FreeMe Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 It seems like whenever my boyfriend and I have an argument, it turns into an issue. Here's what happened. My favorite thing about living with my boyfriend is going to bed together at night. We usually do. Once in awhile he'll stay up a little later. Usually when I'm ready to go up I'll ask him if he's ready for bed, or just say I'm going to bed and we both go. A couple of nights ago I wanted to go up a little early to mess around but he didn't get the hint and by the time we went up I was too tired for anything. Well last night I was tired and when he didn't want to come up, I got annoyed. It's partly because he told me when he was married he would dose on the sofa from about 9pm till 2 or 3 in the morning watching tv on and off and then go to bed. Obviously that didn't promote a whole lot of intimacy with his wife, and I don't want us to get into that habit. So last night, I got annoyed and made a comment that he would probably end up staying up and dosing and watching tv all night. He got annoyed at that and it turned into an argument. During the course of it, he then made it sound like I make him go to bed every night before he wants to! Now I feel all tense and like there's something wrong between us. He's a little distant. Last time we had an argument he started thinking about getting his own place! These feelings seem to happen every time we have a stupid argument. I feel like I have to squelch my own needs a lot to avoid arguments. I haven't been in a normal relationship in a long time, if ever. I don't think I know how to have an argument and bounce right back. And he seems to overreact too. Not during the argument, but he will continue to think about it and then come up with solutions - like moving out! I thought it was normal to have arguments and work them out when you live with someone. Any comments, help, insight, experiences, observations would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Stop having arguments and start having discussions to resolve the issues you have. It won't take long for the two of you to talk about your feelings and the issues around the times the two of you go to sleep. Talk until you can compromise. People are certainly entitled to stay up as long as they want. Maybe one or the other could take time to go to the bedroom for some fun and return to the TV or whatever if you or he is still not tired. There's ways of settling this if the two of you talk it out. But to continue having arguments is not rational and may be an indication of the way you react to other difficulties as the relationship progresses...if it does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FreeMe Posted March 4, 2004 Author Share Posted March 4, 2004 Hmmm, I said argument, but now that you mention it, I think it was really more of a discussion. We weren't yelling or getting upset or anything. Just annoyed and frustrated with each other. Really I should have just kept my mouth shut. Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Really I should have just kept my mouth shut. Nah... that just leads to worse problems down the line. Tony is right, dicussions are the more productive route. One thing I learned in *ahem* couples counseling (which we did for 18 months, and I found to be very helpful) was that we have established methods of conflict resolution, arguing, "discussing" - however you want to term it. These patterns assert themselves, the same way every time our emotions are at a certain point - like, say, annoyance or anger. The hardest part was to recognize that while it was happening and change course right then and there.. Maybe you and the bf need to try this. And honestly, this is a pretty low-stakes issue to learn on. Fights are never fun, but this issue you have is - I am guessing - not nearly as heavy as some others you will encounter in lter years of your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FreeMe Posted March 4, 2004 Author Share Posted March 4, 2004 Yeah, you're right Benedict, it's not that big an issue but he lets these things stew and makes them bigger issues. He complained that sometimes he likes to watch Letterman. So? He's never mentioned that. It's not like I coerce him into going to bed at night. And then when I said sometimes I stay up even though I'm tired because I prefer to go to bed at the same time, he sees that as a problem. Huh? why is that a problem. I've gotten used to him being there (after years of single life) and if I go to bed without him I can't always fall asleep. Now today I'm in a bad mood and feeling paranoid and sensitive about everything. Everything was going well, that's why I said I should have kept my mouth shut. Now I feel like I have to intentionally go to bed without him several times just to prove that it doesn't bother me if he stays up. So I have to put my feelings aside so that he doesn't feel like his freedom is threatened. Is that stupid? or is that the way I should deal with this until he forgets about it? Link to post Share on other sites
amazinglywow Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 guys are just so thick headed... my guy never understands anything... just give in, and put your feelings aside so this passes by. you guys have so much to look forward to, but don't make it a habit of yours to put aside your feelings. otherwise you'll get walked all over on. a situation i feel like i'm in. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts