wierdmunky Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 What kind of guy does this? This really good friend of mine has a "thing" for me, but I don't like the fact of having to let go of a friendship, so we do still talk and go out ONCE in a blue moon. I just wonder what he is thinking. He's a good candidate to date, and others see him as attractive. I don't, I can't, and I've tried to see him in a different light, but nothing seems to happen. So, what kind of guy is he? As in why does he think that after our numerous talks and explanations that he thinks he will just wait and hope that after x amount of time I will fall. He told me this, and I found him even more unattractive. I was just wondering because maybe this will also help me and my own long term crushes : ) I've never told any of my crushes of any hidden feelings after that long because I think it puts weird tension on the friendship, like I'm taking advantage of the time together for some secret gratification. I don't like that. Maybe that's what I subconsciously think of him, and it computes as creepy. Something about him is off-putting, and I can't place my finger on it. He is 'normal' in every other sense - lives with 3 roomies, has a dog, good relationship with his mom/fam, nice car, lightly showers me with gifts for occasions, has good guy/girl friend ratio : p he's just generally very nice. Few things that turn me off about him.. 1. Complains about the nice guy thing 2. Seems to be more reactive then proactive 3. Says he's shy Number 2 would more than bother me in a relationship. In fact that would just give our friendship more POW. He says he "knows he has no chance" - again ew - but still puts it out there. How also do I turn this guy off because if he buys me one more thing then I really have no idea what to do.
Green Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Well for 1) he is kind of a loser to befriend a girl and hope he will eventualy where her down into a romance. Men need to romanticly persue women they want not use friendship as this magical rejection free way to get a girl... (it rarely works) 2) This isn't your friend. The friendship never was and never will be unless your definition of having a friend includes some one who wants more then friendship. He always will want more. Pretty much any guy who showers you with gifts and likes spending alone time with you wants more... even if they are to afraid to man up and make moves.
Author wierdmunky Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 Corrected thread title should be: "A girl who is still teasing a guy after a year." See this was what I was afraid of. We're friends. We don't even hug. Even after tons on conversations with him with it all. He'll say "I just like to take care of my friends." Should I just let him go?
slownumbers81 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 (edited) It's hard to remain friends with someone you have feelings for. If you continue to be friends with them then it's much harder to get over (hence what your friend is going through, and what you've gone through with others.) than it would be if you were no longer friends. The best thing for anyone to move on in that situation is probably break contact for awhile until they are over it or meet someone else. Anyway, it sounds like you both may have commitment issues, hence chasing after unavailable people. (interesting info about it here: http://www.abandonment.net/abando.frame.html) Edited October 30, 2010 by slownumbers81
paleblue Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 he sounds kinda thick. like concrete. you have told him numerous times, no. more importantly you dont give him hugs, or lead him on in any way. maybe it will sink in when you get a bf. but for now i would prob just stop hanging with him.
Author wierdmunky Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 It's hard to remain friends with someone you have feelings for. If you continue to be friends with them then it's much harder to get over (hence what your friend is going through, and what you've gone through with others.) than it would be if you were no longer friends. The best thing for anyone to move on in that situation is probably break contact for awhile until they are over it or meet someone else. Anyway, it sounds like you both may have commitment issues, hence chasing after unavailable people. (interesting info about it here: http://www.abandonment.net/abando.frame.html) That is an interesting article. I can't help but be on the defensive side a little bit though. I can relate to some of it like looking for highly combustible love, and wanting intense chemistry. I know when to stop if someone isn't available though, and I have been in relationships where the other person has pursued me. I'm getting that I should date him or let him go.
