LoveTNT Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Too much to write, i'm just going to try to do it point by point. Text him this past Friday that I needed to speak. Called him, no answer.of course. After some attempts,He eventually replies to one of my text,...leave me alone. At this point I'm like, I need to speak to him in person. So I start getting ready, to head down to his loft, only about 10 min away. Mind you I have never showed up to his place unannounced ( this is a good time for you to go get some popcorn). I text him to please speak to me, that this breaks my heart, he replies with I'm hurt too, I'm trying to be happy! This man obviously still loves me but he's caught up in anger and hurt, which he is totally entitled too. I being the dumper, decide I'm going to his place. It's been 3months since I stepped foot into his loft. I was even nervous to drive by before, even looking towards Downtown LA broke my heart, but this day I wanted answers and i felt strong enough to go to his place and find out whatever I needed to once and for all. So I text him while I'm driving to his place to please answer, that I really needed to speak to him. I then text him that I wasn't going to give up and that I was going to continue to try with him until it all drained. Of course he took that in a negative way and he replied saying, "yeah let it drain..you'll eventually get over me... just like you said... you want to forget me! So I then replied that I didn't mean it that way. At this point I'm calling and he's still not answering. I get to his place. Inhale exhale. I got my brand new heels on (heh) wanted to look good for him. I get into the elevator heading up to the penthouse floor.... my heart is by now thumping... I get to his door. Knock knock, no one there. SO guess what i do, yup I slightly turn the knob, and bamb! It's open! His other cell phone was on the counter. Lights on. Of course he always seems to leave the door open. I'm nervous. AAH! I look down and I see a doggy bowl, oh hell no? Can this be a doggy bowl? maybe a dog that's owned by a female? then I see doggy toys! Oh my, I remember thinking to myself " you know if he's doing his thing with another female now, then that's what it is. I can't stop him and I'll have to respect that. So I walk around, at this point I'm calling my girl letting her know the "situation" I'm in.. I felt bad being in there but I was there already and I wasn't going to do anything nuts I just wanted closure. So I see some things that me and my mom got him for his house still there. I then go into his main drawer in his room... sigh* and right in the front theres a red envelope. I open it and it's pictures of us and our families together on mothers day. It made me feel warm inside that he still had them. In the drawer he goes in everyday. SO I walk back to the kitchen and I see a..drum roll!!!!!!!!!........ I see a louis Vuitton purse sitting on top of a magenta colored suit case (all girly). I can honestly say that, I automatically though that's it, that's why he's been avoiding and trying to blame everything on me, to justify what he's doing. It hurt, but I wasn't all devastated in that second. I swallowed the big lump in my throat and said it's ok just wait for him and finish it up and move forward without drama. ANyhow of course I open the purse. I get the wallet, heart beating, I had to see at least a picture, right?..... so finally I get ahold of a card, and when i look at the picture...... It's his brothers I.D!!!! So I get another card and It turns out to be my ex's brothers girlfriends stuff (were cool)... What a relief. At that point I knew his brother and girlfriend were in town. I wait for him. His brother shows up. He tells me that he understands why I'm there, if I need closure, I need closure. He tells me he's downstairs at an art gallery. We go down because he's leaving back home with his GF. She says hi to me and good luck. I go to art gallery. He's not there anymore. I walk back to his place and wait for him. he gets there 30 min later as I'm writing him a letter. The talk begins. He asked why did you come and that I'm beign selfish. That I only went to get closure. I told him I loved him. He wasn't having it. He was angry and that I'm not respecting the fact that he's angry etc. I start to cry a bit. I ask him can I just talk to you he says fine and sits on his piano stool. I tell him how sorry and hurt I am. He gets mad when I say this or something because it makes him feel like I don't think he's hurting too. He then began to tell me how hurt he was and how he was't supposed to go through everything with out a partner and that I was that partner. He mentionedhow hard it was for him to think that he did everything for me and loved me so much and that I took him for granted etc... Oh my if I could only go back and do thing different. This was so hard for me to hear. I told him that it seems like he doesn't care anymore for me. He said that's a lie. That if he followed his heart and did what his heart asked he would take me back etc.. but that he's trained himself to be strong and go with his mind and what's best. I asked him for hugs at certain times and he would give them to me but as soon as he noticed he was even giving in a tad bit more than he wanted to he would check himself. He cried a few times before he caught himself and stopped. I asked him if he loved me still..... eventually he answered and said yes, but that he was hurt and angry and couldn't trust me still.... I feel like I have to get him back somehow if we still both love each other. Before I left we had a split second of some giggles. I told him I felt lonely, he said to spend time with family. I said "you were a part of my family" he said, no you know what I mean... and I said oh you mean the "phenotype,genotype type of family? we can have one of those too" we giggled. I eventually left on that note. I didn't give a hug goodbye because that would have made it harder to leave. I think I'll be sending him some Indian Tea through mail next week. We like tea. I can't give up that easily if the love is still there. I need to prove to him. Right? anyhow... Don't judge me heh.
