Do you ever Fear/ponder consequences?

[SoMovinOn]

On another thread, I asked if anyone here a good experiences with an A.

 

As a result of thinking about that and reading responses, I posted that I had a gut feeling my current A will end badly somehow.

 

One of my biggest fears is of her H finding out. I am concerned that he might hurt her, or worse. I know he probably wouldn't - but it does happen, and, there really is no way to know how someone will react in the heat of the moment.

 

I know the obvious answer would be that if I am concerned about that, I should stop seeing her. I have discussed that with her, and she would rather take the risk than end the A.

 

Part of me feels like I have to trust her judgment on this. She knows him better than I and is better able to assess how he may or may not respond should the A be discovered.

 

The other part of me wonders if she's just deluding herself into thinking it's not an issue because she believes we are cautious enough and would never get caught. I'm sure everyone thinks that.

 

It is something I think about now and then. I was just wondering if anyone else does as well.

[GreenEyedLady]

Did I worry about her finding out? I worried more about her wondering why they hadn't had sex in so long.

 

I didn't fear the consequences because I knew there would be some, no matter how our R turned out.

 

He left his M and moved in with me at first and then we moved 100 miles closer to his kids. So we were around all the people who knew he was getting a divorce. And I actually got a job at her bf's h's work. Very small region. And we were in the same field.

 

So there were consequences, but not like what you read about a lot of the times. It was more like an uncomfortable feeling at first. But no one really cared all that much. The BS sure didn't seem to care at all and so even her friends were nice to me.

 

I think I am one of those people who just accepts that with every choice there is a consequence. Some good, some bad. So I didn't fear it, I knew it was coming. And I got lucky.

 

GEL

[wheelwright]

I wish we had spent more time thinking about the consequences.

 

And less.

 

And I wish no-one had been hurt.

 

And many shades of beautiful sunset.

 

 

If you are not in love don't carry on with the potential fall out.

 

If you are, then it won't matter much what people say, will it?

[bentnotbroken]

I wish we had spent more time thinking about the consequences.

 

And less.

 

And I wish no-one had been hurt.

 

And many shades of beautiful sunset.

 

 

If you are not in love don't carry on with the potential fall out.

 

If you are, then it won't matter much what people say, will it?

 

 

I think his concern is more along the lines of physical abuse or worse. Though I don't believe this happens in the majority of affair discoveries, I do believe they happen more than anyone likes to admit. One can never be sure of the mental state of another person, including the person who knows them best. There are predispositions to many mental issues, no one knows what the trigger is or if they will be triggered at all. So he wonders, but as he said not enough to change his behavior. As GEL so eloquently put it, the consequences are coming, it's just a matter of the degree.

[steelknife]

On another thread, I asked if anyone here a good experiences with an A.

 

As a result of thinking about that and reading responses, I posted that I had a gut feeling my current A will end badly somehow.

 

One of my biggest fears is of her H finding out. I am concerned that he might hurt her, or worse. I know he probably wouldn't - but it does happen, and, there really is no way to know how someone will react in the heat of the moment.

 

I know the obvious answer would be that if I am concerned about that, I should stop seeing her. I have discussed that with her, and she would rather take the risk than end the A.

 

Part of me feels like I have to trust her judgment on this. She knows him better than I and is better able to assess how he may or may not respond should the A be discovered.

 

The other part of me wonders if she's just deluding herself into thinking it's not an issue because she believes we are cautious enough and would never get caught. I'm sure everyone thinks that.

 

It is something I think about now and then. I was just wondering if anyone else does as well.

 

you know what. when dday came, the initial thought i was going through was how pitiful the state xmm must be at home. what he had to put up, the fright he must be feeling and i was more concerned of that than the feeling of being dumped (which came later)

but days after when he called. i realized, i was concerned of him and he was concerned of him. he didnt even thnk about me. and all he had to say was; he will end it, she was nothing ( so am delegated to nothingness) he wil changed, he promises not to do it again, they will start all over and tell her the things that was not being met that was met by me. and why. and thats it. exit ow. hasta la vista.

