joey66 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Hi everybody. Is it possible for two married people (not to each other obviously) to be friends and lovers and nothing else? That is, not to fall in love with one another, but to be supportive of each other. And respect each other's lives. And have sex.
UntoldStory Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Hi everybody. Is it possible for two married people (not to each other obviously) to be friends and lovers and nothing else? That is, not to fall in love with one another, but to be supportive of each other. And respect each other's lives. And have sex. LOL!!! I wouldn't be able to. For me true friends + sex = perfection.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 LOL!!! I wouldn't be able to. For me true friends + sex = perfection. I totally agree. In fact, I think just the "being true friends" part woild turn into a betrayal - if nothing else, an EA. You'd end up sharing things with that person that would deplete what and how you'd share with your spouse. IMO
carhill Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Yes, it is, but there's no way I'd want to be married to either of them, and not because they're cheating. I couldn't imagine investing in someone that compartmentalized. The switches are just too easy to throw and the potential for harm is too great a risk. Pass.
UntoldStory Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I totally agree. In fact, I think just the "being true friends" part woild turn into a betrayal - if nothing else, an EA. You'd end up sharing things with that person that would deplete what and how you'd share with your spouse. IMO Yup. I guess that's the danger of marrying someone you don't truly consider a friend!
jthorne Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Yes, it is, but there's no way I'd want to be married to either of them, and not because they're cheating. I couldn't imagine investing in someone that compartmentalized. The switches are just too easy to throw and the potential for harm is too great a risk. Pass. Exactly. I guess the question I have to ask is why would someone want to do that?
carhill Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 (edited) Our psychologies are all different. Most of the MW's I've been around have the ability to compartmentalize their devotion to their family from getting their validation and intimacy needs met outside of it. I've seen such in action for many years. Granted, any one person's life experience is merely anecdotal, but it, combined with other's experiences, suggests patterns of psychology that may have wider scope and application. I can pretty safely say that none of the MW's I've known over the years, some briefly and some for years, have ever 'fallen in love' with me, but took what they needed and were generally supportive in ways which were meaningful to them. I also doubt they ever admitted to any sort of indiscretion or betrayal of their marriages. My take-away from this is, when a woman shows and tells a man she loves him, it can mean many things, some healthy and some not. My misfortune has been experiencing the 'not', so perhaps the road ahead is more promising. The sad side effect has been that, now, I don't 'believe' them or 'trust' their words/behaviors, without verification. 'I love you' -> 'Get some counseling and resolve that'. Most, confronted with that, move on to easier targets. The interesting thing is that, in future contacts, they act as if their behaviors had never existed. Total compartmentalization. It's fascinating. So, in conclusion, for some people, I could see how they could find personal health in relations as described in the OP. I wouldn't go as far as to say their M's would be healthy, but perhaps it is their perception of what healthy that matters, to them. Edited October 28, 2010 by carhill
Author joey66 Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Thanks for the responses. I think that when single people have these kind of relationships and they are called FWB. Can those relationships last? And be healthy? If yes, then why should it not be possible for married people? (I'm not asking if it's RIGHT for married people to be in an FWB relationship with another married person. I don't want to open that can of worms.) I think one could argue that it would be easier for (happily) married people to be in FWB situations than it would be for single people.
ladydesigner Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Thanks for the responses. I think that when single people have these kind of relationships and they are called FWB. Can those relationships last? And be healthy? If yes, then why should it not be possible for married people? (I'm not asking if it's RIGHT for married people to be in an FWB relationship with another married person. I don't want to open that can of worms.) I think one could argue that it would be easier for (happily) married people to be in FWB situations than it would be for single people. This works for some married couples, it is called an open marriage. Both partners have to be on board though and no jealousy or emotional attachments allowed.
Owl Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 This works for some married couples, it is called an open marriage. Both partners have to be on board though and no jealousy or emotional attachments allowed. And even then, many of these 'open marriages' fail over time. Most people (although admittedly not all) simply can't seperate physical intimacy completely and totally from emotional intimacy. Most of the time, one form of intimacy will eventually spill over into the other as well. People who are 'emotionally intimate' with each other often find that the EA turns PA...into a physical affair as well. And we've seen countless numbers of stories here where "physical only" relationships resulted in one, the other, or both parties becoming more and more emotionally intimate as well...to the point where someone falls in love. Even in open marriages, there are a good number of them that fail when one partner no longer enjoys "the lifestyle", or one partner falls in love with someone that they were 'with'. It's THEORETICALLY possible...but I'd give you better odds of earning a living off the lottery than successfully pulling something like this off long term.
