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I cheated on my boyfriend while on holiday. How do I deal with the feelings of guilt?

gabby898

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gabby898 Member

gabby898

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Well, me and my boyfriend had been together for about 10 months when I went on holiday.

We hadn't had sex and we're both virgins. (due to religious reasons)

 

I kinda cheated on him on holiday with a guy...I never had sex with the guy but I did fool around with him a bit and went out with him to a couple of bars.

Also, I tried hash for the first time with that guy too while I was on holiday.

 

I told my bf I tried the hash, and we had a huuuuge argument about that since he is completely against it.

Now, I've come to despise that other guy for a variety of reasons, but basically he wasn't that great of a guy. (He also knew I was in a relationship)

I no longer speak to that guy and don't want to have any contact with him ever again.

 

I'd like to also point out that the only reason I ever did these things with that guy was because 3 years ago, I had meet him and liked him then, but nothing had happened then. Also, I know this is no excuse but I'm 18 and figured that I should just have a bit of "fun" since I'm on holiday and if I don't do stuff like that, when will I? (not trying to excuse myself, just explaining what my thinking was when I did it...)

 

I really really love my boyfriend and don't want to ruin my relationship so there's no way I will tell him what I did on holiday.

I feel extremely bad though, and my question is how do I deal with all this feelings of guilt???

I hate it that when I look into his eyes and I tell him that I love him, I think of how much a horrible gf I am and that I don't deserve him because I'm cheater and a bad person...

Surrealist Established Member

Surrealist

Posted
Posted (edited)

This thread probably belongs in the other forum. Anyway you got your last sentence right there, you really dont deserve him if you are already fooling around on him in 10 months of a relationship.

 

There's several options:

 

1) Confess to him and tell him you're very sorry etc and that you wont do it again (though there is no guarantee it wont happen again in his mind);

 

2) Hide it and live with the guilt as you are doing currently;

 

3) Leave him. Maybe you can hook up again with the other guy you fooled around with or just remain single until such time you can be certain that when you get into an exclusive relationship again, that you wont fool around on the person.

 

I should also mention that your goal of getting rid of the guilt sounds pretty selfish. What about ensuring you never play around again? What about the thought of never hurting your bf again? Think.

Edited by Surrealist
Cracker Jack Established Member

Cracker Jack

Posted
Posted

I think you need to tell him what you did. There's no way the guilt will leave if you keep it a secret. But usually when younger individuals feel an urge to "have fun while they can", it sounds like they'll take a chance at doing it again, if the opportunity presents itself.

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gabby898 Member

gabby898

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I should also mention that your goal of getting rid of the guilt sounds pretty selfish. What about ensuring you never play around again? What about the thought of never hurting your bf again? Think.

 

I would never do it again! I mean, I feel so bad right now, I would feel so much worse if I did it again. I would begin to start questioning myself and my own values... I don't want to hurt my bf ever again because I love him.

I know I won't do it again - my goal is not to get rid of guilt in general, only in this situation.

I have realised that what I've done was very wrong; if I dare do it again, it means I can't be serious at all about the relationship and that he means nothing to me which is not true at all.

Surrealist Established Member

Surrealist

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Posted
I would never do it again! I mean, I feel so bad right now, I would feel so much worse if I did it again. I would begin to start questioning myself and my own values... I don't want to hurt my bf ever again because I love him.

I know I won't do it again - my goal is not to get rid of guilt in general, only in this situation.

I have realised that what I've done was very wrong; if I dare do it again, it means I can't be serious at all about the relationship and that he means nothing to me which is not true at all.

 

Hmmm but you already showed that you can't be too serious about the relationship if you've already gone out and fooled around. Sure you feel lots of remorse for your actions now, but when it has all blown over the opportunity presents itself again, you may well find yourself tempted to play around again. The fact that you did this 10 months into the relationship is a major concern, though really any time in a relationship is a major concern.

Cee Established Member

Cee

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Are you feeling guilt or shame right now? Guilt is when you feel like you did a bad thing whereas shame is where you feel like a bad person. Shame is more painful to experience where you'll feel dirty and bad. The best way to deal with shame is to talk to a trusted person about it. You don't have to tell your boyfriend, but confide in a counselor, mentor, friend or family member.

 

If you aren't feeling shame, but rather guilt, the feeling will pass on it's own in time. Guilt is simply your conscience talking to you.

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gabby898 Member

gabby898

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Hmmm but you already showed that you can't be too serious about the relationship if you've already gone out and fooled around. Sure you feel lots of remorse for your actions now, but when it has all blown over the opportunity presents itself again, you may well find yourself tempted to play around again. The fact that you did this 10 months into the relationship is a major concern, though really any time in a relationship is a major concern.

