26.2 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Ok here's the deal (and I totally just joined this site for this damned problem!): I met a guy at work (lets call him W) and my heart almost gagged me the moment I laid eyes on him. No, he's not the hottest guy I've seen and/or dated before.... its something else. His eyes or something, I'm terribly cheesy! Anyhow, there was obvious tension between us we were both dating other people at the time. I have not felt like this for someone since my very first boyfriend in HS. I am 30 yrs old with 2 kids and this stupid feeling is almost new to me. I realized that I had to break up with my then boyfriend regardless of what happened with this guy just based on the fact that I could actually still feel excited about someone like that. So I did. W was trying to end a relationship of 3 years and we talked about the fact that he had stayed out of comfort and fear of hurting her. When the conversations started to get to be too much for me, I told him that I didn't want to get any closer to him until he was completely single. He did end things with her, but it was a very emotional process for him and took him about a week from our conversation to do so. I listened to him talk about how it was affecting his emotions and that although he wasn't in love with her, the amount of time that they were together was hard to just brush under the rug. I didn't like hearing these things but I wanted him to feel comfortable expressing himself with me. He told me that he wanted to move slowly and not jump into another bf/gf situation right away and I was ok with that since I had just ended something as well. However, we started dating and having an intimate realtionship right away. Things got a little too emotional between us too quickly and I ended up expressing myself too much. He reciprocated and things were feeling great for a couple weeks. Then he pulled back and stopped texting one day. He was supposed to come out with a group of friends that night and I had to call him to find out that he was cancelling. That night he told me that he felt like I wanted more than he could give at the moment and that he thought I wanted a boyfriend right away. I ended up shutting down emotionally and cutting him off. Unfortunately I am a little all or nothing with relationships. We did not speak for a week and meanwhile another guy started to persue me, which was a nice distraction. With the other dude blowing up my phone I decided to send a text to W just for the hell of it. W responded as if he had missed me a whole lot and wanted to see me to talk. My heart got all fluttery and stupid so we set up a date. We ended up never really talking about the issue, but things felt right. I decided that I was going to let him persue and that I would control my emotions. He ended up asking me to spend Sunday night, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday with him and all of it was amazing. This was last week (I have kiddos and only see friends, or date on the weeks that I don't have my kids). Sunday through Tuesday of this week we have texted and chatted. Last night he was particularly gushy through text and said that he missed me multiple times. He did also say that the label on his Sudafed says not to operate heavy machinery or text feelings. hmm. I told him that I hoped I still got sweet texts from him even when the drugs wore off or I'd have to keep Sudafed in my purse. Then today rolls around and there is nothing, no texts etc. I was supposed to see him at work but a coworker said he called in sick (he has been ill for a few days). So he didn't even text to say he wasn't coming in. I called him and it was a very brief convo in which he said he felt worse today but thanked me for calling. I texted him when I got off work and there was no response. He could be sleeping, but I have a gut feeling that all the closeness of the past week has brought about another freak-out despite my letting him initiate everything. If this is the case, what the H do I do??
Fouts Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 You two rushed into a relationship and he's not ready for it. You're going to have to give him time to completely get over it, because he obviously feels good for a few days and then slips back into a funk over his ex. You can't go back and take it slowly, so just have to see how it plays out. There has to be a grieving period after a relationship, or you'll just end up being the rebound.
Author 26.2 Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Muse, I didn't convince him of anything. He approached me with the information that he was planning on leaving the relationship. I listened to him talk about the situation for weeks before I finally told him that I couldn't involve myself further with him unless he wanted to date me and he was single. The reason for my saying that was simple honesty. I liked the guy from the begininning and there was chemistry. I asked him each time he brought it up if he really wanted to leave her or if this was just a glitch in their relationship. I did not pressure him in any way, i only told him that talking about it was getting to be too much for me because I was starting to have feelings for him. I do NOT want to date a guy who is still hung up on an ex... but I have a ridiculous amount of tenderness for this guy. And these emotions NEVER happen for me. I have gone about life thinking that I didn't feel sparks for anyone because that was just puppy love and I had matured beyond it. Now this happens and I am trying to behave rationally. It's very hard.
