shoppaholic Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Hello, I just need to write this to get it out of my system. I am an MW and met a MM, he assured me that under no circumstances would he leave his W and I did not want to leave my H. However, here we are just 4 weeks down the line and he has fallen deeply in love with me, and tells me that he has never felt this way about anyone. He has had 2 short lived affairs, in the past but ended them as the other parties got too emotionally atttached and he didnt feel anything. He says he has never felt this way about anyone, he has told me he loves me, and I admit I havent told him i love him, but i certainly felt that way. We were together for the first time yesterday and it was lovely,we have gotten to know each other first. MM is planning to leave his wife, he says he has been plannning for some time, and i am not to blame for this. He has told me all about his financial situation and offered to give me money to get out of my situation etc. I have worries though that if i did go to him, he would cheat on me, does that sound really strange? I cant get that out of my head, he says this is different and that he has never felt like this ever, and that it was because of the lack of attention from his W that he sought attention in the past. Yesterday, i was alone waiting in his car, so being nosey, i know it was bad!! i picked up a note pad and flicked through it. There was a mobile number on the back page, no name or details which i thought was odd, so i memorised it and rang it this morning. A woman answered, so it set me off thinking is this from a long time ago or recent, can the leopard ever change its spots, or is it completely innocent???????? I cant go ahead and ask him cause he'll know ive been looking, but it has gotten me worried. I know he wouldnt have time for someone else with the amount of time we spend together, it was just the thought he had gotten the number. What would you do, help..............
UntoldStory Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I would say only that if you're starting off an R with someone feeling like you need to snoop around his stuff and call a number you found in his car, you're definitely not starting off on the right foot. Personally, I would either come clean with MM that you have snooped and tell him why and give him the chance to explain, or exit the situation asap. Your heart is telling you something is wrong, right from the beginning. You should listen to it!
Author shoppaholic Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 I looked around and rang the number because I was concerned, he assures me that he isnt/wont be interested in this kind of life when we are together, but i just dont know whether i'll be able to get it out of my head or whether i'll always be suspicious of him.
greengoddess Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 lol you are married and cheating and you are worried if the married cheater you are with will cheat on you. oh the irony. four weeks is not enough time to know anything about anyone. You better be sure you don't want your marriage anymore because this guy will cause you a d day after he leaves his wife.
Author shoppaholic Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 oh the irony. because this guy will cause you a day after he leaves his wife. I know! I dont understand your last comment though?
Author shoppaholic Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 (edited) Sorry I can see you have edited now,thanks! We have discussed this and said that if either of us leave its got to be for our own reasons and not purely for each other. He has been thinking of leaving for some time,but i know what you mean! Edited October 28, 2010 by shoppaholic
UntoldStory Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I looked around and rang the number because I was concerned, he assures me that he isnt/wont be interested in this kind of life when we are together, but i just dont know whether i'll be able to get it out of my head or whether i'll always be suspicious of him. If you are asking yourself this now, having just met him and while in the oxytocin-laden affair fog, the answer is no, I don't think you'll be able to get it out of your head. It's not good to start an R this way.
Author shoppaholic Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Why cant i get over the leopard never changes its spots thing, he hasnt done anything to make me doubt him, and has told me everything about the previous situations,his life etc. I just am perhaps insecure in myself???
greengoddess Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Sorry I can see you have edited now,thanks! We have discussed this and said that if either of us leave its got to be for our own reasons and not purely for each other. He has been thinking of leaving for some time,but i know what you mean! you're getting doublespeak from him. He told you he would not leave his wife and then four short weeks later he tells you he's been thinking about leaving for a while. His attachment to you this quickly scares me. I really think if he leaves his wife he will do whatever he can to get you to leave your husband.If you were looking for a safe affair with another married person I don't think this is it. If this is an exit affair for you then it may work but I doubt it. You will both have trust issues since you both started the relationship as cheaters. Can I ask, why are you cheating on your husband?
