Guys, can you explain this one to me?

[luvstarved]

Better yet, be alone for a while and adjust to that. Figure out what your dealbreakers are before getting involved with a new man. Don't even THINK about starting a new relationship until you are strong enough to ***walk away*** early on if there are redflags for dealbreakers.

 

It is true that all relationships have challenges. It is not true that all relationships involved tolerating soul-crushing behavior. In my time on message boards, I've noticed that posters in bad relationships overestimate the problems of typical relationships in order to justify staying in their relationship. I really mean this to be supportive, and not harsh, but if you consistently have unsatisfactory relationships, consider the common denominator: you. That doesn't mean you are a bad person, but it means you are going about something wrong. It is probably time to get out the relationships, clear you head and your life of the drama, get some IC, and come out the other side more prepared to begin a healthy, rewarding relationship.

 

Ironically, I DID walk away from him early on. He was handsome, stable, calm, blah blah and I thought I had hit the jackpot and that he felt the same about me. Then after a couple of months, he gave me the "not looking for anything serious" speech. I told him that I was, that I was not looking for an engagement ring in any time frame but that ultimately I WAS looking for something serious, and that clearly he had ruled me out in the long term and seemed to be basically saying that he was only hanging out as long as the sex was good, which was a waste of my time. I threw him out. Did not talk to him for weeks, even though he threw rocks at my window and the whole bit. I told him I bore no grudges but our continuing a relationship was pointless. He said then that he only said that because he thought he was in love with me and "was scared". I shoulda run then but I didn't.

[awakenedatlast]

Luvstarved, I think you must be married to my husband's long-lost twin brother.

I can only sympathize and hope that you have the guts to do what I am still only considering: walk away.

[luvstarved]

Well, cat's out of this bag. His mother is the problem. She spoiled him for any and all other women. She has that 'my son is mine first and forever' and all other women must be secondary in his life, or I have lost him.

He was raised to love his mother first. Nothing wrong with loving one's mother, but his mother has a psychological grip on him he probably will never be free of.

Your man can't grow up because of what his mother has done to him psychologically.

She's taught him to be selfish to a degree that he can't see a give and take sexual relationship. He simply doesn't understand one.

A few wake up calls are in order. Call a therapist and insist upon counseling. Insist. Don't take no for an answer.

This problem manifested itself in your sex life as the most obvious and glaring, but it is part of a larger dysfunction.

Or...live with him the way he is.

You could at least refuse to let him control a bj. A bj is a gift, and the giver decides what the gift is--meaning how it is delivered. Just like any other gift, it is from you, and expressed by you. His idea of a bj is to tell you exactly what he wants for Christmas, and expect exactly that under the tree. Where's the giving and fun and surprise in that? There isn't any of course.

Start shaking things up. Demand that he go down on you before intercourse, instead of the bf. Get on top if he's always wanting the dominant position. Yeah, I know, even writing this, that it isn't going to work. But you get the idea--refuse to play the game HIS WAY.

Your H doesn't realize that you are not a blow up doll and that there are two people with desires and needs.

He doesn't know what intimacy is, he's so one-sided. Is there a little gap somewhere in his intimacy wall? Conversation, church, the house, anywhere that you can bust through? What aspect of your marriage is the one in which you are the most successful at being heard? Run with that if you can figure out what it is. Apply similarly successful tactics on other areas of the marriage.

 

You're very insightful and nail is meeting head. Yes his mother is a huge part of the problem and continues to be. He even once confided to me (AGAIN, RIGHT AFTER we had sex) that he had gotten "sexual signals" from his mother over the years. Well that was the last thing I wanted to hear during supposed afterglow but gave a rational response of : either she is giving them in which case she has issues, or she is not giving them and you are perceiving them in which case you have issues. His response was to blow up and tell me my thinkng was "sick" and "twisted" and I was like, um...did YOU not just tell me you got sexual signals from your mother? What do you expect me to say?

[You Go Girl]

You're very insightful and nail is meeting head. Yes his mother is a huge part of the problem and continues to be. He even once confided to me (AGAIN, RIGHT AFTER we had sex) that he had gotten "sexual signals" from his mother over the years. Well that was the last thing I wanted to hear during supposed afterglow but gave a rational response of : either she is giving them in which case she has issues, or she is not giving them and you are perceiving them in which case you have issues. His response was to blow up and tell me my thinkng was "sick" and "twisted" and I was like, um...did YOU not just tell me you got sexual signals from your mother? What do you expect me to say?

 

Thank-you.

You have read of the Madonna/Whore complex and Oedipus complex I assume? Both of these seem to fit your husband.

