Star Gazer Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I'm all for having opposite sex friendships, but I think definitely think there's a line that can be crossed that makes the friendship just...weird. When your best-friend is a fairly new addition to your list of friends (say, within the past year or so), is of the opposite sex, you spend all your free time with them, and manage to bring them up in every conversation...that's just...weird. And it's bound to make the people you date feel slightly uncomfortable. Agree? Disagree? Where's the line into weirdness?
tigressA Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I think the line into weirdness is when there's mention of a physical attraction, "jokes" about physical intimacy, etc. I haven't ever been in the circumstances that you've described, in reference to myself or someone I dated. I don't talk much about any guy friends in detail to the guys I date. Usually I'll just be vague and say, "My friend..." (guys and girls), unless they also know the person. Then I'll use their name. I have a guy friend who I'm "married" to on Facebook right now, just as a joke. We're both involved with other people (he's been with his gf for 9+ months), but neither of us had a relationship status previously listed. Even with that, we're not super-close anymore. We very rarely see each other, and talk occasionally. We hung out a lot together when we were both still in school.
Leigh 87 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Well, the basis for a relationship is when two people love talking to one another, enough for them to want to be around each other a lot. Likewise, great friends are also people who love spending time together.. I am no expert, but logically, the difference between friendship and something deaper, is when you have chemistry and a sexual attraction towards the person, in addition to the genuine desire to be around them, based on their personality. Are you attracted to any of your male friends? Are any of them attracted to you? If you love being around each other, and also find each other sexually attractive, then it is the chemistry that is missing from the equation.... Although do YOU think it is possible for a man and women to LOVE being around each other, in addition to being physically attracted to one another, and to NOT want to be together on a deaper level? For me, I need the physical attraction, a suitable personality, and the chemistry is important too.... I barly have any experience with sex or relationships, but I DO know that I have to have a.. "feeling" about the person, for me to want to have sexual relations with them. Although I know you do not hook up. However, I would need that " feeling" about a man, which people refer to as chemistry, to want anything other than friendship; and I am not sure if physical attraction, and a compatible personality are enough to = sexual desire and a desire for a deaper relationship.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 TA: Would it bother you if C had a friend like the one I described? One he said he was once sexually attracted to, but claims to not be anymore? That he spends a LOT of time with, and always mentions by name? "Ann and I..." or "Ann says..." And that he doesn't mention or seem to spend much time with male friends? Leigh: Thanks for your comments, but you haven't really addressed my question.
tigressA Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Yeah, it would bother me. I definitely would not appreciate him telling me he had been attracted to her either. That is not **** I want in my head! Thankfully he doesn't do that sort of thing. I had a guy friend (former FWB who I posted about here several times) who has an overabundance of female friends. Turned out that he had hooked up with almost all of them. Since knowing him, I do not trust guys who have many more female friends than male friends. If it's about equal between guys and girls, it's cool. But otherwise...no go.
Leigh 87 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I think the line into weirdness is when there's mention of a physical attraction So what if two attractive people of the opposite sex want to become friends? Sometimes two people can immediately know if they find each other to be attractive. Some people can identify if they think a girl/guy is " hot", at first glance. However, there is the type of attraction that builds once you get to know a person. That is what could get in the way of a male and female friendship. If you feel for them once you get to know them, this is where you have to go no contact until you can overcome your feelings ( or else, pursue a relationship if it is mutual!). On the other hand, perhaps two " hot" people, who both can SEE that the other person is attractive, may not develope feelings? Perhaps the desire to have sex would still be there, minus the feelings? The very hot body builder I had sex with did not get feelings for me, and likewise for me to him, because we simply did not KNOW each other enough to get an emotional tie. It was just chemistry and sexual attraction. Personally, I feel within me, that I would be able to have a male friend who was very good looking, and manage to keep myself off of him. It is the guys who may not be able to do this, though. The guy was not really keen to just be " friends'' with me, that is for sure. Friendship is friendship to me, I just like making people happy and enjoyingt heir company. If they happen to be a very hot man, then I will love looking at them, but I would not get feelings for them based on the fact that I would love to sleep with them. I think feelings can be differentiated from the desire to have sex with some one. I can want to have sex without getting feelings. SO can guys, I think. Sorry this long response annoys you lol, I am just trying to figure this very question out myself! If men and women can be friends, particular in the instances where they find each other VERY attractive and would love to rip each others clothes off. Actually I think I just answered my own question.... If I found a guy to be VERY attractivem and they found ME to be very hot, and we both got along fairly well........ I would definitly have sex with them, as FWB or as a fling. Although I know Star does not do that. Furthermore, some people may not feel like ripping another persons clothes off JUST because they are super hot. In fact, I will clarify, for me to want to rip some ones clothes off, they not only have to be hot, but have the right chemistry and personality. So it is not just about looks, oops. An @sshole would turn me off too much to think of them sexually. So that is what I think.