Already been intimate/sexual, now she wants to “wait”. Not sure what to think.

[MikeBarrow9]

I started dating this girl about a month & half ago, we’ve slept together three times, first time was a month after we started dating.

 

Even after the first time she joked about how she couldn’t believe how she gave it up like that, making it seem like she rushed it.

 

She was over last week and I was trying to be intimate with her again. We were touchy and in the bedroom but she said she wasn’t up for having sex. She further went on to say how she has a lot of things on her mind with family, friends and work and that she wasn’t in the mood, which I acknowledged and left as is.

 

After we started talking she said how she felt like she rushed into have sex with me and that we should wait a bit before being intimate again, in that she needed to feel comfortable (in a mindful/sober state I assume). It also came up that she thought part of her wants a relationship now but another part doesn’t think she’s ready for a relationship now (she kept the tone neutral, mentioning a relationship in general, not a relationship with me).

 

I’m left a little puzzled, part of me certainly understands her logic behind saying that in that she wants to take it slow because she likes me, and where this is going and doesn’t want to rush it for the chance on what it could turn into (or is my thinking wrong here?). The other part of me doesn’t understand because if there was a strong bond/connection and since the ice is already broken she should feel the desire to want to be intimate again (as I do).

 

We have tentative plans to spend the next weekend at a B&B, so one thing that she may have mentioned was that she wanted to save things for that weekend, but again looking to have the rationale explained to me here.

[Sabali]

 

I’m left a little puzzled, part of me certainly understands her logic behind saying that in that she wants to take it slow because she likes me, and where this is going and doesn’t want to rush it for the chance on what it could turn into (or is my thinking wrong here?). The other part of me doesn’t understand because if there was a strong bond/connection and since the ice is already broken she should feel the desire to want to be intimate again (as I do).

 

 

You are right. The ice has been broken and she should have no problem continuing with sexual activity. While women can go backwards with sex a lot easier than us men don't do. Once we start getting it, we want more and lots of it.

 

Her backpedaling is not a good sign. I would ease up a bit and give her a bit more space. Now is not the time to think you will change every thing by calling her a lot and trying to stay up under her.

 

Don't stop being sexual but don't apply pressure either. Remain cool and be patient. Find other foci in your life for right now. If she drifts away, don't chase after her in desperation. It will only get drawn out and a bit unsightly. This approach is mostly for your own well-being.

[welikeincrowds]

While women can go backwards with sex a lot easier than us men don't do. Once we start getting it, we want more and lots of it.

 

Not true, I've backpedaled. But the reasons were more complex than "I don't know if I'm that into her." That was one of the concerns, but it wasn't a solid reason. Frankly, I couldn't really explain it if I tried. I simply wasn't into it, so I didn't pursue it. Regardless, it was not indicative of my future passion. They were momentary doubts -- and doubt is an emotion, one complicated enough to be based in more than one reason, or be irrational.

 

That said I agree with your advice. I never heard "foci" before but damn, I guess it's really the plural of focus. OP, don't let this throw you. And don't forget about the attractive person -- individual -- you were when you very first started dating.

[BackUpOrGetStung]

I agree with the two above posters. I think you should back way off of her, and if she doesn't want to have sex on your weekend getaway, you need to at least start seeing other women and/or break up with her.

 

It would be one thing if she made you wait, but taking things off the menu is unacceptable. The weekend together coming up should be very telling. Like I said, you should at least start seeing others if she's not interested during this time, but personally I'd just break up with her and tell her to call if she changes her mind about the intimacy of your relationship(this part is important, it lets her know that it's not "just sex", but emotional for you too).

Edited October 28, 2010 by BackUpOrGetStung

[Sabali]

Not true, I've backpedaled. .

 

How can it not be true? Reread my statement... I said "it's a lot easier" for women. I didn't say men can't do it. "Easier" is a comparative word, of course, and the context of someone actually being interested in the woman.

[welikeincrowds]

How can it not be true? Reread my statement... I said "it's a lot easier" for women. I didn't say men can't do it. "Easier" is a comparative word, of course, and the context of someone actually being interested in the woman.

 

My b, I read "men don't do" and went from there.

 

But my point wasn't to prove you "wrong" or anything. I used that sentence as a counterpoint to give an example of the sort of mindset she might be having, and how it should inform the OP, but not worry him.

[Sabali]

My b, I read "men don't do" and went from there.

 

But my point wasn't to prove you "wrong" or anything. I used that sentence as a counterpoint to give an example of the sort of mindset she might be having, and how it should inform the OP, but not worry him.

 

 

No problem. The "don't" in "don't do" was a typo. I can see how it could be confusing.

[carhill]

OP, you go to B&B's for romantic, passionate weekends with an intimate partner or to augment/revive marriages, not with someone who is unclear if they want a relationship.