In essence, the only type of woman he could have a successful marriage with would be a woman who naturally had traits that mirror that of his mother.

You two speak different love languages, to put it simply. You are not a good match. His ideal match will have psychological traits that mirror his mother naturally, without effort.

This is true for most people, that their ideal matches share many similar traits to their parent, the more loving parent, or parent that they identified with, but not necessarily the parent of the opposite gender.

 

This will probably involve, from reading what you have said of his personality, a woman who adores him in ways similar to how his mother does. Other aspects of the relationship, would actually fall into place more easily.

And what of you and the parent you identify with and found the most loving? It's not imperative that you go out searching to replace him with a person who mirrors your parent, however, it is a love language that you speak and understand.

In the meantime, you are experiencing trauma from this relationship. You need to take care of your own mental health, and it sounds as if you have not put yourself first in your relationships. What is considered sane, logical, normal, to you, you will not find in this relationship. There does come a time when it is time to take care of yourself and find yourself in a relationship in which you speak the same love language as the man you chose as a partner. I believe that if you find that in the future, you won't be confused, there won't be odd disconnects that are common to the relationship as there are with this one. You will KNOW. Yes, that clearly.

[Kendrick]

You're very insightful and nail is meeting head. Yes his mother is a huge part of the problem and continues to be. He even once confided to me (AGAIN, RIGHT AFTER we had sex) that he had gotten "sexual signals" from his mother over the years. Well that was the last thing I wanted to hear during supposed afterglow but gave a rational response of : either she is giving them in which case she has issues, or she is not giving them and you are perceiving them in which case you have issues. His response was to blow up and tell me my thinkng was "sick" and "twisted" and I was like, um...did YOU not just tell me you got sexual signals from your mother? What do you expect me to say?

 

That would probably be it for me.

[luvstarved]

Interesting development, we had another fight that degenerated into talking about the sexless phase and he contended as he always does that it was a two-way street, I looked at porn as much as he did, blah blah, all just not true. I was trying to convey that the rejection during that time made me insecure, etc...and he got all defensive as usual.

 

But, later, he mentioned that a medical treatment he went through during that time "did a number on him" and then a little bit later said that maybe he needed to try Viagra...words I NEVER thought would come out of his mouth.

 

I wanted to approach it gently as it felt like a breakthrough that I did not want him to reverse himself on...so I just casually asked whether he felt he had an issue more with "getting there" (i.e. getting an erection) or "staying there" (i.e. premature ejaculation) and he said both. We briefly talked about causes. He mentioned this treatment (1 year of interferon, for the record) and age. I mentioned lack of opportunity to relax and take our time...I thought about mentioning boredom but was afraid that would start a fight.

 

We had sex that day and he was obviously trying harder to make it last longer and that was good. I told him that I would leave it to him as to whether to talk to a doctor about it, that my issue was not with that but with feeling wanted and close to him. Truthfully, I am slightly afraid of Viagra because I have heard it can sometimes bring out the latent cheater in a man...

 

But, it does put the situation in a new perspective that I can interpret more favorably wrt how he feels. It makes sense in that context that masturbation is less pressure, less embarrassing or whatever, and it makes some sense too that he might need more visual stimulation than he might otherwise...it has actually been pretty rare for him to flat out not be able to get an erection, but some have been "barely there" and then he comes very quickly.

 

So, now, wondering if the real issue is both of us feeling sheepish and inadequate, where really neither of us should...I want to understand this better but don't want to short-circuit the progress by seeming to "harp" on it...anyway, it feels like progress. Hope I'm not wrong.

[phillyfan]

Dude good on you for getting the guy to talk about Viagra seems like he is seriously embarased.

 

But u know what, forget the 'why', this has gone on for yrs, and at the end of the day, life is not a rehearsal. Bottom line is u r not happy, u feel sad, a LOT of the time, but u try and try and try. Life is kinda passing u by. I know u love the guy but seriously? This is a miserable way to live. Maybe there is anotha guy out there who can make u happier.

[musemaj11]

How good of a husband is he outside the bedroom? If he is perfect otherwise then you cant have it all you know.

[JayJ]

Some men actually prefer masturbation to partner sex. The kind of intimacy involved in a close sexual relationship can be very stressful for some guys. It can sometimes cause them to suffer from sexual dysfunctions which in turn will make sex even more stressful and unpleasant for them.

 

Women tend to base their enjoyment of sex on the intimacy involved so have a hard time understanding men like this.

