking, but I'd never sleep with her anymore than I'd sleep with my sister. To me, that's a healthy male-female relationship.

[carhill]

When does an opposite-sex friendship become weird and inappropriate, particularly in the context of having that friendship while dating people OTHER than your friend?

 

When conversation, body language and *feelings* depart from the norm applied to same-gender friendships, presuming hetero.

 

Also, IMO, to be healthy, such friendships should be transparent to one's dating partner/SO/spouse and the opposite gender friend should be openly supportive of those dynamics. If other, inappropriate.

 

I had such a friendship and MC helped me define its inappropriateness

[sumdude]

Yes, I would find this very odd. I have some pretty close male chumps, and I certainly don't bring them up in every conversation, nor do I even think about them if we happen not to meet for a few days.

 

Umm.. male chumps? Did you mean chums or was that a Freudian slip?

[runner]

I'm all for having opposite sex friendships, but I think definitely think there's a line that can be crossed that makes the friendship just...weird.

 

When your best-friend is a fairly new addition to your list of friends (say, within the past year or so), is of the opposite sex, you spend all your free time with them, and manage to bring them up in every conversation...that's just...weird. And it's bound to make the people you date feel slightly uncomfortable.

 

Agree? Disagree?

 

Where's the line into weirdness?

 

it'll get wierd quick when one of the two in the 'friendship' begins developing romantic feelings for the other, and it isn't reciprocated. that person who desires more needs to recognise that immediately, realise that the line was crossed, and perhaps create distance or be totally honest with the other person and see how they react. but if this isn't the case, then the involved third person need not worry, and should be reassured the reasons why not.

[9Lives]

I'm all for having opposite sex friendships, but I think definitely think there's a line that can be crossed that makes the friendship just...weird.

 

When your best-friend is a fairly new addition to your list of friends (say, within the past year or so), is of the opposite sex, you spend all your free time with them, and manage to bring them up in every conversation...that's just...weird. And it's bound to make the people you date feel slightly uncomfortable.

 

Agree? Disagree?

 

Where's the line into weirdness?

 

I'm good with close friend thing to certain extent. Some guys start to use their female friend as a escape goat to get into other **** so I don't always like it. There need to be some boundaries.

[LoveLace]

Well of course you describe how it was exactly with my friend C, who was for sure my best friend and spent all his spare time with me. But if I dated during that time, I for sure didn't talk about him with those guys, as of course that would be weird and make them think I had a boyfriend when I didn't. But of course with my girl friends it was a different story as they were there to hear me spill the beans about C all the time. The funny thing was C would always tell me that he would talk about ME with HIS dates. Never understood that, but whatever...surely his dates thought it was strange and even rude at that...

 

Our friendship was too much in the gray area because he'd kiss me on the lips, take me out for big nights on the town and make me a big priority without considering a relationship...hence a friendship lost and not lost on a good note when I called him out on the whole thing. But I have no regrets about that even though it was a very special and memorable time of my life.

[OceanGirl]

At one point in my life, I did develop a very close friendship with a guy that lasted about 7 months. We spoke every day (for hours even) and we hang out together about twice a week (one on one). We went to the movies, dinners, lunches, bars and night clubs. I fell in love with him but he had a girlfriend. We ended up making out a few times but he didn't want to leave the girlfriend for me I got pissed and ended the "friendship". Years later, he was single and attempted to reconnect with me. By then, my feelings for him were gone and I had zero interest in talking to him..

[Crazy Magnet]

This guy and Ann have crossed the weirdness line in my book.

 

Ask him if he's prepared to lose his new girl (and probably girls after her) over Ann. If yes, then let him continue. If he gives that ridiculous "It shouldn't matter line" then go on and let him fail a few times.

[Star Gazer]

People who have more opposite sex friendships tend to be viewed more favorably by other people. If you know what I mean.

 

No, I don't know what you mean. In fact, I tend to view people who have more opposite sex friends than same sex friends suspiciously.

 

So I think the basic questions you need to ask about other-gender friends is (1) how long have you known each other? and (2) have you slept together? If they've slept together, they aren't "friends" and I think the person your dating should be eager and willing to set them aside for you. The same goes if they've only known each other a few months.

 

What if they've known each other a year, have never slept together, but one of the "friends" admits that they once wanted to sleep with the other?

 

I think healthy male-female friendships are modeled on brother-sister relationships.

 

That makes sense, especially if you're trying to replicate a brother-sister relationship you lost or don't have access to. But what if you've never had a brother or sister, only same sex siblings?

[Stockalone]

Agree? Disagree?

 

I agree that the situation you described will most likely make the women he dates uncomfortable.

 

When I had just started to date a woman, I wanted to get to know her better. I wouldn't have been interested in hearing about one of her friends (no matter what gender) all the time.

