Is this the end of my marriage?

[Jamone]

Hello there

It's my 1st post so if i say anything that is inappropriate please let me know. Ok here's my story...I've been married 4yrs and have a lovely daughter and 2 stepsons, one of whom doesn't live with us because of a massive bust up and him choosing the 'wrong path' in life. My marriage for the past 3yrs have been an unhappy one partly...or perhaps mainly because of the actions of the older stepson. He got in trouble with the law quite a few times, among other things and it seems that my wife's world revolves around him what he's doing. We spent a year trying to sort him out with counselling which sort of turned into our relationship counselling in the end as he only showed up at one session.

Anyway, my wife has no interest..or shows very little interest in me sexually. We've spoke about it countless times and we've had so many arguments about seemingly stupid things that i don't know if we even have a friendship now. we hardly ever speak to each other and she seems more interested in books and tv shows than me. I've been supportive of her through all these times and i just feel that i'm a husband of convenience. She seems more interested in saving the world than us! I changed my job within a year of getting married to be home more and i do my fair share of looking after the kids and help out around the house. My current job allows me to be at home during the school holidays. I don't know what to do. She says she loves me but her actions does nothing to back it. She throws me off her at night when i try to cuddle her, and is very aggressive with it as well. I always initiate sex, and 9 out of 10 times i get rejected, and whenever we do make love it feels emotionless and like a chore. The sort of "ok then let's just get it over with" We never kiss when making love and she often has her back to me. Now we have sex maybe once a month if i'm lucky. I have a very strong sex drive and i would like not only to perform the act but to actually feel like i'm giving myself emotionally to her. That to me is true bonding...maybe i'm wrong.

It just feels like i'm more of a convenience to look after the children and do whatever around the house. I've resorted to masturbation and looking at porn. It's hard for me to be warm to her when she seemingly doesn't care. I feel like i only get the 'what's left' or the scraps of her, by which time she's too tired or has a headache or some other ailment. I'm too young to have a companion and the marriage is definitely too young i think for this. maybe i had unrealistic expectations of what marriage should be.

I'm gonna stop ranting. Does anyone have any views to share?

Thanks.

[g450]

Sorry to hear this. You just described my life for the past 5 or so years. I have been divorced for almost a year now and she had an online love affair that pushed her to make her decision.

 

I hate to say this but it sounds like you are headed towards my own outcome. Luckily my own Son is grown and that was her reason for finally taking apart the family and going her own way.

 

Like your W my XW wants to save the world and be everybody's friend except mine. Ironic isnt it?

 

Looking back I think our marriage was simply for her convenience. I was a paycheck, a sperm donor and a safety net for her for the past 23 years. I trully was in love with her and thought we were happy. Love really is blind my friend but I think it's time you took off the rose colored glasses and realize what kind of a relationship you are in.

 

I feel for you brother. It hurts like hell. Suggest counceling for her but to me it appears that your W is just like my XW in that she check out from you emotionally years ago. She is simply using you now.

 

Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow. Find out if she really wants to save the marriage or not. It will really be her decision. And if she gives up on you, you will have to make some tough decisions for yourself.

[fltc]

He got in trouble with the law quite a few times, among other things and it seems that my wife's world revolves around him what he's doing.

 

It's normal for her to put him first, he's the one who needs her the most. Women *need* to be needed by their children, it's built into mothers.

 

You might just print out your whole post here and ask her to read it, you've expressed your feelings very well, let her know. If you've told her, tell her again.

[NoneTheWiser]

jamone,

 

Sorry you are feeling this way being rejected by your wife is never a good thing. But here is my question. There are always 3 sides to every story, your side, her side then the truth. Have you honestly looked at this from her point of view? Maybe there was something that you did that caused her to lose respect for you? I believe that women just don't one day wake up and shut down their emotions but rather it is a gradual detachment.

 

Please take stock in yourself and ask yourself “what did do to get this marriage to this point”. Then communicate this with her, whatever you do, do not attack her and take responsibility for your actions.

 

From what I have seen from this site, you will get a wide range of comments but the main comment will be that “she is cheating on you drop her”. I caution you on some of the advice you might receive.