 

If this is the case with your partner and he is still having sex with you I'd say he is being a pretty standup guy. Most married guys in this situation sooner or later stop having sex with their wives and retreat into a stress-less fantasy world often involving porn. Many a long term sexless marriage is caused by this.

 

There is a long list of reasons why some men are this way but the roots of the problem usually can be found in childhood and the family of origin. A man who suffers from depression or anxiety can also find partner sex unpleasant. Often these men are fine at the beginning of a relationship because the excitement of a new sexual partner often overrides the sexual anxiety. But as soon as the relationship settles into a day to day routine sex becomes more of an unpleasant chore than anything pleasurable.

[luvstarved]

Some men actually prefer masturbation to partner sex. The kind of intimacy involved in a close sexual relationship can be very stressful for some guys. It can sometimes cause them to suffer from sexual dysfunctions which in turn will make sex even more stressful and unpleasant for them.

 

Women tend to base their enjoyment of sex on the intimacy involved so have a hard time understanding men like this.

 

If this is the case with your partner and he is still having sex with you I'd say he is being a pretty standup guy. Most married guys in this situation sooner or later stop having sex with their wives and retreat into a stress-less fantasy world often involving porn. Many a long term sexless marriage is caused by this.

 

There is a long list of reasons why some men are this way but the roots of the problem usually can be found in childhood and the family of origin. A man who suffers from depression or anxiety can also find partner sex unpleasant. Often these men are fine at the beginning of a relationship because the excitement of a new sexual partner often overrides the sexual anxiety. But as soon as the relationship settles into a day to day routine sex becomes more of an unpleasant chore than anything pleasurable.

 

Well this is it exactly but he refuses to admit it. I had a brother like this

and have said in various ways that the problem is not that I don't

understand this, but am left wondering what to do about it. But since

he won't admit it, and prefers to characterize the problem differently

(ie to be my fault - I am too mean, I am oversexed, he never had sex

problems with other women) we can't meaningfully address it.

 

We went sexless for a long time, and only my stating ultimately that

this would lead to divorce caused him to "buck up" and start having

sex with me again. He is the initiator...if I try, forget it. But even so,

he seems to want it over with asap and have it be a minimal and

impersonal experience.

 

He never had to face the reality that he was not able to sustain a

sexual relationship over the long haul because in the past when the

excitement wore off, the relationship was pretty much doomed. It's

true he never had to talk about sex with other women, because he

was never with them long enough to get bored. He has painted

our scenario alternately as being my fault, or being the natural

evolution of relationships.

 

I fluctuate between trying to find some angle that will lead him to

be more open to discussion and trying to make things better in bed,

and thinking of just releasing him from his sexual obligation to me

and calling it a day.

 

It does bother me to see him checking out other women online, etc,

then having this crappy sex with me. It seems to me a very simple

thing to talk about it, try to do something about it, and I am a very

open-minded person that way. But he wants nothing to do with it.

There IS no problem for him, because he just quietly masturbates

most of the time, and struggles through sex with me just often

enough to keep me from being able to complain much about it.

If I even broach the subject directly, he gets angry and tells me

I expect too much, etc. He has spent hours on facebook checking

out women from his youth, then when I mention it, he says I am

calling him a pervert, he doesn't "think like that", etc.

 

Bottom line, he uses flat denial to prevent me from having a point at

all, and to completely invalidate my feelings, leaving me nowhere to go.

 

So there isn't really a solution for me, it seems.

[JayJ]

Probably not if he is suffering from sexual anxiety caused by being in a close intimate relationship like marriage.

 

I am speaking from experience. Ever since I started dating in my teens I would start to suffer from sexual dysfunctions after just a few sexual encounters with any given woman. I had no idea what was causing it and I basically put it down to simply being the type of guy who was easily bored sexually.

 

So until I married at age 35 I just moved from partner to partner having great sex until the relationship would get serious and then "losing interest"

 

So you can imagine what happened when I married. We had problems even way before the wedding day and I promised to seek help after we were married. I spent years being treated for the symptoms (E.D. Inhibited Ejaculation) without any luck at all and our marriage has always been sexless. It took me 15 years in and out of therapy to discover what the problem actually was and to find out the sexual dysfunctions were simply symptoms of something else.

 

My wife has decided to stay on despite the problems for various reasons of her own but we haven't had sex for 20 years.

 

Guys like me should never marry and it sounds as if your husband is also suffering from intimacy anxiety as well. As long as we can change partners frequently we will have enjoyable sex lives. But marriage is a sexual desire killer for us and there isn't much that can be done. This was caused by childhood trauma and the inability to trust others. It's basically a life sentence. You can try therapy but it didn't work for me.

