Is it really time to go? (readable)

[releasethekraken]

Hello,

 

Newbie here (I hate that word) who is in a tough spot. I am usually a very private person, but it has come to a point where I just need to let it out…so here goes.

 

To give you some background, my wife and I have been married for just over 9 years and have been together since we were in high school. She was the first girl I ever really dated and became emotionally involved with. At age 17, we had the first of our three boys together, ages 6-14. Although we had some brief separations, during college, we have always been together.

 

On paper, we are a true success story. Being teenage parents, we both went on to complete college and I went on to medical school. We had great support from our parents/families who backed us all the way. She has stood by me through all of my complicated medical training.

 

When I started residency four years ago, things started really going downhill for us. I was tired of raising a family on a resident income so I started a company for us to live with better means through the final 4 years of my training. As the company grew, I became very taxed with an insane schedule. I asked her if we could move closer to the hospital but she wanted to stay close to her mom so I decided to put up with the hour-long commute each way. My days were hell working over 100 hours per week.

 

The harder I worked (owning and running a company alone while being a full time surgical resident) the better her life-style got. She never wanted to be a part of the business and I didn’t feel as though she could sympathize at all with the extreme amounts of stress I was going through, which resulted in resentment. She began telling me that I was just good for a paycheck and that I wasn’t “present” for her. On top of this, our oldest son developed a chronic life-changing medical condition, which he struggles with to this day on a daily basis.

 

The stress grew to be so much that I began using chemicals to help me cope with these problems and was forced to enter a chemical dependency program last fall. I’ve been in recovery now for a little over a year and am proud to be back at work full-time with one more year left in my surgical residency. As far as the company is concerned, it is doing very well but I have a staff the runs the operations and am only peripherally involved at this point.

 

Here’s where things get interesting…About a year ago, my wife started spending significant amounts of time on the internet, mostly facebooking. She started being very secretive with her phone and I could tell something was different about her. She told me there was a guy from high school who she had become very emotionally attached to on facebook and they had begun texting. She expressed the exciting feelings she felt for him and tried to meet him during a trip but he would not meet her.

 

When she returned, I declared to her that I really loved her and didn’t want to lose her. I have had infidelity issues in the past (mostly acting out from resent toward her and addiction) and have made an amends to her for these. For the past eight months, I have made a lot of great changes for the better. I stopped working so much and became involved with the house. I help her cook, love to take trips and family outings and have just really tried to be present for her. She stopped talking to the guy for a while but has resumed on several occasions. We went to counseling together (3 counselors, all of whom I found and set up) and the third wouldn’t even counsel us.

 

Over the past eight months, I have seen my wife turn into a different person. She is disengaged with the kids, spends money like water, stays up to wee hours, sleeps in half the day, and is always in front of the computer or her phone. She has a group of three girlfriends who she treats wonderfully, but she has said that something has changed in her and she doesn’t feel any intimacy with me.

 

This past weekend we took a trip together and had a great time. During the trip I noticed that she was still having facebook posts from this guy and I asked her again (as I have one million times) to please block him but she will not. She says she wants no relationship with him and that they are simply friends. I said that I could tolerate this as long as she agreed not to communicate with him and she agreed.

 

Two nights ago I found a message she sent to him on the computer that was sexually taunting and very flirtatious. I confronted her about it and she sheepishly grinned and didn’t have much of a response.

 

The same thing happened about a month ago. I left for a few days and she made a huge 180 turn-around and said she still loved me and he wasn’t important. She treated me incredibly for a few days and then things went back to where they were. All I have asked her to do is to stop talking to him for a period of time while we are living together and trying to work things out. She won’t and emphasizes she should be able to have “friends.” I just cannot live in the house this way… knowing she is emotionally attached to someone else and have decided to leave. I have done this before for a few days but never make it over a week without us reconnecting. We have a STRONG physical bond and have always had a great sex life, which makes it even more difficult. We get extremely attracted to each other when we are apart for a few days.

 

This time I have left again. It’s been one day. I am hurting badly and am very confused. All of my friends/family are telling me to move out for a while but it is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I still love her but any attempt on my part at this point seems futile. I would like for us to be able to reconcile but am starting to realize that this is out of my hands. I have to be stronger this time and really set some strong boundaries with her physically.

 

I admit that part of my hurt is pride and ego and feeling rejected. There is also some residual guilt on my part from the past and things I have done over the years (which I have made amends for). I am a different person these days and have been very humbled by my life and time in recovery.

 

If you have made it this far in my story, you are a very patient person and I thank you for taking the time to read. Your advice/input is appreciated.

[iheartboobs]

I think you do need to go away for a while. Get an appartment and stay out of the house this time. I know it's hard, but your actions have been telling your wife she can be married to you and still flirt with some other guy when that's simply unacceptable. Every time she does something stupid you make it clear that you love her despite everything and are willing to work it out... you've proven to her that there are no consequences to her actions, so why would she stop?

