lapse Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I broke up with my fiance a month ago and moved out over the weekend. Leading up to the breakup, I'd been angry about a lot of things but I was committed to making it work. Nonetheless I'd broken up with him numerous times before, and we just never successfully managed to complete the breakup. Within a week or two, we were back together. I felt then that my anger was not playing its proper role. For example, when I got raging angry, I'd panic and *have* to reconcile. Now, however, and in the last couple of weeks, I finally feel that my anger is playing its proper role: serving to keep me from contacting him, from opening up to the possibility of reconciliation, and perhaps most of all, from feeling as devastated as I would without it. I'm a bit mystified by the opposing roles that anger can play (eros vs. thantos force), but I suppose my issue, at this point, is this: I know that holding on to anger is not healthy. However, right now, I need it... to ensure that I do not reconcile... or try to reconcile and get rejected. Either scenario will lead to more pain. I am terrified of engaging emotionally again with this guy. My anger keeps that fear real and present. However, at some point, I have to let go of it or I can not move on. In your experiences, does forgiveness precede emotional recovery or does it follow after your feelings of attachment have dissipated? I have considered doing some work on the forgiveness, making a conscious effort to stop mulling over my ex's misdeeds. However, I know that if I were to forgive right now, I would run right back... I'd get hurt all over again. Is there any way to balance forgiveness with acceptance?
Ro2Pi Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Hmm. I've questioned this myself greatly and have ventured in many possible directions. I was also in a relationship which found itself constantly breaking and renewing. Anger played a key role to ensure a complete breakup. Anger plays a huge role in my life... In a nutshell my father was terribly frightening and angry which made me supress anger in myself for the fear of becoming him (quite unhealthy). So trust me when I say that anger is not necessarily a slippery slope. A therapist was absolutely amazing in accelerating my recovery and spiritual growth too. My answer to you is an inadequate 'it depends'. But know that feeling angry is very healthy. For me it symbolized my frustration for my ex's insecurities. Disappointment in all of my hopes. And a deep understanding for the work I will have to rebuild my identity as an individual (which should have never been lost in the first place). It's been technically 2 months I've been angry at my ex. However, the anger starts to fade with time alone and with friends. I'm very proud in myself because I know forgiveness will one day arrive. In the meantime anger and loneliness are my companions not my demons. And no, it's not an 'emo' response... Hmm, I'd like to make clear that the above may sound a little hippy or religious but I'm none of those things. Maybe a little hippy at times. The road to recovery is long but in the end you'll be a much stronger and unique individual. Be angry, it's ok. I truly believe its incorrect that 'holding onto anger' is unhealthy. Its only unhealthy if its emitted immaturely or a response to everything bad. But this is a breakup, boundaries were violated and people are hurt. Anger is completely natural. I find it conflicting to attempt to forgive someone you're still angry at... You would only be lying towards yourself which is undeserving. It only slows the progress. By your language, I get the impression that you're a good person who doesn't want to be identified as angry nor always be angry (despite our feelings of hate may appear unlimited). Like I said above, it's not a slippery slope. The order is almost always: anger, acceptance, and forgiveness. Rearrangement of this usually leaves unaddressed issues which could affect future relationships. I wish the best!
coltsfan1 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 in my opinion anger is a natural reaction. it is up to you as a person to stay on top of the anger and not allow it to ruin relationships with others or cause you to self destruct! just stay on top of it and you will be fine!
Ro2Pi Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Wish, writing at 2 am is nit my forte. I didn't mean to think you Jutes me as 'emo'... There are people these days who are so narrow minded and observe emotion as instability. Just a bad automated defense. Also! I didn't want to end on a bad note: This road may appear reckless, dangerous, and slippery. And who's his guy thinking he's an expert? I hope you can find trust in the mysterious forum poster when he says that indeed life is beautiful past the storm. Just don't deny it's existence! So be angry. Remind yourself what gave you the courage to say goodbye because surely it's a good reason if it's repetitive. If you don't know completely why, I highly recommend a therapist. If I may shout loudly: IT DOES NOT SYMBOLIZE WEAKNESS. They just accelerate ones spiritual growth and healing process. I've never been more stronger and well connected with my emotions ever before. I find my therapist to be absolutely amazing and inexpensive for all the rewards. Best of luck!
br0ken_w0lf Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I'm sure everyone is different but I agree that anger has its purpose and I also agree that you need it now. It *does* prevent us from taking actions that we probably shouldn't take on various occasions. Regarding forgiveness, for me anyway, it came much later than the actual break-up and while I'm still not emotionally recovered, forgiveness was a necessary step for me to move on with other areas of my life. I think you're on the right track and seem very self-aware. You know that you need to let go of the anger at some point and I have a feeling that you'll know when that time comes...
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