caring guy Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Hi I'm just writing as i'm feeling quite stressed & emotional about my relationship! My girlfriend suffers from depression & emotional issues going back to her childhood & certain events like a sex attack, bereavement etc in her later life! She has had counselling & takes medication & is awaiting more counselling! Little things affect her like a bad doctors visit, someone saying the wrong thing that upsets her or someone freaking her out, say in a lift or on a bus or train!! She was made redundant early in the year & that lowered her self confidence & esteem & over the last few months, its got worse really, especially as winter is here nearly, dark nights & also there is a problem in that her libido is zero! She says that because she had no childhood, no loving parents, nothing happened that happens to kids like birthday partys, christmas gifts, just general kids stuff, toys etc, she seeks it now! at the age of 31. She sees me more as a father figure, whereas when we met, she was in work, wasn't learning about herself or seeking deep into her past, she felt femenine, we had lots of good sex & closeness that way! I'm very understanding although still i'm a man & like sexual contact, i'm just not sure when things are going to get back on track! She's aware of this & wants it to be like it was! I am aware that i'm kind of a carer, but still we have a great laugh together when we go out & do lots of other stuff like walks, going for a run, shopping etc, & we get on very well, i'm just worried about her needing me & if ever it will get back like it used to be sexually. I do love her, am very understanding, just sometimes there is conflict, frustration & times of unsureness!! cg
PegNosePete Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Dude. I was exactly the same 6 years ago. In fact if you'd said her age was 33 then I'd have said you're dating my previous ex! Seriously all the other details match up exactly. I hope it turns out better for you, than it did for me.
Author caring guy Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 Yeh me too!! Its deffinately a rollercoaster of emotions. I know i'd miss her like hell if she wasn't in my life & all this sure makes me a bit insecure too about how her feelings are for me!!
Author caring guy Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 Does anyone have any experience with this & can help!
PegNosePete Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Unfortunately what you're going through is pretty much par for the course when dating someone who is emotionally damaged as this. She may never get better, and you have to face up to this possibility. Can you stay in the status quo forever? Can you see yourself marrying her and having children with her, even if she doesn't change? It may reach a point where you may have to choose between your own long-term happiness and being a carer for her. It's a terrible situation to be in, where you're not getting satisfaction from the relationship but you can't bring yourself to end it because she depends on you so much. That is not a healthy relationship. I would recommend ending the relationship, but I know you won't do that, because I wouldn't have when I was in your situation. However I would highly recommend the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" to you.
Author caring guy Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 I know & am thinking about if i need this!! I love being with her, but know i can't always be there for her emotionally as it has an affect on me!! It gets me down, makes me frustrated & anxious! She says & wants to be beck to her confident self, being well, getting rid of all her demons. It is not healthy, its co-dependant, making me feel ill!! I can't be there for all the time as its affecting my mental health now!! I feel a carer, i do love her but think i should do the reverse psychology thing & throw it back in her face! I'm very confused!!
PegNosePete Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Yeah I hear ya dude. It was the same for me. It was affecting my mental health and I was stressed and upset all the time. We got engaged but we agreed we wouldn't get married until she was better. 5 years later we were in the same situation. She eventually set me free by cheating on me, and we split up. At the time it hurt like hell but I got over it, and came to realize that it was for the best. I met and married someone else and realized just how unhealthy my previous relationship was, and how happy I could be with the right person. Then my wife cheated on me ha but that's another story!
Author caring guy Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 The sex side of it is difficult cos even though i understand her libido being low whilst on medication & dealing with her issues, i still want sex, & it ends up in an arguement!
PegNosePete Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Yep been there, done that dude. My problem was that my ex had been treated badly by men in the past, so she didn't like it when I initiated, her paranoia made her think that's all I wanted her for. But then she would complain that I never initiated and didn't find her attractive. I couldn't win. Like I said, it's a horrible situation. You're not getting satisfaction from the relationship but you can't bring yourself to end it because she depends on you. Not a healthy relationship at all.
scatterd Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I feel for you and her depression it is horrible I dont know how long she has been on meds but it takes time for your body to repair and more stress adds to it.I would be patient stick by her reasure her while she is going through this.Her meds are not helping with her sex drive maybe they should try a different kind.I would read about depression and how to deal with someone with it.Good Luck and I hope she heals soon.
reknown29 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 If your really going to miss her that much I would sit down with her and tell her that your going to have to leave because her depression is taking a toll on you. I think this is much better than just dumping her which will leave her more depressed. At least give her a chance for improvement. I think you may be surprised, if she really loves you, how much she will work on getting better if she understands what she is doing to you. It really comes down to how in love you are with this person. Just my .02
Author caring guy Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Whats going on is that she don't think in a relationship, she is going to get better! As i get frustrated, not so much cos of sex, just constant issues, stuff all the time, which i empathise about cos its heavy stuff!! She wants now to be apart as i know i've been ratty, been argumentative sometimes & my anxiety issues aren't helping me which inflict on her & hers inflict on me too!! We get on so well, its just been the last month or so cos we've had stresses with money, losing flat etc! & her dad dying anniversary, probs with family, & its all rubbed off on each other causing conflict! She wants a few days to be alone & sort her head out & that obviously affect me cos i'm in limbo & having to stay back with my family which is a night mare! I want to talk to her, but thats denying her her space, but tearing me up inside! I've been sat in front of facebook looking at all our good times & its killing me, kinda a self torture!! I hate it, i just wanna sit down & talk it out cos when we 1st met, it was fab & i know it can get back to that as all relationships go through blips, but can be ironed out!
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