 

If you have a chance, read the thread from What_Next and learn from what he went through.

 

I wish you and your wife the best of luck.

[nikayla]

Jamone,

 

I am sorry to hear about your marriage and the state of your stepson. A lot of young men are going down a wayward path instead of seeking out better options. Have you ever tried talking to him, or introducing him to an friend of yours who may serve as a support group? Sometimes, it is so easy for children to label step parents as the enemy and the barrier preventing mom and dad from getting back together.

 

Perhaps she is overwhelmed with caring for the three other children. I suggest hiring a babysitter and having a weekly date night. Or round up your stepdaughters to cook your wife's favorite meal. Romance, indeed, goes a long way. Encourage her to partake in activities outside of the home, including yoga or a book club. This may help her rebuild her sex drive and take part in duties outside of the home.

 

Most of all, sit down with her and really discover what is going on. If this seems difficult, suggest couple's therapy or the assistance of a religious leader.

 

I hate to say it, but if this last option doesn't work, then maybe divorce is inevitable. Honestly ask yourself if your exposing your child and stepchildren to a relationship that is toxic and devoid of love. Break this cycle for your child--if not yourself-- and begin to work on your self. I know, I know...it isn't as easy as me typing a comment, but it sure will save you years of misery and pain. No one is responsible for your personal happiness other than yourself. I wish you the best of luck.

[Jamone]

Thanks for the speedy replies.

 

NonTheWiser: All i've done since we've been married is go to work and come home. I have a couple of drinks with co-workers on a friday after work but thats it...and i'm home early. I don't plan anything for my weekends because that was "family time"...at least in my head it was. Wknds now consist of me staying home with our youngest while she ferries the kids or other people around. I've given up most of my friends to stay at home. So much so that they no longer ask me out because i always said no. The only thing i can think of is not helping out more at home but we spoke about this and i'm more than pulling my weight now. It just seems that she prefers talking to other people than to me. She makes plans and informs me on the day or i'll hear about them from a friend in conversation and when i asks her she swears she told me. We've gradually grown apart, it was instantaneous. I just wasn't a priority in her life and i think i should be. Everything and everyone comes before me and when i bring it up she always has some excuse. She's always had things her way and it feels like we're divided into her and the boys and me and our our daughter. If i'm to be brutally honest with myself, i think the only reason i'm staying is for my daughter, knowing that if i go i can't take her with me and that in itself would just kill me.

 

Nikayla: I have tried reaching out to him many times. He loves football(soccer) and i'd go to his games when i could, we'd go out and get boots and kits, have a kickabout together, and do many other things together. In fact, when i was going to propose to his mom, he was the first to know. He even came with me to get the ring. On the flip side, he hung out with the wrong people and when i tried to talk to him about it he told me i couldn't tell him what to do because i'm not his dad. He's stolen from me on a number of occasions and the last time he did and i confronted him, he wanted to get physical with me and told me he was going to get his dad and their side to kill me...i could go on. My wife didn't do much about it, so i've since washed my hands clean of him. We talk but only to be civil.

 

I really think i'm fighting a losing battle here and i don't know what to do for the best. I'm at the point where my daughter's happiness is what matters most to me and i'll happily sacrifice my own to be with her...even if it means living in a house with someone i pledged my life to. I just don't understand why she is like this and why i can't be happy. I've been good, worked hard, and this is the reward i get.

 

Before we got married i said to her that one of the most important things to me in my marriage is looking forward to coming home...That dream died.

[YellowShark]

I've been supportive of her through all these times and i just feel that i'm a husband of convenience.

 

 

BINGO.

 

You're not happy, she's not happy, you hate the drama that her son brings into your world, she doesn't want to have sex with you and ignores you...

[Jamone]

If that's the case Yellow either i'm a mug or she thought she struck gold!

[Jamone]

In addition, during one of our NUMEROUS talks, she mentioned that she is who she is and she won't change for anyone. If they can't accept her and her lifestyle, they're wasting their time...Love is blind...or maybe i'm just a bit on the slow side!

[Jamone]

BINGO.

 

you hate the drama that her son brings into your world,

 

You're absolutely right about that.

