Peace&Love Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I have this one girl friend who I thought was a good friend to keep close by but she's proven me wrong time and time again. We met during our junior year in college (that was 6 years ago). Since then, the two of us have gone through some rough patches (as well as success) in our lives. She's a lot of fun, very optimistic, and very outgoing. But lately it seems her good qualities end there. Whenever something goes wrong in her life, she cries to everyone for help. And because my friends are very important to me, I've spent many late nights on the phone with her, trying my best to make sure she's okay. BUT when I need her to reciprocate, she dismisses my problems and would not even take the time or make the effort to ask me how I'm doing. As an example, right now I'm going through a lot of stress in my personal and professional life, but the last time I tried talking to her about it she completely brushed me off. The only response I got was, "You know you're unhappy so just move on. What are you waiting for?" For the next following minutes, I felt forced to explain myself all over again but when I realized she wasn't even paying attention, I just shut up. That was 3-4 weeks ago and I didn't hear from her until a couple of days ago. She contacted me via a Facebook message! It wasn't even to ask if I was doing better. Because some of our mutual friends thought the two of us are VERY close, they've been asking about her and although I hate talking about people behind their backs, I've been so upset and disappointed over this girl I haven't been able to hold back. Apparently, I'm not the only one she's mistreated and our other girl friends have confirmed that I'm not being petty here. One of them thinks I should confront her. I'm so stressed out over other things right now, I don't even know if this friendship is worth my time and energy. Should I confront her? Is there anything worth salvaging?
Kendrick Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 "BUT when I need her to reciprocate, she dismisses my problems and would not even take the time or make the effort to ask me how I'm doing". *People who are wrapped up in themselves and their own problems, can not really be there for someone else. Its usually all about them. Its selfish. "I'm not the only one she's mistreated and our other girl friends have confirmed that I'm not being petty here". *I think you might have found your answer. As far as confronting her, that is up to you. Or you could cut your losses and just walk away. Do not put alot of time an energy into a relationship, that someone else is not willing to put in.
carhill Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 My advice is to distance yourself without prejudice and, if she proactively contacts you and asks why or what has happened to you, tell her calmly and honestly what you have shared here. Friendships are conditional, and, right now, she isn't meeting your conditions. It's not required, nor is your friendship. Everything is completely voluntary. Good luck
loverofloveandstuff Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I think you should try confronting her. Sometimes people just need a slap in the face and they don't even know what they're doing. Especially when they've got a lot on their plate. I was in pretty much the exact situation only I wasn't the one doing all the listening. My friend started talking about a problem and I just dismissed it in a similar way to how you describe your friend dismissing her problems - this was a friend who was my shoulder to cry on during a really rough patch. My friend got fed up and she hanged up on me. It was kind of like an epiphany, she didn't even have to say anything. I realised then that I was being a really sh-t friend, got my head out of my ass, called her back and apologised.
carhill Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Must be a female thing. Men would just laugh at such 'confrontations', or so I have experienced. It just occurred to me, so have women, but that was with a male friend, not female. Perhaps it's just a function of who cares the least. Generally, if someone is being a jerk to a good friend, that's the sign. OP, try the confrontation and let us know how it works out. Happy to add more datapoints BTW, OP, do you see a schism between someone who is happy and optimistic and someone who cries to 'everyone' when anything goes wrong in her life? I do. True joy and optimism are not dampened by challenge and reversal, IMO.
Author Peace&Love Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 I'm just going to call this girl "Mary" to prevent confusion. The Facebook message Mary sent me last week was to plan a dinner with me and another one of our friends. Our mutual friend thought it was weird that Mary didn't reach out to us by phone either. She also feels that Mary's using her as a buffer so she passed on doing dinner. To be the bigger person, I offered to do dinner with Mary just the two of us. This way, we have the opportunity to clear the air. The pessimistic (or realistic) part of me thinks Mary will just avoid a confrontation altogether which is why she hasn't reached out to me by phone and she wants a buffer at dinner. After all, we used to spend a lot of time together just the two of us, so what's with the odd behavior now? I'm tempted to cut my losses. That way, she might realize she has one less person to lean on the next time something goes wrong in her life. I will keep you guys posted about the upcoming dinner.
