siuys Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 As some of you know, I am in an R with a separated MM. It's been about 9 months. Despite things having settled down a tad in recent weeks, he is still very much unstable and I don't really know where it's headed. I have been working on my fears and my strength on the emotional front to deal with everything and am getting exhausted. I have decided to date and have re-activated my profile on an online dating site. I just want to meet some guys, go on a few dates and have a little fun. Everything with MM has been intense, a lot of times dark and heavy and frankly, I'm getting really sick of it. Some of you might question whether this is 'ethical' or the right thing to do. But I have decided it may bring me back a little sanity. I am not looking for an R, just a little dating fun. Hell, MM has a family and still married. So if I need to chill, so does he. Will let you all know if anything comes of this.
maravilla Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I say way to go. I'm about ready to do the same and it hasn't been nearly 9 months. I don't know how you've been able to stand it. Does MM know of your plans to date? Or does he think you're waiting for him to get divorced? Just wondering. Because for me, if I decide to date, I'm pretty much kissing my MM goodbye, if I tell him, which I would, because I can't seem to keep anything from him and because if I get to that point, I know I'm done. I don't think much good would come of me dating if I wasn't ready to get over MM. I want to be ready to get over him if he's not ready to get divorced. So I think whatever you have to do, you should do. Life is short! I am already regretting these minutes I am wasting trying to figure out what he's going to do. I just want to live my own life. So good for you for living yours.
Author siuys Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 I am not going to tell MM. I am dating for fun, not because I want to split with MM. It's for my sanity. And if I happen to meet a guy I am really into, c'est la vie. I do love MM, but he is still married, we are not on a level playing field. I figured I can sit here and be miserable and think about him all the time, and wondering this and that, or I could go out and have fun. That way, I can give us the space we need - space for me to get on with my life, space for him to sort out his issues. He knows that if he takes too long he could lose me. That's just the way it is. I'm not done with MM, but I need to live my life too. He doesn't need to know like I don't need to know about every little thing he is doing, or every conversation he is having with his W at MC!!!!
maravilla Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Oh my, so he is in MC? What are you waiting around for him for? I guess I should ask myself the same question and mine's not in MC. I do think you should find a single guy. I understand your reasoning. You still feel a connection to MM but you know you have other options and you are ready to move on if he doesn't do what it takes to be with you. Well. I think that's how it should be. There's no other way. He can't have you and his wife. So cheers to you and have fun because life is really too short to be waiting around on someone who can't fully be with you.
UntoldStory Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Thumbs up for the dating, siuys. But I don't know why you wouldn't tell your MM about it? As you say, he's got his own primary relationship and if he's still in MC, that means he's still "working on it." So I would think he would understand and it would give him a reality check that you don't have to wait around for him. I can't remember, does his W know about you?
Patrice Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Absolutely get out there and shop around a bit. If the MM is in MC .. how is this fair to you or the wife? He's cake eating .. then consider how unfair it is for you to have to hear about his MC sessions. Very strange indeed ... take care of your own needs now.
In_Repair Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Good. Very good. Dating other people is a great way to keep from getting completely sucked into the role of the classic OW/OM. The worst thing you can do is let yourself fall into a position of having your life revolve around your MPs schedule, and allowing them to feel they have exclusive rights to you when you obviously can't enjoy the same feelings regarding them. Even if it's just a few platonic meetings with other men, it will put you on a different playing field when your MP starts with the mind games. Be open to the men you date and engage them in conversation. These people can keep you grounded and allow you a better perspective of your relationship with MP. As for telling your MP that you are dating... well, why not? You don't have to give specifics, and you don't need to feel guilty about it. The explanation should consist of nothing more than "I don't like sitting home alone while you are off with your wife/husband". I never offered up information about the other women I dated while I was with my MW, but I never denied anything either. No reason to... Like I'm going to worry about hiding a girlfriend when her husband got rubbed in my face, in some form or another, on a daily basis. Scared it will drive them away? I broke up with my MW a year ago, for another woman I was dating, and she STILL wants to get back together.
sc58 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I was thinking about doing this too...Just to get my mind off of him and his W. It drives me crazy thinking of the two of them together. There's this guy that asked me out a while ago and I turned him down, but ran into him again recently and he asked me out for lunch, so I accepted as at the time, I was NC with my MM. I am no longer NC with MM, and while he claims he's going to get a divorce after the holidays, getting through the holidays will be difficult. I think it would be much easier if I was distracted with someone else. And like you, I'm not considering dating because I don't want to be with my MM, but hey, this guy is really nice, SINGLE, and way closer to my age. If it looks like it could turn into something more than just "dating fun," then why the hell not? MM's married, he's not!