Fouts Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 26.2, I give you a tremendous amount of credit for doing what you did, not leading on your boyfriend when you fell for someone else. That takes some serious nuts (even though you don't have them) and I applaud you for that. Now, that being said, men have a far more difficult time with cutting women loose for the most part. Probably because you're (women in general) cute, vulnerable and need taken care of to some degree. I know you're saying you didn't pressure him, but from what I'm reading, every time he was trying to vent, you put him on the spot. This sounds like a simple case of he still has weakness for his ex, he's not over it yet, he may not get over it, he may go back with her. Like I said, it's frustrating, but you may have to just wait and see how it all plays out. Nothing you can do or say will affect it much.
Author 26.2 Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Fouts, thank you for your reply. I am really trying to put this all out there so that maybe I can sleep tonight. I possibly did put him on the spot subconsciously. I guess I feel like uncertainty in relationships is much more precarious for me as a single mom than it was back before my kiddos, so I tend to be blunt. I know that is not always the best policy
Fouts Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Well, I think you absolutely did the right thing It doesn't necessarily mean it will work out exactly how you would like it, or how you anticipated it, but you did do the right thing. Being a single mom, you have to do things your own way, so don't beat yourself up over that.
Author 26.2 Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 .....Soooo, I haven't heard from him at all so far today, still no response to the text from last night. We are supposed to do something this upcoming Sunday after I take the kiddos back to their dad. I'm wondering, if I don't hear from him all day, should I send him a text tomorrow saying something along the lines of: "Hey, I kinda feel like you might need some space. I have been invited to do some other things on Sunday (true), so if you would rather just be with your friends, that is totally cool." I know it would be fishing, but I also want him to know like I can back off if he needs me to. Or should I just be silent? Also, should I go out with the other guy who is pursuing me? I'm really unsure how W would feel about that or if I should care since we are not bf/gf...
Crazy Magnet Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Don't text him. Pick up the phone and CALL him. (I'll never understand what happened to phone calls.....) Yes, continue to go out with the other guy. You can date more than one person at a time.
Author 26.2 Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 Thought I'd update since I just got off the phone with W. He called me tonight and I thought I'd let him talk... but he immediately picked up on my negative vibe. He asked me if something was wrong. I told him that I felt it was a little odd that we go from pretty regular conversations to nothing at all. I said that I have been trying to hold back and give him some space, but that it still bothered me. That's when things got a little emotional. I could hear the tension in his voice and he kept sighing heavily. He told me that he sometimes has pretty severe depression and that the past week has been bad. He didn't want to open up to me because he was afraid I'd think he had mental problems, so he avoided me instead. I have delt with depression, myself, so I have no reason to judge him. I told him that I would rather he tell me how he feels then retreat into his own head. I decided to get everything out tonight and I asked him if he ever saw a potential for us to be something more than "just dating." He told me that it was very easy to see me as his girlfriend and that he only wants to be with me. He apologized for shutting me out and told me he missed me and couldn't wait to see me on Sunday. I also asked him if the fact that I have kids scares him and if he could see himself ending up with a woman who already has children. He said that my kids seem wonderful from the things I tell him and that my having children is not at all negative in his eyes. We talked a lot about his depression and he seemed to be trying not to cry. The whole conversation felt like a load was taken off both our shoulders. He has been hiding this from me but to me it isn't such a big deal. I'm a writer, and most of my best work is done when I'm a little low. So I feel like we made pretty good progress tonight. I'm still unsure about the future and whether or not he'll stay open with me or continue to shut me out. The thing is, if I'm being honest, I'm absolutely in love with him and I have been since the beginning. I dont think a pattern of retreat could get me to leave, regardless of how painful it would be for me.
Fouts Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Sounds like a good conversation was had 26.2. Just let things play out and I hope it ends up well for you two, good luck !
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