[g450]

You're absolutely right about that.

 

I hate to say it Jamone but I think you know where this is going.

 

I am pro marriage but I would get out of that situation if she refuses to budge and deal with the issues at hand. You can only control yourself.

 

This is the reason I will not marry somebody with kids and an ex husband hanging around. My GF is in this situation but I told her that marriage is absolutely off the table so long as she has children living with her and husband constantly using his kid (which he could really care less for) as an excuse to come over and argue / ask for sex etc from her. Total BS. Plenty of women out there that do not have this drama in their life who are single.

[Jamone]

g450 I fought off so many ppl who said why are you getting involved with someone with kids? and as much as it hurts to say it, i think they had a point. I was of the mindset that not because someone has kids mean that they shouldn't be happy or have a happy relationship (marriage in my case). I had a major bust up with my mother defending her and the funny...well not so funny thing is, mum was right.

[g450]

g450 I fought off so many ppl who said why are you getting involved with someone with kids? and as much as it hurts to say it, i think they had a point. I was of the mindset that not because someone has kids mean that they shouldn't be happy or have a happy relationship (marriage in my case). I had a major bust up with my mother defending her and the funny...well not so funny thing is, mum was right.

 

Brother dont beat yourself up. We both had the same idea. A woman with kids would have family values and morals. That is what we were thinking. Am I right? You know I am.

 

Unfortunately I have found that any time an ex-spouse (ex husband / father) is involved it means only trouble and heart-ache.

 

Sometimes in life you have to throw away the familiar and bet on something completely different and unexpected. Your best bet and mine...a woman whos kids are grown, same as ours. Maturity is an asset that too many take for granted. Women know this. Us men need to understand this as well. Look towards an older more mature woman in your life. If all esle fails, trust your instict. God gave it too you for a reason.

[Jamone]

Very wise words with a lot of truth g450. Unfortunately i signed up to this and i don't know if regret is what i feel. Every day i look at my daughter and in my head i'm saying sorry for bringing her into such an unfair situation. I try to give the best of me but if i'm not happy myself, it's really difficult, know what i mean. My little girl is my world and i'm fearful of the effects that a split might have on her. She doesn't deserve it. It's not only sex and a happy marriage that i crave but it's also true happiness, y'know the kind where one can really laugh and feel that emotion, one where nothing else in the world matters. That sort of natural high. Obviously there'll be little hurdles but i'd be much better able to deal with them than i am now. I often feel like i'm living outside myself looking down at the daily routines and rituals that i perform only to repeat day after day. I'm so used to giving and thinking about other people, not just the family, that i've sort of lost touch as to who i really am and what makes me tick. What's my motivation? What do i get a kick out of? What am i passionate about? I used to able to answer these questions but now i'm afraid i can't. Sometimes living in this 'zombie/trance-like' state where i'm indifferent to everything and everyone is ok but then i see people who are so happy with life and have the sort of hakuna matata attitude that i suddenly wake up and instead of shaking myself off and say right sort it out i find myself waking up and sinking into a pit of depression whose walls is lined with grease. I get tired of trying to climb out and revert to the zombie that i was before. I apologise if i'm getting really heavy and depressing but putting all this down and getting all your opinions is strangely therapeutic. Right now i'm thinking f**k it i'm just gonna leave and start over and focus on being happy and a good father. Later i'll be thinking, i can't leave my daughter so i might as well stay put and deal with it. Am i alone in thinking this way? I'm married. Why do i feel lonely? I have a woman who i sleep next to at night. Feels like we're housemates that share the same bed...that's only thing, besides my little girl that we share at the mo.

[prest32]

Hi, i have been a lurker here for some time, after reading this post i felt the need to join and reply.

 

I am in a very similar situation to yourself.

 

Married 9 years (2nd time for both), i have my stepson who is 14 and my daughter who is 7. I love them both dearly yet it was always going to be hard with my stepson. To paint a picture, i fell in love with my wife but had to grow to love my boy.

 

I have not been entirely happy for a year or so now but its getting worse. Every day i ask the same, shall i go or stay. I love my wife and i know that she loves me, but i dont feel either of us are "in love" with each other. We dont have any fun together, no laughter and life is just so hard.