D-Lish Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I had to let a friendship like this go WM. I was friends with a guy that just wouldn't stop pushing me to date. I was up front that I didn't want to date, and he couldn't let it go. He even started dating a really nice girl, so I thought we could remain friends... He tried to sabotage any sort of connection I made with other guys- and he became stalkerish near the end. I realized that no matter how many times I told him that I didn't want to be in a romantic relationship with him- he wasn't going to listen. I had to cut him out of my life because I realized that remaining friends with him was just going to lead him on further. I cut him out of my life a couple of years ago after I found out he'd been telling anyone and everyone that would listen that "we had a thing"... I don't think you can remain friends with this guy- doing so is just an invitation for him to keep on pursuing you.
somedude81 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Looks like a complicated situation. I know exactly how the guy feels, heck I'm pretty much going through the same exact thing. If you are single, he's going to have a hard time understanding why you won't date him. The best way to make him lose interest is to be dating somebody else. Your other choices are to date him or cut him from your life. He seems like he's going to stick around unless you do something. I do have an off-the-wall suggestion. I've read many stories on this site on how friends started dating, where at first the girl wasn't into the guy at all and then suddenly changed. What was that cause? A drunken kiss. A little passion can completely change how you see somebody.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 What kind of guy does this? This really good friend of mine has a "thing" for me, but I don't like the fact of having to let go of a friendship, so we do still talk and go out ONCE in a blue moon. I just wonder what he is thinking. He's a good candidate to date, and others see him as attractive. I don't, I can't, and I've tried to see him in a different light, but nothing seems to happen. So, what kind of guy is he? As in why does he think that after our numerous talks and explanations that he thinks he will just wait and hope that after x amount of time I will fall. He told me this, and I found him even more unattractive. I was just wondering because maybe this will also help me and my own long term crushes : ) I've never told any of my crushes of any hidden feelings after that long because I think it puts weird tension on the friendship, like I'm taking advantage of the time together for some secret gratification. I don't like that. Maybe that's what I subconsciously think of him, and it computes as creepy. Something about him is off-putting, and I can't place my finger on it. He is 'normal' in every other sense - lives with 3 roomies, has a dog, good relationship with his mom/fam, nice car, lightly showers me with gifts for occasions, has good guy/girl friend ratio : p he's just generally very nice. Few things that turn me off about him.. 1. Complains about the nice guy thing 2. Seems to be more reactive then proactive 3. Says he's shy Number 2 would more than bother me in a relationship. In fact that would just give our friendship more POW. He says he "knows he has no chance" - again ew - but still puts it out there. How also do I turn this guy off because if he buys me one more thing then I really have no idea what to do. Why can't you people understand that the only reason these guys are IN your lives is because they want to date you?? And your "friendships" with your crushes have nothing to do with this example: The only reasons (outside of work, family, and other such 'accidental' structures) why these guys are particularly 'friendly' with you is because they feel they are in line to date you. Any of your 'crushes' who remained seeming close friends with you were always in line, and telling them of any authentic crush you had was the only sensible move back when it mattered.
Green Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Why can't you people understand that the only reason these guys are IN your lives is because they want to date you?? And your "friendships" with your crushes have nothing to do with this example: The only reasons (outside of work, family, and other such 'accidental' structures) why these guys are particularly 'friendly' with you is because they feel they are in line to date you. Any of your 'crushes' who remained seeming close friends with you were always in line, and telling them of any authentic crush you had was the only sensible move back when it mattered. The same way the guy thinks he can just win her over by hoping and wanting something to happen... she thinks she can make him her friend by hoping and wanting... they have the same problem just on oposite sides of the same issue he just hopes and wants to be lovers and she just hopes and wants to be friends only.