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 Yeah, it would bother me. I definitely would not appreciate him telling me he had been attracted to her either. That is not **** I want in my head! Thankfully he doesn't do that sort of thing. I'm engaged in a debate with a male friend of mine, who doesn't understand why a girl he's interested in/dating is so bent out of shape over his friendship with another female (not me). See, I thought he and I were pretty close, but we only text a few times a week (if that), or IM... and hang out maybe once or twice a month (happy hours on concerts). But he has this other female friend who he met about a year ago, who he spends a TON of time with, to the point it even kinda irks ME... I can't imagine how I'd feel if in a girl he's dating's shoes (and no, I'm not jealous, it just seems weird). I was with him tonight when he was on the phone with this girl, and he kept talking about what he and Ann were doing for Halloween. He talks about Ann as though Ann is the girl he's dating. To me, to this girl, to everyone. He's admitted to the girl he's dating (me too) that he used to be really attracted to this friend, and even "wanted to hit it." I think he still would, IF she were interested. Personally, I think this friendship is inappropriate - that he shouldn't spend so much time with her or talk about her so much... He thinks I'm crazy, and I'm wondering if other guys feel the same way.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 Leigh, you're still not answering my question. Can you please focus on what I'm asking? When does an opposite-sex friendship become weird and inappropriate, particularly in the context of having that friendship while dating people OTHER than your friend?
Leigh 87 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I tried deleting my post - but it would not let me! I knew it was off track, sorry! It becomes weird, when you spend too much time with a male friend, that is reasonably attractive. I would not be comfortable if my partner got along very well with a very attractive female, and they spent a lot of time together. If you are very emotionally involved with a man, then it would cross the line if you were to both become physically attracted to one another, and also started to mention sexual things regarding one another.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 Okay, you almost answered my question. But I guess you're just not getting what I'm asking.
tigressA Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I'm engaged in a debate with a male friend of mine, who doesn't understand why a girl he's interested in/dating is so bent out of shape over his friendship with another female (not me). See, I thought he and I were pretty close, but we only text a few times a week (if that), or IM... and hang out maybe once or twice a month (happy hours on concerts). But he has this other female friend who he met about a year ago, who he spends a TON of time with, to the point it even kinda irks ME... I can't imagine how I'd feel if in a girl he's dating's shoes (and no, I'm not jealous, it just seems weird). I was with him tonight when he was on the phone with this girl, and he kept talking about what he and Ann were doing for Halloween. He talks about Ann as though Ann is the girl he's dating. To me, to this girl, to everyone. He's admitted to the girl he's dating (me too) that he used to be really attracted to this friend, and even "wanted to hit it." I think he still would, IF she were interested. Personally, I think this friendship is inappropriate - that he shouldn't spend so much time with her or talk about her so much... He thinks I'm crazy, and I'm wondering if other guys feel the same way. If people are assuming Ann is the girl he's dating, if it seems like he's putting Ann above the girl he's dating, then yes, that is completely inappropriate. My first boyfriend's ex was his "best friend"--even after she left him for who used to be his best friend! She was pretty messed-up, and still had a hold on him. I was his girlfriend, but there were many times it seemed like she still was. It ticked me off beyond words and after 3 months of that BS, I dumped him. I have found some of my guy friends attractive, but I never told them that, and I certainly never told that to any guy I've dated. There was always something that kept it in the realm of friendship. In the situation you've described, it doesn't seem like there's anything blocking the way besides Ann's seeming disinterested in being anything more than friends. And that could change. Just add alcohol, or some other mind-altering substance...
Leigh 87 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Personally, I think this friendship is inappropriate - that he shouldn't spend so much time with her or talk about her so much... He thinks I'm crazy, and I'm wondering if other guys feel the same way. I am done with this thread cos I have talked to much in it, sorry! I have one last thing to add though; the friendship your friend has with " Ann" is inappropriate... It is not cool to hang out with a girl if you would love to date her, but have settled for friends... and then treat her like a girlfriend, by talking about her so fondly, in addition to spending lots of time with her.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 If people are assuming Ann is the girl he's dating, if it seems like he's putting Ann above the girl he's dating, then yes, that is completely inappropriate. My first boyfriend's ex was his "best friend"--even after she left him for who used to be his best friend! She was pretty messed-up, and still had a hold on him. I was his girlfriend, but there were many times it seemed like she still was. It ticked me off beyond words and after 3 months of that BS, I dumped him. I have found some of my guy friends attractive, but I never told them that, and I certainly never told that to any guy I've dated. There was always something that kept it in the realm of friendship. In the situation you've described, it doesn't seem like there's anything blocking the way besides Ann's seeming disinterested in being anything more than friends. And that could change. Just add alcohol, or some other mind-altering substance... Okay, you totally hear me and see where I'm coming from. Now I just want to see if some guys agree with us. Hmm.
