durkadurka Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Hey guys, Beaten my story to death, long story short due to financial issues with my ex's parents, and the fact our relationship hadn't been going well for a while 4.5 months ago my ex moved home (several hundred miles away). Long story short, I couldn't make her happy, only she could do that. No matter how hard I tried to give her opportunities (e.g. gave her hockey tickets to take her friends to a game, invited her friends over for dinner) she just wouldn't bite. She wouldn't even use the horse back riding lessons her employers gave her for her university graduation. It wore me down, and I was incapable of making the decisions she wanted me to do. I wasn't prepared to move with her to another country to be with her family when she wasn't even trying to make herself happy here. I needed to see her be motivated, and be happy and want to include me in her life. After she left, I took every sad phone call. Let's just say the scenario down there was hard on her, her family is in trouble, she had problems with her friends down there and was socially isolated. Eventually I flew down there to be with her. I really care about this girl a ton and said that right now wasn't a great time for us. I'm at the point in my education where whatever school I go to next, I have to finish at, if this scenario with her family falls apart she will leave and in that case I'm completely screwed. I told her that I wanted to be with her, cared about her, would gladly move down to be with her and work on the project she's working on right now, and visit whenever she wanted. Took her out to every nice place for dinner, and she said I was the most attractive man she'd ever dated and a bunch of other things. But she also resisted talking about our relationship, she never brought it up and always left it on me, when we had sex she wasn't into it. (mistake). When I left she gave me a big kiss, and called me when I got home later that day to tell me how much she missed me and wished I had stayed longer. 2 weeks after I left, she stopped talking to me. 2 weeks later, I get a phone call saying she's seeing someone. Great. She says her life is perfect, meeting new people, and dating the guy that owns the swimming pool she goes to. This is where the roller coaster starts to get even more dramatic and confusing. 1) 2 weeks later (mid september) she calls me. I don't pick up. She leaves a voice mail saying she wants to check in. I get a text asking why I haven't called her back. A few days later I return her call, she asks how I'm doing, all the normal questions. I just tell her I can't really talk about it, I'm pretty irked by what happened a little while before. We exchange sporadic texts over the next little while. 2) 2 weeks after that (late september) she calls me again after I send her a quick text. I can't pick up because I'm busy packing up the life we had together (e.g. our apartment). I was in a bad and emotional mood which is not the most ideal circumstances. I returned her call the next day, she doesn't pick up but apologizes profusely and says she'd really like to talk because she has some stuff she wants to say. I tell her to call me back. Follow up the next day, she says she no longer has long distance minutes on her phone and she hasn't been home to call me. Riiiiiiiiight. 3) After not hearing from her for 3.5 weeks, I'm a bit concerned. I know one our friends flew into town to visit her. Surprisingly, she ends up calling. Again, I don't pick up. I'm at hockey and busy trying to put my life back together and meet new friends. She leaves a voicemail saying she wants to check in, see how I am doing and says if I want to talk to call her back. Friday (3 days later) I call her back. I specifically choose a time where I know she will not pick up because I want to avoid her but be able to say I tried to call her back. She doesn't pick up but texts me saying she's out for dinner, and then going to a concert but will call me as soon as she's done. That.... was a mistake. We kept the conversation pretty neutral until she said 'Well this conversation has been pretty mundane, it sounds like you planned this all out and it's rehearsed.' Well of course it was, I don't want to come off as angry or upset. Anyways, I ask her what it was she had to say a few weeks ago, she says it's probably a good thing we didn't talk since she was so angry. The rest of the conversation goes on to say that being with me was like a distant memory, that she only now realizes how miserable she was etc etc that she'll never come back to Vancouver, and that life is better for her down there but that she felt like she needed to talk to me about things again. I am not sure what she was looking for. She wanted to tell me how much she missed my parents and grandparents. In my eyes we didn't talk about squat, she just demeaned me. Now, I am trying to get some closure. But I have no idea what to say to this girl, or what she expected me to say. Despite what she's done I still care about her, and I'm sure she cares about me. We were both the victims of bad timing, mixed with a small lack of maturity. Part of me just wants to call her and lay it on the line. Frankly, our relationship wasn't miserable. Like any relationship we had good times and bad times. I am starting to feel emasculated like I did in our relationship and feel the need to stand up for myself. Ugggh wtf. Maybe I should mention that just today she messaged me saying 'I gave up eating mangoes today, I thought you of all people could appreciate how hard that is for me. She's got a serious allergy to citrus but enjoyed eating them so much that she'd do it anyways. Random, and bothersome.
