befreckled Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 As the female of the species, I've always been told (albeit by other girls) to let the guy pay least he sees it as disinterest. I've always offered to go dutch. When the bill comes on the 1st date, out comes cash or my card. With experience, it seemed that the guys that wanted a 2nd date would insist on paying. And the guys that didn't, would accept the offer to go dutch. Until recently. I had a date that totally went against the grain. We met for drinks. After establishing that, we both liked each other enough to want to sit there for abit more so we ordered food to share. We ordered a bottle of wine so we effectively ate and drank equally. After the meal, I went off to the bathroom, and he asked for the bill. The bill was sitting on the table when I got back, bill folder closed and he excused himself for a bathroom break as well. So I assumed he had paid for it or put his credit card down. The hostess came back to pick up the bill folder and realised it was still unpaid so she placed the bill folder back. Based on that, I figured he wanted to go dutch otherwise, he would have paid for it. So, when he got back, we both took out our credit cards and, split the bill. Guys, are you ever interested in a 2nd date and still split the bill equally? All of my date's actions save for the bill split, pointed to interest - lots of compliments throughout dinner, he reached in for a kiss on my cheek midway through dinner, he asked me what perfume I was wearing cos it was unusual, lots of questions about my life etc. In terms of finances, we are both are working professionals. And I am truly fine with paying my share for dates esp. first dates. That said, I understand that I'm not a norm so what signals am I sending by not sitting here and staring at him with big googly eyes instead of reaching for my purse?
Sabali Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I always pay the bill unless someone specifically treats me out or insists on paying. Even if I am not interested in going on a second date, I pay the bill. I accepted this setup in my teens and it hasn't bothered me then and it doesn't bother me now. I do partially understand some guys wanting to split the bills but I think men should pay the bills on first dates. No need to argue about it. There are some things we men get shafted on in society because we are men and there are some things women get shafted on in society because they are women. As men, we got stuck with paying the bill. Traditionally we were the breadwinners and made the money and could afford to do so compared to the women. It was being a gentlemen. Things are changing though. As equality becomes more and more developed between men and women, the more men ask "why should I pay the whole bill?" On top of this, men generally have to pay the bill on all dates so this could be financially crippling for a guy who has an active dating life but doesn't make a whole lot of money. He can pay for multiple dinners and a movie yet end up with all of the women putting him in the friendzone. So a guy can meet multiple women online and set something up with each of them in search of a LTR and easily be out of $300 from 3-4 dates. Even if he makes a fair bit of cash with other responsibilities, this can hurt him in the wallet. This is just something to think about before not agreeing to a second date. There are some teachings out there that advocate to either make the first date short and inexpensive or split the bill. I think it is better to just make the first date inexpensive and short. This way, if a man doesn't get the second date, he won't be out of much cash. In any event, see what your date does for the second date. He should pay for that one!
mmk1 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Ive gone on 5-6 first dates recently and I paid for them all, except one. my date was insistent on splitting the bill and we are still dating. I'm old fashioned so I expect to pay. my advice, offer to pay and take it from there. most of my dates did offer.
D-Lish Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I always offer my half as a female on the first date- but most men have typically grabbed the bill and taken care of it. I appreciate having a date paid for- but I don't expect it. On the other hand, I DO think it says something about a guy that urges we split the bill on the first date. I like what sab had to say, and I agree with it.
Andy_K Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I've always thought that if you're doing a first date that actually costs enough for it to matter who pays, you're doing it wrong. No first date dinners! That way you avoid all the over analysis from both sides on 'who should pay'. Second date onwards I expect it to be about evens. Maybe splitting maybe taking turns, however it happens to go.
Tim The Enchanter Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I've always thought that if you're doing a first date that actually costs enough for it to matter who pays, you're doing it wrong. No first date dinners! That way you avoid all the over analysis from both sides on 'who should pay'. Second date onwards I expect it to be about evens. Maybe splitting maybe taking turns, however it happens to go. I agree about the first date. I rarely go for a meal on the first date and prefer to simply go for drinks.
loverofloveandstuff Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Question for the girls... How do youoffer to pay? What exactly do you say? I always find it kind of awkward when it gets to the paying part of the night so I reach into my bag to get my wallet and everytime the guy has stopped me. Then I say 'are you sure?' And he will say something along the lines of 'I got this.' And then I say, 'well it's my shout next time!' Men... what is the best way for a lady to offer?
Mellisa Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 If he was the one that asked to go out, he should have been the one that picked up the bill.A considerate gentleman would have paid the bill already before you returned to save the "reaching for purse" part on you.It just seems to be a little awkward..you had a good time and then you found out you had to pay for your part..it was a big minus for me.Dont look for words, look for actions.If you like him, go on more dates to see what he's like.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Guys, are you ever interested in a 2nd date and still split the bill equally? All of my date's actions save for the bill split, pointed to interest - lots of compliments throughout dinner, he reached in for a kiss on my cheek midway through dinner, he asked me what perfume I was wearing cos it was unusual, lots of questions about my life etc. In terms of finances, we are both are working professionals. And I am truly fine with paying my share for dates esp. first dates. That said, I understand that I'm not a norm so what signals am I sending by not sitting here and staring at him with big googly eyes instead of reaching for my purse? I would just assume that he wants to see you again until you have some sort of proof to the contrary. He might have let you pay because the bottle of wine is expensive. About 7 months ago I went on a date where the girl ordered 4 drinks, never offered to pay, blew off the second date, and then changed her facebook status to "in a Relationship" a week later. Which talking to my friends is a fairly common experience with online dating.
