Paranoid & but still in love.

[cjay]

Ok title says it all. I am very paranoid and confused about my wife but we are still in love.

 

Me - 27 years old

Wife - 27 years old

Been together for 8 years but married almost 2 years.

 

I have always been a paranoid person, I grew up in a household where my dad was having an affair and I saw my mom cry countless nights and days. I was the one who comforted her, and I was barely 10... I dated a few girls here and there in my high school years, cheated but emotionally cheated. Suddently I met my wife I was quite pleased because I finally found my soulmate. We were perfect for each other. We were always happy and so forth. However, I always was paranoid about her whereabouts and such. Also, I kept my distance from her at times not getting close just so that I don't get hurt...She was always there for me but I was always so distant.

 

However, just recently since my dad passed, this past Spring, our relationship got worse. She started drinking a lot more (hiding it from me) and I was just too emotional. I wanted to make sure that she knew I loved her so I grew more attached, clingy in a way. I always wanted to spend my time with her. I never got a chance to say bye to my dad before he passed, his death was sudden, and was laying in the hospital for weeks before he passed...So I guess in a way I finally got a surge of energy to believe, wow I better make sure that my wife knows I love her. This is when I wanted to pay more attention to her, go out on dinner, talk more and listen. She grew more distant cold and became very close to her drinking. This posed a problem, but didn't want to sound like a controlling husband, so I let her cope her own way.

 

For the past four months we have been going back and forth with depression. She drank more and more, and just told me how much she was miserable in our relationship and that I never paid too much attention to her. I knew this, so I told her that I am a changed man and that I love her with all my heart and that she means the world me to me. She wanted to leave, I wanted to leave. She wanted to leave because she thought I was controlling and manipulative because I was too nice...And I wanted to leave because her void of emotions were too unbearable....I was emotional, I cried too much.

 

Ok moving forward....So she wanted to go out more with her friends and drink. So I'm like ok. She invited me because she said she wants me there so that she can do stuff with me when she's drunk. I'm not the type that goes out and drink. I'm more laid back. so I agreed and went with her. We went out and I sat on the table while she and her friend go get a drink at the bar. Keep in mind it's $1 drinks for ladies all night. So I saw her friend go past me to go to the bathroom and I saw her at the bar flirting with two guys. I was enraged. (for clarification my wife is a flirt and she doesn't get why it hurts me) I tried to keep my cool. Then I saw that guy touch her shoulder and her hand. I was like what the heck, she has her wedding ring on why would she...How could she. So I went over there touched her back and said let's go. Grabbed her hand and took her with me back to the table. I told her "Why are you acting like a single person? This is why I didn't want to go come." Her excuse was, "Well, Katie wanted the guys to buy her a drink for her." and I'm like, "but it's a $1 for all ladies, what is the point of that?" So Katie came back and told me "those guys are ugly don't worry about it, confidance is sexy. I have your back" (yeah right) and my wife was mad at me. I was so furious, I slapped the drink out of the table and it spilled all over. I felt worse after that, so I stormed off into the car. She tried to ignore it, as always, I don't like issues lingering. So we got in a fight and yelled at each other. I felt horrible.

 

