newpriorities Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Anyone else here find themselves ridiculously addicted to their phones waiting for some form of communication w their lover while they are apart? I just left my mm (we work together) for the weekend and as I ran into a store, I realized I'd left my blackberry in the car--horrors!! What if he texted me?? Of course he can only text the first hour after we leave work because then he is home. Oh, and if his W is on the train home w/him, I receive a pre-emptive message from him, "DON'T TEXT" Don't you love it? Then, on the weekends, it would be a different ringtone because, of course I have set up a special ringtone just for emails from him! And sometimes, I would wake up during the night and look for my phone just to see if, by chance, he had sent me a message and the mood of my day would depend entirely on the answer to that question! I find it very cathartic to write here because the hideous nature of our A is so clear in the black and white words. Ah, but supposedly we are the loves of each others' lives! Can you tell, I think I'm finally gathering the strength to end this thing--it's only taken me 3 years!
BB07 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Ah, but supposedly we are the loves of each others' lives! Living like that is not a good demonstration of love is it? Can you tell, I think I'm finally gathering the strength to end this thing--it's only taken me 3 years! Yay! You deserve better than what you are getting.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Blackberry: You weren't meant to be on 'hold'.
steelknife Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Anyone else here find themselves ridiculously addicted to their phones waiting for some form of communication w their lover while they are apart? I just left my mm (we work together) for the weekend and as I ran into a store, I realized I'd left my blackberry in the car--horrors!! What if he texted me?? Of course he can only text the first hour after we leave work because then he is home. Oh, and if his W is on the train home w/him, I receive a pre-emptive message from him, "DON'T TEXT" Don't you love it? Then, on the weekends, it would be a different ringtone because, of course I have set up a special ringtone just for emails from him! And sometimes, I would wake up during the night and look for my phone just to see if, by chance, he had sent me a message and the mood of my day would depend entirely on the answer to that question! I find it very cathartic to write here because the hideous nature of our A is so clear in the black and white words. Ah, but supposedly we are the loves of each others' lives! Can you tell, I think I'm finally gathering the strength to end this thing--it's only taken me 3 years! this is my exact life you are talking about. but mine ended with dday. how.. sad.
joey66 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I have no idea what you are talking about. I do not have a Blackber ... wait, I need to go check my email. What was I saying?
BB07 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 this is my exact life you are talking about. but mine ended with dday. how.. sad. You should be glad that it ended steelknife and you will be eventually...... besides, what kind of life is that? Always waiting.....someone telling you that you can't do this, you can't do that, don't call me, don't text me. It's crumbs....and it sucks and it's not any way to live is it? What's the payoff.......that it just might work out, well it's not likely, that is the reality.
spice4life Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Anyone else here find themselves ridiculously addicted to their phones waiting for some form of communication w their lover while they are apart? I just left my mm (we work together) for the weekend and as I ran into a store, I realized I'd left my blackberry in the car--horrors!! What if he texted me?? Of course he can only text the first hour after we leave work because then he is home. Oh, and if his W is on the train home w/him, I receive a pre-emptive message from him, "DON'T TEXT" Don't you love it? Then, on the weekends, it would be a different ringtone because, of course I have set up a special ringtone just for emails from him! And sometimes, I would wake up during the night and look for my phone just to see if, by chance, he had sent me a message and the mood of my day would depend entirely on the answer to that question! I find it very cathartic to write here because the hideous nature of our A is so clear in the black and white words. Ah, but supposedly we are the loves of each others' lives! Can you tell, I think I'm finally gathering the strength to end this thing--it's only taken me 3 years! Good topic! Yeah I remeber those days when I was in the A. I remember the first time he was open about going skiing wth his W and some other couples. Before that point he only taled about his kids and never the W. it kinda through me for loop and then I got the "don't text me I will text you" and it was like "bonk" on my head. Ouch! I said "got it" no worries! When he did text me on the trip I said "you got some makin up to do after that one buddy boy. :)" Boy oh boy, the stuff we put up with.
