Soon to be father in law planning to get hitched 2 weeks before my wedding...advice??

[Lynx21]

Background info...I am 23 my fiance is 28 we've been together 7 years now, last october my fiance proposed and we planned an April 23rd wedding which will be our 7 year anniversary. Very close with my fiance's father and his new chick whom supposedly they've known eachother for 20 years and have waited to be together and finally can. Last July they got together and during dinner last week drop a bomb and tell us they are planning a April 10th JP wedding with a dinner celebration with about 15 couples. They made a comment about how they want to get it out of the way so we can focus on ours....Am I crazy??? why would you jump in 2 weeks before your son and do that....out of every month in the year!! In my opinion it is inconsiderate and rude so I brought it up with my fiance and asked him if he could please ask his father nicely out of respect for us and the fact that april is one of the busiest months of our lives considering the fact that we are having a destination wedding and ask him to move the date up to around June. Am I right is saying that......I'd like to know what anyone thinks about this or if it were to happen to you what you would do...Thanks

[dyermaker]

It's a bit tacky, but it's also none of your business.

 

Either get over it, or move your own wedding date--I'd reccomend the first.

[brashgal]

It's one day, actually just an afternoon and evening - if they are getting married in a civil ceremony they aren't going to have a lot of other activities like showers, rehearsal dinners, etc and you won't be planning their wedding will you? Are they planning on being gone on a honeymoon when you might need them for last minute help with you wedding? If not, relax - let them have their nice evening and celebrate with them.

[SoleMate]

Sorry, you don't own a copyright on the month of April. Make time to celebrate for your loved ones just like you're hoping they will celebrate for you. Like he said, they're having a quick ceremony and getting it out of the way, no doubt inspired by your example of selfless love. Buy more champagne if anyone's uptight.

[befuddled11]

Hi there,

No offense, but I don't understand what the big deal is. Sure, April is a busy month for you, but what does that have to do with them getting married? You're not expected to help plan/carry out their wedding, are you? How is their "one day" going to in any way impact the planning of, and carrying out of your wedding?

 

I wonder if maybe you're just a little miffed thinking father inlaw and wife to be will in some way be "stealing your thunder"..and maybe that's the underlying cause of your dismay?

 

I think it would be awfully rude and selfish to ask them to change the date they've got planned.

 

Are we missing something here? How does their wedding 2 weeks before yours impact your wedding?

[DerangedAngel]

Like others, I'm not seeing why it is such a big deal. Can you not be happy for them as I am sure they are happy for you?

 

I wonder if maybe you're just a little miffed thinking father inlaw and wife to be will in some way be "stealing your thunder"..and maybe that's the underlying cause of your dismay?

 

If that is what's bothering you, you should know your father in law's marriage is in no way going to make your marriage ceremony a "lesser event". C'mon! Everything will be fine. I wouldn't even mention anything to the other couple, their feelings will surely be hurt. Support them like you want to be supported.

 

And congratulations on your engagement.

 

Best of luck!

 

-Deranged

[moimeme]

Having organized a wedding myself, I figure it might have to do with the fact that they may be in the thick of arrangements so soon before their own wedding and this other wedding is placing undue pressure on them.

[beufddled11]

Originally posted by moimeme

Having organized a wedding myself, I figure it might have to do with the fact that they may be in the thick of arrangements so soon before their own wedding and this other wedding is placing undue pressure on them.

 

I gathered from her post that her FIL and his bride-to-be won't be having a large wedding...just something small with a few couples present. How will the poster and her fiance attending something that's likely a couple hours long, going to in any way get in the way of her wedding planning, or put undue pressure on her? I too have planned a wedding.....a fairly good sized one, in fact....and looking back, I can't see what the big deal would have been had there been another wedding in the family a couple weeks before mine. I'd have thought, "Good for them!"........sorry, I guess I'm just missing something here. It doesn't sound like the FIL is having this big grand fancy-smancy wedding that nobody can compete with.

 

If anything, she should be HAPPY for her FIL...that he's in love, is happy and wants to commit his life to someone, and have someone to grow old with. Afterall..isn't that the most important thing?

[moimeme]

Still why hold it right then? I agree with the poster that it could have been arranged in any of 12 months quite easily.

[Errol]

I'm in accord with most of the replies. What is the big deal? The FIL said it was a JP wedding and was considerate enough to 'get it out of the way' so they could concentrate on your wedding.

 

I've been involved with planning a large wedding and believe it or not, life goes on all around the couple and the people involved in the big wedding. The entire focus and lives of the bride and groom in the 'big event' wedding may be on the wedding, but its not the focal point of life for everyone else. The FIL is in love and getting married too - that's great - help celebrate their union and help your own groom enjoy and be happy that he is going to have a new step-mother. This is an event in his life too and I'm sure he would like to start things off well and not with an argument over wedding dates!

 

Take a deep breath, step back and relax.

[Lynx21]

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice, it's not just the fact that they decided to plan this date right before ours but also the soon to be step mom herself...background info, she was talking about getting married a month after they got together and in her words "she is going to take out a full length ad in the paper so everyone will see" she is very childish and in some respects it is all a show to her. She wants to shove it in everyones face especially my fiances mother who couldn't give a damn anyway. She made a comment about being "announced" at the reception as husband and wife when little does she know we're not even doing that. My FIL is not the marrying type, a gigilo if you want to call him that but she is the mastermind behind pushing for this wedding specifically to show off at ours and thats not right and uncalled for. She did not even ask me if we had any events going on for our wedding....my bridal shower was originally on their planned wedding day but got switched because of other conflicts, I don't know to me it's just a lack of respect....just like my fiance didn't propose to me until after my brothers wedding last year because it's not fair to them ,it's their time to shine so why should we take that away from them. Anyways thanks for the replies.....I'll have to repost about the outcome

[befuddled11]

So with the extra info you've now provided, it would seem that the problem you have with them getting married 2 weeks before yours is so that the FIL's new wife can "gloat" at YOUR wedding, that "they are the big married couple"? Did I understand that right? If so, I can then better understand the problem you have with all this....but hey, think about it....it's not the wedding day that matters.......it's the MARRIAGE that matters. You and your soon to be husband have hopefully, the rest of your lives to share together.....that's what should matter most, not one day out of your lives.