Author Peace&Love Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 So I had dinner with Mary on Friday as planned. She completed avoided the topic of my recent breakup and did not even apologize for her absence over the past month. Instead, all she talked about was how great her career is going. The only time she focused on me was when I finally brought up my ex-boyfriend. In which case, she proceeded to tell me I will eventually need a new man in my life. I told her I do NOT NEED any man in my life and I refuse to fall into traditional gender roles. The conversation was just more evidence that she did not know me and did not care about my feelings. This is definitely one friend I do not need in my life.
carhill Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Sorry things didn't go better. Something I've found, since I invest a fair amount of energy into friendships is, when disconnecting an unsatisfying or otherwise toxic friend, I find this burst of energy; energy which was getting sucked down the hole of the unhealthy friendship. It's uplifting. OK, time to move forward. Best wishes
Idalis Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 So I had dinner with Mary on Friday as planned. She completed avoided the topic of my recent breakup and did not even apologize for her absence over the past month. Instead, all she talked about was how great her career is going. The only time she focused on me was when I finally brought up my ex-boyfriend. In which case, she proceeded to tell me I will eventually need a new man in my life. I told her I do NOT NEED any man in my life and I refuse to fall into traditional gender roles. The conversation was just more evidence that she did not know me and did not care about my feelings. This is definitely one friend I do not need in my life. Sorry I didn't work out! Your thread gave me a deja vu with one of my friends so I think you probably are better just distancing yourself from Mary for now. Your whole thread sounded like you were discussing one of MY friends!! And I believe that like you I've reached the end of the road with her. She hasnt needed a shoulder to cry on for a bit so I hadn't heard from her till yesterday. So I just made myself unavailable and trust me I felt awful for it, but I think its important to have friends that can both rejoice with you and cry with you and you can do the same for them. I dont think any one person should be the only one taking from the friendship.
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Just detach from her and make her less important in your life. you don't have to 'end' the friendship by confronting her or anything like that ~ Just let the friendship die a natural death. Avoid her calls, take longer to call her back. Act detached around her if in a group situation, eventually she'll either talk to you about it or follow suit. Once you get to the place where you don't care either way, you're home free! She's a toxic friend to have, and sounds selfish. 1
Trinity2 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I have this one girl friend who I thought was a good friend to keep close by but she's proven me wrong time and time again. We met during our junior year in college (that was 6 years ago). Since then, the two of us have gone through some rough patches (as well as success) in our lives. She's a lot of fun, very optimistic, and very outgoing. But lately it seems her good qualities end there. Whenever something goes wrong in her life, she cries to everyone for help. And because my friends are very important to me, I've spent many late nights on the phone with her, trying my best to make sure she's okay. BUT when I need her to reciprocate, she dismisses my problems and would not even take the time or make the effort to ask me how I'm doing. As an example, right now I'm going through a lot of stress in my personal and professional life, but the last time I tried talking to her about it she completely brushed me off. The only response I got was, "You know you're unhappy so just move on. What are you waiting for?" For the next following minutes, I felt forced to explain myself all over again but when I realized she wasn't even paying attention, I just shut up. That was 3-4 weeks ago and I didn't hear from her until a couple of days ago. She contacted me via a Facebook message! It wasn't even to ask if I was doing better. Because some of our mutual friends thought the two of us are VERY close, they've been asking about her and although I hate talking about people behind their backs, I've been so upset and disappointed over this girl I haven't been able to hold back. Apparently, I'm not the only one she's mistreated and our other girl friends have confirmed that I'm not being petty here. One of them thinks I should confront her. I'm so stressed out over other things right now, I don't even know if this friendship is worth my time and energy. Should I confront her? Is there anything worth salvaging? I've had friends like that before, too absorbed in themselves and their stuff to even care. This friendship is not a friendship, she doesn't know how to be one.
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