carhill Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Yeah, I think disclosure and transparency are primary. Otherwise, the M will be de-prioritized, hence unhealthy. No lies, no deceptions. Mutual support of the marital priority, as friends necessarily do. Further, I would de-emphasize 'lovers', rather labeling the dynamic as 'sexual participants', since there is no romantic love, rather mutual pleasure from sex. With the right psychology, it could, and likely has and does, work. Many paths in life.
secretlady76 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Hi Joey, As a MW I reckon, if you set down rules agreeable by both parties then I think it could work. The bit that comes 'unstuck' is the love bit. You can't say 'we can't fall in love' because then you're bound to!!! I think the chance of one or other or both getting emotionally involved is pretty much 100%, I mean, you have to a bit to jump in the sack regularly anyway..... I guess one could fall in love and not do anything about it, just accept you love your MFWB but it is to go no further than that.....it is not going to destroy either marriage...
ladydesigner Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 And even then, many of these 'open marriages' fail over time. Most people (although admittedly not all) simply can't seperate physical intimacy completely and totally from emotional intimacy. Most of the time, one form of intimacy will eventually spill over into the other as well. People who are 'emotionally intimate' with each other often find that the EA turns PA...into a physical affair as well. And we've seen countless numbers of stories here where "physical only" relationships resulted in one, the other, or both parties becoming more and more emotionally intimate as well...to the point where someone falls in love. Even in open marriages, there are a good number of them that fail when one partner no longer enjoys "the lifestyle", or one partner falls in love with someone that they were 'with'. It's THEORETICALLY possible...but I'd give you better odds of earning a living off the lottery than successfully pulling something like this off long term. I wholeheartedly agree Owl. An open marriage is definitely not my cup of tea:laugh:
YellowShark Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Hi everybody. Is it possible for two married people (not to each other obviously) to be friends and lovers and nothing else? That is, not to fall in love with one another, but to be supportive of each other. And respect each other's lives. And have sex. Why? What's the endgame? What's the payoff? Sex? IMHO seems like passion, and emotion - (whether you admit it or not) - is being wasted on "the friend" instead of being invested where it belongs - "your relationship." Eventually your relationship is going to suffer. For me the OP question is simply searching for a rationalization to justify an affair between two married people.
ladydesigner Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Why? What's the endgame? What's the payoff? Sex? IMHO seems like passion, and emotion - (whether you admit it or not) - is being wasted on "the friend" instead of being invested where it belongs - "your relationship." Eventually your relationship is going to suffer. For me the OP question is simply searching for a rationalization to justify an affair between two married people. I think so too. I guess another question Joey would be how you would feel with your wife having NSA sex with another man?
carhill Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 As a younger man, I knew married and single men who used women as 'sexual participants', merely an extension of what otherwise would be their hand on their d!ck. The women weren't valued as potential 'friends' or 'partners' or 'wives', merely for the tits and ass which got the men hard and the vagina or mouth or ass in which to dump their load. This gave the men pleasure. I presume, based on the life experience I've had with women, that they can view such dynamics similarly. A meeting of equals, perhaps in otherwise happy marriages, purely for situational mutual sexual excitement and release with each other. The 'passion' is not for the other person, rather for the sexual arousal and release. Live 'porn'.
Katharin Clifton Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Hi everybody. Is it possible for two married people (not to each other obviously) to be friends and lovers and nothing else? That is, not to fall in love with one another, but to be supportive of each other. And respect each other's lives. And have sex. How can you not fall in love with someone whom you are supportive of and have sex with? Surely, over time, emotional bonds will be formed. Unless you are a cyborg. Someone will get hurt eventually from an arrangment such as this. Trust me, I know what i am talking about cos it happened to me. I thought I could separate the physical from the emotional. But I got sucked in anyway and the emotional anguish that ensued was, well, PAINFUL. You sure you wanna go there?
Gfkr2 Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Hi everybody. Is it possible for two married people (not to each other obviously) to be friends and lovers and nothing else? That is, not to fall in love with one another, but to be supportive of each other. And respect each other's lives. And have sex. I tried this with a friend of 9+ years. It didn't work to script. In addtion to the PA, we developed a significant EA despite promises it "would not happen to us". Well, it happened
Recommended Posts