 

BUT you feel like that because you are very concern with her and her welfare. like the concern i felt when dday came. but in the end, it will always be about the married person saving himself. he left me hanging to save his own skin. i hope it will not be the same with you.

 

i hope somehow i answered your question.

[OWoman]

I was just wondering if anyone else does as well.

 

I certainly did fear potential consequences at one point. When my then-MM was about to tell his then-BW that he wanted to leave the M, and why, I worried about how she might respond. Given the abusive nature of their R, and her history of attacking him physically in front of the kids, I worried about a replay. She had also previously attempted suicide, so that was also a risk. She had been particularly emotionally unstable around that time - which led to him delaying his "talk" with her, hoping she'd stabilise... - so he was also worried. Given that the internal doors have no locks, there was no way he could lock his bedroom door to prevent her coming into his bedroom when he was asleep and attacking him - so furniture would need to be moved to blockade the door. It was all a little dramatic.

 

As it happened, she didn't believe him. She laughed in his face, and told him no woman would possibly want him, he must be making the whole thing up to try to get her back into MC with "threats" of leaving. (They weren't threats - he told her he would be leaving as soon as he could find a suitable place for him and the kids to move to.) So, as it happened, those fears were unfounded. But it was good that he'd anticipated them and taken precautions (like ensuring the kids were staying with friends when he told her) because it could have been very different.

[East7]

One of my biggest fears is of her H finding out. .

 

I would say if a Dday comes, it is bad for her and good for you. She will be forced to a choice, either stay with H or move out. It will ugly, messy, stressful for her, not for you.

It will be a blessing for you, because either she will dump you or come to you, at least you will not waste your time waiting her to decide with who she wants to be.

 

Part of me feels like I have to trust her judgment on this. She knows him better than I and is better able to assess how he may or may not respond should the A be discovered..

 

If she thinks it will be OK, trust her ! She knows and can predict her H reactions better than you.

[pureinheart]

On another thread, I asked if anyone here a good experiences with an A.

 

As a result of thinking about that and reading responses, I posted that I had a gut feeling my current A will end badly somehow.

 

One of my biggest fears is of her H finding out. I am concerned that he might hurt her, or worse. I know he probably wouldn't - but it does happen, and, there really is no way to know how someone will react in the heat of the moment.

 

I know the obvious answer would be that if I am concerned about that, I should stop seeing her. I have discussed that with her, and she would rather take the risk than end the A.

 

Part of me feels like I have to trust her judgment on this. She knows him better than I and is better able to assess how he may or may not respond should the A be discovered.

 

The other part of me wonders if she's just deluding herself into thinking it's not an issue because she believes we are cautious enough and would never get caught. I'm sure everyone thinks that.

 

It is something I think about now and then. I was just wondering if anyone else does as well.

 

It depends on what type of person she is. For me, back in the day would go toe to toe with anyone, I never started anything, although will defend myself. I have always had a lot of friends and family that have jumped in many times if they heard someone (anyone) was jacking with me.

 

Concerning then MM, now exDM, I was more concerned about his mental state, his now exW has gotten physical and crazy with him in the past so he was ready.

 

I went NC and I think after that he began to plan their separation...who really knows, although she gave him an ultimatum and he did not go along with it (it was a really simple one for him to do) and she moved out. That was it.

 

I don't think she cares if she gets caught if you want my opinion. Personally I think most subconsciencly want to get caught. They don't know what to do, they feel stuck.

[SoMovinOn]

If you are not in love don't carry on with the potential fall out.

 

If you are, then it won't matter much what people say, will it?

 

We are in love, and have been for a lifetime, it is why we are now having an A.

