Bogo123 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 When seeing someone and you guys are not exclusive yet, how do you deal with the fact that they are dating others? Is it best to ignore it? Welcome the competition and try to win them? Or does it discourage you? I've been dating this girl for a couple months. She just told me she was also dating another guy. I'm kinda pissed even though I shouldn't be since we are just "dating". I just feel like dropping the whole thing because I hate trying to win someone over. My best strategy would be to ignore him and just do my thing, but its easier said than done. I get jealous and it sometimes comes off in my behavior when we are together no matter how hard I try to shrug it off. What should I do?
lenny Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 IMO just pretend you don't know and just try to carry on like it was before. If it's really bothering you, ask to be exclusive.
carhill Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 What should I do? Do what you *want* to do and enjoy your time with her. If the process isn't fun and satisfying *for you*, discontinue dating her. Other men are irrelevant. Opinion varies on when to assert your desire for exclusivity. I do it prior to having any genital sexual contact. I have no interest in making love with a woman who's f*cking someone else. Your boundaries will necessarily be your own. Again, the other man/men are irrelevant. They don't exist.
welikeincrowds Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 What competition? The other guys don't matter. All that matters when you're with her is you and her. Also, anything in this world worth going after is going to have other people who want it, too. Nothing wrong with that! You know, there isn't losing in dating. There are people who were right for you, or they weren't. Forgive yourself, and enjoy practicing and perfecting your own form of seduction, which may or may not be the one that works best with this particular girl you're seeing -- no fault on you, as long you're trying to make it the best that you can! Another thing to consider is circumstance. We have one life -- our lives end up one way, and every course of action leads us to where we are now. In other words, it's quite possible that if she wasn't dating a bunch of people, she wouldn't be dating you right now, either. And if she didn't sneeze in third grade, causing her to accidentally hit her head and go to the hospital, which held her back a year, and caused her to graduate high school a year later, which coincidentally opened up the possibility of her getting into the good college due to changes in the admissions policy, which allowed her to graduate with high honors and subsequently land the job wherein she met you... ...****, that **** gets confusing fast. But it's not really that relevant, is it? What's relevant is that she's on a date with you right now. And when you're on a date together, she's not with him, or him, or her friends, or her mother -- she's there with you. No other way would have led you to where you are today. So let go of the possibilities of circumstance, and focus on what is right in front of you. And enjoy it! P.S. Incidentally, if you adopt this attitude, it's going to make you a lot more attractive.
Surrealist Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Personally I would never be in a competition with other guys. If the woman was seeing other guys at the same time and she was only too happy to make me known to this, I would either seek to be exclusive or stop dating her.
MalachXaviel Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I agree with Surrealist. What's the point of dating someone who's dating someone else? Anything romantic they say or do with you has absolutely no face value, because they could just be saying or doing it with someone else. Multiple first dates is normal, but kind of uncommitted. Multiple second dates isn't bad, but it proves indecisiveness. Multiple third dates is just pathetic to be honest.
Disillusioned Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Apples and oranges. I posted a personal on a site I won't name, and made a discovery... men who aren't looking for a quickie have more women to pick from, while the same is true of women who ARE looking for a quickie. So, if you're a woman who's not interested in a 1NS or you're a man who is, you'll have to be a little patient I guess... I thought it was just me getting all the spam pics of nude women... until I read ads by women in which they complained they didn't want men to send them any more pics of dicks... and I thought, WTF??? What kind of neanderthals are these women used to dealing with???
andreaparker Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Firstly ensure that she didn't fun with you. If you confirmed willingly she dating with other. No competition, just avoid.....
carhill Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 The only way to really know if someone is multi-dating or poly-sexual is to have them followed or if they voluntarily disclose. I often heard it 'disclosed' much later as 'BTW, I was seeing xxxx but broke it off'. The worst is 'btw, you know I'm married, right?' I've heard it all OP, you've been dating this girl for a couple months. Presuming you're sexually active but have not yet been so with her, step it up; time to show that attraction physically *and* sexually. Be proactive. If she waffles, dismiss her. This dynamic mattered enough for you to post a thread about it. Now it's time to take definitive action in real life.
Maggotface Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I don't deal with competition. I hate it, if a guy/girl is interested in me then I want to be their main focus. I know that's a lot to ask but that's just how it is.
