bl22 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Love is just a game at times. After going through the most painful experience I've ever lived through so far in my life being left for someone else by my 'dream girl' I've begun to realise, love is just a game. What I mean by that is, once your past the initial 'honeymoon phase' of the relationship, it's all a matter of keeping the right balance of showing you care, without acting needy. It's a matter of keeping things fresh and exciting without being over the top. It's a matter of not getting to comfortable in the relationship, and feeling like nothing can ever go wrong, cause if it does, damn its a shock. It's about fighting off anybody who's attempting to spoil what you have without looking like a jealous controlling fool. It's about keeping up with exactly why they fell in love with you in the first place, if you become lazy and stop improving yourself there opinion will probably change. Also, it's about knowing how much to improve yourself without neglecting them in the meantime. It's about finding the right balance of 'I love you's' without it losing it's meaning. Finding the right balance of how much to spend on them, too much and they'll feel like theyre being 'bought' too less and they'll feel taken for granted. There is TONS of things in a relationship that need the right balance, when I was with the love of my life, I always thought it's about honesty and being open...when things went wrong I thought it'd be best to let it all out, tell her exactly how I feel...turns out that just made me look desperate and pushed her away. Doesnt matter if your the nicest guy in the world or the best looking, you need to strike the right balance of all these things or it will go wrong. Women like to feel like they've earned you and nobody else is capable of that, which makes them feel special. I'm sure there is a million more aspects of 'this game that is love' that could be discussed.
Don Ho Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Good post Bro. I can sum it up in 4 words: don't become a pussy.
thatsonlyme Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I agree with the OP but the question that comes to my mind is why do we need relationship then? Think about it, if I wanted to play a game my entire life, why would I settle with one person? In my opinion the relationship should be about two people being there for each other, through ups and downs. We all get weak at times and if I can't share it with my partner, if they will only see me as a pussy, then who am I supposed to turn to for help and support? When I look into my last relationship, everything was fine and dandy in the beginning. Endless fun, travel, great sex... It lasted for about a year or so. When we started living together and planning our future we introduced a less fun aspect into our lives. It was still good, we were still having fun, but facing real life problems is not easy. The end of our relationship started when she started having fun without me. New people she met appeared not to have nay problems, of course, they were only her hang out friends and I can see how I started looking more and more pathetic in her eyes. I was dealing with our issues while she was running away. Now, two months after our breakup, she's still running away, partying like crazy, getting wasted all the time, buying new clothes... She says she's only enjoying her life. I do the same thing now, but I'm aware that the only reason why I'm doing it is not to think about anything else. I think people now days have a wrong idea about committed relationships. It shouldn't be the game, it should be about being who you are and respecting each other as such. Of course we need to keep the spark alive, but that should be responsibility of both parties. When things go south I think that people should try to work on it instead of just running away. Just my 2 cents
lapse Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Good post indeed. Much wisdom in there. Like thatsonlyme, I'd rather think of it as an adventure than a game. As soon as the personal growth stagnates or stops, the co-adventure ends and solitary adventure begins again.
Don Ho Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I agree with the OP but the question that comes to my mind is why do we need relationship then? Think about it, if I wanted to play a game my entire life, why would I settle with one person? In my opinion the relationship should be about two people being there for each other, through ups and downs. We all get weak at times and if I can't share it with my partner, if they will only see me as a pussy, then who am I supposed to turn to for help and support? When I look into my last relationship, everything was fine and dandy in the beginning. Endless fun, travel, great sex... It lasted for about a year or so. Bro, I hate to tell you, but love and relationships are a game and they always will be. It may be difficult to accept, but it's the truth. If you have married friends that claim there are no games I can bet you money that one of them has control and has a natural ability for keeping things interesting and challenging. They will claim there are no games, but I'm sure they're there. Why do we need relationships? It's human nature to bond. Plus women want love and men want sex. I don't think humans are meant to be monogamous, it takes a lot of hard work and commitment to do that. You also kind of admitted it, your last relationship was great ... for about a year. Who are you suppose to turn to? Your friends and family. I used to think just like you. Now I understand it's not what or how I thought it was or should be. Sad, but true.