UntoldStory Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Why cant i get over the leopard never changes its spots thing, he hasnt done anything to make me doubt him, and has told me everything about the previous situations,his life etc. I just am perhaps insecure in myself??? But he has - by his own admission, he's cheated on his wife twice before he even met you! And, you've only known him for 4 weeks, in a secret relationship. You really don't have enough to go on to trust him or not trust him. It sounds like you really really want to believe him, so you'll do whatever it takes to keep the affair fog going, including ignoring your own best judgment. Once the fog lifts, you'll be able to see more clearly. Good luck!
Author shoppaholic Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Yes, of course Goddess. We are more like brother/sister than lovers, he also has quite intimidatory tendencies towards me, and generally all the excitement/little fun there was has gone. I dont really find him attractive now.
Author shoppaholic Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 But he has - by his own admission, he's cheated on his wife twice before he even met you! It sounds like you really really want to believe him, so you'll do whatever it takes to keep the affair fog going, including ignoring your own best judgment. Once the fog lifts, you'll be able to see more clearly. Good luck! I am inclined to agree with you, but there are stories of people on here who have got together and stayed together from A's.
greengoddess Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Yes, of course Goddess. We are more like brother/sister than lovers, he also has quite intimidatory tendencies towards me, and generally all the excitement/little fun there was has gone. I dont really find him attractive now. so do you think your affair is an exit affair from your husband? do you think it may be healthier for you mentally to leave your marriage before having another man waiting in the wings? Have you spoken with your husband? Maybe he feels the same way and you could have a very easy divorce without making him go through the pain of discovering you having an affair first. Can you picture your life without your husband? I'm just trying to get you to think a little bit about the situation as a whole, not as your affair partner situation separate from your married life but as one big entanglement when it comes to light.
Author shoppaholic Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 No I dont think it is an exit affair, ive never felt like this before, it just seems such a shame we met in this way. Basically intending to have a bit of fun, but we seem to gel so well. I am very private, I have felt i can tell him anything since our early meetings. He tells me stuff hes not told anyone. We talk for hours and seem to really have a lot in common. I can picture things without H, but i know he would be absolutely devastated. I can trust him never to cheat on me, he offers alot of security,but thats not really a good reason to stay with someone is it!
greengoddess Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 have you considered you can tell each other everything because you do not have each other up on a moral pedestal because you are both in an affair? That you feel he can't judge you for anything when he is involved in an affair? That the stigma of the mutual affair lessens anything else you've done or feel. If he's serious about leaving his wife and you don't want to devastate your husband then you have to dump this guy now. I don't think he is emotionally stable. If he doesn't cause you you a d day his wife will when she finds out you're married.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Yes, of course Goddess. We are more like brother/sister than lovers, he also has quite intimidatory tendencies towards me, and generally all the excitement/little fun there was has gone. I dont really find him attractive now. Ok, honey, now you've got my head spinning. If you can say the above about him, why do you even want a relationship with him?????
Author shoppaholic Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 (edited) Ok, honey, now you've got my head spinning. If you can say the above about him, why do you even want a relationship with him????? I would just say because it is running along and i havent done anything about it. I thought everything apart from his intimidatory ways, were normal, there is no bad atmosphere, falling out etc, but then theres nothing else either, and this meeting MM has made me think twice. Edited October 28, 2010 by shoppaholic
Fieldsofgold Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Ok, so I can understand that you might want to D your H. But I really think you are being rash and foolish to think that what you feel for the AP is anything more than an oxytocin high. It's way too soon to know someone only a few weeks. Yes, sometimes people do marry their AP, and it works out. As far as I know, the AP was not a serial cheater like yours. The W of the AP was a really difficult person who gave her H lots of incentives to want out. So there are lots of differences there. Also, sometimes, often, IF the MM does actually leave his W, often, he goes back to her. My H left me for his OW, divorced me, married her, 4 years later wanted to come home to me. When I refused, he divorced his W/OW and married his then-current OW! What I'm saying is that if/when you get this guy - it's very likely he ain't no prize. And you're very smart to bensuspicious of a phone #. You know he's cheated twice already. Three times counting you. What else do you need to know?