[luvstarved]

Well now you've got me curious...I do think there is a great deal of similarity in our situations but it sounds like yours is more severe...

 

But, I am wondering - first, why DID you get married? I assume that you had not entirely put two and two together at the time but did experience problems. Was there something more that motivated you to be with your wife, or more a simple case of timing, as in, cripes, I'm in my 30s, I need to settle down.

 

Second, then what do the two of you do with your libidos? My H has tried to characterize himself as low-need in that regard, but it's crap...he just masturbates a lot. I do sometimes but it's not the same for me and I usually feel kind of pathetic after...I don't think my H ever seriously considers affairs, I think he is mostly content on his own and probably only has passing resentful thoughts that I prevent him from having "great sex" (great meaning with anyone but me). For the most part, I think he is afraid of and intimidated by women, and it might even be true that I provide him something of a cover to not be thought gay or have to deal with dating.

 

Last, what kind of relationship do you have then? Are you otherwise affectionate, put on a show for the world, are you best friends, roommates, what?

 

I agree it comes from childhood and also that it has to do with lack of trust for him. He seems to really trust nobody but his mother. Which is ironic since the way she raised him served his ego but not his best interests. She taught him a notion of "love" that does not allow him to trust anyone else or even think of anyone else. His opinion of everyone is based entirely on how they are treating him in the moment. And she is still in the picture, ready to tell him that anyone who disagrees with him or does not cheerfully comply with his wishes is an a**hole who is out to get him. Including, maybe even especially, me.

 

We had a great sex life for around 3 years but all the fun (variety) was my idea and he seemed nervous even then but liked it, I'll say. It only came crashing down when I dared to suggest that it needed work...I meant well as it happens to varying degrees to all couples but he took it as an insult...

 

He DOES try and we go through good phases but never what I would call "intimate"...more frequent and "comfortable" is more like it. And I try to understand...but while I do understand he does not want to run off with another woman, feeling excluded from his sexual repertoire, imaginary as it might be, does hurt my feelings in a way I have not learned to deal with.

 

Anyway, thanks for your story...it is good to hear your perspective!

[JayJ]

Well now you've got me curious...I do think there is a great deal of similarity in our situations but it sounds like yours is more severe...

 

But, I am wondering - first, why DID you get married? I assume that you had not entirely put two and two together at the time but did experience problems. Was there something more that motivated you to be with your wife, or more a simple case of timing, as in, cripes, I'm in my 30s, I need to settle down.

 

Second, then what do the two of you do with your libidos? My H has tried to characterize himself as low-need in that regard, but it's crap...he just masturbates a lot. I do sometimes but it's not the same for me and I usually feel kind of pathetic after...I don't think my H ever seriously considers affairs, I think he is mostly content on his own and probably only has passing resentful thoughts that I prevent him from having "great sex" (great meaning with anyone but me). For the most part, I think he is afraid of and intimidated by women, and it might even be true that I provide him something of a cover to not be thought gay or have to deal with dating.

 

Last, what kind of relationship do you have then? Are you otherwise affectionate, put on a show for the world, are you best friends, roommates, what?

 

I agree it comes from childhood and also that it has to do with lack of trust for him. He seems to really trust nobody but his mother. Which is ironic since the way she raised him served his ego but not his best interests. She taught him a notion of "love" that does not allow him to trust anyone else or even think of anyone else. His opinion of everyone is based entirely on how they are treating him in the moment. And she is still in the picture, ready to tell him that anyone who disagrees with him or does not cheerfully comply with his wishes is an a**hole who is out to get him. Including, maybe even especially, me.

 

We had a great sex life for around 3 years but all the fun (variety) was my idea and he seemed nervous even then but liked it, I'll say. It only came crashing down when I dared to suggest that it needed work...I meant well as it happens to varying degrees to all couples but he took it as an insult...

 

He DOES try and we go through good phases but never what I would call "intimate"...more frequent and "comfortable" is more like it. And I try to understand...but while I do understand he does not want to run off with another woman, feeling excluded from his sexual repertoire, imaginary as it might be, does hurt my feelings in a way I have not learned to deal with.

 

Anyway, thanks for your story...it is good to hear your perspective!

 

Yes I masturbate. Not sure what my wife does. Ten years ago I suggested we have an open marriage and told her to take a lover if she wanted to. But she didn't like the idea much. So yes we are basically roommates. We get along great but are not close at all and really never have been. I worry what will happen when the kids leave home. I don't think the marriage will last past that point. I don't blame her for my rotten sex life I blame marriage.