WTRanger Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 You don't take "no" very well do you? Think back at what you did in his apartment, then ask yourself if you had an ex boyfriend do that in your place if you would call the cops. You have one foot on a banana peel and one foot in the door of the "psycho ex-girlfriend" place. Leave him alone. Breaking and entering isn't a form of closure. What more closure could you possibly need? Usually dumpers aren't the ones seeking closure, it's the dumpee. You are treading in some dangerous territory. You really need to take a step back and think first, then act. No where in his actions did it feel like he was willing to give you a second chance. Acting like you are now, that's only going to hurt those chances. To have any sort of a shot, you need to back away from him. Let him really see his life without you.
Ajax Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Well even though showing up at his place like that could be interpreted as a bit stalkerish, I think in this case it was the thing to do. If you want this guy back, and it sounds like you really do, you'll have to show him that he can trust you again. It'll probably take time. Sending the tea is probably a good move too, but don't be too aggressive or that will push him further away. Good luck. I wish my ex would show up at my place like that.
redmelon Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 we always tell people to go NC and if the dumper changes their mind they will come back and leave you with no doubt they want you back, they will "knock down your door." Then, when someone actually DOES make a grand gesture, (which I think was warranted, by the way), they are bashed as stalkerish. This makes no sense to me. I think you did the right thing, and I think it sounds promising. Good luck.
strength-abounds Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I'm going to try and not judge you or your actions. I sort of enjoy watching woman come back to relationship when she ended it. However, I am also a jaded man. Here it goes. Let's see. You broke into his apartment. You rifled through someone's purse that did not belong to you. You entered his bedroom to snoop for whatever it was you were looking for. I'm pretty sure you committed a couple crimes during your escapade inside your EX BOYFRIEND'S apartment. Stalk much? If you truly love your ex boyfriend, do him a favor and leave him alone. After reading your post I am assuming the breakup cut him to the bone that a bandaid won't fix. He needs to heal from this and you showing up unannouced after repeated denials from him doesn't help his process. You made a decision. Stick with it for his sake and your's. Best wishes.
WTRanger Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Well even though showing up at his place like that could be interpreted as a bit stalkerish, I think in this case it was the thing to do. If you want this guy back, and it sounds like you really do, you'll have to show him that he can trust you again. It'll probably take time. Sending the tea is probably a good move too, but don't be too aggressive or that will push him further away. Good luck. I wish my ex would show up at my place like that. How can you build trust when you go through his stuff when he's not in his apartment? How can you build trust when you don't listen to what he is saying by "Leave me alone"? To build trust, the OP needs to do the exact opposite of everything she did in her first post. If I had an ex show up in that manner, then first thing the next morning I'd be getting a restraining order. I get bet 1,000% that the OP wouldn't allow an ex-boyfriend to get into her apartment like that without crying all sorts of injustice. The tea is a bad move. Anything other than leaving him be is a bad move. You made the choice to dump him in the first place, you can't just say, "Whoopsie! I made a mistake." and expect him to take you back with open arms. Let this guy think about things for a while for Christ's sake. You are forcing him to make a decision based on your own needs. By you doing that, you are just reassuring him that he made the right choice to not give you a second chance.
WTRanger Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 we always tell people to go NC and if the dumper changes their mind they will come back and leave you with no doubt they want you back, they will "knock down your door." Then, when someone actually DOES make a grand gesture, (which I think was warranted, by the way), they are bashed as stalkerish. This makes no sense to me. I think you did the right thing, and I think it sounds promising. Good luck. Breaking into someone's apartment is a wee bit stalkerish to me. I don't give six flying sh*ts how long they were together. They are ex's now. Showing up to talk, no, that isn't stalkerish. But opening up the door, rummaging though his stuff and stuff that's not even his, that's freaky. Would you want an ex boyfriend in your apartment like that? To come home and find him just sitting in your living room? You'd be okay with that? Especially after you've been telling him to leave you alone?
strength-abounds Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I agree with WTRanger. If this relationship is renewed, it needs trust. Breaking into his apartment does not build trust. I still stand by what I said. Leave him alone. If he accepts your apologies, than good. Just don't push him.
Author LoveTNT Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 I appreciate both sides. If y'all believe that's stalker I understand. It camseem like that. He wasn't mad that I was in there. I have never done anything like that in our relationship nor am I doing it again. Haha restraining order, please he's not doing all that. I'm not phsycho. His door was open, ya I shouldn't have opened it etc. If it pushes him away and he takes it that route than that's where it goes. I went with my heart. I wanted to show him I wasn't a lazy ass and wouldn't get my ass up and show him I care and actually speak to him in person. It happened. I'm not doing it again. Anyhow, thanks for the interesting feed back.