steelknife Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Hello, I just need to write this to get it out of my system. of my situation etc. I have worries though that if i did go to him, he would cheat on me, does that sound really strange? I cant get that out of my head, he says this is different and that he has never felt like this ever, and that it was because of the lack of attention from his W that he sought attention in the past. Yesterday, i was alone waiting in his car, so being nosey, i know it was bad!! i picked up a note pad and flicked through it. There was a mobile number on the back page, no name or details which i thought was odd, so i memorised it and rang it this morning. A woman answered, so it set me off thinking is this from a long time ago or recent, can the leopard ever change its spots, or is it completely innocent???????? I cant go ahead and ask him cause he'll know ive been looking, but it has gotten me worried. I know he wouldnt have time for someone else with the amount of time we spend together, it was just the thought he had gotten the number. What would you do, help.............. *YAWN. sound so familiar. it hurts. and yeah. if the wife decides to give him back all the attention, where would you go then? *you know what, this is not true at all. i thought of that too. the very little free time he has, he spent it with me. but come to thnk of it. he can spend it elsewhere. and with his background and history, he will. am not with him 24/7, and if he lives with his wife 24/7, and she doesnt know the secret life he HAS WITH ME, then what is stopping him from telling me that he is with his wife, but is really with anohter ow? stop now. while youre ahead. it is not worth it. the pain and hurt at the end of all this, when youve fallen too deep is just not worth all the self esteem and dignity you lose.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 About him not having time to see another woman - my H walked to the store every Sunday morning to get a six pack of sodas and a pack of cigarettes. Well, actually, not quite. He kept all that stashed in his car. What he really did was walk out our door, and into the neighbor's door, where he would have his little fling, retreive the soda and sigs from his car, and come back home. My kitchen window overlooked the neighbor's door. I never once caught him. She told me, after he left me for yet another woman. You just can't keep that close tabs on them. It's just not possible. If they want to cheat, they will find a way.
Author shoppaholic Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 We had a chat last night about this situation and he is happy for me to even look after the finances/ cards / work from home etc to prove he wants just me and only me. He says he cant say anymore to me, to make me believe/ not believe him and is undertaking counselling to sort himself out. Obviously time is of the essence, and i dont know him well enough to even begin to trust him yet, but he really seems head over heels and has spoken to a solicitor about divorcing W. I spoke about going back to her but he says he has already thought about leaving before i came along, and they spend so much time apart anyway. I still dont know whether I can trust or not... i dont know what
OWoman Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Shop, if you're feeling unhappy in your M - mend it or end it on its own terms, not because you're under pressure to be the missing piece in some other person's puzzle. If he wants to leave his M, fair enough - let him do so, but don't let him put pressure on you to do likewise until you are certain in your own mind that your M is over. The question of whether or not to trust him is a separate issue, IMO, and shouldn't be conflated with ending or staying in your M. Once you have decided on whether or not your M has a future, then you can decide whether or not to pursue a R with this man or not - doing it the other way would be arse about face. If you decide to end your M, and he has ended his M, and you are both free to pursue a full-time R, then the question can arise about whether or not you trust him sufficiently to pursue one. Right now that question is premature. When / if you find yourself in that unfettered space, then you can take it slowly and get to know him better - as you would any other guy - before throwing yourself into it boots and all. If, OTOH, either or both of you decide to remain M, and you're looking at continuing an A rather than embarking on a f/t R, then the question of trust takes on a different hue. Your parameters would be different, your expectations different and it would be quite possible to pursue a p/t A where you both knew each had others on the side (a W, or another GF, or a H...) if that was what you wanted. But if what you're looking for is something exclusive between just the two of you - you have other bridges to cross first before you're in a position to consider that.