 

Being in love doesn't mean other people don't matter. My marriage is over and we're just working on getting out of it the best way possible. The end of her marriage was just beginning. Her H is not going to make getting out easy. Still, neither of us feels the need to be hurtful towards our current spouses. Yes... discovering the A would be hurtful to her H (my W knows I am dating someone else). Of course, our hope is that he will never find out.

[SoMovinOn]

I don't think she cares if she gets caught if you want my opinion. Personally I think most subconsciencly want to get caught. They don't know what to do, they feel stuck.

 

I agree, somewhat. I think she wants an easy way out. She has suggested they split and the response was not good. She would like to get out without any confrontation, without her having to be the bad guy. In that respect, yes, getting caught might be "easier", in that it forces a conclusion.

[Gfkr2]

I agree, somewhat. I think she wants an easy way out. She has suggested they split and the response was not good. She would like to get out without any confrontation, without her having to be the bad guy. In that respect, yes, getting caught might be "easier", in that it forces a conclusion.

 

I'm in the exact same situation with my MW getting caught by her H. She tells me her H would must likely forgive her for the A. She is way above the guy and knows he can't do better even if he's a cuckold. She is in a difficult spot and knows seperation is a better alternative instead of dday. I trust her to do the right thing to end her M despite the pain of being the bad guy. Good luck.

[bentnotbroken]

We are in love, and have been for a lifetime, it is why we are now having an A.

 

Being in love doesn't mean other people don't matter. My marriage is over and we're just working on getting out of it the best way possible. The end of her marriage was just beginning. Her H is not going to make getting out easy. Still, neither of us feels the need to be hurtful towards our current spouses. Yes... discovering the A would be hurtful to her H (my W knows I am dating someone else). Of course, our hope is that he will never find out.

 

 

Nope being in love doesn't mean that. But your actions show otherwise.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm in the exact same situation with my MW getting caught by her H. She tells me her H would must likely forgive her for the A. She is way above the guy and knows he can't do better even if he's a cuckold. She is in a difficult spot and knows seperation is a better alternative instead of dday. I trust her to do the right thing to end her M despite the pain of being the bad guy. Good luck.

 

 

Too easy...

[bentnotbroken]

It depends on what type of person she is. For me, back in the day would go toe to toe with anyone, I never started anything, although will defend myself. I have always had a lot of friends and family that have jumped in many times if they heard someone (anyone) was jacking with me.

 

Concerning then MM, now exDM, I was more concerned about his mental state, his now exW has gotten physical and crazy with him in the past so he was ready.

 

I went NC and I think after that he began to plan their separation...who really knows, although she gave him an ultimatum and he did not go along with it (it was a really simple one for him to do) and she moved out. That was it.

 

I don't think she cares if she gets caught if you want my opinion. Personally I think most subconsciencly want to get caught. They don't know what to do, they feel stuck.

 

 

I thought you said families should butt out. Every Time I have ever seen you post on a thread where the BS has informed family or friends about being "jacked with" you have called foul. Interesting that your family is the exception.

[pureinheart]

I thought you said families should butt out. Every Time I have ever seen you post on a thread where the BS has informed family or friends about being "jacked with" you have called foul. Interesting that your family is the exception.

 

Are you serious?????? I'm not going to respond to anymore agrumentative posts, please find someone else to twist their words...thank you

[bentnotbroken]

Are you serious?????? I'm not going to respond to anymore agrumentative posts, please find someone else to twist their words...thank you

 

 

I can go back and pull your posts. I just asked about the contridiction in the above statement and previous statements. But if you can't, you can't.

[Gfkr2]

Too easy...

 

Never easy, but my MW is forcing a confrontation with her H now. She has brass ones...

[bentnotbroken]

Never easy, but my MW is forcing a confrontation with her H now. She has brass ones...

 

 

I meant the response I deleted was too easy.

[pureinheart]

I can go back and pull your posts. I just asked about the contridiction in the above statement and previous statements. But if you can't, you can't.

