Limbo

[CakeEatersWife]

DH continues his EA with out of town person.

 

On a recently holiday, I saw that she had emailed him some happy wishes and signed the email "All my love".

 

I checked his email sent file today and found that he had emailed her the same day, at 7 am. Just a simple "wishing you a happy holiday and hope all is well." I sent a copy to myself and left the footprint in his Sent folder. I'm hoping he will see that I sent myself a copy.

 

We went to NYC for my birthday. We saw a show and right after, DH literally sprints to this bakery that he wants to buy me some cheesecake as a surprise. Now, he knows that I don't care for cheesecake except from Carnegie's, which is creamy and different than regular cheesecake. So we get a piece of cake and sit outside in the freezing cold. The cake is AWFUL. I ask him, who recommended this place? His face FROZE like a deer in the headlights. Ah, I think I know who. He tells me our friend Rob. I say, I didn't think you were telling him we were coming to town. When did he make this recommendation? There's that look again while his brain calculates some new lie. Maybe it wasn't Rob. Maybe it was something he saw on the Food Channel (not likely). He kept looking at his watch and looking around the sidewalk, so I wondered if she was supposed to casually walk by or run into him by chance, or if they just planned to exchange glances. I just sat there and watched him. He was getting angry, so the 16 block walk back to the hotel (heaven forbid he would take a taxi) was brisk and silent.

 

He wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the day. Finally I asked if he planned to have dinner and out we go and start walking again -- heading in the direction of the street I know this woman lives on (her address is in our accounting program, and I do the books). Finally he decides on this restaurant that is at the corner of Broadway and her street. While we waited to be served, I made some chit chat about the city, then asked him if he was still doing business with her. He wouldn't even look up from the table, but said no, that she had been a big waste of his time and none of the business panned out.

 

That is what made me decide to check the emails. There was an email from her as recently as this morning. It was all business, about a client needing artwork.

 

I'm hoping he sees that I forwarded myself that email. I plan to tell him that based on the time of day the email was sent on a non-work day, it seems to me that she was on his mind and their relationship meant enough to him that he wanted to send her that email. I am sure that he did not send holiday wishes to any other clients on that day, only her. He has known her long enough that communicating with her makes him happy, and I think at this stage in our lives, he should pursue what makes him happy.

 

And then let him do whatever he wants. I won't suggest he leave, although I'd love if he would. But he'll know that I have let him go.

[quankanne]

if your mind is truly made up that he needs to be happy elsewhere, what is stopping you from initiating the breakup? Pride? Anger? A need to be the victim? Reluctance to see the marriage end? A little bit of everything?

 

there's no rule that says you *must* stay in a failing marriage, though a sense of integrity dictates that you try, try y'alls best to recover the relationship before finally tossing the in towel, just to know you did everything possible to make it work.

 

honestly am not trying to fuss at you or make you feel rotten about this, just hoping you look at all your options, you know?

[2sunny]

since you have already detached and made up your mind - simply tell him to get the f out!

 

take your power back by taking some action in your own life.

 

freedom i tell you - it will be very freeing for you!

[Confused4Now]

since you have already detached and made up your mind - simply tell him to get the f out!

 

take your power back by taking some action in your own life.

 

freedom i tell you - it will be very freeing for you!

I will never understand why people do this to themselves... they obviously didn't have that problem when they were single and dating....if you are unhappy and feel that your settling then get the FU*K out.

[desertIslandCactus]

How long has this been going on and what's your limbo about CEW.

[WonderingWhatIf]

I think you need to be very direct with him. None of this forwarding emails, then hoping he sees that you forwarded it to yourself stuff. You just need to be direct and tell him what you know. If he isn't willing to stop all of the side stuff, then be gone. If your love is already dead as a result of his actions, then let him know and move on and make yourself a better life.

[florence of suburbia]

I would like to hear more about Carnegie's Cheesecake please.