OceanGirl Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 If he was consistently prioritizing Ann over the girl he is dating. In terms of spending time together, amount of communication etc. Who is the first person he calls/texts when something good/bad happens to him? Personally, I think that he is secretly in love with Ann.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 If he was consistently prioritizing Ann over the girl he is dating. In terms of spending time together, amount of communication etc. Who is the first person he calls/texts when something good/bad happens to him? Right now, I think it's Ann... but only because he's not that close with the new girl yet. Personally, I think that he is secretly in love with Ann. Love is a strong word, but I think he definitely has an unrequited crush on her.
welikeincrowds Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Where's the line into weirdness? Here's what I ask: "How would it seem if the friend was a man?" The question seems so obvious that you'd overlook it, but I think it's flawless. If in the imaginary scenario, it seems plausible that he may be gay, then it's going too far. If it reads more like a growing brohood, then it's probably just a gender bias.
welikeincrowds Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Coincidentally I used to know a girl named Ann who would have guys around her, just like this. It's a certain type of girl that is OK with these sorts of relationships. If you really want to find out for sure, meet Ann.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 Here's what I ask: "How would it seem if the friend was a man?" The question seems so obvious that you'd overlook it, but I think it's flawless. If in the imaginary scenario, it seems plausible that he may be gay, then it's going too far. If it reads more like a growing brohood, then it's probably just a gender bias. I really don't understand your hypothetical here.
welikeincrowds Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I really don't understand your hypothetical here. OK: what if it wasn't Ann, but Andrew? Picture them doing all the same things, having the same discussions, and imagine that he's talking about an attractive man in Ann's place. I know it sounds ridiculous and irrelevant at first, but try it.
OceanGirl Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Right now, I think it's Ann... but only because he's not that close with the new girl yet. Love is a strong word, but I think he definitely has an unrequited crush on her. I was going to add it depends on how long they have been dating.. If it;s very early on, then it's normal to prioritize your friends. BUT as the relationship with the new girl progresses, Ann should be slowly phased out and the new girl should become a priority. Having said that, I would be super uncomfortable in dating someone with an unrequited crush on another girl.
tigressA Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 OK: what if it wasn't Ann, but Andrew? Picture them doing all the same things, having the same discussions, and imagine that he's talking about an attractive man in Ann's place. I know it sounds ridiculous and irrelevant at first, but try it. This is an interesting point. It's somewhat relevant to me, actually. C has a friend, who I've met several times and have become friends with myself--another guy. They not only are from the same part of their home country--they work together, they hang out pretty much every day, talk, cook dinner...etc. It's a bromance for sure. It was off-putting at first because I hadn't ever seen two guys like that before, but now I think it's cute. The friend isn't attractive though, at least certainly not compared to C.
Green Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Well I have certain boundaries that I follow and want followed when it comes to opposite sex freindships. 1) NO ALONE TIME 2) NO EA's or anything that appears like one; examples ~ excessive communication (like talking on the phone, txting, or emailing a lot about everything... A good oposite sex friendship is kinda like a vampire, you can use rules to keep you safe like avoiding certain times of days and not inviting it into your home ect... break those rules and u'll get your blood sucked. I'm not willing to put up with a girl who has some guy friend she always talks about or hangs out with ect. Basicly I start getting a bad feeling she better make me feel better by stopping what ever she is doing or she'll find herself DUMPED. I play by the same rules. I don't go out alone with girls or have phone conversations or texting with girls I know.. u know other then basic stuff... but I'm not going to call some girl I know and just talk about music or food or something that would be the start of an EA
Author Star Gazer Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 This is an interesting point. It's somewhat relevant to me, actually. C has a friend, who I've met several times and have become friends with myself--another guy. They not only are from the same part of their home country--they work together, they hang out pretty much every day, talk, cook dinner...etc. It's a bromance for sure. It was off-putting at first because I hadn't ever seen two guys like that before, but now I think it's cute. The difference is, they have so much in common. Their home countries, the way they look at life, the fact they both have penises and prefer women.... Here, Ann and my pal have little in common other than enjoying socializing with one another, and they both like the parts the other's got.
tigressA Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 The difference is, they have so much in common. Their home countries, the way they look at life, the fact they both have penises and prefer women.... Here, Ann and my pal have little in common other than enjoying socializing with one another, and they both like the parts the other's got. Great point, Star.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 OK: what if it wasn't Ann, but Andrew? Picture them doing all the same things, having the same discussions, and imagine that he's talking about an attractive man in Ann's place. I know it sounds ridiculous and irrelevant at first, but try it. That's still comparing apples and oranges, IMO.
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