Els Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 If you are single, he's going to have a hard time understanding why you won't date him. The best way to make him lose interest is to be dating somebody else. Your other choices are to date him or cut him from your life. He seems like he's going to stick around unless you do something. Sadly I find this to be quite true. I don't really understand how some guys can just hang around forever around someone that blatantly says she is NOT interested... but some can. I once had a stickler that hung around for about 2 years! I repeatedly told him I wasn't interested, tried to help him get other girls, tried to introduce him to other girls, etc. But nooo. I didn't have the heart to tell him '**** off, I never want to see you again', of course - he was a decent friend, I just wasn't interested in him as a partner! I thought my repeated rejections would eventually get him to his senses, but finally the only thing that did it was me having a boyfriend. I do have an off-the-wall suggestion. I've read many stories on this site on how friends started dating, where at first the girl wasn't into the guy at all and then suddenly changed. What was that cause? A drunken kiss. A little passion can completely change how you see somebody. I don't think it's possible if the girl wasn't into the guy at all. Possibly yes, if she had a few repressed feelings about him before.
Els Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Why can't you people understand that the only reason these guys are IN your lives is because they want to date you?? And your "friendships" with your crushes have nothing to do with this example: The only reasons (outside of work, family, and other such 'accidental' structures) why these guys are particularly 'friendly' with you is because they feel they are in line to date you. Any of your 'crushes' who remained seeming close friends with you were always in line, and telling them of any authentic crush you had was the only sensible move back when it mattered. Yeah, sure, blame the girl. What was she supposed to do? She made it clear to him she wasn't interested. If she'd cut him off as a friend as well, I'm sure he'd be posting in a forum like this, "This cold hearted bitch; I told her I was interested in her, and not only did she reject me, she blocked me off everything and is avoiding me like I'm poison!".
americanstreamer Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 he sounds kinda thick. like concrete. you have told him numerous times, no. more importantly you dont give him hugs, or lead him on in any way. maybe it will sink in when you get a bf. but for now i would prob just stop hanging with him. Absolutely! Create some distance and see what happens.
Author wierdmunky Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 hello, and thanks for all the responses they were very helpful/insightful. The reason why I put the options of "dating or letting him go" was because it seemed like the only options presented, to DO something about this situation if indeed I am leading him on, like relieving him of the stress that everyone says guys go through because of this situation. He would just continue liking me with me knowing I'm not going to for him. I was just unaware if he was playing that off, to stay near me, or if he had some other reason. I knew something was up. I did talk to him already so we're not going to be talking until Next year.. I guess the last time before this that we talked, he had finally got the idea clearly so he was kind of like confused to why, but said he wasn't going to argue. When I asked him if he was still interested in me he said ..."well up until last week, it was more clear.., I guess it's a bad habit of mine, I like to try and not give up.." And then I asked how do you just turn it on and off like that?? And here goes... the reason that he WAS hanging around was that he had this plan that around my birthday in January he would ask me out on this super fancy date in NYC to eat since that's what we do is go out and try different kinds of food. I told him around this time last year I was planning to stay single for a year. Since I had been in 2 long term relationships since I was 19. I thought that was realllly sweet of him, and felt that I was crushing this sweetness in him!! Anyways he said that yes, for some people it's good to not talk in things like this since it's easier. He said he does care about me as a person, and just really enjoyed being my friend which is partly how he stuck around. SO, we aren't seeing eachother for the rest of the year, which is kind of sad since we snowboard together.. but oh wells. The situation has cleared and the clouds are gone.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Yeah, sure, blame the girl. What was she supposed to do? She made it clear to him she wasn't interested. If she'd cut him off as a friend as well, I'm sure he'd be posting in a forum like this, "This cold hearted bitch; I told her I was interested in her, and not only did she reject me, she blocked me off everything and is avoiding me like I'm poison!". There is no blame and no variable involved here. It equates to disputing that 2 + 2 is "4". Why not begin with the reality right in front of you when attempting to bring about the eventuality you desire? If you're not aware enough to accept the reality right in front of you then you may as well stop trying to effect some particular eventuality with your otherwise false understandings.