 

http://www.carnegiedeli.com/home.php

[PegNosePete]

I sent a copy to myself and left the footprint in his Sent folder. I'm hoping he will see that I sent myself a copy.

Stop it with the passive aggressive stuff. If you've got proof of his affair, confront him. Waiting for him to figure out that you know and confess all is pointless, you will be 80 years old before he does.

[jthorne]

Just me, but I would forward the emails back to him from your email address with a note that he should have his things packed up by the end of the weekend. OR pack him some bags, change the locks, leave the bags at the door with copies of the emails on top.

 

Obviously, he has his head so far up... you know... that he won't check his sent mail to know you've sent them to yourself. If you wait for him to "get it", you'll be waiting till rapture.

[CakeEatersWife]

Dogbert, your post made me laugh. The Carnegie's cheesecake is truly fabulous.

 

"A need to be the victim?" Seriously, Quankanne? No, not in any way; what a bizarre reply. When someone comes here to vent, generally people don't say such a hateful thing. Need to be a victim for what or for whom? What does that gain anyone? I just find that statement to be so out of nowhere and igorant in the context of this forum.

 

I suppose after 30 years of marriage and being business partners, it isn't easy to just pick up and walk out. I've posted about this before. I'm not going to screw over my employees and leave their jobs in jeopardy. There are obligations for other peopled tied to my relationship with DH; it isn't just me and him and you go your way and I'll go mine; that isn't easily accomplished.

 

DH and his family wrote the book on Passive Aggressive. I have certainly picked up on their bad traits over the years. Thanks for point that out.

 

Last evening I started working on my exit strategy plan. Every evening I'm going to start going through things at the house and donate, sell or trash all the unused, unnecessary accummulation. We pared down a lot when we moved to a smaller house in 2008, but there is still too much stuff. The next thing is creating a manual that gives full details on how to do my job - accounting procedures, payroll, collections, vendor contracts -- all the invisible things I do that keeps the cash flowing around here that would come to a screeching halt if I walked out (which I did for a day this past summer). Every password is in my head. Only the accountant knows what bank accounts we have other than me.

 

Then I'll seek out a counselor. We've been to marriage counselors before and because DH didn't like what he was hearing (that he has boundary issues and that he likes being the flame that the moths' flock to) , he refused to go back. This would be for just me and more of a "move away from marriage" counseling.

 

The only reason I don't confront him, is we've had this show-down more than a dozen times and he always turns it around on me and breaks me down with hateful insults. He completely ignores any physical proof and just hammers that he is sick of be accused and he's had enough and all the same things that cheaters say to deflect back. So confrontation is pointless. I already know where it will go and what will be said and nothing fixed.

 

My venting here just helps me put into writing what I feel and how I need to be, and that I need to do something to move forward in a positive way that won't leave a trail of collateral damage.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy or acknowledgement as some kind of victim. I know full well that I've opened this door by not walking out years ago when I should have (thinking it would be bad for the kids and knowing how awful my niece and nephew had it growing up because my sister and their father got divorced (it was BAD, BAD, BAD). I always thought that when the kids were all grown and on their own (youngest is a junior in college, so pretty much have reached that milestone), it would be easy to say thanks, I'm ready to move on. But I got sucked into the business more and more (one of my biggest failing is the inability to say "no" -- my religious background as a child was drilled into me that if you can help, you DO. To say no is to be selfish and sinful -- can't seem to shake that off.) I just need to structure it so when I leave, someone else can pick up and keep it going as before.

[CakeEatersWife]

Just me, but I would forward the emails back to him from your email address with a note that he should have his things packed up by the end of the weekend. OR pack him some bags, change the locks, leave the bags at the door with copies of the emails on top.

 

Obviously, he has his head so far up... you know... that he won't check his sent mail to know you've sent them to yourself. If you wait for him to "get it", you'll be waiting till rapture.

 

 

Good idea. I thought of sending it to his print que and having it print out "surprise" when he turns the computer on (takes it back and forth from the office to our home each day. Only ques to the printer at home.)