2sure Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Just a heads up: When I was OW I was always open to dating, but anytime I was seeing a MM I had a hard time finding men I wanted to date. On the other hand, when I was not involved with a MM I had no problem. Ive learned that being open to date is not the same as being available...so while its good to go out and have some normal interaction with available men...its almost impossible to replace a MM with an available guy while you are still in the affair. just some info I learned
20Seconds Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I can;t see it's a bad idea, as long as you take it at a pace you're comfortable with and make sure it's light and fun and casual? I finished with MM and went NC just over a week ago and although we hadn;t seen each other for 3 months I was still very much "in" the A. I knew the only way for me stop thinking about him was to get moving on as quickly as possible. TBH I felt so relieved and empowered to have made that decision, I signed up on a dating site and went on my first date last night It felt great - went to the pub of my choice at the time that I wanted to - really nice guy, probably not for me, but it was just a casual thing. It's really boosted my confidence too. How lovely it was to arrange something without all the angst as to whether it would actually happen, how nice it was for the guy to text openly about the arrangements instead of it all having to be cloak and dagger. How nice it was to be able to tell my friends I had a date!! Every day I find myself thinking less and less about MM and more and more about me and what I want. I think once I feel I have got MM out of my system I will be able to spend some time reflecting, but for now I just need the distraction. Wishing you good luck, go and have some fun!!!
Author siuys Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Really sounds like I should do the dating thing! Well, my profile is online so will see what happens. MM in MC - accordingly to him, it's to understand what happened and what went wrong, and to move forward. He said it's helpful for him and he is extending the courtesy to his W, who asked for MC a few months back. They are very decent people, and I don't believe they are 'working on it' unless the entire thing was a lie. I will never know. I can only trust what he tells me. No, she doesn't know about me. No one knows about me and it's starting to bother me. I don't need to meet anyone yet, as I am nowhere ready, but not a single soul even KNOWS about me. My friends and family knows about MM, but only my sister has met him once. So the whole thing is still very much a secret. Sometimes I feel like just ending it for good. It will be so much easier. I wonder why I should complicate my life.
jwi71 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 This is so odd to me. You want to pursue an open R (transition from A to R) with "your MM" and the way to do that is...cheat on him. Do you honestly believe this is a course of action which leads you to the outcome you want with him? I would suggest a heart-to-heart talk with him. Tell him what you want. Demand ACTION on his part (ie Divorce). If he refuses, then you can inform him you are NOT waiting around and thus you will begin dating other men. But to simply mimic his behavior is not, in my view, the best way to go.
carhill Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Yeah, I'm kinda by the dynamic of surveying other potentials whilst still apparently being emotionally attached to the MM. OP, seriously, what do you want to happen? Adjunct to that, what role do you think is healthy for other humans to play in your plan of action? I ask this because I've been used in such plans of action and find the whole thing a bit distasteful. If I even got a whiff of such dynamics in a woman I found attractive and asked out on a date, I'd be gone. I presume this is why the overwhelming majority of LS ladies, when asked, would not date a separated man like myself, even 'casually'. Anyway, I hope you find what you're looking for...
GreenEyedLady Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 This is so odd to me. You want to pursue an open R (transition from A to R) with "your MM" and the way to do that is...cheat on him. Do you honestly believe this is a course of action which leads you to the outcome you want with him? I would suggest a heart-to-heart talk with him. Tell him what you want. Demand ACTION on his part (ie Divorce). If he refuses, then you can inform him you are NOT waiting around and thus you will begin dating other men. But to simply mimic his behavior is not, in my view, the best way to go. You took the words right out of my mouth. I wouldn't be waiting for my man to finish marriage counseling either. The reason to be in MC is to work on the M. I think you should say C'est la vie like yesterday. GEL
BB07 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Well I gotta go with the flow on that marriage counseling thing, that is total BS! I'm afraid he is snowing you and the wife and himself also. He is trying to cover his own ass at the expense of everyone else by going to MC.
pureinheart Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Yeah, I'm kinda by the dynamic of surveying other potentials whilst still apparently being emotionally attached to the MM. OP, seriously, what do you want to happen? Adjunct to that, what role do you think is healthy for other humans to play in your plan of action? I ask this because I've been used in such plans of action and find the whole thing a bit distasteful. If I even got a whiff of such dynamics in a woman I found attractive and asked out on a date, I'd be gone. I presume this is why the overwhelming majority of LS ladies, when asked, would not date a separated man like myself, even 'casually'. Anyway, I hope you find what you're looking for... I agree, I've been used in that capacity and have done it myself and it's not real cool IMO. Certainly we won't be completely over the people we have had in our lives, although there won't be that "longing" for them. I have hesitated concerning R's for quite some time now, there is unfinished business, and I will know what the time is right...who knows, it could be tomorrow, but in the meantime I don't want to hurt anybody or for them to be caught up in any mess. CH, you are different...you are straight up. Personally I would trust a person like you.
carhill Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Reviewing, if the OP is clear with potential 'dates' that she is still not ready for a relationship but rather looking for 'fun' (she can decide if that fun includes sex or not), then men who are interested in relationships can make an informed decision. I personally prefer to date single, unattached women, and the OP clearly wouldn't be amongst them. It's a preference, not an indictment. She'll find the kind of men she seeks. What that process portends for a future LTR only time will tell. Hope it works out.
