took her back, but I found out she lied!

[Wizaad]

My girlfriend ended our 1 yr relationship since last October, we broke up six days ago on Friday, we had a loving trust-filled relationship (so i thought), We never argued and i felt we had great communication on the things we did dis-agree on. (She is bisexual and non-religious but i knew that going into our relationship. I am straight and spiritual but not religious.) Im still in love with her.

 

On Friday night (six days ago), after not hearing from her for nearly a week because she had school work, she comes over to my place crying. She tells me that there are all these problems in our relationship. she says we have such differing philosophical ideas, she being super into hard science and me being very spiritual and esoteric.She said that if we were to become the epitome of what we want (her a doctor and me a Master of Japanese Budo)that we would be lying to people by being together. she said that now being in school her beliefs are being strengthened and she thinks that what i believe in is dangerous and untrue. She said that she felt we just talk past each other and don't really listen to one another when we have heart to hearts. she tells me that we actually had these problems one month in to our twelve month relationship. These problems had been stewing for eleven months with out my knowledge. she says that she doesn't know how to fix the problem (of our differing philosophies).

 

I calm her down and let her know that we can figure it out. I knew that we had differing ideas but i had no issues with it, and she never told me she had a problem. so we talk for four hours. she decides we should get some late night Chinese take out (some of her favorite) and we order some, we drive out to the place and she "forgot her purse", so as a gentleman I, of course, get the check. I knew this was a bad move but i didn't want to upset the situation because, already being inquisitive and suspicious, wanted to see if i couldn't get her to stop beating around the bush about our problems.

 

I try to hold her hand and get no response. she was very "friend" like while we drove back, and while we ate, it felt like when we went on our second date more as strangers than lovers. but we talk some more and she becomes more like the lover i knew. once we were done eating i brought up the problem again, and asked what she wanted to do, break up or stay together. She didn't answer, instead she got under the covers and smiled. We didn't have sex that night though. I rolled with it, and knew I'd get some more info tomorrow morning when I bring it up again.

 

Saturday morning, we wake up early and I take her over to her place to pick up some clothes and books to do a huge paper (she is a 4.0 student and school is super stressful for her). While we're at her place she finds out her nook is broken and she has to do 20 hours worth of work all over again, which was impossible with the time constraints. She gets super upset but we still go back to my place. She breaks down into tears once we get inside, and we have a huge talk. she tells me that she can't balance her school work with our relationship. She says we shouldn't see each other for a while.

 

Sunday I spend running, working out, seeing my friends and recovering from the relationship.

 

Monday school, She drops off my jacket she had, but she asks me if i want to study with her, i say yes, and we go to a nearby park to study. we laugh and talk and read our textbooks, felt good, like what friends after a realtionship would feel like. it gets dark and i take her back to her car. later that night i get a text saying "I would like to talk to you tomorrow if you have some time,would that be ok?" i reply "sure, im free after 530, does that work" she says ummhmm works great :)" I dont reply back.

 

Tuesday school but there is a tornado warning, i dont really care about that, but she texts me "FYI, Tornado warning in (downtown) coming to (up town). Be safe K?" I reply "so i hear, I will! you too!".

 

that evening, we were gonna meet at 5:30pm, and i texted her to see if she still wanted to talk. she didn't reply until 6pm, "so sorry i dint reply sooner! i was driving and didn't notice my phone going off. my essay is taking 4ever to write so i wont be free until after 8pm. but if that's too late and u we can chat some other time." so i cleaned my apartment till 8pm, and she came over. we sat down and she said "I think i made a mistake." i ask her what she means, she says "I shouldn't have broken up with you." I asked her why. and she told me that she had received her test back got a 97% and she realized she shouldn't freak out about school. I asked her about our problems. she said that they were a big deal before but they arn't anymore. I asked her what had changed.

 

She said that she had talked to her mom before break up with out telling her that she hadn't talked to me about these issues (her mother agreed she should break up), then she talked to her mom later after our break up and her mom realized my GF hand't talked with me and told her that she was stupid for breaking up with out first talking about the issues. she apologized to me, but never said why. I assumed that she meant for the hurt and pain of getting dumped. I took her back but i told her that she broke my trust and that it would take time and effort to get it back but that i still loved her and am willing to give her a second chance. (this my first "second chance" i have ever given out of seven failed relationships. and could be my last)

 

so we talk and rejoice that we are back together, we do homework together and talk about our break up and how other people reacted to it and what we did afterwards, it was very refreshing and we can talk about such things with ease. but she, i think, slipped too much information in these conversations. she told me that she actually asked a girl from her bio class out on monday. i dont know if they actually went on a date on monday, or if they planned for one later or both, but she said "oh man, i have to cancel with (that girl) our date, hope she'll be alright!" i of course just listened in confusion. I didn't call her out on it because she was feeding me more information. She said that she asked her out then realized she didn't want to be with (that girl), she wanted to be with me, and she missed me. I told her I wasn't surprised that she would seek a girl after me. I suspected it, which is why i didn't really see into what she was telling me inadvertantly. I did some reasearch later the next day, and saw that the girl was indeed catholic. good for that girl but it dawned on me that my ex, now my GF, fed me bull**** about our "problems" and differing philosophies, waited ONE DAY after our break up and ASKED OUT A CATHOLIC, they had a date set up! (she thinks most religion is fake).