 

My family wanted to get involved, they said to just say the word, I never said the word. There is no contradiction. It was hard to hold back, although I did.

 

I have seen your interpretation of various things, and it seems as if all you want to do is argue. Personally I'd rather have a good discussion, help others and have fun doing it, rather than playing mind games.

[bentnotbroken]

My family wanted to get involved, they said to just say the word, I never said the word. There is no contradiction. It was hard to hold back, although I did.

 

I have seen your interpretation of various things, and it seems as if all you want to do is argue. Personally I'd rather have a good discussion, help others and have fun doing it, rather than playing mind games.

 

 

1) I don't need or want to argue, but I will stand up for my point of view. Just like you or anyone else here.

 

2)I don't need to play mind or any other kind of games. I remember what I read for the most part and I get very inquisitive.

 

By all means have all the fun you need to. I wasn't my intention to stop you from fooling around. As I have have seen your interpretation or lack there of various things as well.

[pureinheart]

It depends on what type of person she is. For me, back in the day would go toe to toe with anyone, I never started anything, although will defend myself. I have always had a lot of friends and family that have jumped in many times if they heard someone (anyone) was jacking with me.

 

Concerning then MM, now exDM, I was more concerned about his mental state, his now exW has gotten physical and crazy with him in the past so he was ready.

 

I went NC and I think after that he began to plan their separation...who really knows, although she gave him an ultimatum and he did not go along with it (it was a really simple one for him to do) and she moved out. That was it.

 

I don't think she cares if she gets caught if you want my opinion. Personally I think most subconsciencly want to get caught. They don't know what to do, they feel stuck.

 

I thought you said families should butt out. Every Time I have ever seen you post on a thread where the BS has informed family or friends about being "jacked with" you have called foul. Interesting that your family is the exception.

 

 

 

I can go back and pull your posts. I just asked about the contridiction in the above statement and previous statements. But if you can't, you can't.

 

I wanted to clear this up the right way, I was in a hurry today and didn't have time to do it properly.

 

In bold to SMO, I was referring to my younger years...those were some crazy days to say the least. My fiance had been murdered during a short living stent in LA, when I got home I was very angry. Me and bunch of friends were having a coming out of jail party for a close friend at our house that we called the "shack"...I was priddy buzzed and was yelling at someone...this guy poured a beer over my head and I tore into him...well my friends saw me going at it and they all took over. This guys shirt was in pieces all over the front yard.

 

There have been many times my friends and family have intervined in this manor.

 

Second bold, it depends on the sitch...mostly I say ya...kids need to mind their own business and stay out of their parents affairs (and not just A's, all affairs). I think it's counterproductive for the BS/AP to talk to the other. Unless there is abuse, I think people need to keep their marital issues to themselves or a close friend that is trustworthy and objective.

 

Concerning my EA, of which was already explained, I was dealing with a bunch of psycho F's and they were doing some way out of line stuff...a lot of people wanted a piece of them. It wasn't me running around talking crap either...it's stuff I had to do, due to what they pushed me into.

 

Sorry about this SMO, I realise this has little to do with your sitch, I re-read what I said on the first page and realised that I was talking about much earlier days and completely different circumstances than I refer to normally in this forum:)

Edited October 31, 2010 by pureinheart

[pureinheart]

My family wanted to get involved, they said to just say the word, I never said the word. There is no contradiction. It was hard to hold back, although I did.

 

I have seen your interpretation of various things, and it seems as if all you want to do is argue. Personally I'd rather have a good discussion, help others and have fun doing it, rather than playing mind games.

 

1) I don't need or want to argue, but I will stand up for my point of view. Just like you or anyone else here.

 

2)I don't need to play mind or any other kind of games. I remember what I read for the most part and I get very inquisitive.

 

By all means have all the fun you need to. I wasn't my intention to stop you from fooling around. As I have have seen your interpretation or lack there of various things as well.