lapse Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 By games, are you referring to manipulations, Don and OP? I'm not going there... manipulations are not fun and erode trust in a snap. I'd rather be in no relationship at all.
thatsonlyme Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Bro, I hate to tell you, but love and relationships are a game and they always will be. It may be difficult to accept, but it's the truth. If you have married friends that claim there are no games I can bet you money that one of them has control and has a natural ability for keeping things interesting and challenging. They will claim there are no games, but I'm sure they're there. Why do we need relationships? It's human nature to bond. Plus women want love and men want sex. I don't think humans are meant to be monogamous, it takes a lot of hard work and commitment to do that. You also kind of admitted it, your last relationship was great ... for about a year. Who are you suppose to turn to? Your friends and family. I used to think just like you. Now I understand it's not what or how I thought it was or should be. Sad, but true. I guess you're right and that sucks. I always wanted to think that my partner should be my best friend. I agree that people are not meant to be monogamous. It's not like I never felt like I wanted someone else to spice up my life during last 5 years, but I was committed and never made any moves towards anyone. Sometimes I think people should just cheat once in a while, because that's obviously a human need. Why leave a good relationship just because you need some action? Our relationship was great in first year, very good for another 3 years and in free fall for the last year.
Tiredguy Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Love is just a game at times. After going through the most painful experience I've ever lived through so far in my life being left for someone else by my 'dream girl' I've begun to realise, love is just a game. What I mean by that is, once your past the initial 'honeymoon phase' of the relationship, it's all a matter of keeping the right balance of showing you care, without acting needy. It's a matter of keeping things fresh and exciting without being over the top. It's a matter of not getting to comfortable in the relationship, and feeling like nothing can ever go wrong, cause if it does, damn its a shock. It's about fighting off anybody who's attempting to spoil what you have without looking like a jealous controlling fool. It's about keeping up with exactly why they fell in love with you in the first place, if you become lazy and stop improving yourself there opinion will probably change. Also, it's about knowing how much to improve yourself without neglecting them in the meantime. It's about finding the right balance of 'I love you's' without it losing it's meaning. Finding the right balance of how much to spend on them, too much and they'll feel like theyre being 'bought' too less and they'll feel taken for granted. There is TONS of things in a relationship that need the right balance, when I was with the love of my life, I always thought it's about honesty and being open...when things went wrong I thought it'd be best to let it all out, tell her exactly how I feel...turns out that just made me look desperate and pushed her away. Doesnt matter if your the nicest guy in the world or the best looking, you need to strike the right balance of all these things or it will go wrong. Women like to feel like they've earned you and nobody else is capable of that, which makes them feel special. I'm sure there is a million more aspects of 'this game that is love' that could be discussed. Too much damn work in my opinion. I've decided I'm just going to sleep around for the rest of my good years and die alone, much less hassle tbh.
thatsonlyme Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Too much damn work in my opinion. I've decided I'm just going to sleep around for the rest of my good years and die alone, much less hassle tbh. Basically the same thing, you either have to play games in a relationship or play games just to get sex. Second option is more appealing for sure, at least it takes heart break out of equation. We die alone anyway. Relationships don't make a whole lot of sense. Just make enough friends with benefits and you won't be missing out much. I thinks that's the way to go.
Tiredguy Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Basically the same thing, you either have to play games in a relationship or play games just to get sex. Second option is more appealing for sure, at least it takes heart break out of equation. We die alone anyway. Relationships don't make a whole lot of sense. Just make enough friends with benefits and you won't be missing out much. I thinks that's the way to go. You got that right. I spent many years in the military and as a result had no real girlfriends. I finally got one, and she tore a hole through me. That ain't ever happenin again. No way, no how. She also killed the nice guy in me.
strength-abounds Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I agree with Don that humans are not biologically engineered to be mogonamous. My cheating, nasty, disgusting skank of an ex wife made me realize that in a hard way. With that being said, it will be a cold day in h**l if I ever go down the aisle again. It's just better to have FWB. Sex and nothing else.
starryeyed12 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I'm picking up on a little bitterness here... I really think that some people are not wired for long term love, and the reason is a combination of nature and nurture. Successful relationships don't always follow all the rules. My parents, grandparents, and aunts and uncles have been married for over 20 years, and I know for a fact that they haven't always followed that check list of things. Yet, their bonds have lasted the test of time and they are not in complete misery. I think finding the one and committing to stay together forever is an incredible feat. Some people get it, some people never will.