Ellin Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 This is so odd to me. You want to pursue an open R (transition from A to R) with "your MM" and the way to do that is...cheat on him. Do you honestly believe this is a course of action which leads you to the outcome you want with him? I would suggest a heart-to-heart talk with him. Tell him what you want. Demand ACTION on his part (ie Divorce). If he refuses, then you can inform him you are NOT waiting around and thus you will begin dating other men. But to simply mimic his behavior is not, in my view, the best way to go. It's kind of hard to call dating others "cheating" on someone who is not in an entirely committed exclusive R with you. Commitment and exclusivity in a R is meant to be a two-way street.
Ellin Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Reviewing, if the OP is clear with potential 'dates' that she is still not ready for a relationship but rather looking for 'fun' (she can decide if that fun includes sex or not), then men who are interested in relationships can make an informed decision. I personally prefer to date single, unattached women, and the OP clearly wouldn't be amongst them. It's a preference, not an indictment. She'll find the kind of men she seeks. What that process portends for a future LTR only time will tell. Hope it works out. I agree that if the OP is not deceiving anyone then this is a good move in her situation, while she still doesn't know where she's standing with the MM. I would add that it would be better to also be honest with MM and not do it entirely behind his back. Siuys, you can tell him that while he cannot commit to you, you need to think about your life, your future and your happiness and give yourself the best chance you can, so you're thinking about meeting other people just for fun. I gather that you just want to see if you can meet anyone interesting, which is totally understandable. So if you're not planning to have a sexual R in secret from your MM but just want to go out and see what's there, he shouldn't be angry with you as long as he cannot give you what you want. You can tell him that you might be seeing people but won't have a R with them without informing him first. Or something like that. But yes, you don't have to limit yourself for a man who is not 100% ready to give you what you deserve.
lil_miss Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Just a heads up: When I was OW I was always open to dating, but anytime I was seeing a MM I had a hard time finding men I wanted to date. On the other hand, when I was not involved with a MM I had no problem. Ive learned that being open to date is not the same as being available...so while its good to go out and have some normal interaction with available men...its almost impossible to replace a MM with an available guy while you are still in the affair. just some info I learned hey im new here but its nice to be in a place where we all seem to be singing the same song... it all rings so true to me especially the above.. i know dating other people would be the smart thing to do, its fair right? i mean MM has his own life going on so why shouldnt i? but it DOES feel like cheating and as ironic as it is that im the other woman ive never been able to cheat on someone i totally care about... thinking you SHOULD be dating is very different to really WANTING to date. i wish i could get to the place where i wanted to....
carhill Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Disclosure and transparency. Perhaps the OP can set an example which MM can follow in his life. Since, by her own admission, he appears 'unstable', clear and proactive action by herself could be healthy guidance and support for him; as LS'ers sometimes call it, 'tough love'. So, OP, I'll consolidate my advice. Tell MM that you're going to date others, then do that. Tell others upfront that you're not interested in a relationship. If you're having sex with both men simultaneously, be sure to protect yourself, and them, or disclose your poly-sexual behaviors to all and they can protect themselves as they see fit. 'I'm not in an exclusive sexual relationship and I want to make sure we're both protected' This might sound over-analytical, but I presume that most people, unlike myself, have sex with people they date 'for fun'. Better to be safe than sorry, or pregnant
GreenEyedLady Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 It's kind of hard to call dating others "cheating" on someone who is not in an entirely committed exclusive R with you. Commitment and exclusivity in a R is meant to be a two-way street. Sorry. It's cheating when the other person doesn't know about it. Honesty should be a two way street. And honestly if you're able to date others when you "love" someone else, I don't think you love them all that much. I think she should just be honest with him. And then get outta there. GEL
Ellin Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 (edited) Sorry. It's cheating when the other person doesn't know about it. Honesty should be a two way street. And honestly if you're able to date others when you "love" someone else, I don't think you love them all that much. I think she should just be honest with him. And then get outta there. GEL That's what I said too about honesty. And I don't know what OP means by dating, but if it's just getting out and discovering her options, while she's unhappy in her current situation, there's nothing wrong or contradictory to loving someone in that. Having a sexual R with someone else for pure "fun" is a different story. Edited October 29, 2010 by Ellin
newlife2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I am not going to tell MM. I am dating for fun, not because I want to split with MM. Huh?!?! If you are happily "with" MM, then why would you want to be with other men at all? Do you not see that you are doing this because you don't WANT to be tied down to a man who is married and committed to someone else?!? Dating is not about "fun". Not ultimately. Dating is fun, but that isn't the point. It's supposed to be the precursor to developing a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. You supposedly have that, in theory at least, with MM, right? If you aren't happy with it, then deal with it before you start dating. And by the way, I'm not saying that for his interests. You mentioned it might be 'unethical' for you to date when involved with him. You have that backwards, actually. You are the single person, and he is the married person. I am saying it for YOUR interests. If you feel the need to date others, then you need to get out of this 'relationship' with MM. Just my opinion.
Pokemon Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 What? No way is it unethical! He's been playing both sides for awhile now, it's only fair that you be selfish about your needs too! There is no "fair" or "unfair" anymore.. If you ask me, you being the third party is a huge injustice done by the MM already. Go out there and date! I hope you meet someone cute, successful, single and loves you! Be strong.
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