WTRanger Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Going back over all of your old posts, this seems to be a common theme. And that is you want him to take you back on your terms, on your time line, and when you tell him to. Everything revolves around you and what you say. You went through his stuff for your own closure. You opened the door so you could do whatever it was you felt you needed to do. Nothing you have mentioned ever revolves around what he might want or need. The whole story revolves around your needs. You have to give this guy some room to breathe. It's not easy to take someone back, even more so if they are constantly pressuring you for a decision. You've said your piece, now you've just got to give it some time to work it's way through his brain. So if I was your ex and I constantly contacted you, even when you told me to leave you alone, then showed up at your place and went through your things. Not just opened the door, but went through things. You'd not label me a little bit nuts in the old head? What did your friend say when you told her what you were up to? I really want to know what you'd do if the situation was flipped on you. A grand gesture is standing in the rain with a boombox, well iPod attached to some speakers, above your head blasting 80's music. B&E isn't a grand gesture, except in the courts. You've mentioned several times in past threads that you won't let your emotions master you. I think you need to revisit some of that course of thought. You let your emotions get the best of you this time.
Author LoveTNT Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Oh wow look at that. Interesting W. I can respect your point of view. I knew I would get some feed back like yours. It's ok. I'll take it. Maybe I have been seeming like it's on my terms etc... I've tried. I guess now days you just gotta give up. I understand the point in letting him breathe and go through what he needs to, thy is the direction I'm aiming. The thing with him that I don't understand is we were beginning to be cool. I finally leave him alone to think and have his time and then I come around to let him know I still love him and to see how he is and now he's angry again. Seems like because I let him be he's angry again even more so now. Anyhow, it's all good. I really came in peace and wanted to express my love but maybe leaving him completely alone and not showing him in gestures will show him I do. Go figures. I will respect his space. I'm far from stalker, Ill do my thing and give it time.
alwayshoping Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I loved your post. good luck, and dont listion to the other posters. I think what you did was sweet! like a movie! Just make sure you dont do it again as it maybe seen differently! Good luck and I hope you guys get back together x
fabio10 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Totally agree with Redmellon, Im a guy whom got dumped but I think I have well and truely got over the bitter stage, this woman is a dumper whom made a mistake in dumping this guy and now she is trying to fix it, so what she had a snoop around and you all call her a stalker, does that make YOU a stalker if you look at your ex's facebook etc ! The guy said he still loves her, if he was really pissed off he would not have said this and called the cops but he didnt he had the 'talk' . TNT you've got balls woman felt like something out of sex and the city reading that
WTRanger Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Totally agree with Redmellon, Im a guy whom got dumped but I think I have well and truely got over the bitter stage, this woman is a dumper whom made a mistake in dumping this guy and now she is trying to fix it, so what she had a snoop around and you all call her a stalker, does that make YOU a stalker if you look at your ex's facebook etc ! The guy said he still loves her, if he was really pissed off he would not have said this and called the cops but he didnt he had the 'talk' . TNT you've got balls woman felt like something out of sex and the city reading that First off, there's a HUGE difference between looking at Facebook and going into someone's apartment. You are comparing apples to hand grenades. The only thing close would be actually hacking into the Facebook account to read private emails, or view what they have set as private. Snooping is a show of zero respect and trust for the other person's privacy. Oddly enough, respect and trust are quite important for any relationship. What I find funny is that everyone who says this is sweet and a grand gesture, still doesn't answer the question of, "What if your ex did this to you?" Does anyone want to even guess what this guy, or even the brother's girlfriend, would say if she told them she rummaged through their stuff when they were not home? Does he know the full story or does he think you were just waiting for him? If the guy really loved her, he would have taken her back on the spot. Yet he didn't. Look at his actions, not his words. The first thing he asked is why she is being so selfish. He only had the talk because some lady was in his place unannounced and seemingly refusing to leave until her version of reality was met. Everything that happened seems to reinforce his original idea of not taking her back.
WTRanger Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Oh wow look at that. Interesting W. I can respect your point of view. I knew I would get some feed back like yours. It's ok. I'll take it. Maybe I have been seeming like it's on my terms etc... I've tried. I guess now days you just gotta give up. I understand the point in letting him breathe and go through what he needs to, thy is the direction I'm aiming. The thing with him that I don't understand is we were beginning to be cool. I finally leave him alone to think and have his time and then I come around to let him know I still love him and to see how he is and now he's angry again. Seems like because I let him be he's angry again even more so now. Anyhow, it's all good. I really came in peace and wanted to express my love but maybe leaving him completely alone and not showing him in gestures will show him I do. Go figures. I will respect his space. I'm far from stalker, Ill do my thing and give it time. See, you are giving him time to think. Your time frame, not his though. You need to give him time to think and then let him come to you. But you are cutting it short by going to him when you feel he's taking too long by your standards. You can't rush this sort of thing. Your other option is that if he tells you he needs time, then you ask for a time frame, say 1-2 weeks or whatever. That gives the two of you a set deadline. You have to respect him enough to not check in the entire time, and you have to trust him enough that he'll come through when he says he will. If he doesn't, then realistically you have your answer or you can go ahead and release the hounds on him. You may just have to start to accept that he won't take you back.