Don Ho Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Nahh! Dumpees are never bitter! Well that's the way it WAS with the previous generations. I don't think it's like that anymore. It was a different world, time and thinking process back then. Plus more traditional roles; the man in command and the woman more submissive. The women's movement probably did a lot for women, but it didn't do much for marriages and families.
lapse Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I think finding the one and committing to stay together forever is an incredible feat. Some people get it, some people never will. I think we often forget, too, that long-term commitment is a choice. Very often it is a choice more than a passion-driven impetus.
starryeyed12 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Hmmm, I agree, but only to certain extent. I do think that the home is different now a days, broken in some senses. I'm also sure that each generation has used the explaination "times were different then," but really everything is relative. Divorce may have risen in the last decades, but older people who were married decades ago also make up the figure in the divorce rate. And lots of people in their 40s and 50s are getting remarried. How do we account for that? Women have had more freedoms for decades. My mother's generation was one that began to reap those seeds of change. She is a business woman making 6 figures at the company shes been with for decades...she's in her 50s. My father made money in a family business that went under when I was young, so he took night classes to become a self practicing attorney. My mother ended up becoming the breadwinner of the family. They just celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary last August. I happen to know a lot of other families like this. Maybe there is something in the water here... Whatever it is I hope it will rub off on me soon...
Woggle Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Marriages back then were different. Today it is a whole new ballgame.
Woggle Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 A whole new ball game? How so? Just read this board.
starryeyed12 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I'm sorry, I guess I don't understand what you mean. Have there not been cheaters and betrayers since the dawn of man? Have men and women not played games with love for centuries? That part of human nature has been in the ballgame for quite some time now.
skydiveaddict Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I'm sorry, I guess I don't understand what you mean. Have there not been cheaters and betrayers since the dawn of man? Have men and women not played games with love for centuries? That part of human nature has been in the ballgame for quite some time now. Fidelity and loyalty used to mean a lot more in the past than it does now. You can easily trace the rate of divorce. Compare 50 years ago to today. The difference is staggering.
Woggle Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I'm sorry, I guess I don't understand what you mean. Have there not been cheaters and betrayers since the dawn of man? Have men and women not played games with love for centuries? That part of human nature has been in the ballgame for quite some time now. Now it has pretty much taken over the game.
starryeyed12 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I'm going to have to respectfully disagree on this one. We are in the break up forum now aren't we. Just trying to keep a little perspective here. People who were married decades ago and stayed married were not necessarily happily involved, and many were in downright cold relationships. There was great societial pressure to stay together. There's also the phenomenon of people in their 40s and 50s now getting divorced and even remarried. Isn't the goal to be as happy and fulfilled as we can in our lives? So what if people stayed together only because they felt they had to and were lonely in the process. The goal is understanding, friendship, respect, and yes love. The OP was trying to explain things that he has learned after a failed relationship (like all of us here) about how to keep and maintain a relationship that can stand the test of time. I was simply pointing out that human nature and love are very complex and sometimes relationships that don't follow the rules work out. Finding that special someone to go the distance with may take some of us many, many wrong turns and missteps. Some may never find it, and its truly a miracle to those who do.
Fern Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 People who have lasting relationships are the kind of people who draw a line in the sand and say 'This is the one that is going to work.' They understand that the 'passion' is always going to fade - no matter who you're with, so if you want to have a lasting relationship and all the benefits that brings - family, monetary, companionship etc - you need to commit to someone. My ex had no decent relationship role model - his parents were miserable and I suspect he'll spend a very, very long time chasing that 'New relationship' feeling over and over again. He might never make the connection. I hope he does - he's not an evil person and he deserves to be happy. He just needs to grow up and sort himself out. Right now, I feel like I'm never going to live with a man ever again. By choice. It seems to me that the ONLY reason to risk that over-familiarity and lack of mystery that comes with living together, is if you have children. Then the children become the bond that cements your relationship. I have no desire at this point in my life to ever have children - therefore I think I'll try to keep my independence. I imagine that it would help keep a relationship fresh not living together.
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