Tincup Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Ladies I have a question for you. If you met a man that was divorced with 2 kids (ages 11&13) and had 50% custody of his kids. If you came onto him and wanted a relationship with this man, would you expect to be around this man and his kids? Meaning would you expect an active role in the life of this man and his kids, or would you just expect to see this man when he did not have his kids?
denise_xo Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Ladies I have a question for you. If you met a man that was divorced with 2 kids (ages 11&13) and had 50% custody of his kids. If you came onto him and wanted a relationship with this man, would you expect to be around this man and his kids? Meaning would you expect an active role in the life of this man and his kids, or would you just expect to see this man when he did not have his kids? I would expect to spend time with him and his kids. I think it's disrespectful not to expect otherwise, if you are talking about a serious, long term relationship.
alexlakeman Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 You should've asked for the opinion of Dads who have d kids 50%, as I do... But I'll answer any way, slow day lol. It depends on a lot of things, ie boys or girls, ages, divorce was recent or not, did mom pass away, etc In my case, having two boys, 9-12, I have no problem involving a "girlfreind" with the kids, as long as she gets along with them (if she didn't I wouldn't be dating her anyway). This just gives us more time together (gf and I), most of the time, BUT at certain times I want my OWN time with my sons, ie camping, sports, or just time alone with them. Now if I had girls, that would be a pia, b/c I don't want to set an example of a diff g/f every other month, etc. Sets the wrong example. In the case of boys, its fine. If the guy just doesn't want you around them, depends how long you've been dating, if he's "afraid" the kids won't understand, or afraid they'll tell d ex wife lol
Author Tincup Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 The reason I asked the question is that my now Ex GF did not want to be around my kids. She had kids of her own (college aged), and did not seem to want to be around my kids. She only lived a mile from me, and almost any time I asked her to do something with us she would pass on it. She broke up with me because she had a day off work and I didn't ask her to have lunch with me, or do a happy hour after work. I had to take my son to a doctors appt during lunch, and I than texted her after work to see if she wanted to do something (yes I know asking after work for that night is waiting until the last minute). She said that "she needed more than I was willing to give". What does that mean? If you are in a relationship with someone and you clearly don't want to spend 50% of your time with them (kid time), and you don't want to get married or live together (probably because you are scared based on your past failed marriage). I don't get it...
alexlakeman Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Fk her! The kids are non negotiable. You are better off. That's one reason I prefer to date women that have kids living with them, b/c then they are more understanding, period. And eventually when it has become a "relationship" we blend all the kids in as needed. I've dated moms who's kids have moved away or the kids are older, and it's not a comfortable feeling b/c on a wknd I have my kids, I can't expect to stay hm if I'm out doing stuff with the kids. I wouldn't even take her call if she calls back. Those are your kids and your blood. That's my opinion as a sinlge father.
that girl Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I wouldn't want to meet someone's kids right away, but if things got serious I would expect to be slowly intergrated into their life. But I would still want plenty of non-kid time. Now if I had girls, that would be a pia, b/c I don't want to set an example of a diff g/f every other month, etc. Sets the wrong example. In the case of boys, its fine. No, it isn't fine. Daddy's girlfriend of the week is just as damaging for boys. She said that "she needed more than I was willing to give". What does that mean? If you are in a relationship with someone and you clearly don't want to spend 50% of your time with them (kid time), and you don't want to get married or live together (probably because you are scared based on your past failed marriage). She didn't want to deal with the kids. Lots of people feel that way, it is just a missmatch.
Author Tincup Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 that girl--I never thought about it that way. She is a teacher, and actually was my daughters teacher. She asked me out at the very end of the school year (once my daughter was about a week away from being out of her class). So she clearly knew all about me. She knew how my marriage ended (my ex had a very public affair), she knew my kids, she also knew how good of a father I am. She came onto me very fast. She told me she loved me within the first couple of weeks of the relationship. But it all makes sense now. She wanted to be with me and only me (no kids). It just pisses me off because she CLEARLY knew of my kids and my relationship with them. That was one of the things she told me she liked about me right away.
Awesome Username Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I'd see a man without the kids, slowly for about a month. After that, I'd meet the kids. Nothing's more heartbreaking than kids being attached to a person who isn't thinking of a relationship with their single parent long-term. There's more at stake emotionally than just two people. I'd take it sloooow.
alexlakeman Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I wouldn't want to meet someone's kids right away, but if things got serious I would expect to be slowly intergrated into their life. But I would still want plenty of non-kid time. No, it isn't fine. Daddy's girlfriend of the week is just as damaging for boys. I would be interested to read more on that.. Do you have a source where it indicates that it's damaging for the boys? So far, in ten years of divorced, I haven't seen no damage. On the contrary, I've taught them that they will get the heart broken, and to just move forward and be strong. NO woman is "it" at that age. I do NOT talk disrespectfully about women, but yes, they have known when I have over lapped 1-2 girlfriends at a time.. One time my oldest called one girlfriend by the other's name, lol... LOL, no they don't meet "the g/f of the week", but if I am dating someone for a couple months + (ballpark), they will meet her.. As they've been heard saying "daddy has six girlfriends"... lol, not true though, lol...
Lorelai Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Ladies I have a question for you. If you met a man that was divorced with 2 kids (ages 11&13) and had 50% custody of his kids. If you came onto him and wanted a relationship with this man, would you expect to be around this man and his kids? Meaning would you expect an active role in the life of this man and his kids, or would you just expect to see this man when he did not have his kids? I would understand if he wanted to wait to introduce us until things looked serious -- and the when would be his decision in my opinion. Once he decided that introductions would be appropriate, I would expect to see him with his children as well as when he did not have them... but I would also be understanding of the fact the kiddos might want "Dad-only" time too. His kids, his decision as to when to do introductions. I think that works for both men and women who have children.
Stung Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Now if I had girls, that would be a pia, b/c I don't want to set an example of a diff g/f every other month, etc. Sets the wrong example. In the case of boys, its fine. Wow, I could not disagree with this more strongly. Setting crappy life examples for boys is just as bad as it is for girls. I personally wouldn't want to teach my son to be a player and to think of women as interchangeable objects. OP, when I met my husband he had 50% custody of his young daughter. I spent all my time with him alone for the first couple months, until we knew things were going to get serious between us, and he had seen me interacting with my goddaughters. Then I was slowly integrated into his time with his daughter, and we talked to her about how she felt about my moving in before it happened. She and I got along great from the start so that really helped everything along, and I take my role as another parent figure for her very seriously, but I would have felt uncomfortable if he wanted me to buddy up to his daughter right at the beginning. It does sound to me as though the woman you were dating felt that she had already raised her children and didn't want all the responsibility all over again, in which case she really needs to concentrate her future dating efforts on men who either have no children or have adult children. I can understand your being upset with her very mixed signals.
Philetus Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 My gf met my kids (13 and 16) briefly after about six weeks when things were getting pretty serious. We've now been together three months. We took my 13 year-old daughter clothes shopping about three weeks ago. Tomorrow, we're taking my son out to dinner and a movie. Next week, she's coming to dinner with me and my kids. My gf expects to be a part of their lives and have a relationship with them. We don't know what that will look like, what role she'll have. We know she won't be a mother to them but she knows that eventually she will live with them at least part of the time.
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