TLCbear Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Not trying to judge, but I think you went over the top with opening his door, going into his place, (without his permission) and snopping around. Other than that, I think you made yourself clear that you want another chance with him. Now, I would say just to back off a bit. He still seem to be upset over the situation. Why did you end the relationship? I'm lazy, so don't want to go back and read, lol.
redmelon Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 (edited) Breaking into someone's apartment is a wee bit stalkerish to me. I don't give six flying sh*ts how long they were together. They are ex's now. Showing up to talk, no, that isn't stalkerish. But opening up the door, rummaging though his stuff and stuff that's not even his, that's freaky. Would you want an ex boyfriend in your apartment like that? To come home and find him just sitting in your living room? You'd be okay with that? Especially after you've been telling him to leave you alone? No, I would definitely NOT like to come home and have an ex going through my shtuff. However, we can't change that she did that. I am trying to be supportive and look ahead to what she might do NOW. I didn't get the impression that he got mad at her, so she was lucky in that regard. I was riveted reading the story, though! Edited October 28, 2010 by redmelon
alwayshoping Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 If my ex did that I would be over the moon she still cared about me! I would love my ex to show me she still cared esp by coming to see me! If she cared that I had a purse in my room then all the better as it proves she still gets jelous and doesnt want me with anyone else. As for giving him time? why? You want him back and have to prove it! If he asked for time then fair enough but otherwise small gestures would be so nice! god if my ex did that I think i would grow wings and fly over the moon and back! Yes if i was over her then i wouldnt want that, or if i still hated her for all the crap she did. But people can try change and its the small things that matter. I really respect the fact your woman enough to realise you made a mistake and try fix things. Very romantic.
WTRanger Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 If my ex did that I would be over the moon she still cared about me! I would love my ex to show me she still cared esp by coming to see me! If she cared that I had a purse in my room then all the better as it proves she still gets jelous and doesnt want me with anyone else. As for giving him time? why? You want him back and have to prove it! If he asked for time then fair enough but otherwise small gestures would be so nice! god if my ex did that I think i would grow wings and fly over the moon and back! Yes if i was over her then i wouldnt want that, or if i still hated her for all the crap she did. But people can try change and its the small things that matter. I really respect the fact your woman enough to realise you made a mistake and try fix things. Very romantic. Yes, keep pushing. That'll bring him back. Keep contacting him and asking him if he's made a decision. Guys (and girls) love an ex who can give cling-wrap a lesson or two. That really puts the spark back into a relationship. Nothing melts a heart like a love-sick puppy dog who won't leave you alone. LoveTNT, you've said your piece. Believe me, this guy doesn't have amnesia. He knows how you feel and where you want to go. Just lay low for a bit. Pick up a hobby or something to keep your mind occupied. For what it's worth, violating your personal space doesn't mean someone cares about you. It means they are doing it for their own good, not yours. If someone truly cared, they'd respect that. Going to the door was fine, but going into the apartment simply because the door was open was when the line got crossed.
Author LoveTNT Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 (edited) to those that are trying to understand, thank you. I appreciate everyones feed back/ thoughts. I know it was on the overboard tip. I just didn't want to move on with out trying one last time. I get what I did can come off disrespectful and invading more than privacy. What my heart got me into really did come from a good place, but I'm not doing it again. Anyhow, So I understand where you are coming from W. Yes from the outside it does look dramatic and clingy etc. I get it. I'll take it. When it is seen like a selfish move, I can see it from those eyes too. Trust if I told someone I didn't want to see them or speak to them and truly meant it, yes I would get upset if they were in my place acting like they can just bardge in and do as they please. I took my chances. I thought about everything possible that could accur. I've never done anything like this in our relationship. I've respected his space. Yes, I let MY emotions get the best of me and decided to go through with it. It happened. I can't change it. I'm not going to do this again. I love him and yes I do need to respect him. I honestly believe he didn't see it as a psycho move. I just wanted to talk face to face and hear anything he had to say in person. Anyhow, the day when he isn't angry with me I believe he'll look back at this and see that I loved him and missed him and just wanted to talk. I've learned a lot through our situation. I do have hobbies, go to school, and I have a gratifying job helping families in need. I'm a good person that has made mistakes. I'm learning and growing. I just had to give it a shot and I'm not doing that again. Edited October 28, 2010 by LoveTNT
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