 

Yeah, I do agree that I might not have felt serious about the relationship at that point... It was actually a point when I was thinking of breaking up because we had a lot of arguments.

And there have been quite a number of times when I consider breaking up with him for other reasons...

But now I know that I don't want to and I feel like I am deeply in love with him and never want to leave him.

 

I really have no idea if I am mature enough to have a "serious relationship", but I do know that I love him and I don't want to hurt him...

youngskywalker Established Member

youngskywalker

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Why even worry about it? Asking a question of morality in this forum is futile as the answer will always be you should just act on your own self interest. Which is what you did! Congratulations. You have been liberated! "do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law".

sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

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I would never do it again! I mean, I feel so bad right now, I would feel so much worse if I did it again. I would begin to start questioning myself and my own values... I don't want to hurt my bf ever again because I love him.

I know I won't do it again - my goal is not to get rid of guilt in general, only in this situation.

I have realised that what I've done was very wrong; if I dare do it again, it means I can't be serious at all about the relationship and that he means nothing to me which is not true at all.

 

Gabby, we learn nothing if we never face the consequences of our actions. All I'm hearing out of you is a want for some way to stop letting your conscious bother you without suffering any consequence. Do you really want to learn to be bothered less by your conscious? Or do you want to learn how to be a better GF in the future even if you only get to do so for someone you haven't betrayed?

 

Had you come on here suffering with guilt without asking for some way to stop feeling so bad while also not having to come clean, I'd worry about your character less. But instead you're on here concerned only with your feelings and what you stand to lose out on by confessing. Yet you say you love him. Okay, so what about what he has lost here and his feelings? By doing this you've stopped being a genuine person and are now selling him on a false image of who you are. Even if you never do it again, you are not being what you are allowing him to think you are. Maybe he will forgive you and the two of you will move forward as genuine people together. Keeping your mouth shut about it is not being true to your self AND keeping him with you under a fraudulent premise.

lso802 Established Member

lso802

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Just tell him. The worse he can do is break up with you. At least, you know not to act on the urge again in your next relationship or if he gives you another chance.

Surrealist Established Member

Surrealist

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Would it be better if you first see a counsellor. Tell him / her the details and ask him / her if you should confess to your partner, and if so, in the presence of the counsellor? Just an option.

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gabby898 Member

gabby898

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Would it be better if you first see a counsellor. Tell him / her the details and ask him / her if you should confess to your partner, and if so, in the presence of the counsellor? Just an option.

 

That would actually be an excellent idea which I have been thinking as well... I might need some sort of therapy too... thanks btw :)

youngskywalker Established Member

youngskywalker

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I think of how much a horrible gf I am and that I don't deserve him because I'm cheater and a bad person...

 

Well IMHO you are a horrible g/f. You most likely don't deserve him and yes you are a cheater. This guy deserves better than you. I suggest you confess and move on. The next relationship you have think of other people besides yourself.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

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Well, me and my boyfriend had been together for about 10 months when I went on holiday.

We hadn't had sex and we're both virgins. (due to religious reasons)

 

If your already cheating on him... I'm going to guess that your not that serious about your religion.

 

I'd like to also point out that the only reason I ever did these things with that guy was because 3 years ago, I had meet him and liked him then, but nothing had happened then. Also, I know this is no excuse but I'm 18 and figured that I should just have a bit of "fun" since I'm on holiday and if I don't do stuff like that, when will I? (not trying to excuse myself, just explaining what my thinking was when I did it...)

 

You just did try to excuse yourself.

 

Seriously... your just trying to avoid any consequences from this. You feel guilty because you betrayed someone's trust. It's a really bad thing to do. Now you just want to forget about it... which shows no personal growth.

 

I suggest you be honest, face the consequences and be a better person as a result.

 

I really really love my boyfriend and don't want to ruin my relationship so there's no way I will tell him what I did on holiday.

I feel extremely bad though, and my question is how do I deal with all this feelings of guilt???

I hate it that when I look into his eyes and I tell him that I love him, I think of how much a horrible gf I am and that I don't deserve him because I'm cheater and a bad person...

 

Before you cheated you wanted to dump the guy. What changed? Is it just the guilt... because that will fade in time. So are you only going to feel like you love him in between cheating on him?

 

If your feelings of love are just based on guilt... what do you really have? Not love.

refurb Established Member

refurb

Posted
Posted

The only reason you want to confess to your bf is that you want to make YOURSELF feel better. What you need to do is figure out what you want. Honestly, it seems like you want to go out and experience life (the good and bad). This doesn't seem that compatible with having a bf. Don't tell him, break up with him, have your fun and hope that he's there when you're done (he probably won't be). RF

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gabby898 Member

gabby898

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If your already cheating on him... I'm going to guess that your not that serious about your religion.