 

You have to show her that there are consequences, that she can't betray you and then go about the marriage like nothing's wrong. You have to do this.

 

When you got married, you became a team... but when your spouse put her desires above (and to the detriment of) yours, she became the enemy. That sounds harsh, but what else do you call someone that is perfectly willing to dismiss your feelings or even hurt you for their own selfish wants? I'm telling you this because treating her like your wife while she views you as an obsticle to what she really wants is not going to work. The harder you push towards her while she's in this mind-set, the harder she's going to pull away.

 

The best thing to do is walk away for a while. Sever all contact that doesn't have to do with the kids. Burst her fantasy bubble and show her that she can either have a husband and family, or a facebook boyfriend, but not both.

[HopelessinDTW]

I think you do need to go away for a while. Get an appartment and stay out of the house this time. I know it's hard, but your actions have been telling your wife she can be married to you and still flirt with some other guy when that's simply unacceptable. Every time she does something stupid you make it clear that you love her despite everything and are willing to work it out... you've proven to her that there are no consequences to her actions, so why would she stop?

 

You have to show her that there are consequences, that she can't betray you and then go about the marriage like nothing's wrong. You have to do this.

 

When you got married, you became a team... but when your spouse put her desires above (and to the detriment of) yours, she became the enemy. That sounds harsh, but what else do you call someone that is perfectly willing to dismiss your feelings or even hurt you for their own selfish wants? I'm telling you this because treating her like your wife while she views you as an obsticle to what she really wants is not going to work. The harder you push towards her while she's in this mind-set, the harder she's going to pull away.

 

The best thing to do is walk away for a while. Sever all contact that doesn't have to do with the kids. Burst her fantasy bubble and show her that she can either have a husband and family, or a facebook boyfriend, but not both.

Whoa!!! Why is the OP moving out?? Please do not move out of the house!! My stbx also got hooked on Facebook, and got bakc with a HS "soul mate". Seen this too many times....anyways...you need to set strict boundaries. You TELL her she needs to stop talking to him, and that if she does not...she needs to move out of the house. Her having and emotional affair is not appropriate, and I can assure you they are not "just friends". The kids stay with you, and she can visit them. Stop talking to her unless it has to do with the kids. Set her free...if she goes with this guy..then you know she a worthless POS. If she does what you told her to do, and comes back and in sincere...then you know you have a chance to reconcile. In either case...you do the same thing...read up on the 180. You busted you ass all these years to provide for your family...she obviously has no clue the sacrifices you made for her. Well, stop being a doormat to her, and treat her like the child she's acting out to be.

[iheartboobs]

Fair enough. I can also get on board with "kick that bitch out".

 

Either way.

[Too Much]

Wow, your story sounds somewhat similar to mine and I definitely feel for you cause I'm going through the same thing with W having an EA. I pray things will get better for you.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

releasethekraken :

 

Wow, well blow me down, well shiver me timbers am I hearing once again a pretty familiar story here? Am I hearing about a spouse who has become latched on to the good ole internet to fill some dark void in their heart or their lives, why is this becoming such a familiar story these days.

 

Be careful my friend, the good ole internet was one of the corner stones of the deconstruction of my marriage. I to was working my a** off, providing a very good and easy life for my ex-wife, gone about 70-80 hours a week working, bringing home the bacon ect. ect. ect. Then close to three years ago, I guess she felt that a Husband who was making approx. $4000 a month wasn't good enough, I guess she felt abandoned or marooned, some crazy sh*t like that.

 

My ex-wife began dabbling on the internet, yahoo chat rooms and Facebook and MySpace, stuff like that. That is where she hooked up with that man she is currently living with today, a.k.a. my replacement! I know how you feel Bro, I hated and even resented the fact that my ex-wife was just giving her emotions to another man, that she barely knew. I resented the fact that this man living approx. 2000 miles away was getting my wife's best, and I was getting the scraps that fell to the floor.

 

Don't be a sucker here and fall into the same trap I did, I had to put up with my ex-wife's actions for about 4 months, until she was kicked to the curb and thrown under the bus! For months this activity was happening under my roof. It got so bad that I moved out of my bedroom and moved into my Son's room, thank Gosh he had bunk beds or it would have been the floor for me. She became so rabid, so toxic, so brainless and dumb. She just couldn't put the internet down to save her life, or even save a marriage. Then the internet morphed into them exchanging phone numbers, the phone calls, the text's, I remember yelling at her once after she spent like 2 hours texting this guy right in front of me, I yelled at her "WHY DON"T YOU TWO JUST GET A ROOM AND GET IT OVER WITH"!