 

And as for your quote below:

 

 

Originally posted by Lynx21

just like my fiance didn't propose to me until after my brothers wedding last year because it's not fair to them ,it's their time to shine so why should we take that away from them.

 

What's this about it not being fair to them? and "time to shine"? I guess I just have different views on things. I don't buy into the whole "stealing my thundrer" mindset. If a guy wants to propose marriage to his gal, he should be able to do it anytime, anyplace....when he feels it's right, without having to worry about impacting anyone's "time to shine." The "shining" isn't what's important.....it's the marriage and the commitment to share a life together, and following through on that that's what's critical. All the "time to shine" in the world isn't going to necessarily keep a marriage together. I think people sometimes just get their priorities mixed up...and they lose sight of what really matters.

 

Good luck though.

[lynx 21]

I agree with you that it is the marriage that counts but obviously she doesn't see it this way thats why she is pushing for it so badly. It's not about people having their priorities mixed up....the planning and preparation for a wedding is tedious and at times very stressful so in reference to my brothers wedding my fiance had enough respect for them to want everyone to focus on their day and their joy and all the work they did for 2 years to have their wedding be all about them and not the fact that I was proposed to.

[cdn]

So with the The "shining" isn't what's important.....it's the marriage and the commitment to share a life together, and following through on that that's what's critical. All the "time to shine" in the world isn't going to necessarily keep a marriage together. I think people sometimes just get their priorities mixed up...and they lose sight of what really matters.

 

Amen to that :-)

 

I sometimes think that, for women especially, the real test of whether they truly want to be married is whether they'd be willing to forgo the wedding, i.e., take vows but none of the hoopla that goes with a wedding per se. Seems that for some folks, the wedding is way more important than the marriage.

 

A healthy dose of reality might be this: except for the bride and groom and possibly their immediate families, most people won't care and even fewer will remember what your wedding is like.

[lynx21]

the real test of whether they truly want to be married is whether they'd be willing to forgo the wedding, i.e., take vows but none of the hoopla that goes with a wedding per se. Seems that for some folks, the wedding is way more important than the marriage.

 

 

 

Thats exactly what we're doing, going to Florida and having a small ceremony with a few family and friends. We've been together long enough that we don't need all the traditional hoopla but when it comes to your only son and the biggest day of his life why do you feel the need to rush your own wedding.......

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by lynx 21

my fiance had enough respect for them to want everyone to focus on their day and their joy and all the work they did for 2 years to have their wedding be all about them and not the fact that I was proposed to.

 

I'm not putting you down, I admit it was thoughtful and respectful of your fiance to wait until after your brother's wedding to propose to you...he did what he felt was right.......but geez, it took them *2 yrs* to plan their wedding? Not to diss them or anything, I'm sure they're not the only couple out there who took such a great length of time to plan their wedding day.....but this just reinforces my belief that it's a real shame that couples devote so much attention and effort into ONE DAY OF THEIR LIFE.....and not nearly as much attention and effort into their actual marriage.

 

More than 50% of marriages end in divorce.......so what good was all that intensive planning for the perfect day? It obviously didn't impact their ability to remain committed for life.

 

And yes, Cdn, I totally agree with you.

 

Maybe I'm biased because I have been married (and am divorced)..but I do remember all the planning that went into my wedding......all of the stress and BS and cost and fretting and wanting so much to please all the family and guests and the pressure....and the lost sleep, and wanting to make sure everything was perfect........yet did it make any difference in my marriage? No. And in fact, if someone were to ask me what the worst, most stressful day of my life was, I'd say it was my wedding. I didn't enjoy it at all. By the time tha day arrived, I was exhausted. So exhausted that I wasn't even able to fully focus on the deeper meaning of that day. I remember being so happy when the day was over, and we were on our way back to the hotel.......and no, not for sex....but because my feet killed me and I desperately needed sleep.

 

Should I find the right guy this time, and be able to marry again, I will keep it simple....and not let myself feel pressured into anything. I just want someone good to spend my life with..I couldn't give a rip's butt about the decorations or the dress or the flowers or the decor. None of that will matter in the long run. Women DO get so carried away here, and I don't know why. some spend thousands of dollars on a stupid dress...what for? It will not have any impact, whatsoever, on whether your marriage lasts.

 

If couples put as much effort into their marriage, and keeping it together, as they do in planning that one day event, there'd be a lot less divorces, I think.

[lynx21]

Befuddled I totally agree with you but to explain the only reason they waited two years is because they put everything off until the last minute and knew it would take 2 years to get going lol My fiance and I took into account the fact that in our hearts we are already married to eachother and have been for 7 years in a committed relationship so we don't need the "show" I cannot wait for my wedding day I've been anticipating it for a long time now and have done everything I wanted to do the way I wanted it without spending a boatload. We are not having a cake and instead enlisting our guests to bake us one for a "cake table" no photographer just cameras on each table ect our own little touches went into it...no limo we're decorating our f-150 pickup and riding in that lol I do hope if you should have the oppotunity to fall in love and marry again you do it your way