Notsogood Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 We broke up last June after 5 and a half years together and I have been NC for more than a year, except for a bday text I sent her on her bday and a text she sent me on mine Since that time, I have done everything i can to work on myself but I still can't seem to let her go. I've become a gym junkie, shedding 10 kgs and am in the best shape of my life. Also, I've quit my job and went backpacking around Europe myself for the last three months and am now settling in London, trying to get a job here. I look back now and am pretty happy at how much I've achieved since the break up and am pretty happy with the person I've become. I used to be very introverted and have opened up more during this time. However, she's still always in my mind. I've met plenty of girls over the past year but I always end up comparing them to her so I end up nowhere, as I'm not the type to "settle" for someone. Maybe I should, but I really look for long lasting relationships and settling will probably just cause me more grief and pain for others. Mentally, I'm definitely in a much better place than I was a year ago. I took the breakup very hard initially, and was extremely depressed and probably even suicidal. Those feelings are gone now, but I just feel empty and directionless. Sure, I've set goals for myself - like getting a job and my own place in London and traveling more of Europe during my holidays. But none of these things seem to get her out of my my head. Do you think I will ever lose this feeling? Will I ever stop comparing girls to my ex? That is probably the main problem for me in entering a new relationship as my ex was such a good person and very attractive as well. I'm approaching my late twenties and would really like to settle down in the next two or three years but if I keep going like this, I think I will probably end up old and alone.
Nkognito Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I think you're still not focusing on you fully. If your ex pops into your head when you're with other women then you need to take a step back and think of what you really want. Also it might be the girls you're with as well. Perhaps you should stick to being single for a little while longer. As of now, you know what you're looking for and you have your priorities lined up but any girl you settle down with now will just be a security blanket. Perhaps you should just call your ex out of the blue. Find out how she is doing. Maybe she will tell you she is with someone else or maybe she will want to work things out? The issue is you dont have closure and you can let go. A lot of us go through this but when your relationship was 5 years then a few girls after will not be enough to pursuade your heart from your ex. You still contact her, I say call her to find out what she is doing and maybe she will say the right combination of things that will allow what ever it is holding her to unlock and let her go. Right now you can't jump into something with someone because you're not focused and yea, you will eventually lose interest or be too distracted with your ex. Don't risk hurting someone if you're not ready I say.
Don Ho Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Do you think I will ever lose this feeling? Will I ever stop comparing girls to my ex? That is probably the main problem for me in entering a new relationship as my ex was such a good person and very attractive as well. I'm approaching my late twenties and would really like to settle down in the next two or three years but if I keep going like this, I think I will probably end up old and alone. Nope. It will continue forever . You just haven't met the right girl yet Bro. I know it's tough, but you have to stop comparing. I bet you're really comparing her physical appearance mostly. There will never be one just like her, but you may find that cute or pretty with a great personality is the medicine you need. Keep plugging on, it will happen.
Author Notsogood Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 I think you're still not focusing on you fully. If your ex pops into your head when you're with other women then you need to take a step back and think of what you really want. Also it might be the girls you're with as well. Perhaps you should stick to being single for a little while longer. As of now, you know what you're looking for and you have your priorities lined up but any girl you settle down with now will just be a security blanket. Perhaps you should just call your ex out of the blue. Find out how she is doing. Maybe she will tell you she is with someone else or maybe she will want to work things out? The issue is you dont have closure and you can let go. A lot of us go through this but when your relationship was 5 years then a few girls after will not be enough to pursuade your heart from your ex. You still contact her, I say call her to find out what she is doing and maybe she will say the right combination of things that will allow what ever it is holding her to unlock and let her go. Right now you can't jump into something with someone because you're not focused and yea, you will eventually lose interest or be too distracted with your ex. Don't risk hurting someone if you're not ready I say. Thanks for your reply. I don't plan on jumping into any relationship right now unless it feels right. I've tried to focus on myself as much as I can - i'd say my self esteem was probably a 1 a year ago and now its maybe a 7. I've thought about contacting her but I don't know if I can deal with the pain right that will come with it yet. I've still got her on facebook and can't bring myself to do it.
Nkognito Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I've thought about contacting her but I don't know if I can deal with the pain right that will come with it yet. I've still got her on facebook and can't bring myself to do it. That's you're answer there, the fact that you're not comfortable with contact her shows you have more emotional ties to her and your past. I know most relationship books state that No contact is a means for you to heal and there is a book called the "Magic of Making Up". In the book it speaks about having the mind set of moving on when contacting your ex. I am not a big beleiver in these types of books but knowledge is power. So what I am getting at is when you feel no remorse, no panic, no depression and absolutely no hurt about speaking to your ex. Then and only then will you be ready to move on. The feelings you speak of need to be cleared before you can move forward and right now you think you have moved on but until you can call your ex and deal with any news, such as pregnancy from someone else, marriage or anything else, then you are still not ready.
Am4Real Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Do you think I will ever lose this feeling? Will I ever stop comparing girls to my ex? Let’s take your questions in reverse order; I believe answering the second question found at the end of your post will indirectly answer the first. Question #2: Will “you” ever stop comparing girls to my EX? No! You will be comparing each and every girl you encounter with your EX UNTIL you meet the one that makes your EX look totally inferior. At that point any future comparisons with your EX are immaterial. Get it? :-) When you do meet the next superior partner for you, you can effectively answer “”YES” to your first question (Do you think I will ever lose this feeling?). The problem for you is that you are measuring your healing progress using “time” as the litmus test. This is wrong! Time has everything to do with healing as an input but nothing to do with gauging or forecasting your healing. Does that make sense to you? Eventually time and circumstance(s) will help heal you and bring you to someone new – it will happen and probably when you least expect it – time, however cannot be held responsible for progressing your healing in any predictable fashion. It may have been a year since your break up and you put yourself on the healing track, so what I ask? Positively speaking…in all your time of self discovery you now feel better about yourself, you look better, you probably are better. Consider it the first phase in healing and it took you a year…others take less than that and some ever more. Again, so what? Try advancing your healing and making your presence in more “new” places. Try volunteering at a local charity or doing something completely out of the ordinary for you. Why, it’s likely the out of the ordinary situation may bring to you that “out of the ordinary” girl and with that the dreaded “comparisons” with this EX will forever be gone. Best wishes, Am4Real
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