 

My ex-wife became so enamored and mesmerized for this new guy, that about 4 months into their little internet and phone affair, she booked a plane to go be with this guy, all on the premise that she was "confused", didn't know where she belonged, and she needed to be with the new guy to get her answers. We try'd marriage counseling to no avail, she still couldn't let this guy go. I told her, in the 11th hour, that you board this plane and it's wheel life off the ground, the very instant that happens "we are over and finished"!.............................she got on the plane anyway!

 

Don't fall into this trap that had me by the neck for approx. 4 months or so, break free now while the getting is good. I agree with some around here who have told you to keep the house, and have her move out. That might be wise! Heck even the judge in my divorce court case slammed my ex-wife verbally, he told her, "seeing that you are going out of your way to communicate with some one out side of the home, seeing that you are chatting on the internet as to help continue your adulteress relationship, seeing that you flew 3 times to someone outside the home for your love, than you don't get to keep the home, for you have proven that you don't respect it and it has now become something that means nothing to you"!

 

If a judge in my case wouldn't allow my ex-wife to keep the house, due to her adultery, than why should you have to move out due to your wife's adultery! Keep the house, have her move out and get a cheap apartment or duplex or condo, something. Just be careful, don't get stuck in having to eye witness her adulteress actions to much, in this case if she was out of the house, and you were not seeing her actions, than the old term "ignorance is bliss" would apply.

 

Just keep you and your kids safe ans well protected, for if your wife is anything like my ex-wife, sounds like to me she is just "warming up"!

 

Good luck

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

Hope (and strive) for the best and plan for the rest.

 

Have your business lawyer set up a meeting with a matrimonial lawyer and lay out the details of your situation. The three of you can formulate a plan B to be implemented if things with your wife go sideways. This presumes you already do not have a plan B in place.

 

Decide what is important to you. It will be a very short list. Pick any three. In your position, as a father of three, I'd be inclined to pick my surgical practice, my children and my house, in no particular order. Then let the professionals do their work.

 

Do not leave the children's domicile, no matter how bad it gets. Don't leave.

 

Status quo everything. No changes in behavior. Be calm. Once you have definitive advice from your advisers, decide if you will attempt to recover the marriage or implement plan B, then proceed to implement your decision.

 

Be prepared to take actions which will greatly anger your wife. You will not have seen such anger before, save for when she became aware of your infidelity. Expect it. Accept it. There is nothing easy about what lays ahead, no matter which path it takes.

 

My sympathies.

[releasethekraken]

The advice I have gotten on here has been great. I've been reading the 180 guidelines and sticking to them closely. Actually, my wife can keep the house. I don't really want it. I found an apartment today that I was very comfortable in and one the kids would have some space. It's low maintenance and that is what I need right now.

 

My "plan B" is already in the works and I will be finding an attorney and setting something up within the next couple weeks. She really showed her true colors once again tonight. I received a call from one of the banks saying that a large amount of money was attempted transfer today into a new account. I stopped it of course and new right away who it came from.

 

Got a few texts from her tonight also saying how she was worried about me and how she loves me. I smiled as I have been down this road before. I won't be fooled again by the kindness. The decision to leave has been made.

 

Last night I spent a wonderful time with my boys-Dinner, stories, sleep-over without her. Something was very different about this time together. There was no preoccupation about what she was doing or with anything else for that matter. My mind was in the moment and I found that I could really enjoy them for the first time in a long time. It was a different experience and I loved it. The next week should be interesting. I want to legalize the separation ASAP.

[Els]

I do believe you're doing the right thing re: separation after she cheated. There is never any excuse for such a thing.

 

However, I honestly believe that your work schedule drove you apart, and I do not think 'working 100 hour weeks' and 'having a family' should go together, ever. It's just not right. What is the use of a husband or father who isn't there 95% of the time?

[serenemind]

I do believe you're doing the right thing re: separation after she cheated. There is never any excuse for such a thing.

 

However, I honestly believe that your work schedule drove you apart, and I do not think 'working 100 hour weeks' and 'having a family' should go together, ever. It's just not right. What is the use of a husband or father who isn't there 95% of the time?

 

The use is the lifestyle you have when they are away 95% of the time working without even caring about their own health and sleep. Anyways this was going to be a short term deal till the OP finished his residency. If wife and family don't understand and support the breadwinner and the wife decides to cheat...then the wife definitely don't deserve a husband.

 

If love between 2 people is really there...then the distance should be a sweet pain which should bring them even more closer but not a reason to lie and cheat.

 

I am going through something similar but my wife is mentally not stable....so I am going to be there and take care of her cos she didn't do what she did consciously. But here the OP's wife is in perfect mental health to even think of doing something like that to her own husband with whom she has kids.

 

Doc move on with your life... she doesn't deserve you.

Edited October 31, 2010 by serenemind
grammar

[Els]

The use is the lifestyle you have when they are away 95% of the time working without even caring about their own health and sleep. Anyways this was going to be a short term deal till the OP finished his residency. If wife and family don't understand and support the breadwinner and the wife decides to cheat...then the wife definitely don't deserve a husband.

