SoMovinOn Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 It seems pretty much everything I read here is about people having problems with their A. Anyone here had an A, got married to their A partner, and lived happily ever after?
Silly_Girl Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 There are some in that position that post here. Can I ask - in your view is that the only way an affair can be good? If the parties end up leaving their marriages and getting wed?
East7 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 (edited) It seems pretty much everything I read here is about people having problems with their A. Anyone here had an A, got married to their A partner, and lived happily ever after? Great topic, I would have posted the same question..Any success stories ? Not necessarly APs getting married but also moving together or having a daylight relationship. It sounds here like 90% or even 99% of the cases the A ends because : - Either the MP stays with the BS. - Or the MP eventually gets a D but then he/she stays alone or meets another partner other than AP because: a- D comes too late, the single AP has already moved on. b- The other MP doesn't want to divorce. Edited October 28, 2010 by East7
OWoman Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 It seems pretty much everything I read here is about people having problems with their A. Anyone here had an A, got married to their A partner, and lived happily ever after? All of my As have been good experiences. Every single one lasted as long as I wanted it to, ran according to my conditions and provided me with everything I wanted from the R at the time, and ended when I tired of it and ended it - aside from the last one, which more closely resembles your criteria for a "good" experience in that he left his BW, we married and are living happily ever after. But I don't believe that that is the only possible good experience to be had in an A. An A can be a wonderful experience whatever the outcome, as long as it meets the needs of the person experiencing it. An A could end with the APs splitting as the best possible outcome if they outgrow that A and move on, or it could provide such intensity of connection and passion that the memory is treasured long after the R ends. Or, it could simply be a valuable learning experience that opened the APs to lessons and opportunities for happiness in other directions. Not all As are doom and gloom, and even those that are can have a silver lining.
East7 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Or, it could simply be a valuable learning experience that opened the APs to lessons and opportunities for happiness in other directions.. For me the greater lesson was : NEVER AGAIN! Never again a triangle relationship. It always ends up with pain for at least one of the persons involved, or worse for the 3 of them. Well, Love and pain go in pairs but when it is between TWO people at least you can enjoy a decent relationship without lies.
stargazing Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I'll chime in here. Not sure if this is the correct thread and don’t think it was a "good experience" because several people on both sides were hurt and still are but it does sometimes end with two APs together. I’ve been reading this forum for years and never wrote. Reading other peoples stories here helped alot. I'm now with my MM. My A started with a coworker 6 years ago, the first 3 years of it being an EA. Had several d-days and went back and forth 2 times, mostly because he had so much financially to loose. A year ago I initiated NC, he went home to work on his marriage but couldn’t let me go. His divorce was final 8 months ago and mine was final before that. Of course there is so much more to my story but thats the very short version.
lil_miss Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 i hope there will be a happy endinging with the one im involved in but im not going to hold my breath.. the big issue is trust how would i ever trust him to be faithful to me??
GreenEyedLady Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 It seems pretty much everything I read here is about people having problems with their A. Anyone here had an A, got married to their A partner, and lived happily ever after? ME!!! We got married almost two years ago now! Which I know is not a long time to some. But I consider it happily ever after to my best friend and lover. GEL
lil_miss Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 ME!!! We got married almost two years ago now! Which I know is not a long time to some. But I consider it happily ever after to my best friend and lover. GEL JEALOUS!!!!
Author SoMovinOn Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 (edited) Can I ask - in your view is that the only way an affair can be good? If the parties end up leaving their marriages and getting wed? No. Sorry, I can see where it would seem so. I read about a lot of bad experiences or issues with A's here. I was wondering if there were any that were not bad. That would be the extent of what I believe would be a good result - a not bad one. There are some good responses here. I suppose I should throw my own story here; Married for 17 years. We started out as an A. (I was single, she was married). She ended up cheating on me eventually (a couple of years ago). We're working on splitting up now. I am involved in an A now. We are both married. I have a gut feeling it will end badly, no matter how it ends. Edited October 29, 2010 by SoMovinOn
NoIDidn't Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 It seems to me that all As start off good, until one AP starts wanting more than the other can reasonably give. And that AP can be married or single. Once expectations become mismatched, the bad times start to roll.
NoIDidn't Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 And, while I rarely agree with OWoman, I don't think that marrying the AP is the only way an A can be said to be "good". In fact, I think its one of the worst ways to rate an affair. Getting married is not a marker of how great a R is/was, especially as evidenced by the stats on infidelity and divorce (roughly 50% for couples that weren't started as adulterous, and 75% for couples that did). I agree that if the person involved in the A learned and grew because of it, regardless of whether they feel they would or would never get involved in another A, could render the experience a good one. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking those that marry their APs, I just think its not a good measure of whether an affair was "good" or not. BTW, I don't think affairs are "good" in general, but I do acknowledge that people can and do learn and grow in good ways from such experiences.
newlife2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 The problem with your question is... none of us have made it to 'happily ever after' yet. Some may be happy now, but who knows what the future holds? I think it's kind of funny that people here who end up with their affair partners, married/living together/whatever, profess that it will necessarily end up different than any other relationship they have ever had... or their partner has had. Why would that be the case? Even those who ended up "with" their OM, may very well end up without him. After all, a relationship that started as part of a lie is not exactly a testament for future fidelity and trust and "happily ever after". I don't believe in "soul mates". So, the answer to your question depends on what stage the respondent is in. I think that eventually we will all know our "ever after" (happily or not) but none of us here do. Not yet.
kis Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 It seems pretty much everything I read here is about people having problems with their A. Anyone here had an A, got married to their A partner, and lived happily ever after? The key is expectations. If both partners expect the same thing then a good experience can be had. Not everyone in a A wants to end up married to the A partner.