Author shoppaholic Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 Thanks OW for such sensible words. I just feel we need to get to know each other and i need to think more about what i want as you say. Getting too caught up in the detail of it i suppose at the moment. I did suggest it would be better for us both to leave on separate terms without involving each other, as i thought that was fairer on all parts, but i dont know why he didnt want that, yet he seems so set on going? I wonder whether he is thinking he will only go if i do? I dont know, but i did mention this and i will do again.
jj33 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 First of all the woman could have been anyone. A colleague, a customer (someone work related generally) a doctor for his kids, you have NO idea. Women are 50% of the population at least arent they? And if you were calling a cell rather than a landline you wouldnt get the receptionist saying xyz company. Even if it was a landline, you have no idea. So the fact that you snooped and felt the need to call a number is bad bad bad. This is not I feel it in my bones this is the man I am meant to be with love. This is Im having a great time, dont ever let it end lust and fun. I would also be VERY wary of ANYONE who told me that they loved me in a month. Maybe Im odd that way but I think it takes more than a month to really know someone. It wouldnt feel sincere to me. I could understand I am having the best time with you, I feel like Ive known you longer than a month, if it hadnt been a month Id say I am in love with you but I love you ??? I dont know. Im more restrained that way and even if I felt that way for someone a month is just too quick. Id be waiting for the other shoe to drop. That being said there are some people you just know are meant for you the moment you meet them. But you dont snoop in their cars and believe every phone number is an OOW. There is a blatant inconsistency there. Think hard about that. You need to come clean with him and ask him about this. If he doesnt respond in a way that makes you comfortable you have your answer. The only thing that can end is a fantasy. And you are married. You dont need that.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Hello, I just need to write this to get it out of my system. I am an MW and met a MM, he assured me that under no circumstances would he leave his W and I did not want to leave my H. why not? if you are cheating on your H, then why do you want to stay? because its convenient for you? However, here we are just 4 weeks down the line and he has fallen deeply in love with me, and tells me that he has never felt this way about anyone. He has had 2 short lived affairs, in the past but ended them as the other parties got too emotionally atttached and he didnt feel anything. so basically he doesn't want to leave his marriage, but wants to keep disrespecting his wife by having multiple affairs. whatta guy! He says he has never felt this way about anyone, he has told me he loves me, and I admit I havent told him i love him, but i certainly felt that way. We were together for the first time yesterday and it was lovely,we have gotten to know each other first. MM is planning to leave his wife well at least that is one thing he will be doing right by her. no need to waste any more of her short time on this planet. he says he has been plannning for some time, and i am not to blame for this. well then he isn't being consistent. because you already said he told you that no way he was going to leave his wife...now he is. so I'd say it IS because of you. He has told me all about his financial situation and offered to give me money to get out of my situation etc. GREAT! take it and get a divorce so you can set your husband free from you. I have worries though that if i did go to him, he would cheat on me thats very likely, almost guaranteed. , does that sound really strange? not at all, the OM of my xW's is now with her and jealous as hell because he can't trust her. LMFAO I cant get that out of my head, he says this is different and that he has never felt like this ever, and that it was because of the lack of attention from his W that he sought attention in the past. Yesterday, i was alone waiting in his car, so being nosey, i know it was bad!! i picked up a note pad and flicked through it. There was a mobile number on the back page, no name or details which i thought was odd, so i memorised it and rang it this morning. A woman answered, so it set me off thinking is this from a long time ago or recent, can the leopard ever change its spots, or is it completely innocent???????? I cant go ahead and ask him cause he'll know ive been looking let me get this straight...you can betray your husband and lie to him....but you can't let the OM that something is suspicious and you decided to look? please.....divorce your husband. you have no respect for him to do this to him, but feel that the OM is deserving of a helluva lot more consideration
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