Author newpriorities Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 Joey66--you forgot about checking your facebook--oh wait, that's too public. Steelknife--I hate to say this, but I wish I had a d-day (EXCEPT for the BW getting hurt part) because it would force the issue. How passive/aggressive am I acting? Hang in there--the stories from those who have survived this institution called an A are an inspiration. I am starting to have the belief I can walk away and regain my dignity and self-respect. Crumbs--couldnt have said it better myself! Btw, I'm typing this on my blackberry, battery is about to die and I don't care!!! I'm feeling freer already! No panic about having my charger and finding an outlet while I'm at my daughter's school event! Again--what a way to live, I am truly starting to see humor here!
hopesndreams Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Anyone else here find themselves ridiculously addicted to their phones waiting for some form of communication w their lover while they are apart? I just left my mm (we work together) for the weekend and as I ran into a store, I realized I'd left my blackberry in the car--horrors!! What if he texted me?? Of course he can only text the first hour after we leave work because then he is home. Oh, and if his W is on the train home w/him, I receive a pre-emptive message from him, "DON'T TEXT" Don't you love it? Then, on the weekends, it would be a different ringtone because, of course I have set up a special ringtone just for emails from him! And sometimes, I would wake up during the night and look for my phone just to see if, by chance, he had sent me a message and the mood of my day would depend entirely on the answer to that question! I find it very cathartic to write here because the hideous nature of our A is so clear in the black and white words. Ah, but supposedly we are the loves of each others' lives! Can you tell, I think I'm finally gathering the strength to end this thing--it's only taken me 3 years! How sweet and adorable. My exH did the same thing to me with his MOW. They are happily together now (so i guess) with each other raising her 4 year old son (he's 42). Love is so blissful when especially when there is someone else in the picture that has NO CLUE!! Oh..you are ending it after 3 years? Why? Isn't part of the charm-- the screwing up of other's lives up? Is this a tongue in cheek thread?
spice4life Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Yikes! Sorry for all of the typos. I'm one my new Blackberry...lol.
SoMovinOn Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Not waiting by the phone, but I do end up waiting in my car on occasions, because she *thinks* she can slip away for a moment. She usually does, but now and then, I get a call, text or email saying "Sorry, it's not going to work right now." ... which is fine. I understand that. Better safe than sorry. More often, I think we might get an hour together and it turns into less - 30 minutes, 15 minutes... I have never spent more than 90 minutes with her. I'd love to have a couple of hours, an afternoon, an evening, all night, a weekend... nothing like that yet. Every time we've had a chance, something came up with me or her that it couldn't happen.
fooled once Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Joey66--you forgot about checking your facebook--oh wait, that's too public. Steelknife--I hate to say this, but I wish I had a d-day (EXCEPT for the BW getting hurt part) because it would force the issue. How passive/aggressive am I acting? Hang in there--the stories from those who have survived this institution called an A are an inspiration. I am starting to have the belief I can walk away and regain my dignity and self-respect. Crumbs--couldnt have said it better myself! Btw, I'm typing this on my blackberry, battery is about to die and I don't care!!! I'm feeling freer already! No panic about having my charger and finding an outlet while I'm at my daughter's school event! Again--what a way to live, I am truly starting to see humor here! Sounds like a very sad life I have to ask though - WHY do you need a d-day to 'force' the issue? It has been 3 years...if he was going to change things, he would have. If you were the loves of each others lives, you would be together (IMHO). And I find it incredibly pathetic that this guy supposedly loves you so much, yet he cannot communicate with you on the weekends. How do you handle such disrespect and get over the feelings of being used and then set aside while he goes on with HIS LIFE with HIS WIFE and family? WHY do you keep allowing this to happen to you? Take charge - tell him to sh*t or get off the pot. How many more years are you going to live your life this way?? Good luck.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I'm proud of you for having the courage to get out, or being fed up enough to get out, or whatever it takes for you to extract yourself from the situation. It is so devaluing and you are so marginalized when you live being treated like that. After 3 years, I'm sure it won't be an easy change for you. But better 3 years, than 10. There will be bad days with the good. Just keep posting and venting and crying and celebrating here. You will have lots of support, and lots of advice from lots of people who know what it's like. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
pureinheart Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I have no idea what you are talking about. I do not have a Blackber ... wait, I need to go check my email. What was I saying? Joey....your too much:lmao::lmao::lmao:!!!!!!!!! How you been BTW?????? OP....(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) I want for you whatever you want for you!