 

In bold, this is the very thing I am referring to, you totally took out of context what I said...to make it sound like this is some game to me. This is why I don't like dealing with those who take words and twist them into a context that is no longer recognisable.

[SoMovinOn]

I trust her to do the right thing to end her M despite the pain of being the bad guy. Good luck.

 

That's the hard part for us guys, isn't it? We want to fix things, but, in this case, we *have* to do nothing other than trust her to handle it however she feels she needs to handle it.

[bentnotbroken]

I wanted to clear this up the right way, I was in a hurry today and didn't have time to do it properly.

 

In bold to SMO, I was referring to my younger years...those were some crazy days to say the least. My fiance had been murdered during a short living stent in LA, when I got home I was very angry. Me and bunch of friends were having a coming out of jail party for a close friend at our house that we called the "shack"...I was priddy buzzed and was yelling at someone...this guy poured a beer over my head and I tore into him...well my friends saw me going at it and they all took over. This guys shirt was in pieces all over the front yard.

 

There have been many times my friends and family have intervined in this manor.

 

Second bold, it depends on the sitch...mostly I say ya...kids need to mind their own business and stay out of their parents affairs (and not just A's, all affairs). I think it's counterproductive for the BS/AP to talk to the other. Unless there is abuse, I think people need to keep their marital issues to themselves or a close friend that is trustworthy and objective.

 

Concerning my EA, of which was already explained, I was dealing with a bunch of psycho F's and they were doing some way out of line stuff...a lot of people wanted a piece of them. It wasn't me running around talking crap either...it's stuff I had to do, due to what they pushed me into.

 

Sorry about this SMO, I realise this has little to do with your sitch, I re-read what I said on the first page and realised that I was talking about much earlier days and completely different circumstances than I refer to normally in this forum:)

 

 

I do understand younger days and doing the not so right things. With age should come wisdom for all of us.

[bentnotbroken]

I wanted to clear this up the right way, I was in a hurry today and didn't have time to do it properly.

 

In bold to SMO, I was referring to my younger years...those were some crazy days to say the least. My fiance had been murdered during a short living stent in LA, when I got home I was very angry. Me and bunch of friends were having a coming out of jail party for a close friend at our house that we called the "shack"...I was priddy buzzed and was yelling at someone...this guy poured a beer over my head and I tore into him...well my friends saw me going at it and they all took over. This guys shirt was in pieces all over the front yard.

 

There have been many times my friends and family have intervined in this manor.

 

Second bold, it depends on the sitch...mostly I say ya...kids need to mind their own business and stay out of their parents affairs (and not just A's, all affairs). I think it's counterproductive for the BS/AP to talk to the other. Unless there is abuse, I think people need to keep their marital issues to themselves or a close friend that is trustworthy and objective.

 

Concerning my EA, of which was already explained, I was dealing with a bunch of psycho F's and they were doing some way out of line stuff...a lot of people wanted a piece of them. It wasn't me running around talking crap either...it's stuff I had to do, due to what they pushed me into.

 

Sorry about this SMO, I realise this has little to do with your sitch, I re-read what I said on the first page and realised that I was talking about much earlier days and completely different circumstances than I refer to normally in this forum:)

 

In bold, this is the very thing I am referring to, you totally took out of context what I said...to make it sound like this is some game to me. This is why I don't like dealing with those who take words and twist them into a context that is no longer recognisable.

 

 

Pardon me, but aren't those your exact words to me;

 

I have seen your interpretation of various things, and it seems as if all you want to do is argue. Personally I'd rather have a good discussion, help others and have fun doing it, rather than playing mind games.

 

Because you don't like the way I think, the way I post, the way I defend my point of view...you dismissed it as playing mind games. Projecting much? I find that if it something you do frequently but don't necessarily like it about yourself you accuse others of doing it, Mr. Messy taught me . If you view my posts as playing, feel free to take your marbles and not play with me anymore.