Whipple Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 It's been 7 months since the breakup but it still feels like someone has cut off my arm and a piece of me is missing. I have friends, family, a rewarding job, but it's not nearly the same. He would always enjoy listening to my stories from work when I came home, so now whenever something interesting happens at work, which is a pretty much a daily occurrence, I become sad because I don't have anyone special to share this with. Sometimes I have imaginary conversations in my head of what I would say to him and how I think he would respond. It's sad really. He would enjoy the cooler weather and now that the temperatures are dropping where I live, it just reminds me of him and my heart continues to break. I vacillate between missing him as a person as how he was when I fell in love with him and being in a relationship. When we broke up, he was not the same person that I fell in love with years ago. I came across some pictures of the other day of us at the beginning of the relationship. We looked so happy. But in more recent pictures, he looks like a completely different person. You can just see it in his face and eyes. Maybe it's not him that I miss, maybe it's just being loved that I miss. People tell me that I should be thankful for what I have, but it's impossible. In all honesty, I'd rather have mediocre friends and mediocre job and mediocre hobbies and mediocre physical health as long as I had someone that truly loved me. There's no point in having anything noteworthy if I can't share it. He took me for granted and strung me along in the end because he wanted to try things out with another girl, but now he wants me back. Deep down I know I shouldn't get back with him because he hasn't changed although he says he has and he really hurt me a lot. Everyone would be disappointed in me, but it's sooo tempting just so I won't be alone. Time to lay in bed all day
Gt.ooh Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 It hurts more than people can describe. How long were you together? And we need details like if the break-up was bad, to really give u some good advice. Depending on how the break-up was, and the how long the time you spent together was..then that will determine if it's really worth it. We can't hold it against the other person to try out other things if they're nice about it, however if they went about it the wrong way then it's time to move on.
Don Ho Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 He took me for granted and strung me along in the end because he wanted to try things out with another girl, but now he wants me back. Deep down I know I shouldn't get back with him because he hasn't changed although he says he has and he really hurt me a lot. Everyone would be disappointed in me, but it's sooo tempting just so I won't be alone. Time to lay in bed all day No do not take him back and especially not because you are lonely. You really need to do some soul searching about why you "need" to be in a relationship. Until you solve that, you'll be stuck in this boat the rest of your life. Start working on that and find a different guy. BTW, no, time to get your a$$ moving, get out of bed and get busy finding a life.
Author Whipple Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 It hurts more than people can describe. How long were you together? And we need details like if the break-up was bad, to really give u some good advice. Depending on how the break-up was, and the how long the time you spent together was..then that will determine if it's really worth it. We can't hold it against the other person to try out other things if they're nice about it, however if they went about it the wrong way then it's time to move on.We were together for 4 years. The first year was great. He was respectful, loyal, loving, supportive. Things started going downhill during years 2 and 3. I thought maybe it was due to the honeymoon phase being over but I think there was more too it. He became condescending, hypocritical, and selfish. Everything was my fault. If I told him that something was bothering me, he would apologize but then he would go back doing whatever it is. His words didn't match up with his actions. He would tell me that he didn't have enough money for a birthday present for me yet he seemed to have plenty of money to spend on his alcohol and buying birthday presents for his friends and members of his family. Things got better during our 4th year together for a little while then things got even worse than before. He started saying things like "I'm confused about my feelings" "Love changes over time" "What if we break up before Christmas" He became more distant with his emotions. Finally, there was one of his friends that he liked and he thought she liked him so the relationship ended.
Don Ho Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 No do not take him back and especially not because you are lonely. You really need to do some soul searching about why you "need" to be in a relationship. Until you solve that, you'll be stuck in this boat the rest of your life. Start working on that and find a different guy. BTW, no, time to get your a$$ moving, get out of bed and get busy finding a life. Guess you only respond to posts you agree with...
Author Whipple Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 Guess you only respond to posts you agree with...No, I just didn't have a chance to respond earlier. I have a life and that's what I don't understand. I have a career that I'm more than satisfied with, I have plenty of friends who are loyal, my sister is my best friend in the world, I have outside hobbies and interests, and I go to the gym regularly. Everyone always says to keep yourself busy, which is what I'm doing but it's not helping. I honestly don't know what more I could do.
Weekender Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Just a suggestion. Do a google search on borderline personality disorder and look to see if you ex matches some of the criteria for BPD. If so, there may have been nothing you could do. Part of what you describe struck me as familiar with what I had to deal with concerning an ex.
skydiveaddict Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 It hurts more than people can describe. I can describe it. It's like a slow twist of the knife deep in your guts all the while knowing she/he is with someone else. Then they contact you and want to make "nice." "Oh hey, haven't heard from you in a while , how are you?" etc. Never fall for it. It is the height of selfishness. You are worth way more than that
strength-abounds Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Whipple All of us here on LS have been in where you are right now. Trust us when we say it will get better. But you are going to have to WANT it. Stop focusing on him. He is not worth it. If he was worth it, he would have stuck it out with you. Good luck and God speed.
Don Ho Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Whipple, that's good but you have to do some soul searching and really find out why you "need" or "want" him. Only you know the answer; parents divorce when you were young, death in family, parent cheating .... I think something is creating this feeling in you. Other than that, TIME will make you feel better.
Author Whipple Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 (edited) Weekender: He definitely had some issues although I really don't know what label to give him but I guess it doesn't matter much now. The impulsivity, affective instability, paranoia, and difficulty of controlling anger aspects of BPD definitely describes him... Skydiveaddict: You hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how it feels. Strength-abounds: I feel like I want it but it feels like I'm still stuck to him. I guess I'm not 100% there yet. And I don't mean to purposely sound pessimistic but I hear people saying that it will get better but for some people it doesn't get better. Some people stay miserable for the rest of their lives. I know some people who pined away for a single person until the day they died. How do I know I'm not going to be one of those people? DonHo: I have absolutely no clue as to why I want or need him. This is extremely pathetic but I have to admit that it's been a few weeks since I've heard from him and although I maintained NC, I miss the attention from him. That is so sick and shameful. He used to send me cards, presents, flowers, candy, trying to woo me back and I miss it all. I really don't like this feeling! It's so uncomfortable! God, sometimes I have bad thoughts of throwing bread crumbs to him so-to-speak just for the attention. But to answer your question, I had a stable family. No divorcing, no affairs or cheating, no deaths, no abandonment issues... I had a normal childhood and my teenage years were just as awkward as everyone else's. He was the one with the fcked up family dynamics so I can understand why he has relationship issues but I don't know why I'm so dependent. Edited October 31, 2010 by Whipple
strength-abounds Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Whipple, I too have heard of people that pined away a lifetime waiting for their "lost love" to come back. Frankly, it's waste of a d*** good life. Life is too short to sit by the window and wait for a "lost love" to walk up the sidewalk. There are so many things that the world has to offer. Find those things and embrace them. This experience you are going through will define who you are for the rest of your life. You can choose to accept what's been handed to you; or, go out and kick the world's a** for giving you a s***** deal. The choice is your's to make, and remember, in order to be loved by someone, you need to love you first.
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