Author newpriorities Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 Sounds like a very sad life I have to ask though - WHY do you need a d-day to 'force' the issue? It has been 3 years...if he was going to change things, he would have. We didn't start out this way....same story I have read elsewhere...friends, then A, and we fell in love (at least we thought so, but clearly this isn't really love). So why have I stayed? Because he makes me laugh like no other, we share work that we love and the physical relationship is nearly addictive. If you were the loves of each others lives, you would be together (IMHO). Perhaps, but there is a young child involved on his end. But then again, here I go rationalizing again? And I find it incredibly pathetic that this guy supposedly loves you so much, yet he cannot communicate with you on the weekends. How do you handle such disrespect and get over the feelings of being used and then set aside while he goes on with HIS LIFE with HIS WIFE and family? WHY do you keep allowing this to happen to you? You hit the nail on the head with this one! This is the question I have been asking myself for quite awhile now and for the life of me, I can't seem to find the answer? I am such a take charge kind of person in EVERY other aspect of my life. Never have I behaved like this! Wish I could find the answer, but I think I'm getting closer! Take charge - tell him to sh*t or get off the pot. How many more years are you going to live your life this way?? None! I'm almost ready to set a date to tell him, I'm done. I'm not going to issue an ultimatum. I am not, nor do I want to be responsible for whatever he decides to do. I just need to move on with MY life. Thanks so much for you post--it really helps! It has been wonderful to know that others have gone through this
Author newpriorities Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 I'm proud of you for having the courage to get out, or being fed up enough to get out, or whatever it takes for you to extract yourself from the situation. It is so devaluing and you are so marginalized when you live being treated like that. After 3 years, I'm sure it won't be an easy change for you. But better 3 years, than 10. There will be bad days with the good. Just keep posting and venting and crying and celebrating here. You will have lots of support, and lots of advice from lots of people who know what it's like. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) Fields of Gold--thank you! I am going to need this support. Is it really here? Can you all really help me do this?
BB07 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Fields of Gold--thank you! I am going to need this support. Is it really here? Can you all really help me do this? FOG is a angel...........and yes it's here. I think that in any situation the pain has to outweigh the pleasure before we KNOW that something has to give and you sound like you are very close. When you get to that point........let us know. Hugs......
fooled once Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Sounds like a very sad life I have to ask though - WHY do you need a d-day to 'force' the issue? It has been 3 years...if he was going to change things, he would have. We didn't start out this way....same story I have read elsewhere...friends, then A, and we fell in love (at least we thought so, but clearly this isn't really love). So why have I stayed? Because he makes me laugh like no other, we share work that we love and the physical relationship is nearly addictive. If you were the loves of each others lives, you would be together (IMHO). Perhaps, but there is a young child involved on his end. But then again, here I go rationalizing again? And I find it incredibly pathetic that this guy supposedly loves you so much, yet he cannot communicate with you on the weekends. How do you handle such disrespect and get over the feelings of being used and then set aside while he goes on with HIS LIFE with HIS WIFE and family? WHY do you keep allowing this to happen to you? You hit the nail on the head with this one! This is the question I have been asking myself for quite awhile now and for the life of me, I can't seem to find the answer? I am such a take charge kind of person in EVERY other aspect of my life. Never have I behaved like this! Wish I could find the answer, but I think I'm getting closer! Take charge - tell him to sh*t or get off the pot. How many more years are you going to live your life this way?? None! I'm almost ready to set a date to tell him, I'm done. I'm not going to issue an ultimatum. I am not, nor do I want to be responsible for whatever he decides to do. I just need to move on with MY life. Thanks so much for you post--it really helps! It has been wonderful to know that others have gone through this GOOD - know why? Cause YOU deserve better! You deserve to be able to shout to the world that you are in love and you deserve to be able to be proud of the person you love and spend as much time with the person you love. YOU should be respected and that person who loves you should want to shout out his love for you .... not keep you hidden on the side. I hope you can break free from his hold (and you do have the power to change this). Good luck to you!
steelknife Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Not waiting by the phone, but I do end up waiting in my car on occasions, because she *thinks* she can slip away for a moment. She usually does, but now and then, I get a call, text or email saying "Sorry, it's not going to work right now." ... which is fine. I understand that. Better safe than sorry. More often, I think we might get an hour together and it turns into less - 30 minutes, 15 minutes... I have never spent more than 90 minutes with her. I'd love to have a couple of hours, an afternoon, an evening, all night, a weekend... nothing like that yet. Every time we've had a chance, something came up with me or her that it couldn't happen. yeah done this. ive wished for more time togehter, always dreaming. always hoping. have you ever felt what it feels like to finally have half of the day to be togehter, only to have it cut short? and to walk together on a busy street in another suburb with him 3 steps behind you for fear of everything? or when youre finally walking togehter, he keeps looking around as if he is with a fugitive? that did a lot to my self esteem. but anyway, OP be strong. i know it is not easy, but never is, i tried so hard. we both did. but nothing kept us apart. until dday. and everything shattered. it is best to leave this with dignity. and not whats left of it after the aftermath of the dday.