 

If love between 2 people is really there...then the distance should be a sweet pain which should bring them even more closer but not a reason to lie and cheat.

 

I am going through something similar but my wife is mentally not stable....so I am going to be there and take care of her cos she didn't do what she did consciously. But here the OP's wife is in perfect mental health to even think of doing something like that to her own husband with whom she has kids.

 

Doc move on with your life... she doesn't deserve you.

 

From what I read, the OP didn't necessarily need to do it to survive, nor did his wife pressure him to do it to 'maintain the lifestyle'. It was purely his own decision because he was 'tired of raising a family on a resident's income'. With frugal spending, it is completely possible to support a family on a resident's income - and American residents get paid more than doctors in many other countries.

 

4 years of detachment is actually a rather long time, not really 'short term'. How many men have cheated because the wives were pregnant (which rarely lasts more than 9 mths!) and thus moody, detached and sexually uninterested?

 

Are you, personally, able to sustain a healthy relationship through 4 years of one partner working 100-hour weeks? If you can, good for you; I know that I and many others cannot.

 

Again, no excuse for her cheating. She should have tried to talk with him about his work hours, or left.

[9Lives]

Fair enough. I can also get on board with "kick that bitch out".

 

Either way.

 

I kinda agree. Why u got to leave when u build that lifestyle for her and the kids? Stand your ground. Turn off her phone if u have to and change the accounts to where she has to come to u for money perhaps. U out here killing yourself and she acting like a spoiled brat cause u couldn't be home a lot. Most men or women of status who are building a business do sacrifice something. Don't feel guilty about that. U can't make the good money and be at home at the same time. She is not thinking.

[releasethekraken]

Some great feedback guys. Tonight we met briefly because she asked if we could talk. She ask me what I wanted and I replied that I wanted a legal separation. She then tried to bully me a bit with money and when I held my ground she got very upset. Tried to be calm and stick to the 180 rules as much as possible. She ended up leaving before the food got there. Tonight was a little sedimental and she looked good when I stopped at the house. In the past I have made the mistake of falling for her softness and kindness when these thngs happen only to be dragged in again. This time it is different. I will not budge and have made up my mind.

 

I have run a company for the past four years that she has never participated in at all. No matter how hard I have tried, she has never shown interest. Today she said..."And I will be coming into the office to work all week." I just laughed as this was amusing to me.

 

Tomorrow is back to a busy work week. I need to remain strong and continue my focus without being vindictive toward her. I still have the urge to check her facebook, etc. and I am wondering why? It only makes me upset but it's like I can't go without knowing. I want to grow out of that. Can tell already I will be much happier being apart. Thanks for all of the support and constructive ctiticism. I know that I have lots of room for improvement.

[dreamingoftigers]

To be honest, it sounds like you screwed this one up as much as she has, you overworked to the point where your wife was complaining about it, to the point where you got addicted to chemicals and then you cheated on top of it.

 

Relationships can't stand that much pressure most of the time, it isn't much wonder that she became disconnected from you. I know that you says you made amends, but does that just mean you put a little more effort in, or that she became confident enough to trust you and was completely willing to forgive and re-commit? Truly, when one spouse commits adultery it just opens up too many doors for the other, it almost feels like it is justifiable and permitted.

 

It really does seem like she has found a way to perfectly justify this.

 

I am not just giving you hell, but maybe consider all of this when you enter into another relationship. If you overwork, cheat and get addicted, you are going to have a huge emotional disconnect and you will not be able to sustain a relationship.

 

I am not saying she has a free ticket here, but she also isn't the one on the forum asking for constructive criticism. It sounds like she would have left eventually anyways. When a woman is at the point where she is emotionally attaching to someone other then her husband, the jig is almost always up.

[releasethekraken]

Making an "amends" in a marriage or to anyone for that matter is not to ask nor beg for one's forgiveness; it is merely a process of "letting go" and deciding to not be burdened by the event any longer. One can only live in purgatory for so long. Eventually, life has to go on.

 

I love my wife so dearly. To see her hurt pains me deeply. I have wronged her in the past but have been the upstanding person i have promised her for a long time now. I am unable to stay in the house and lie witness to her giving her emotional attention to someone else. She sees no wrong in what she does.

 

It's my decision to leave now. I did not "choose" to have chemical addiction. I did "choose" however to commit myself to two months in rehab and over a year of solid recovery. I owe it to myself and my family to be the best me possible. I have done that.

 

For whatever reason, my wife is choosing something else and does not value our marriage. Now I will accept that and move on. This time I will not be roped back in when she softens and comes crawling back sometime mid-week rationalizing her behavior and telling me how much she loves me. Nope...been fooled by that before. This time, it's hard as nails!