Author befreckled Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 He might have let you pay because the bottle of wine is expensive. Dinner & wine at that place wasn't cheap. It came up to about $110 per person. I guess I will follow what someone else said, if he asks me out again, then I will make sure we pick a cheaper place and if he wants to split the bill then...perhaps it is something to consider. He is still consistent with texting and stuff so it might just be that it's an investment for a guy when he is dating and he might not want to do it with a $200 dinner three nights a week.
Sabali Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Dinner & wine at that place wasn't cheap. It came up to about $110 per person. I guess I will follow what someone else said, if he asks me out again, then I will make sure we pick a cheaper place and if he wants to split the bill then...perhaps it is something to consider. He is still consistent with texting and stuff so it might just be that it's an investment for a guy when he is dating and he might not want to do it with a $200 dinner three nights a week. Wherever you go next time that bastard better pay for the second date. If he ask you out, it is up to him to pick a date he can afford. He shouldn't just take you to an expensive restaurant and then just drop the bomb on you at the end. That's not cool. Okay, we are trying to be understanding here. Dating can be hard on a man's pocketbook but he should have enough knowledge now to avoid the high end restaurants and expensive dates in the beginning or he will be faced with a bill like last time. He got to get it right next time. If he ask you out, choose a date he can afford, pay the whole bill in the end. If he doesn't plan to pay for the whole date, he should let you know this when he ask you out. How does he know if you will not be able to afford medication for an illness after being asked to pay a bill at the last minute after he asked you out in the first place? If he can't hang with the big boys, he should start dating Rosey exclusively.
mogul Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Damn, really who asked who out? Its pretty inconsiderate to take someone to such an expensive place and not pay for it. This is true. I believe in paying for the first date as well. I would appreciate that she make a gesture to chip in for the bill to which I suggest that she can get me dessert or coffee in the future if we seem to be hitting it off. Even if I had no intention of going out with her again, I would still pay for the bill regardless unless she was completely obnoxious or rude/belligerent. At that point, I would politely excuse myself to the restroom and never come back.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Befreckled, if you need a second date with him ... you are a slow learner.
mmk1 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I completely agree with Tim that I NEVER arrange a first date for dinner. Drinks around 7-7:30 (preferably on a weeknight) are standard. I'm trying to get to know someone alittle and see if I have any interest in her, not feed her. With drinks, the bill is generally not so big and I'm not out $200 like the OP said either way. As an aside, a quiet lounge also is preferrable to a loud party bar. Good rules to follow guys!
Author befreckled Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 Wherever you go next time that bastard better pay for the second date. Agreed. Damn, really who asked who out? Its pretty inconsiderate to take someone to such an expensive place and not pay for it. He asked me out but, I suggested the place. We had plans to get drinks only but it turned into dinner etc.
Author befreckled Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 So in this particular case I really don't think the guy is at fault. I never held that position that he was at fault or that it was anyone's fault by splitting the bill. I maintain that I am more than ok with paying my share, it is just experience thus far as shown me that if a guy is interested, he pays. So hence I wondered if it has an effect on interest. If by paying or not paying, does it express interest or disinterest on the part of my date and with me paying, does it sort of curtail interest if there is any?
Chicago_Guy Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Dinner & wine at that place wasn't cheap. It came up to about $110 per person. I guess I will follow what someone else said, if he asks me out again, then I will make sure we pick a cheaper place and if he wants to split the bill then...perhaps it is something to consider. He is still consistent with texting and stuff so it might just be that it's an investment for a guy when he is dating and he might not want to do it with a $200 dinner three nights a week. He may have let you pay as a test to make sure you weren't simply trying to scam him for a free meal.
Author befreckled Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 He may have let you pay as a test to make sure you weren't simply trying to scam him for a free meal. that was exactly it! We went on a second date, much more economical and he paid for it. We went for a drink after and he wanted to pay for that too but, I offered and he accepted. We had abit of a talk about it, and he hasn't been dating for the last 15 years. His marriage ended awhile ago and, he basically said that he has paid for everything for her and apart from not knowing the rules now (which I think is sorta of BS), he wanted to see if I was in it for the dinner. He made it clear that he is interested which was my concern so I guess now, it's a case of seeing what happens next in terms of a 3rd date.
skydiveaddict Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Don't pay for the first date? >>>>>>>>>>>>Friendzone
Author befreckled Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Don't pay for the first date? >>>>>>>>>>>>Friendzone HAHAHA! I have had dates pay for me even when it was clear that there wasn't going to be a second date so I'd disagree with that statement. I would like to believe in the progression of women's rights. That we've come beyond letting a man pay for everything.
skydiveaddict Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 HAHAHA! I have had dates pay for me even when it was clear that there wasn't going to be a second date so I'd disagree with that statement. I would like to believe in the progression of women's rights. That we've come beyond letting a man pay for everything. Believe what ever you wish. If you're a guy and you don't pay for the first date you won't (in most cases) get a second one. It's got nothing to do with "womens rights", it's just a matter of common courtesy. You said it yourself, " I have had dates pay for me even when it was clear that there wasn't going to be a second date". If you are so adamant about "women's rights," why did you allow him to pay for you in the first place?
Author befreckled Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Believe what ever you wish. If you're a guy and you don't pay for the first date you won't (in most cases) get a second one. It's got nothing to do with "womens rights", it's just a matter of common courtesy. You said it yourself, " I have had dates pay for me even when it was clear that there wasn't going to be a second date". If you are so adamant about "women's rights," why did you allow him to pay for you in the first place? Enlighten me how it is common courtesy to pay for the first date? Esp one that costs a pretty penny. I am not all about women's rights. You equate not paying to being in the friendzone and I think that it is possible to have interest and split the bill. He picked up the tab for the next bill and would have picked up drinks if I didn't insist. That said, I am not a fan of defending or making excuses for the dude. Time will tell. All I wanted to know at the beginning if it registers as interest or disinterest if I paid or didn't pay
Recommended Posts