 

More PA pot stirring.

[PegNosePete]

Sounds like you've got your head screwed on properly. The time for the exit strategy is now. Given his behaviour it might make sense to not let him know what you're up to. Line all your ducks up and then hit him with the divorce papers.

[2sunny]

since you have already detached and made up your mind - simply tell him to get the f out!

 

take your power back by taking some action in your own life.

 

freedom i tell you - it will be very freeing for you!

 

counseling for you is good.

 

30 years... yep i know it well. it can be done and done civilly... even if he has cheated and you feel you don't need to put up with it anymore. what God would want THAT for you? civil? yep, i don't say unkind things about my exH to my children, THAT would hurt THEM. i allow them to have their own separate relationship with him;while maintaining my sense of family now with my kids. things change, and they are so good as the family unit still stays in tact - albeit in another form as when they were young... but this is so very nice too.

 

look, if Donald Trump could make a divorce happen after all those years married and owning a huge empire with his wife... YOU can too. IF you want to -you will make it happen.

 

i don't know any God that would have wanted me to pretend to be happy (the lie to self) while knowing that the man i was married to was disrespecting and dishonoring our marriage vows... why would God want me to betray myself and reward such bad behavior. you need to honor yourself first. what does that entail for you? for me, it involved cutting the betrayer out of my life so i could move forward and find a happy way to live each day.

 

since it looks like you have all the evidence you need - get busy living the life you've dreamed of having... having a cheater by your side does nothing but drag you down... the kids know it. create the life you were meant to live... always moving forward with NO regrets.

 

no excuses - life is too damn short to find ways to justify living with what we shouldn't have to live with.

 

we can get busy living or we can get busy dying... what's it gonna be for you?

[jthorne]

Good idea. I thought of sending it to his print que and having it print out "surprise" when he turns the computer on (takes it back and forth from the office to our home each day. Only ques to the printer at home.)

 

More PA pot stirring.

Yes, the print cue thing throws the ball in his court and expects him to do something with it. Packing bags with the emails on top leaves the ball in your court.

 

But I totally understand the business and financial obligations, and that you have things to do to prepare. But my point is waiting for him to take it upon himself to leave is different that YOU telling him to leave and not backing down from that.

 

It's been said before on other threads, and I'm kind of surprised it hasn't been said here- he's suffered basically no consequences for his actions. He's been given no real incentive to change. Expecting him to change just out of the goodness of his heart is like waiting for the IRS to be abolished.

[desertIslandCactus]

Yes CEW .. The exit strategy is of all importance, with finances ..and especially with the business involved.

[CakeEatersWife]

Any good reading recommendations? I did some Googling' yesterday but just kept coming up with life coach websites and I don't have a lot of respect for those people (BTW, the OW is a life coach ) Most of them are all "repair, repair" and I really want "here, let me help you find the exit sign"

[desertIslandCactus]

Any good reading recommendations? I did some Googling' yesterday but just kept coming up with life coach websites and I don't have a lot of respect for those people (BTW, the OW is a life coach ) Most of them are all "repair, repair" and I really want "here, let me help you find the exit sign"

 

Keep getting all financial ends tied up .. and how you would visualize the future .. with the company, etc - should you divorce.

 

In the meantime you can read and reinterate to yourself the Husband's Responsibility to his Wife. That should give you what you need to confront and dump (if necessary).

[2sunny]

Any good reading recommendations? I did some Googling' yesterday but just kept coming up with life coach websites and I don't have a lot of respect for those people (BTW, the OW is a life coach ) Most of them are all "repair, repair" and I really want "here, let me help you find the exit sign"

 

no need to read... just DO.

 

action - this calls for action.

 

see an attorney. tell H it's over. take care of YOU. learn what happy looks like for you.

[Fieldsofgold]

Dogbert, your post made me laugh. The Carnegie's cheesecake is truly fabulous.