 

We have different views on sex and she nevers instigates.

 

Should i leave or stay........I find it difficult to leave my daughter, its not her fault and how will she respond if i left..So i can understand where your at.

[Jamone]

Thanks for the support Prest32. Like you i'm almost sure we aren't in love with each other. I think we just about tolerate each other, talking mainly to convey information. I've given up on sex now. Before i had the 'take what you can get' attitude but now i get a little annoyed because like most things, sex happens on her watch when she wants to, which is almost never!

The only thing keeping me here, like yourself is my little girl. A friend recently told me that i won't leave until i meet someone who i have an interest in. How much truth is in that i don't know. It's good to know that i'm not the only one experiencing this.

[prest32]

Hi Jamone, sorry its taken a while to reply, its been busy and frustrating.

 

Not long after i posted we had a bit of a text chat whilst i was at work. To cut a long story short, i said to her that i would never ask for sex again. She complains that i pressure her to try diff things and that all i want is sex!!

 

So, to eliviate the pressure etc i said i will no longer ask. We also discussed what we should do (have a break or stay), we both said we love each other and we didnt want to be apart. So it was left like that.

 

Anyaway, 2 weeks on and after her monthly period i can now respond as to what has now happened.

 

Since that texting night i have not asked her for sex, we dont during her period anyway so knew nothing would happen then. However she has always said she is horniest at the end, so i waited.

 

4 days after her period had finished (last night), as usual she came over gave me a kiss and said goodnight. I text her when she went to bed and said "my point is proved, i dont ask, we dont do"! She text back with "i have cuddled you past 2 mornings and you did not respond, i presumed you didnt want to"!, reply: "so when i presume that a cuddle leads in to sex you can correct me again"! This went backwards and forwards a cpl of times until she said this "ok, its my fault i'm sorry".

 

I will continue to not ask and see where it goes, we are getting on with each other generally otherwise.

 

However, there is a lady who i work with occassionally who has told me of her feelings towards me, i have also told her that i have always had a thing for her. We have text each other a few times now and it has got quite naughty with the texts.

 

She is 24 and i am 40. The thoughts that run round my head right now are, should i stay with my children and wife and not fulfil the things that i want or take a gamble and have a relationship with this younger woman?

 

I can go and stay at my sisters if i decide to leave, i have also looked in to renting a room somewhere.

 

I feel like i am stuck between a rock and a hard place, i would not be happy leaving but i would also be unhappy if i stay and nothing changes like normal.

[mitchell]

 

 

4 days after her period had finished (last night), as usual she came over gave me a kiss and said goodnight. I text her when she went to bed and said "my point is proved, i dont ask, we dont do"! She text back with "i have cuddled you past 2 mornings and you did not respond, i presumed you didnt want to"!, reply: "so when i presume that a cuddle leads in to sex you can correct me again"! This went backwards and forwards a cpl of times until she said this "ok, its my fault i'm sorry".

 

 

Let me get this straight, you are texting your wife while you are both at home? Do you see any problem with this? This is not how mature adults communicate. Put the phone down and talk to your wife.

[Lauriebell82]

In addition, during one of our NUMEROUS talks, she mentioned that she is who she is and she won't change for anyone. If they can't accept her and her lifestyle, they're wasting their time...Love is blind...or maybe i'm just a bit on the slow side!

 

Wow she sounds very angry! Did she display these types of behaviors prior to the two of you getting married? Did she have a rough childhood or has she ever been abused that you know of? My gut instinct is telling me she suffered some kind of sexual abuse. This goes beyond just losing her sex drive. It sounds more like she is traumatized and doesn't want any kind of intimacy.

 

I don't know, but with that kind of anger there has to be some underlying problem that she isn't telling you. I would ask her to confide in you if something is wrong. Something along these lines:

 

"Sweetheart, I really love you and want to work on our marraige, but I need your help. I think it needs to be a combined effort between the two of us to turn things around. You can tell me if there is something bothering you, I will always be there for you no matter what. I really want to help, but I can't do that unless you let me. I want you to be happy again, I want us to be happy again."