Els Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 There is no blame and no variable involved here. It equates to disputing that 2 + 2 is "4". Why not begin with the reality right in front of you when attempting to bring about the eventuality you desire? If you're not aware enough to accept the reality right in front of you then you may as well stop trying to effect some particular eventuality with your otherwise false understandings. 1. Trying to talk like a mathematical textbook doesn't make you any more correct, or logical. You sound like a kid who thinks stuffing lots of sophisticated concepts and words (which he barely understands) into his essay will make him look smarter and more impressive. Negative. 2. It is extremely presumptuous of you to imagine that what you perceive as 'reality', is indeed reality. Just because you are desperate enough to want to date every single girl you're friends with, doesn't mean that the onus is on the woman to completely block from her life any male who displays interest in her, without even trying to take the friends route.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Just because you are desperate enough to want to date every single girl you're friends with, doesn't mean that the onus is on the woman to completely block from her life any male who displays interest in her, without even trying to take the friends route. It seems you're still having great difficulty understanding the english language: The guy does not want to be merely "friends" with the woman in question. If you and she cannot even understand that much, then you are not playing with a full deck. And the onus is entirely on the woman to do exactly what you suggest if she does not want his repeated romantic overtures. Now how could you be so foolish as to think otherwise?
Els Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Really now? Guy in question can't take 'no' for an answer and insists on hanging around a woman who has rejected him multiple times... and instead of saying he should grow some balls and learn how to accept rejection, it's the woman's fault for not being an icy bitch and blocking him completely out of her life? Do you think that men can't control their raging hormones as well, and thus the onus is on the woman to wear a burka if she doesn't want to get raped? Anyhow, you evidently cannot engage in a mature debate without excessive strawman attacks (3 out of 5 lines of your previous post is a strawman. Seriously?), so I can't really be bothered to go on.
Author wierdmunky Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 Coincidentally, HE has blocked ME out of his life now. We're no longer friends on FB, not that we don't have eachothers numbers or anything. So, it is true that he doesn't want me to be his "friend", which makes about 50% of the things he said to me about this a lie. He is either like the other poster said, really really dense, is lying to himself and me, just hanging on a limb, or taking a good step with no contact. BUT I feel I can't win. I'm either considered mean, leading him on or clueless. If any of those are true then I should have never entertained a friendship with him which would bring me to a sad conclusion about the men/women friendship dynamics. I still don't think that's true, and there might be some uncomfortable situations like this that make going against that grain more difficult, at this point it's none that we can't handle.
dispatch3d Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 ugh the man hating. The guy just doesn't have any other options and is constantly frustrated that every girl he ever liked has never liked him back. Not that unreasonable, is it? It's also probably pretty frustrating for him since you both (likely) have so many things in common, have such an easy time talking to each other, etc. etc. yet for some "odd reason" you don't want to date him. And he is pissed about the nice guy thing because its (a) true (b) he is the sterotypical "nice guy" described by that whole thing © it happens to him over and over again and he can't figure out why. The last time this happened to me and I realized it I immediately stopped being "friends" with the girl. Mind you we were doing exactly what couples would do while not dating.
Author wierdmunky Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 ugh the man hating. The guy just doesn't have any other options and is constantly frustrated that every girl he ever liked has never liked him back. Not that unreasonable, is it? It's also probably pretty frustrating for him since you both (likely) have so many things in common, have such an easy time talking to each other, etc. etc. yet for some "odd reason" you don't want to date him. And he is pissed about the nice guy thing because its (a) true (b) he is the sterotypical "nice guy" described by that whole thing © it happens to him over and over again and he can't figure out why. The last time this happened to me and I realized it I immediately stopped being "friends" with the girl. Mind you we were doing exactly what couples would do while not dating. The one thing different would be the physical aspect. That's the only thing that would make us a "couple" besides a title. The thought of that is not appealing to me. He's not ugly, and people I bring him around say he is a good looking guy, and I'm not attracted to him at all. I don't see how being plutonic is not an option. I followed all the rules, and told him flat out in the beginning I'm not interested in dating people right now. There's no physical contact between us besides hi-fives. Am I missing some part of the relationship that goes inbetween friendship and dating that isn't physical?
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