 

"A need to be the victim?" Seriously, Quankanne? No, not in any way; what a bizarre reply. When someone comes here to vent, generally people don't say such a hateful thing. Need to be a victim for what or for whom? What does that gain anyone? I just find that statement to be so out of nowhere and igorant in the context of this forum.

 

I suppose after 30 years of marriage and being business partners, it isn't easy to just pick up and walk out. I've posted about this before. I'm not going to screw over my employees and leave their jobs in jeopardy. There are obligations for other peopled tied to my relationship with DH; it isn't just me and him and you go your way and I'll go mine; that isn't easily accomplished.

 

DH and his family wrote the book on Passive Aggressive. I have certainly picked up on their bad traits over the years. Thanks for point that out.

 

Last evening I started working on my exit strategy plan. Every evening I'm going to start going through things at the house and donate, sell or trash all the unused, unnecessary accummulation. We pared down a lot when we moved to a smaller house in 2008, but there is still too much stuff. The next thing is creating a manual that gives full details on how to do my job - accounting procedures, payroll, collections, vendor contracts -- all the invisible things I do that keeps the cash flowing around here that would come to a screeching halt if I walked out (which I did for a day this past summer). Every password is in my head. Only the accountant knows what bank accounts we have other than me.

 

Then I'll seek out a counselor. We've been to marriage counselors before and because DH didn't like what he was hearing (that he has boundary issues and that he likes being the flame that the moths' flock to) , he refused to go back. This would be for just me and more of a "move away from marriage" counseling.

 

The only reason I don't confront him, is we've had this show-down more than a dozen times and he always turns it around on me and breaks me down with hateful insults. He completely ignores any physical proof and just hammers that he is sick of be accused and he's had enough and all the same things that cheaters say to deflect back. So confrontation is pointless. I already know where it will go and what will be said and nothing fixed.

 

My venting here just helps me put into writing what I feel and how I need to be, and that I need to do something to move forward in a positive way that won't leave a trail of collateral damage.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy or acknowledgement as some kind of victim. I know full well that I've opened this door by not walking out years ago when I should have (thinking it would be bad for the kids and knowing how awful my niece and nephew had it growing up because my sister and their father got divorced (it was BAD, BAD, BAD). I always thought that when the kids were all grown and on their own (youngest is a junior in college, so pretty much have reached that milestone), it would be easy to say thanks, I'm ready to move on. But I got sucked into the business more and more (one of my biggest failing is the inability to say "no" -- my religious background as a child was drilled into me that if you can help, you DO. To say no is to be selfish and sinful -- can't seem to shake that off.) I just need to structure it so when I leave, someone else can pick up and keep it going as before.

 

I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this, and apparently have been dealing with it for some time.

 

I think you have an excellent plan, logical and nicely lined out. I applaud you for that. I would strongly urge you to get your finances/property nailed down via attorney advisor before you tip your hand to him.

 

About books - someone on another thread recommended a book by Shirley Glass - Not "Just Friends"

 

I haven't read it, but the poster strongly recommended it.

 

Keep us posted!

 

BTW - Life Coach???? :sick:

[jthorne]

BTW - Life Coach???? :sick:

I've heard that's comperable to a yuppie adult pacifier with some cheerleading thrown in.

 

Dunno, never needed one. Seems a bit weird, though, doesn't it? A life coach who would probably advise against having an affair is engaging in one herself?

[CakeEatersWife]

I've heard that's comperable to a yuppie adult pacifier with some cheerleading thrown in.

 

Dunno, never needed one. Seems a bit weird, though, doesn't it? A life coach who would probably advise against having an affair is engaging in one herself?

 

 

jthorne, you're posts are awesome. "yuppie adult pacifier" OMG EXACTLY

 

And this life coach is single, with an only child. Looks like she couldn't make a success out of at the very least the relationship with the child's father.

 

I'd love to post her stupid website here, but am sure that is against the rules. She is so incredibly self absorbed, its pathetic.