 

i just realized this yesterday night (wednesday) and we are gonna hang out at 8pm today. I'm planning on asking her about these holes and see if i can get some straight answers. The thing is, she did a similar thing to her last boyfriend, where when she was dating me it was less than a week after her breaking up with him. I want this new reconciliation to work and transform into something better than what we used to have. But if she lied to me before we broke up in order to break up, whats to stop her from doing it again? she could easily see other people on the side because our relationship status on FB remains "single" and she didn't want us to put our FB status's back to "in a relationship wit..." because she "didn't want people she hasn't seen in ten years posting on relationship status."

 

I have formulated my own opinion of this, but I'd like to hear what y'all have to say.

 

so my question to y'all is

 

*why would she make up trivial reasons to break up with me?

 

*Why, after setting up a date with a pretty girl and having her school anxiety relieved, come back to me for a second chance?

 

*Why would she wait only one day to ask another person out after our break up?

 

Any thing helpful would be greatly appreciated!

 

Thank you!

Edited October 28, 2010 by Wizaad

[Jayerjay]

Hi Wizaad, interesting story. She is definitely sending some confusing signals. First off, in my opinion she may very well be giving you honest reasons. I'm sure she was looking to go on the date with the other girl to get her mind off you and just go out and have fun. She likely wasn't looking at this girl as serious potential for a relationship, rather just someone to enjoy and someone new to hang out with. At least that's not where my mindset would be after a breakup (everyone is different though).

 

But you're right, there's probably a root cause to the more trivial problems that she presented. She's going to be the only one to be able to tell you what that is. Why ask someone new out right away? To get over you and rebound. She did the same thing with her BF before you, right? Sounds like that's just how she reacts in these situations.

 

And why did she come back to you for a second chance? Sometimes we don't realize what we have until we're faced with losing it, or sometimes we're just scared to be alone once we're faced with that option.

 

She sounds confused. If you're not going to be able to trust her anymore though, there's not going to be a future until you can rebuild that. You'll just end up resenting her, so it's going to have to work out one way or the other.

 

Good luck.

[lapse]

Hi Wizaad, interesting story. She is definitely sending some confusing signals. First off, in my opinion she may very well be giving you honest reasons. I'm sure she was looking to go on the date with the other girl to get her mind off you and just go out and have fun. She likely wasn't looking at this girl as serious potential for a relationship, rather just someone to enjoy and someone new to hang out with. At least that's not where my mindset would be after a breakup (everyone is different though).

 

Agreed. She wouldn't be that worried about someone's philosophies until there were some long-term possibilities and potential collisions.

 

As an aside, though: the best way not to end up with long-term problems is not to start relationships with people you know are incompatible with you. That's happened to me - planned to date someone for entertainment and ended up liking them more than I'd wanted to, which posed problems.

[Wizaad]

Thanks Jayerjay and Lapse for the timely replies. Your comments have been helpful! I wasn't sure what really the date thing was all about, but how javerjay put it made a lot of sense.

 

lapse that is a good point about her seeing possible collisions.

 

In roughly two hours me and her will figure out if we can make this work. I'll post an update either tonight or tomorrow depending on how it goes.

 

Thanks again!

[Wizaad]

As an aside, though: the best way not to end up with long-term problems is not to start relationships with people you know are incompatible with you. That's happened to me - planned to date someone for entertainment and ended up liking them more than I'd wanted to, which posed problems.

 

most definitely agreed, we met at a mutual gathering of friends, she asked me out and we dated for three weeks before getting serious, I knew she was non-religious, loved science, and was an academic achiever, which was a bit different from me, who is spiritual, is a writer/artist and is an average student. but I fell in love who she was and those differences are a potent part of my love for her! But we'll see how it goes

 

Thank you!

[Wizaad]

Last night, we studied together, we havn't discussed this issue yet because i noticed something different about her that i wanted to observe. There have been some changes, internally, and I've noticed them. she has become a bit more mellow, not so high energy, almost a sobering of sorts. before things got weird and we broke up she was very boisterous and ecstatic, she would actively show me affection, last night was a super toned down version of herself, there is a distance but not a disconnect. She's been telling me about these small things I do that she doesn't like, in a very mature manner, that i have never known she didn't like, I was happy to adjust, they were such small things. hrmmm, perhaps this is the start of the untangling of "problems" that she has never told me about. We'll see what happens tomorrow!

[atage26]

I hate liars. And i'm not answeering your Qs. I think u shld just forget her and her probs and not give ***K why she broke up with u etc. I've learned the LONG way that ppl will lie whenever they want to. We can't force them to tell the truth if they don't want to.

 

Just don't care.

[vivrantflo]

I don't trust her at all.

 

When people start nit picking about small things they don't like, they are just trying to justify their actions. I would be very, very careful man, cause I sense that another break up is just around the corner.