thelittlemermaid Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I started going out with a guy over the summer... things were fun until he mentioned that sometimes he questioned his sexuality. When he finally said that sometimes he wondered if he were gay, we agreed to stop seeing each other so that he could clear his mind to figure this out. So far so good. He has a shrink that he's working with and he's been going to places and events where he can spend time with gay people to see how he reacts. It's tough for me, but that's life sometimes. We agreed that we wouldn't see each other through this process, and really I felt that given this guy was in his mid-thirties, given that he's still not sure, chances are strong that he is, in fact gay. Even if our sex life has been good and he doesn't at all seem gay. That's life. I've had a tough year, and I've just started a new, highly challenging career. I'm tired and I don't have much energy for the emotional mess that this brings, so I tried to cut my losses as best as I can. After a couple of weeks, this guy got in touch to say that he wanted to see me again, just as friends. I figured that once in a while is OK. But then he started writing me highly emotional letters and emails, he's left me flowers, and gotten emotional when we see each other, even after I tell him that the best thing to do is to keep things light. The last time I saw him was at a concert, he was really physically touchy to the point that I just felt claustrophobic and had to go home. He wanted me to come home with him to hold me in his arms again, and I'm just thinking really? I don't understand anything. Now he wants to see me more than once a week and he wants to help me move to my new apartment In case he's panicking that I might leave him for someone else while he's feeling fragile like this, I repeat to him over and over again that I won't do a thing like that right now. But he's still insistent on getting closer to me even though he's not able to define his sexuality. He says that he hasn't yet met a man that he's attracted to, he doesn't get aroused by men.. he gets turned on by the lesbians at his gay events... but he just wants to be extra sure that there's nothing there so that he won't hurt me in the future. What the hell is going on? Does anybody think they know? - Seriously confused
Don Ho Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I really wouldn't care what he's confused about or why. You are clearly getting tired of the whole thing and feeling repulsed by him. I sure as hell wouldn't be waiting around for someone to figure it out. Ironically, he's made you a Plan B ... over the possibility of being gay or bi. There are tons of guys out there that don't have hang ups and question their sexuality. Cut your loses now and go find one.
welikeincrowds Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Whatever is happening in his head, I'm sure you'd be curious to know, but that's not what strikes me as important here. For whatever reason, he has told you he cannot commit to you. Therefore it is important that you enforce your boundaries with him during this time. He should absolutely not be allowed to get away with "getting closer" and other such behaviors, until he makes up his mind with absolute certainty. Don't be afraid of going back to no contact. In fact, I might say don't be afraid to give him a deadline. I realize sexual identity is confusing but again, that isn't the issue. He is putting you and your relationship under stress for selfish reasons and he must be held accountable for it.
Citizen Erased Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Someone that is unsure of their sexuality by that age isn't someone I would consider dating in the future. I want to tell you to forget him but that's based on how I would react. How would you feel if he came to you tomorrow and said he was being silly, he is really sure about his preferences and he loves you. Would you still have doubts? Would you be able to live with wondering if he will change his mind 5/10/20 years down the line?
Banega100 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 ask him what sex he's been knocking one out to for the past 15 years! but seriously do your best to move on.
Don Ho Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Would you be able to live with wondering if he will change his mind 5/10/20 years down the line? Exactly. Sorry, but you need to find a guy that doesn't question his orientation.
Author thelittlemermaid Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Thanks all for the input. Pretty much reflects my own feelings.
Don Ho Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I guess it's a little like him saying he thinks he might have something for farm animals or S&M and he just wants to "try it" before he can continue with you. Who cares. Kick his a$$ to the curb.
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