WTRanger Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 You are avoiding conflict with her and by doing this you are prolonging her contact. You are also letting the pressure build inside of you until one day she sends you the most random harmless contact, and you explode on her with the force of 15 A-bombs. Stop being so avoiding and tell her straight up that you wish the two of you not contact each other. You play a role in this, by not saying anything or avoiding the issue you are prolonging it. Heck, as far as she knows things are at least civil between the two of you when it is clearly eating away at you. But by your silence on the issue, you are letting this build beneath the surface.
Author durkadurka Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 You are avoiding conflict with her and by doing this you are prolonging her contact. You are also letting the pressure build inside of you until one day she sends you the most random harmless contact, and you explode on her with the force of 15 A-bombs. Stop being so avoiding and tell her straight up that you wish the two of you not contact each other. You play a role in this, by not saying anything or avoiding the issue you are prolonging it. Heck, as far as she knows things are at least civil between the two of you when it is clearly eating away at you. But by your silence on the issue, you are letting this build beneath the surface. I told her on Friday when she called that if she was so miserable with me, then she should forget about trying to talk to me and she should leave me alone. I just don't think she gets it.
WTRanger Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Then you need to lay it on the line with her. Don't leave it up to her to decided if she should stop contacting you. Tell her, "Don't contact me!" Plain, simple, upfront. Then, if she continues you have every right to ignore her until she finally gives up.
Don Ho Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Bro, you're wasting way, way to much time on this woman thinking about her and dealing with it. I think she made it clear from what she told you: The rest of the conversation goes on to say that being with me was like a distant memory, that she only now realizes how miserable she was etc etc that she'll never come back to Vancouver, and that life is better for her down there but that she felt like she needed to talk to me about things again. [/i] Good. She was miserable. Be hopeful that she does not come back. Frankly I think she sounds a little crazy. She's just using you as a crutch or a back up plan. Cut your loses Bro and move on. Lose her number and go NC. You know that's best anyways.
Author durkadurka Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Bro, you're wasting way, way to much time on this woman thinking about her and dealing with it. I think she made it clear from what she told you: Good. She was miserable. Be hopeful that she does not come back. Frankly I think she sounds a little crazy. She's just using you as a crutch or a back up plan. Cut your loses Bro and move on. Lose her number and go NC. You know that's best anyways. That's exactly what I told her, I'm sick of it. I'm going to call her tomorrow and just call it what it is. I was pretty candid with her, if you were so miserable, do both of us a favour and never contact me again.
TLCbear Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 That's exactly what I told her, I'm sick of it. I'm going to call her tomorrow and just call it what it is. I was pretty candid with her, if you were so miserable, do both of us a favour and never contact me again. Forget about what you told her, dude, you need to show her...actions speak louder than words. Simply stop accepting her calls or texts.
Don Ho Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Forget about what you told her, dude, you need to show her...actions speak louder than words. Simply stop accepting her calls or texts. Yep. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of thinking she matters.
pandagirl Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I'm going to take a different approach to this. Maybe it's a GOOD thing that it's dragging out, because you're seeing how lame and passive-aggressive she can be, to the point where you're just sick of her and can say good riddance.
Don Ho Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Maybe it's a GOOD thing that it's dragging out, because you're seeing how lame and passive-aggressive she can be, to the point where you're just sick of her and can say good riddance. Good point Panda.
Author durkadurka Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 I'm going to take a different approach to this. Maybe it's a GOOD thing that it's dragging out, because you're seeing how lame and passive-aggressive she can be, to the point where you're just sick of her and can say good riddance. Yeah that's very very true.
Perhaps Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I'll tell you WTF. You made a mistake picking up her call after you found out she was dating someone else. I don't mean to be harsh but take a step back and look at what happened: She leaves, you chase. Then she enjoys the dinners you took her out to while avoiding the relationship talk. Then, after you left, she kept in touch with you to 'check in' while she started dating someone else. You returning her calls/texts signalled your implicit consent to let her treat you that way. You should have told her to F*** off when she called to 'check in'. She left you. I'm pretty sure she called you because, like you said, her life in her own town was bad. Your suppressed anger seeped into your communication and she called it mundane. Ignore her calls. If she really gets to you, pick up, and say, "Well this conversation has been pretty mundane. Don't call me."
Recommended Posts