 

Or something to that effect. Empathize with her and try to get her to open up.

[Jamone]

prest32: A cuddle?! That's got to take foreplay to a new level! I used to get my back or my legs stroked...while she's reading! and i get the same response " i was stroking you!"....yeah with your bloody head in a book! At least yours can be bothered to give you a cuddle.

 

Anyway, here's the update on my situation. We had 'the talk'..for the umpteenth time a week ago and i told her how i felt. I said i'm now getting physical symptoms like nervous stomach and constant pains in my head, neck and shoulders. She said i was depressed and need to see the doctor...i had already figured that out. I said i don't think i have the will to fight for the marriage anymore and that i believe she doesn't love me.

 

She said she loves me. i took her word for it as i have no evidence to prove that. I don't know if it's depression that's causing me to be so indifferent or if it's because i've put up with it for so long that my feelings have festered and turned into resentment.

 

I've been trying to convince myself to look after me more and even toyed with the idea of moving out for a while to try and sort my head out.

In her defence, she has tried to be more talkative and she's even given me a few hugs. From experience, this only lasts a few days so i don't pay much attention to it. She always responds like this whenever we talk which makes me think she doesn't take me seriously and that it's not genuine.

 

I crave attention and affection and i fear that like yourself, i will meet someone who will be interested and in my vulnerable state i might, you know, do something stupid. Who knows. i don't want to but if the opportunity presents itself i often wonder if i'll be strong enough to do the right thing. Nothing seemed to come from our conversation last week and i've somehow regained my virginity!

 

Lauriebell82:She dropped out of school in her early teens and had her 1st child in her mid-teens. She has very solid parents and supportive family but she was the rebellious type. She did have verbally and physically abusive relationships before me and we spoke about all this before getting married. Sometimes i wonder if i was the loud abusive type if the marriage would be any better. As far as i'm aware she's told me everything, although i can't swear on it.

 

I just can't understand the lack of interest. We were like bloody rabblits during the early years and even while she was pregnant and afterwards. In the last year it's just died. She doesn't want to kiss me when we have sex, doesn't want me to touch her, and half the time i have to check if she's awake. No movement, sounds, nothing. I'd have a better time with a blowup doll on a water bed! I've asked many times if i'm doing something wrong, what would she like me to do to make her experience more pleasurable and she always gives the same answer. "You don't have to change anything, i enjoy it" I'm sorry but we've had sex enough times for me to know when she's enjoying it!

 

I don't feel the urge to buy her flowers or do anything nice for her anymore. I'm not even sure i want to touch her. I don't know if it's because of my state of mind or if the constant rejections have just caused me to be this way. I don't feel for her like i used to and i don't know if i will be able to feel that way again.

[Lauriebell82]

 

I just can't understand the lack of interest. We were like bloody rabblits during the early years and even while she was pregnant and afterwards. In the last year it's just died. She doesn't want to kiss me when we have sex, doesn't want me to touch her, and half the time i have to check if she's awake. No movement, sounds, nothing. I'd have a better time with a blowup doll on a water bed! I've asked many times if i'm doing something wrong, what would she like me to do to make her experience more pleasurable and she always gives the same answer. "You don't have to change anything, i enjoy it" I'm sorry but we've had sex enough times for me to know when she's enjoying it!

 

Hmm, maybe depression? Has she seen a doctor about this? Would she be willing? I know loss of interest in sex can be sign of depression, I would suggest getting it checked out.

[Jamone]

She was a bit depressed but she's much better now. She's even admitted she's happy. She carries on day to day fine. The problem is, i'm not one of her priorities. It's everything and everyone else before me. That's what p***** me off.

[Jamone]

Surely i deserve better than that!

Edited November 24, 2010 by Jamone
double posting

[TigerCub]

Hi Jamone,

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a terrible situation.

Your story is almost exactly like a story of a friend of mine. Except he has a son and a step son.

The step son is also getting into so much trouble and (naturally and understandably) he is becoming the focus for the mother.

 

My friend also mentioned that although he tries to reach out to the step son, he simply doesn't have any athority in punishing him when he's bad, or trying to fix the situation so its incredibly frustrating for him.

