Ilovelove Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 The famous adage goes like this ' Money isnt everything, it's cant buy love'. However, based on experiences of older friends, money or rather lack of it, has put a lot of strain on marriages. What do you think? Who should be the breadwinner? Do women lose respect for men who arent financially stable?
carhill Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Yes, 'lack' can be a strain, and that lack can be anything one spouse decides it to be. IOW, one can live like 99% of the population doesn't and still there can be 'lack'. IME, having a compatible financial philosophy and the willingness to work as a team to implement it is key to marital success in the money area. If both people are happy spending the marriage into bankruptcy, hey, they're happy. I've seen some of those. Glad I didn't loan them any money
Spark1111 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 The famous adage goes like this ' Money isnt everything, it's cant buy love'. However, based on experiences of older friends, money or rather lack of it, has put a lot of strain on marriages. What do you think? Who should be the breadwinner? Do women lose respect for men who arent financially stable? Yes, I believe women do lose respect for a man who is not stable. Doesn't mean they won't be supportive to the hilt for the guy they love, but if it becomes a repeating scenario, then yes. I am not saying it is right or wrong, but I do believe many women judge a man by his ability to provide --not big, lavish dollars, just stability in being able to do so.
allina Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 How money is handled is important to me, I have specific goals and ideas regarding money. I am so glad that my wonderful hubby and I are on the same page money wise. I don't know if the man should be the breadwinner, it definitely helps if he wants his wife to stay home with children. I get annoyed with men who expect the woman to stay home with kids and be SAHMs while not realizing that with a low income that just isn't possible. I also think that in marriage you need to stand by your partners side through hard times, that includes job loss and tough financial times, however a man that simple can't hold a job is not acceptable.
Crazy Magnet Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I have to be on the same page as my partner financially or it's never going to work. My exH LIED his butt off about his financial situation and then dumped it on me after the wedding. UGH. More than half our income then had to go to his debt every month and he was still spending like crazy. I eventually started walking him back to the store to make him return his purchases. It's one reason I would never marry until I lived with someone. I want to see finances in day to day action. I'm a saver and I need a mutual saver. I also don't care for a man to be a breadwinner. I currently make more than my BF. We live well within our means and have everything we want. I personally wouldn't get into a situation where money was tight/a man had a super low income and wanted to live it up all the time. No thanks.
WonderingWhatIf Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 It is a definite deal breaker and very important to a marriage. You will drive yourself insane if you are not on the same page as your husband with spending/saving. My exH spent money like it was nothing, then griped when there was not money to pay bills. It was draining!
denise_xo Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I am the breadwinner and don't have any issues with that, I don't expect a man to provide for me financially. We are a bit low on finances, though, and yes that can be a strain. The key issue for me is equal contribution to the 'common good', which doesn't necessarily have to be through money, as well as being on the same page in terms of spending. A deal breaker for me would be someone who thinks it's important to spend lots of money on having the latest mobile phone or most expensive piece of furniture or something like that. Those priorities have to be a bit harmonised unless you have more money than you really need.
denise_xo Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 All I want is someone who can work with me as a team. I dont believe in gender roles. I dont believe that I should be the breadwinner just because Im a man and I dont believe that a woman should be a stay at home spouse. I believe both sides have one same role and that role is to do whatever it takes together to ensure the well-being of the couple and the family. My own parents are an example. My mom was simply born to make money. She is a fighter and ambitious. She can be dropped anywhere on the planet and she will find a way to find a living. However, she is TERRIBLE at being a housewife. Wherever she goes, she will turn that place into a dirty mess. On the other hand, my dad is less of a fighter and less ambitious. He can keep a job but he is not going to go anywhere at his job. However, he is much better at doing chores around the house. He likes to cook, he is kind of a neat freak, he likes to fix stuff, etc. So in our family my parents decided from early on for obvious reasons that my mother was going to hunt for the big money while my dad was just going to make whatever he could and focus more on keeping the house. At first my dad wanted to have a traditional family in which my mom stays home while he is out there providing for the family. However, my mom was like, "Yeah right" and arranged what was best for the family and it has been working out great. If from the beginning my parents insisted on traditional roles, then probably the whole family would have perished long long time ago. One thing I learn from my personal experience is that the capability of being the head of family has ZERO to do with gender. The only major difference between a man and a woman is their body shape, while personal traits are purely individual instead of gender. Amen. That was a refreshing read.
Baroness67 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 I agree, finances are pretty critical. A strong, stable, committed financial arrangement, based on whatever works for both parties in the marriage, can help weather lots of storms - and the storms will come. The arrangement is whatever two parties agree to. I know a couple whose husband handles everything to the point where the wife doesn't even know their bank balance, and does not own a debit card. He gives her a single credit card and if she needs cash, or a check to pay a service person, she asks for it and provides him with receipts. If he thinks she spent too much for something, he will ask her to return it, and usually, she does. So far so good. It is what they agree to. I don't see her leaving because she is totally dependent on him, and I don't see him leaving because I think he likes that arrangement, and where's he going to find another wife who does that?!. (Plus, they have lots of kids.) I know another couple who is struggling. She came from a privileged background and wanted to get married and stay at home. She married late to a guy, she's his 3rd wife (no warning bells there?) and anyway, is miserable because he can't hold a job and she doesn't care where he gets his sex, it's not from her, and she deserves better ... that marriage is in the crapper. They hate each other but I don't think they can even afford to divorce. Anyway, all marriages have challenges. Unstable finances can kill a marriage worth saving, and stable finances can save even a marriage not worth saving. I would never ignore finances.
Recommended Posts