 

 

I have no religion and am an atheist...it's his religion.

 

which shows no personal growth.

 

yeah you're right there. I never claimed to be "grown up" anyway... I'm only 18 and I'm guessing not mature enough for that yet.

 

Before you cheated you wanted to dump the guy. What changed? Is it just the guilt... because that will fade in time. So are you only going to feel like you love him in between cheating on him?

 

If your feelings of love are just based on guilt... what do you really have? Not love.

 

It's not really the feeling of guilt because I had actually forgotten about this for quite a while. This happened about 2 months ago, but it keeps coming back to me...

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

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I have no religion and am an atheist...it's his religion.

yeah you're right there. I never claimed to be "grown up" anyway... I'm only 18 and I'm guessing not mature enough for that yet.

It's not really the feeling of guilt because I had actually forgotten about this for quite a while. This happened about 2 months ago, but it keeps coming back to me...

 

Gabby,

 

I don't want you to feel like a bad person that this happened. Seriously I think you did this on purpose because deep down you know that your either not ready for this or the relationship isn't right for you.

 

I got married at 20.. to someone I started dating at 18... at 23 I divorced her. It made my life suck for several years.

 

One thing I can tell you for certain. Make sure that your world-views match up. If this guy is really religious... that might not match up well with you in the longrun.

ascendotum Established Member

ascendotum

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I can’t give you any great advice on absolving the guilt as I have not cheated. I think you should post this on the other LS forum and you might get better suggestions than in this forum. Putting myself in your BFs place, I would be gutted to know my GF who I am still holding out on having sex with has fooled around with another guy. (Does 'fooled around' include oral sex). I think you should be reluctant to tell him...if it means you have to clear your conscience, well you can always blame it on the hash. For me though it didn’t cut it, when a GF cheated on me and then tried to blame it on being drunk and stoned.

 

I reckon a lot of cheating takes place on holidays when a person is a different frame of mind, meeting new interesting people and the other partner is out of sight out mind. As you say you’re young and want to have a bit of fun, like millions of other young people before you settle down. Perfectly understandable, but you should break up with your current BF if you feel you need to live life more first. Look you didn't have sex with this guy, so when it comes to dealing with feelings of guilt, classify that as not cheating, but learn from this and consider what sort of behavior would upset you (flirting, going out to a club to chat up, touching, staying over at her place, etc) if he engaged in with other girls while you are away.

gypsy_nicky Established Member

gypsy_nicky

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you live and learn.

 

You should be more concerned if you did this without the slightest bit of guilt afterward.

 

Now that you know that this sort of behavior causes personal distress, would you ever want to attempt it again.

 

Admitting and owning up to it is totally different.

SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

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I really really love my boyfriend and don't want to ruin my relationship so there's no way I will tell him what I did on holiday.

 

 

 

This is the absolutely correct stance, unLESS there is any chance your boyfriend could find out from some other source.

 

 

DO NOT let yourself be swayed by foolish advice, or guilt, into revealing the truth to your boyfriend.

 

 

(wish I had some good advice about how to process the guilt, but if you still value your relationship, sucking it up and keeping silent near your boyfriend is a greater priority)

sanskrit Established Member

sanskrit

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Reconsider trying to have exclusive relationships at your age. At 18, you should be enjoying life, learning and working on yourself instead of being in relationships.

  • 1 month later...
Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

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I really really love my boyfriend and don't want to ruin my relationship so there's no way I will tell him what I did on holiday.

 

then the relationship is already ruined one, by your cheating, and two, by the obvious disrespect that you will continue this lie of ommission.

 

man, I feel bad for him. he won't ever know.

 

 

I feel extremely bad though, and my question is how do I deal with all this feelings of guilt???

 

 

oh, I think you will be just fine in time. It will pass for you I'm sure. Especially since the alternative is to give your bf the respect he deserves and not rob him of an informed decision on how to live his life and really know the character of the person he committed himself to.

 

 

I hate it that when I look into his eyes and I tell him that I love him, I think of how much a horrible gf I am and that I don't deserve him because I'm cheater and a bad person...

 

well, if he is a terrific guy, then quite honestly he does deserve someone that won't cheat....don't you think?

daphne Established Member

daphne

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Gabby,

 

You're young. you made a mistake. I'm not letting you off the hook because you would be crushed if he had done that to you.

 

However, if you truly mean that you won't do it again you need to keep it to yourself. Don't do it again. If you feel you need to see what's out there then I would tell him what happen and let him break up with you.

 

You do seem remorseful. Just think how you would feel if he were in your shoes. It sucks.

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