SoMovinOn Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 (edited) If you were the loves of each others lives, you would be together (IMHO). If reality were created by Disney, perhaps. The truth is, love isn't enough. Reality sometimes doesn't allow for that, or makes it very difficult. ... and to walk together on a busy street in another suburb with him 3 steps behind you for fear of everything? or when youre finally walking togehter, he keeps looking around as if he is with a fugitive?... Yes. This part does get frustrating at times. She and her H seem to know way too many people. There is nowhere we can go where she doesn't fear someone she knows seeing her with me. Even when I suggest somewhere where no one would see us together, she fears someone seeing her as she drives to or from there - being in the wrong place at the wrong time. When she complains that she wishes it were easier, I tell her we can choose to make it so any time we like - by both becoming single. But, realistically, that isn't that simple either. Edited October 30, 2010 by SoMovinOn
jennie-jennie Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Anyone else here find themselves ridiculously addicted to their phones waiting for some form of communication w their lover while they are apart? I just left my mm (we work together) for the weekend and as I ran into a store, I realized I'd left my blackberry in the car--horrors!! What if he texted me?? Of course he can only text the first hour after we leave work because then he is home. Oh, and if his W is on the train home w/him, I receive a pre-emptive message from him, "DON'T TEXT" Don't you love it? Then, on the weekends, it would be a different ringtone because, of course I have set up a special ringtone just for emails from him! And sometimes, I would wake up during the night and look for my phone just to see if, by chance, he had sent me a message and the mood of my day would depend entirely on the answer to that question! I find it very cathartic to write here because the hideous nature of our A is so clear in the black and white words. Ah, but supposedly we are the loves of each others' lives! Can you tell, I think I'm finally gathering the strength to end this thing--it's only taken me 3 years! This is so distant from my reality being the OW, so I thought it was a fake post at first.
Author newpriorities Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 Steelknife: it's so humiliating isn't it? I remember him asking me (ever so nicely of course to duck down in the car when he was driving, "just in case" really? So, I just deleted ALL of the texts and emails I have saved from him over the past three years! I have gathered more strength from this forum in the past two days than I have been able to muster before! Thank you. See, not only was I having an A, but even within that unhealthy context, it was not a healthy R. Except for the sex and the humor--he really treated me like a POC! "Wow, look at that stomach? Have you gained weight?" I could go on and on..now all that remains is THE convo. I don't think he will be able to fit me in next week, but the week after for sure (we have a day off)! I feel lighter already!
Fieldsofgold Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Steelknife: it's so humiliating isn't it? I remember him asking me (ever so nicely of course to duck down in the car when he was driving, "just in case" really? So, I just deleted ALL of the texts and emails I have saved from him over the past three years! I have gathered more strength from this forum in the past two days than I have been able to muster before! Thank you. See, not only was I having an A, but even within that unhealthy context, it was not a healthy R. Except for the sex and the humor--he really treated me like a POC! "Wow, look at that stomach? Have you gained weight?" I could go on and on..now all that remains is THE convo. I don't think he will be able to fit me in next week, but the week after for sure (we have a day off)! I feel lighter already! oh, honey, I'm so sorry. You are a fabulous woman, you have a lot going for you, you should never put up with being put down like that. Sometimes I think that men treat us that way to "keep us in our place." Maybe they think if they make us feel bad about ourselves, maybe a little insecure, we are less likely to leave them. Boy, is this guy gonna be in for a shock when you drop the bomb! LOL! You are sooooo worthy of better than that!
Fieldsofgold Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Wait! You just deleted all the texts and emails from three years????? That is HUGE!!!!!!!! Wooooo-Hooooo! You SOOOOOOO rock, girl! :bunny: He on the way out, an he don't even know it!!! You know, it was bad enough that he couldn't give you a full-time R, without him dissing you, too. You are gonna feel like a new woman. Don't get me wrong, there will likely be times when you will hurt, when you will feel lonely, when you will miss him. A three year habit isn't likely to just vanish without any after-effects. But when you feel bad, you come here and post. You'll get through it. And on the other side, you will be SO glad.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Wait! You just deleted all the texts and emails from three years????? That is HUGE!!!!!!!! Wooooo-Hooooo! You SOOOOOOO rock, girl! :bunny: He on the way out, an he don't even know it!!! You know, it was bad enough that he couldn't give you a full-time R, without him dissing you, too. You are gonna feel like a new woman. Don't get me wrong, there will likely be times when you will hurt, when you will feel lonely, when you will miss him. A three year habit isn't likely to just vanish without any after-effects. But when you feel bad, you come here and post. You'll get through it. And on the other side, you will be SO glad.
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