MorningCoffee Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 The key is expectations. If both partners expect the same thing then a good experience can be had. Not everyone in a A wants to end up married to the A partner. I could never, in my most imaginative dreams, have expected what developed as my affair proceeded into deeper and deeper involvement. I think I started out prepared just for a fling, I think she started just looking for a little comfort in loneliness. But whammo! we soon were in love. That is when the tough stuff started. She wanted but could not find the same kind of love we shared to be in her marriage. I wanted her to evolve to the point of either really choosing the marriage or recognizing it was done and moving on to be independent. Neither of us got what we wanted, got heartache instead, although we both had expected very limited involvement at the outset. So in my view, I think unanticipated experience can very easily blow away expectations.
Just a stone's throw Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Shoot, I think anyone can argue that you don't know the true "ending" until the day you die. So to say "happily ever after", well that's just the complete unknown. I am in the category if both APs had a mutual understanding of why the affair started and why it ended and had some either learning or personal growth from it, then it is not all bad. I personally fall into this category, my A has ended and we parted on good terms agreeing to remember the good times. Neither of us ever intended to leave our marriages nor could this go on for an indefinite period of time. I perceive that it was a positive experience, I believe he does too in some way. Were there some tough times in between as we worked out our "terms"? Sure, no doubt. But we resolved it to a point where we could walk away remembering the good, discarding the rest. Then again, maybe I'm one of the "lucky ones"? IDK, I personally don't think marrying him would have been the "happily ever after" I was looking for. JAST
YellowShark Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Even a broken clock is right two times a day. That's my philosophy on affairs, they are already-broken relationships that can feel "right" temporarily.
pureinheart Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 It seems pretty much everything I read here is about people having problems with their A. Anyone here had an A, got married to their A partner, and lived happily ever after? I think in any R there can be problems. I don't have any regrets concerning any of the R's I've been in, there are issues that I am working out, although I'm not going to focus on "what is no longer" and focus on what will be. I choose to consider my entire life as a "happily ever after" because that is what it is.
pureinheart Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Shoot, I think anyone can argue that you don't know the true "ending" until the day you die. So to say "happily ever after", well that's just the complete unknown. I am in the category if both APs had a mutual understanding of why the affair started and why it ended and had some either learning or personal growth from it, then it is not all bad. I personally fall into this category, my A has ended and we parted on good terms agreeing to remember the good times. Neither of us ever intended to leave our marriages nor could this go on for an indefinite period of time. I perceive that it was a positive experience, I believe he does too in some way. Were there some tough times in between as we worked out our "terms"? Sure, no doubt. But we resolved it to a point where we could walk away remembering the good, discarding the rest. Then again, maybe I'm one of the "lucky ones"? IDK, I personally don't think marrying him would have been the "happily ever after" I was looking for. JAST Wow JAST I am so happy for all of you....I just hope the best for all of you and so happy that you replied to SMO's thread:) ((((((hugs))))))
newpriorities Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 No. Sorry, I can see where it would seem so. I read about a lot of bad experiences or issues with A's here. I was wondering if there were any that were not bad. That would be the extent of what I believe would be a good result - a not bad one. There are some good responses here. I suppose I should throw my own story here; Married for 17 years. We started out as an A. (I was single, she was married). She ended up cheating on me eventually (a couple of years ago). We're working on splitting up now. I am involved in an A now. We are both married. I have a gut feeling it will end badly, no matter how it ends. Here's my 2 cents, for what it's worth. Listen to your gut feeling here, trust your instincts. Do what is healthy for YOU. I agree with the postings about how A's can be "good" if expectations are clear, but life is never that black and white! Things happen, feelings change and it gets complicated. I do believe that people may fall in honest, deep love with another person while married, but then take the time to extricate from the marriage and be ALONE. Then, once that healing is done, go into the new relationship. But of course, as I said, it's never that black and white. Just take care of yourself.
Just a stone's throw Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Wow JAST I am so happy for all of you....I just hope the best for all of you and so happy that you replied to SMO's thread:) ((((((hugs)))))) Thanks, Pure.... not meaning to T/J so will add I have been lurking but much less and trying to keep a positive outlook on things. Even when a R ends, it is important to understand that it happened for a reason. I believe that, some don't. But it helps me to feel that I wasn't a total loser for choosing to do something so contrary to my upbringing and my belief system. I hope you're well too, PIH! JAST
Author SoMovinOn Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 Here's my 2 cents, for what it's worth. Listen to your gut feeling here, trust your instincts. Do what is healthy for YOU. ... Just take care of yourself. My situation is difficult at times, but I am very happy. I have loved OW for most of my life. For 30 years, I thought I'd never see her again. I had only hoped, if I ever did run into her, to apologize for what an ass I was back then. I wasn't expecting a good response. She found me. I apologized. She told me she loved me and always had. There is nothing better than having her in my life again - however that may be.
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