 

Cancel the B&B and date other woman whom you deem attractive. I'm sure this lady can find someone else (or already has) to unconfuse her. Good luck

[Tim The Enchanter]

I agree that it's not a good sign, especially the bit about her not being sure of a relationship. I'm happy to go without sex at the beginning of a relationship, so long as I know the interest in me is still there. It seems that even her interest is questionable, so I would back right off.

[that girl]

I don't think it is necessarily a terrible sign.

 

She had sex with you twice and both times immediately doubted whether or not she should have.

 

You've only been dating 6 weeks or so.

 

I'm getting the feeling that she is either just out of a relationship or she's only had sex with one other person.

 

If you like her, I would flat out ask her what she wants. Does she still want to go on the B&B trip? What does she think will happen?

It would be one thing if she made you wait, but taking things off the menu is unacceptable

So what, she should continue sleeping with him even if she feels uncomfortable with it?

[carhill]

She absolutely should not have sex with him if she feels uncomfortable about it and he should absolutely not consider continuing to date her if he feels that her lack of sexual interest, combined with her ambivalence about being in a relationship, is a dealbreaker for him.

 

OP, any past experience here? I knew, even as someone who lost their virginity late in life, that healthy women don't 'back up' in relationships; relationships progress, even with plateaus.

 

TBH, her verbiage of 'giving it up' would be a turn-off for myself, as sex isn't something I believe is given up, rather a sharing of one's body. It's not a reward nor a prize. The fact that she combined 'give it up' with 'that fast' tells me she's sexually experienced, and the fact that you both waited a month (quite a long time in this modern age) before your first time, tell me she is pretty deliberate here. She knows what she's doing. I don't know what 'it' is, but the methodology is one I've seen before.

 

OP, how about resolving what *you* want and communicating that to her? Face disagreement and possible rejection. What do you want?

[MikeBarrow9]

Events have changed to where we are not going to spend the few days away in wine country next weekend because she feels as though it is too soon. I understand where she is coming from and I relayed that to her. But that leads me to think about what's going on now?

[mmk1]

Mike, my friend, she is done with you. The reason why does not matter. Just cut her loose, it is over. Next!

[reservoirdog1]

None of what you described sounds good.

 

If she were really into you, she wouldn't pull back and question whether or not she could be in a relationship at all right now (which, sorry to say, is code for "relationship with YOU"). The fact that you'd had sex already would make her want it even more.

 

I suspect she got swept up in lust, and that's why she had sex with you those few times. Happens to everybody.

 

Basically, in my view this boils down to "she's just not that into you." That's nobody's fault, it's just the way it goes sometimes. It's good that the B&B plan has been cancelled; that would probably have been very awkward, a waste of money, and not a lot of fun for either of you.

 

If there's still a question in your mind, you should stop initiating contact with her. If she wants to see you or talk to you, she'll contact you. If she doesn't, she won't, and then you'll have your answer definitively.

[MikeBarrow9]

I think everyone raises some good points.

 

I do like her, but definitely do not think it's safe to rush things, though my actions MAY have spoken differently at times. Yes we were both drunk-ish when we had sex the first two times, and to me I think her telling me she wants to wait and get to know me more is a good sign (?), in that she enjoys our time together and doesn't want to rush into things (be it too late or not)... I don't think she pegs to keep me around and play the "friend' card, but who knows stranger things have happened.

 

My plan is to play it out like I have been without attacking it as clingly or boyfriendish and simply as a friend who is a girl, that I share common interests with and enjoy hanging out with. If something happens it happens but definitely not going to try to push for it or get my head clouded with emotions.

[MikeBarrow9]

"My plan is to play it out like I have been without attacking it as clingly or boyfriendish and simply as a friend who is a girl, that I share common interests with and enjoy hanging out with. If something happens it happens but definitely not going to try to push for it or get my head clouded with emotions."

 

What I mean is to treat her as a friend who is a girl, that is.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I think everyone raises some good points.

I do like her, but definitely do not think it's safe to rush things, though my actions MAY have spoken differently at times. Yes we were both drunk-ish when we had sex the first two times, and to me I think her telling me she wants to wait and get to know me more is a good sign (?), in that she enjoys our time together and doesn't want to rush into things (be it too late or not)... I don't think she pegs to keep me around and play the "friend' card, but who knows stranger things have happened.

My plan is to play it out like I have been without attacking it as clingly or boyfriendish and simply as a friend who is a girl, that I share common interests with and enjoy hanging out with. If something happens it happens but definitely not going to try to push for it or get my head clouded with emotions.

 

Mike, she probably isn't getting the butterflies.

 

Don't be her friend. Your going to lose going that route.

 

I suggest 2 things. First, make sure she feels... not knows... feels your attraction to her. Do some romantic stuff, but when you kiss her, be aggressive,strong and passionate, gentle too. Also make sure that she feels your attracted to her mind/heart/personality.

 

Second, back off a bit. Plan an activity with her, then give her some space until it's appropriate to contact her. If she wants to talk to you. That's great, be witty and charming. Otherwise just lay low.

 

If none of that works... her head and heart are somewhere else.