Author Bogo123 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 What competition? The other guys don't matter. All that matters when you're with her is you and her. Also, anything in this world worth going after is going to have other people who want it, too. Nothing wrong with that! You know, there isn't losing in dating. There are people who were right for you, or they weren't. Forgive yourself, and enjoy practicing and perfecting your own form of seduction, which may or may not be the one that works best with this particular girl you're seeing -- no fault on you, as long you're trying to make it the best that you can! Another thing to consider is circumstance. We have one life -- our lives end up one way, and every course of action leads us to where we are now. In other words, it's quite possible that if she wasn't dating a bunch of people, she wouldn't be dating you right now, either. And if she didn't sneeze in third grade, causing her to accidentally hit her head and go to the hospital, which held her back a year, and caused her to graduate high school a year later, which coincidentally opened up the possibility of her getting into the good college due to changes in the admissions policy, which allowed her to graduate with high honors and subsequently land the job wherein she met you... ...****, that **** gets confusing fast. But it's not really that relevant, is it? What's relevant is that she's on a date with you right now. And when you're on a date together, she's not with him, or him, or her friends, or her mother -- she's there with you. No other way would have led you to where you are today. So let go of the possibilities of circumstance, and focus on what is right in front of you. And enjoy it! P.S. Incidentally, if you adopt this attitude, it's going to make you a lot more attractive. Good stuff! Im trying to incorporate these ideas into other areas in life. The only way to really know if someone is multi-dating or poly-sexual is to have them followed or if they voluntarily disclose. I often heard it 'disclosed' much later as 'BTW, I was seeing xxxx but broke it off'. The worst is 'btw, you know I'm married, right?' I've heard it all OP, you've been dating this girl for a couple months. Presuming you're sexually active but have not yet been so with her, step it up; time to show that attraction physically *and* sexually. Be proactive. If she waffles, dismiss her. This dynamic mattered enough for you to post a thread about it. Now it's time to take definitive action in real life. We've already had sex a few times and they've all been great. She said she isn't having sex with anyone else. She also said she isn't looking for anything serious at the moment but would like to continue seeing me. Hmmm...im confused. Should I just give her an ultimatum that I want to be with her and if she doesn't want to then just cut her off?
carhill Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 1. Are you OK with her having sex with other men? 2. If she changed her mind and wanted a relationship, do you consider her relationship material? 3. If she continues to want to 'see' you but make no commitment of exclusivity, are you OK with that? Decide where *your* boundaries are and what, if any areas, you're willing to compromise about, and then communicate that to her. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum, rather a calm recitation of what *you* want. She can choose to engage in the dialogue or not. Great decisions come from clear and open communication. Hope it works out
Author Bogo123 Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 1. Are you OK with her having sex with other men? 2. If she changed her mind and wanted a relationship, do you consider her relationship material? 3. If she continues to want to 'see' you but make no commitment of exclusivity, are you OK with that? Decide where *your* boundaries are and what, if any areas, you're willing to compromise about, and then communicate that to her. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum, rather a calm recitation of what *you* want. She can choose to engage in the dialogue or not. Great decisions come from clear and open communication. Hope it works out 1. Hell no 2. Yes, which is why I spend time with her 3. That's what im unsure of. I don't know what to do to change her mind. I feel like she is just seeing me, but if something better comes along she won't hesitate. I guess that's the dating world right?
welikeincrowds Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I guess that's the dating world right? No, just the casual dating world. There are plenty of women who shoot for exclusivity, and won't bother to continue date someone with whom they can't clearly imagine a future. If exclusivity is what you're after, then don't be afraid to enforce that boundary, as per carhill's advice. You're going to get hurt if you're dishonest with yourself about what you need.
threebyfate Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Don't do this and don't do that. Do this and don't do that. Don't look desperate, don't say that. All horse apples. Never fear loss. Ask for what you want. If she walks, that's her perogative, just like it's your perogative to walk if she doesn't agree to exclusivity. But I do have to pose a question to you. Why would it take her telling you about someone else before you wanted an exclusive relationship with her? Are you sure she's what you really want or is competition getting your dander up? Better decide what you really want before taking any action.
Author Bogo123 Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Don't do this and don't do that. Do this and don't do that. Don't look desperate, don't say that. All horse apples. Never fear loss. Ask for what you want. If she walks, that's her perogative, just like it's your perogative to walk if she doesn't agree to exclusivity. But I do have to pose a question to you. Why would it take her telling you about someone else before you wanted an exclusive relationship with her? Are you sure she's what you really want or is competition getting your dander up? Better decide what you really want before taking any action. You might be right. I feel I might lose her to the competition so I want to be exclusive to keep her for myself only. Is that selfish? Well, im gonna give it a little more time and then ask her to be exclusive. If not then I will move on.
Carm Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 This all depends what YOU are ok with. You said its been a couple of months, I think I would have a problem after that amount of time if the guy was still multi-dating....but again if its ok with you then I say its okay. I was in a similiar situation a few years ago, this guy was honest and said I was one of three he's still dating and while it might be cool for some people it wasn't cool with me. Good luck.
daphne Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Be glad that she was honest with you so you can make a decision. The person I was seeing still wouldn't tell me what he wanted. But he mentioned meeting his parents and taking a trip, and talked about our "relationship." But he was still looking. Personally, I wasn't comfortable with it. I have had a hard time with it because I know that I'm in the minority. I also know that if I don't really like the guy, I don't care how many people he's dating. But if I don't like him that much, what's the point? You decide what makes you happy. If you're not on the same page at some point when you feel you have to have it, you should move on. No harm, no foul. You're just different.
threebyfate Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 You might be right. I feel I might lose her to the competition so I want to be exclusive to keep her for myself only. Is that selfish? Well, im gonna give it a little more time and then ask her to be exclusive. If not then I will move on.No, not selfish. Human. Do take your time in considering exclusivity. Make a mental list of likes and dislikes. If likes are all about the superficial and don't likes are all about the internals, this doesn't sound like the makings for a relationship.
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