 

That alone would have been annoying, but that your friend keeps talking about a woman, makes it annoying and weird.

 

If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't keep dating a woman who apparently can't or won't shut up about her male friend.

 

 

Where's the line into weirdness?

 

I believe that being close friends with someone from the opposite sex is always weird.

 

That said, what your friend is doing seems at least unusual, as far as opposite sex friendships go.

 

What makes it weird IMO, is that it looks like he makes Ann his number one priority (talking about her more, spending more time with her, maybe even thinking about her the most) while he's dating other women.

 

Have you asked him why Ann is that important to him?

[LoveLace]

I think it's best to keep opposite sex friends as more like "acquaintances"...spending all your spare time together as two single people is bound to become a situation of unbalanced feelings between them...unless it's clear they are both hoping it evolves more or not, aside from that it's always too complicated.

[allina]

In your situation SG, it seems like "Ann" friend-zoned your friend but that he's very interested in her.

 

I do think their "friendship" is weird and it would make me uncomfortable.

 

I have a close male friend, the friendship you're describing sounds like way more than a friendship to me.

[sumdude]

I think it's best to keep opposite sex friends as more like "acquaintances"...spending all your spare time together as two single people is bound to become a situation of unbalanced feelings between them...unless it's clear they are both hoping it evolves more or not, aside from that it's always too complicated.

 

Indeed, been there more than once.

[LoveLace]

Indeed, been there more than once.

 

 

Ditto ...................plus if one the friends begins to date someone there's an awkward situation for you. My BF has a gal pal like this and she's not taking our relationship very well at all...

[love_confusion]

Thank you for posting this! I'm glad that I'm not the only one who finds a guy with a super close girl friend rather odd. I dated someone that had a best friend who is a girl and he talked about her non stop. It was annoying beyond words. Everything was about her. In fact, I think I know more about her than him. And, I often wondered if when we were together he was thinking about her... It was almost as if he was getting the emotional benefits from her and the physical benefits from me. I couldn't really tolerate it that much and felt of little to no importance when we were together. For example, one time after I kissed him he had some of my lip gloss on his lips. I went to wipe it off and he said, "No...I bet (insert his friend's name here) notices it" since we were going to see her later. Seriously?! That made me feel really special...

[LoveLace]

Thank you for posting this! I'm glad that I'm not the only one who finds a guy with a super close girl friend rather odd. I dated someone that had a best friend who is a girl and he talked about her non stop. It was annoying beyond words. Everything was about her. In fact, I think I know more about her than him. And, I often wondered if when we were together he was thinking about her... It was almost as if he was getting the emotional benefits from her and the physical benefits from me. I couldn't really tolerate it that much and felt of little to no importance when we were together. For example, one time after I kissed him he had some of my lip gloss on his lips. I went to wipe it off and he said, "No...I bet (insert his friend's name here) notices it" since we were going to see her later. Seriously?! That made me feel really special...

 

Ouch

 

You were a jealousy tool....

[dispatch3d]

Well, the basis for a relationship is when two people love talking to one another, enough for them to want to be around each other a lot. Likewise, great friends are also people who love spending time together..

 

I am no expert, but logically, the difference between friendship and something deaper, is when you have chemistry and a sexual attraction towards the person, in addition to the genuine desire to be around them, based on their personality.

 

Are you attracted to any of your male friends? Are any of them attracted to you? If you love being around each other, and also find each other sexually attractive, then it is the chemistry that is missing from the equation....

 

Although do YOU think it is possible for a man and women to LOVE being around each other, in addition to being physically attracted to one another, and to NOT want to be together on a deaper level?

 

For me, I need the physical attraction, a suitable personality, and the chemistry is important too.... I barly have any experience with sex or relationships, but I DO know that I have to have a.. "feeling" about the person, for me to want to have sexual relations with them. Although I know you do not hook up.

 

However, I would need that " feeling" about a man, which people refer to as chemistry, to want anything other than friendship; and I am not sure if physical attraction, and a compatible personality are enough to = sexual desire and a desire for a deaper relationship.

 

I think you are guilty of blurring the line. Guys aren't friends with each other because they love talking to each other. That's not something we look for in friends - someone we can confide in. Guys don't confide in each other. Weird! Soo ahh. That's where trouble comes in. When girls start doing things they do with the friends (who are girls), to a guy you are actually being pretty damn intimate....

 

Think about it. With my good friends I mostly just get drunk, play frisbee, play some board games, etc. Notice I'm not talking about deep **** with them at all? We relate on a physical level, not an emotional level.

[Els]

Umm.. male chumps? Did you mean chums or was that a Freudian slip?

 

LOL. Both, probably.