thatsonlyme Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 It was Friday, August 20th, beautiful day just like today. I woke up next to the person I loved the day seemed to go well. Hours later my world collapsed, everything I had was gone and my life has changed forever. Ever since I've been riding the worst roller coaster in my life. Moments of depression and fear, followed by moments of hope and strength keep repeating in cycles and I just can't find a way to break the pattern. Today I feel like I'm back to square one. I had nightmares involving my ex tonight and waking up didn't bring any relief, the nightmare continues and it's very very real. Sometimes I feel like I'm enjoying this pain because that's the only thing that can make me feel love again. Even pain feels better than numbness, makes you feel alive. Why do I feel like this today? I know the answer. I spent 4 hours with my ex yesterday, we had 2 bottles of red wine and for the first time in years we both opened up to each other completely. That's exactly what I was looking for for last 10 weeks. She's not doing much better then me emotionally, the only difference is that she has somebody in her life and she's in love with him. Due to our very complicated and specific situation, she lied to him about many things, she lied to her mother, and she just can't find way out of it. She knows that she's going to lose him in the end because of her lies. At least she answered all my questions. She understood how I feel and accepted the fact that we can't be friends for the time being because I still have feelings. She cried. Feelings are not mutual, she was very clear on that. It was very emotional experience for both of us. She is very emotional person but very hard on showing her feelings. Last night made me change the way I think about her. I'm not mad at her anymore, I don't hate her anymore, she's just a person following her dreams and I'm just not the part of those dreams anymore. It's devastating but I have to accept it and deal with it. I just feel really bad today. 10 long, lonely weeks, without home, without love, without happiness, without sex. I know it gets better eventually, the question is when? It could be another week, or month, or year, or a decade. Or maybe I'll just die before anything good happens to me. I'll report back here when/if something good happens in a future. Hopefully it will happen soon.
TLCbear Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I feel you, I feel similiar. I have been apart from my ex about 3 weeks and my emotions are constantly back and forth...repeating the same cycle over and over again. Some days you're fine and some you're not. I hope things get better for you with time...just continue to take one day at a time.
Ajax Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Hang in there. My ex broke up with me August 14th. That date will always be burned into my memory. Like you I've been on an emotianal rollercoaster. It's miserable. I think you're only hurting yourself by seeing her though.
tobydog Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I feel this pain too, for me it was 14th Sept so I suppose it's about 7 weeks now. But today I woke up and didn't have that churning sick feeling for the first time. I even ate a bit. I know time is a great healer but I wish it would get a blooming move on.... Take care Debbie x
Author thatsonlyme Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 Time is a healer or so they say, but I feel like I'm stuck in this moment forever! Everything is happening so slow for me and I just can't seem to find my happiness! On top of that, I'm a relationship person, I'm not into random hook ups and one night stands. It seems like nobody is interested in a serious relationship now days! My ex and I were one of those couples who were together forever, while everybody else was hooking up and breaking up. I honestly don't know a single person who's in a serious, long term relationship. What are my prospects? I find it hard to meet girls in first place, so how can I expect to find THE ONE any time soon? Jeez I hate my negativity but I'm just being objective.
Username37 Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Time is a healer. My ex dumped me on the 16th of May and it was gonna be a special day. It started out normal and **** just got crazier as the day went on. It's now October 30th and I'm not a mess like I was in May. Over it? Not really, but I feel like I'm getting there. It's a rollercoaster, a really ****ty one. But take like step by step everyday and I promise you, you'll be fine. I too am a relationship person too. I don't want any superficial crap. Luck to ya!
punchbuggy Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 so sorry! I broke up July 20th. Found out a week later I was cheated on. Did the same thing, tried to be friends, and it became this WHIRLWIND of honesty. I don't think we shared as much. Then he told me he would be away for a few daywas with family, but he lied and I found out he is now seeing the person he cheated me on with, which btw was a friend I let stay at my apartment and thats how they met. Now, I don't know what to do either, but take it from the others, I wish I tried NC. Now I know so much more, that it makes the cycles of hope and despair come all the time, whenever I'm at a high there is another tidbit of info that I heard or saw because we are still communicating that brings me down! Take care of yourself first!
skydiveaddict Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I think you're only hurting yourself by seeing her though. That's a fact
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