newatthis1 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I can't take this feeling anymore! one minute I feel strong and I will be able to move on, I even feel angry for all he's put me through. Another minute, I feel terrible anxiety, I check my phone to see if he calls, wonder if he is with her, wonder why he doesn't love me. I know he is not good for me, but I can't stop thinking about the good times (althought there were tons of bad/miserable times), please tell me that I will feel normal again, How long does this **** last? It has been three weeks since he left and I feel worse rather than better. how long did it take you to feel better?
iheartboobs Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Don't know how long, but if you're anything like me... it's going to be a lot longer than 3 weeks. Sorry. Try to keep your mind occupied with other things: friends, family, or go out on a date. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you're not thinking about the ex while you do it. Box up anything that reminds you of him and burn it, throw it away, or just put it out of sight. What's something you always wanted to do but never had the time? Do that. When you feel particularly depressed or weak, post it on the forum... it helps a lot. We've all gone or are going through the same **** you are and we've survived... we've got the gift of hindsight and can help guide you to the light at the end of the tunnel if you'll let us. It's not easy, and it's not fun, but if you let it, this experience will help you grow as a person... it will make you a stronger and better woman. Good luck.
carhill Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 How long have you been married? It took me about two years to emotionally disconnect completely, one year prior to filing and about one year after filing. Our D was final last week. We filed the last of the paperwork together and had lunch to 'celebrate'. We will likely still have incidental contact but it is the same as any other two people who have known each other. Recognition, civility and nothing more. We were married ten years and two months. As a man, I thank you in advance for not using men like myself as a salve to assuage your pain. It is a temptation you will be faced with. Best wishes and good luck
Author newatthis1 Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 I was thinking about dating again, but I don't think I can handle it!! I'll probably would just do it to make him jealous, since he has somebody else. HOw can a person move on so fast? He cheated on me and now he is dating her, that is just not fair! I can't believe I am still thinking about that loser! my self esteem must be on the ground!!!
carhill Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Making him jealous really does nothing to facilitate your healing, IMO. It just perpetuates the pain. A key aspect I watch for when dating women now is how they talk about their ex'es. It's OK that marriages fail; it's OK that one or both spouses betrayed the marriage, in your case by your husband cheating. I watch for *how* they share this information; the emotional component. Whether it's three weeks or three years, if I sense that they're still emotionally engaged in the dynamic, regardless of how they might feel about the ex-spouse, I pass on continuing to date them. They're not ready for a new relationship, and that's what I'm looking for. Given what you've shared so far, on second thought, the 'going crazy' path might work for you. Make him jealous, have sex with random men you're attracted to for some months, and recover your ego through validation. I meet married women like this all the time. Yes, you are still 'married', since, unlike us, the court has not sealed the 'marriage ends on xxxx date' as I just saw last week. Women have held me to a high standard in such regards, and so shall I hold them. Other men will not be as discriminating, and this will assist you in your healing, as it has my exW. Best wishes and my sympathies...
iheartboobs Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 If you don't think you can handle dating yet, don't. I don't mean for you to find some guy and jump right back into a relationship, but dinner and a movie might be good for you. I also don't mean for you to use some poor guy as a "rebound" or to get back at the ex, but a couple friendly dinner dates with a few different guys will do wonders for your self esteem and outlook. It will make you feel desirable again (because getting cheated on has a way of making you feel like crap) as well as show you that there are plenty of better men out there. But if you can't handle that, get out anyway. Go to dinner with your friends, go dancing at a club, learn to bungee jump, whatever... just quit sitting around thinking about the piece of **** you were unlucky enough to be fooled into thinking was worth your time and love. He's not, and you don't owe him one more second of your consideration. **** him.
habs53 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I can't take this feeling anymore! one minute I feel strong and I will be able to move on, I even feel angry for all he's put me through. Another minute, I feel terrible anxiety, I check my phone to see if he calls, wonder if he is with her, wonder why he doesn't love me. I know he is not good for me, but I can't stop thinking about the good times (althought there were tons of bad/miserable times), please tell me that I will feel normal again, How long does this **** last? It has been three weeks since he left and I feel worse rather than better. how long did it take you to feel better? I dont think dating to make him jealous is a good idea. And i am now going into month 5 of no contact. Im a little bit better now but not as much as i would like. Hang in there, 3 weeks is not along time.
HopelessinDTW Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I can't take this feeling anymore! one minute I feel strong and I will be able to move on, I even feel angry for all he's put me through. Another minute, I feel terrible anxiety, I check my phone to see if he calls, wonder if he is with her, wonder why he doesn't love me. I know he is not good for me, but I can't stop thinking about the good times (althought there were tons of bad/miserable times), please tell me that I will feel normal again, How long does this **** last? It has been three weeks since he left and I feel worse rather than better. how long did it take you to feel better? It all depends on you. Think of your situtaion as if you broke your ankle. It may take one person a month to heal, whereas in your particular case it may take 4 months. You just don't know. I can tell you that constanly thinking about it is like trying to run with a broken ankle...it's going to hurt and you're just going to re-injure it. What I found to work, is to STOP thinking of the past.... you have to work very hard at this...and concentrate on the future. Everyone says this, but this is the first step you need to conquer in order for the healing to start. This will happen gradually...one hour you may be stuck in a rut...net hour hopeful about what the future holds. Eventually, you'll spend more time thinking about the present/future than the past...and that's when you know you're healed. You might also consider speaking to an therapist...the analogy is like a physical therapist for your ankle. They can help speed up the recovery.
sumdude Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 There's no timetable.. but I can say you're still very early in the process. Three weeks and you're still in the shock stages. Some people heal faster than others. Each marriage, separation and divorce is unique. I know it took me longer than many to really heal.. but it was complicated with other sad events in my life at the same time. Right now your self esteem has taken a huge hit. I had the same sort of thing happen, my ex had secretly been seeing someone and suddenly moved out one day without warning. We were divorced six months later and she married the guy right away. You're gonna ride an emotional roller coaster for a while. Your brain is going to continue to try to solve an unsolvable problem. Take extra good care of yourself physically and other ways right now. Find a couple close friends who are willing and able to listen to you talk the craziness out. Consider seeing a councilor for a little while, that can help. As far as seeing other people.. that time will come soon enough. Just make sure to let them know your situation. It's really easy to try and fill that empty space with someone else and you may find yourself doing it with the wrong people.
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