 

He also complains about an almost sexless marriage and says that he's only sticking around for his son.

 

What I'm going to tell you come from someone that has never been married or has any children. BUt here it is for what its worth:

 

I grew up in a home with both parents around - but that didn't mean that I had a happy childhood. THere wasn't any abuse or anything like that, but my parents were not very happy people, my dad was constantly stressed and depressed and I was the last of 4 children.

 

My father really short changed me. During my childhood and teen years, I thought of suicide, I was certainly not a happy person at all.

 

Now I'm in therapy and my therapist once said to me "maybe your father didn't mean to overlook you or be unfair to you - you said it yourself he was depressed"

and honestly, all I could reply was "so f'n what? yeah being depressed sucks, but his depression ruined my childhood and it gave me long lasting issues that I need to deal with still"

 

so my point to you is - you're not doing your daughter any favors by "keeping the family intact" when the family is unhappy and the parents are depressed because you can't offer her all you have when you're depressed and have so many issues of your own.

 

a family that is together is meaningless if its a miserable one.

 

You can also argue that you don't fight in front of the kids - yeah my parents didn't do much of that, but kids sense when things are tense and miserable regardless of how good of an act the parents try to put on.

 

I truly do wish you the best. But I really wanted to give you some of my own experiences because I simply don't believe that 2 people who have problems, depression, resentment are going to be able to truly provide for their kids (material things maybe) but not the important stuff.

[pureinheart]

Hello there

It's my 1st post so if i say anything that is inappropriate please let me know. Ok here's my story...I've been married 4yrs and have a lovely daughter and 2 stepsons, one of whom doesn't live with us because of a massive bust up and him choosing the 'wrong path' in life. My marriage for the past 3yrs have been an unhappy one partly...or perhaps mainly because of the actions of the older stepson. He got in trouble with the law quite a few times, among other things and it seems that my wife's world revolves around him what he's doing. We spent a year trying to sort him out with counselling which sort of turned into our relationship counselling in the end as he only showed up at one session.

Anyway, my wife has no interest..or shows very little interest in me sexually. We've spoke about it countless times and we've had so many arguments about seemingly stupid things that i don't know if we even have a friendship now. we hardly ever speak to each other and she seems more interested in books and tv shows than me. I've been supportive of her through all these times and i just feel that i'm a husband of convenience. She seems more interested in saving the world than us! I changed my job within a year of getting married to be home more and i do my fair share of looking after the kids and help out around the house. My current job allows me to be at home during the school holidays. I don't know what to do. She says she loves me but her actions does nothing to back it. She throws me off her at night when i try to cuddle her, and is very aggressive with it as well. I always initiate sex, and 9 out of 10 times i get rejected, and whenever we do make love it feels emotionless and like a chore. The sort of "ok then let's just get it over with" We never kiss when making love and she often has her back to me. Now we have sex maybe once a month if i'm lucky. I have a very strong sex drive and i would like not only to perform the act but to actually feel like i'm giving myself emotionally to her. That to me is true bonding...maybe i'm wrong.

It just feels like i'm more of a convenience to look after the children and do whatever around the house. I've resorted to masturbation and looking at porn. It's hard for me to be warm to her when she seemingly doesn't care. I feel like i only get the 'what's left' or the scraps of her, by which time she's too tired or has a headache or some other ailment. I'm too young to have a companion and the marriage is definitely too young i think for this. maybe i had unrealistic expectations of what marriage should be.

I'm gonna stop ranting. Does anyone have any views to share?

Thanks.

 

Hi J,

 

Were you into porn prior to this lack of desire? I will just tell you my story, and I'm not saying this is the case with your W. I was sexually abused as a child, then in my teens, it seemed as if I was being taken home from dates "early" because I did not put out. This really shaped my view of sex and men.

 

I literally was stressed out from working long hours and lost interest myself in sex *84hr work weeks*. I ended up pregnant with my daughter, so I guess you could call that rape because I didn't remember the act.

 

After my daughter was born I had no interest in sex with my H.

 

Something has happened to her. I don't want to discourage you, although I have been there and totally detached from life. I don't know what the answer is for you except councelling...I really hope things work out for the both of you...