Weeks past we are struggling with our relationship. I wanted this to work. She grew more cold and distant. Suddenly things were going normal and we were fine for a week, this was in mid September. And then she asked me if she can have a girls night. I'm like great ok have fun. For once, I let my guard down and trusted her with all sincerity without thinking in the back of my head why. So that Tuesday she went to open bar. She said she was going with Katie (BTW Katie is our roommate and her friend) and another gal friend of theres. We have one working car the other isn't working. So I said, let me drive you, so you can drink as much as you can. she said no it's ok I'll drive myself. So I said that's fine. So she went. I stayed home and worked out and then I saw Katie come home early. I was like ok, and she was holding 'dinner leftovers' from a restaurant. I'm like ok...So I went upstairs texted my wife and just played it cool and told her 'Hey Katie is here she scared me when I was downstairs working out'. Which is true she did scare me cause I didnt hear the door open. So she texted me and said "lol'. So I was like ok, so I went upstairs to go use my laptop so I can login to FB. I couldn't find my charger for my laptop so I was like dang. Then I saw her laptop and was like hey it's charged let me go to FB and sign on to my email. I don't like snooping around but the browser was open and her email with her maiden name was open. I was like ok let me sign off until I saw three e-mails with a subject "Re: Exotic Woman Looking for Fun". I was like what??? So I opened it up and my heart just fell to the floor. My wife posted a craigslist ad and these men have been e-mailing her. Well quite particularly this two men came to mind, because she kept on e-mailing them. Out of the e-mail content, it says that she was going out with her friends that night and she would love to meet up with them at the bar. For some reason I didn't even go to craigslist to find her ad...I was just dropped and felt a stabbing pain into my heart. I wasn't mad, I was really upset...It's rare cause usually I get into a temper but this time I was so distraught and saddened. I texted her, when you get home we need to talk. She kept on texting me why for what? She texted me a few times. She got home at around 8:30 something, wow she got home early. She texted me hey I'm going to watch a show with Katie downstairs and I'll come upstairs. I didn't text her back. I called our mutual friend and I emailed her the e-mails to confirm if I was seeing it correctly or not. And she was like in shock and told me ok man...It's time to let go. So I cried to her and asked God why would she do this to me....My friend told me to move on because I am such a catch and that I can find another in no time...I was confused I didn't know what to do. My wife came upstairs and I was laying down and tried to ignore her. She came and tried to hug me and I pushed her away and then I sat up and took her hand and said, I know...I read your e-mail. I know I haven't been the best husband to you, and I I understand, I'm not mad and I want to ...She got defensive said "what are you talking about" So I showed her the e-mails ( I forwarded it to myself) and she said that must be someone hacking into my account, she went into her e-mail and poof those emails are gone. I'm thinking she probably did it while she was watching tv with Katie. So I sighed and calmly told her it's ok, we can work this through. Then she got mad and told me about privacy and how I invaded it. I felt guilty cause it's true. So she left the room and said she didn't want to talk to me. The fool that I am, I ran after her and told her I'm sorry. She told me to go away, so I did and cried myself all night.

 

The next day I went to work and I was in despair. I checked our phone bill and saw all these texts from this one guy that e-mailed her. I packed up some things for an overnight so that I can keep away from her and just think. After work, I went to our other property which we haven't found a renter yet, so it was vacant. I went there and she kept on texting me and calling me. This time she called me and asked if she can use the car the next day for an interview. I ignored her. Finally I texted her back, I know you're texting him. And we got into it big time. She cussed and me and told me she will leave the house. So I told her no I will leave and you stay at that house. Then again, I got obsessed and looked at our call log and text log on our online account management and every minute it seems she is talking and texting this guy. So finally she called me and we talked and I asked her can I come home to talk. So I went home and we talked and she said she cannot be with me anymore. I tried to affirm my love for her but it didn't work. So I said ok...I wanted her happy and with me she was unhappy. So I said ok I'm going to sleep, so I went upstairs, while she stayed downstairs to watch tv. I really didn't go to sleep, I talked to a few of my friends and they suggested to go on a dating site immediately. So I did and signed up for a few. While I was doing that I heard a loud bang, so I ran downstairs and my wife was breaking alcoholic bottles on our kitchen island with a hammer. I told her omg are you ok. I hugged her and pulled the hammer away. I said let's go put you to sleep. So I took her upstairs and tucked her in and told her, please just sleep and get a goods nights rest. I won't be in your life anymore so no need to be unhappy. She followed me in our room and told me why did you take so long to change (on me paying attention to her more now). I explained it to her. She wouldn't take it, so I said ok. And she went to her side of the bed and slept. I just laid on my side and slept. I couldn't help it, I hugged her.

 

The next day, she was dropping me off so she can take me to work because of her interview. So as I got ready for work, she noticed I hugged her and said "Don't get used to this...", I nearly cried. So on my way to work, there was a major accident on the major street that takes me to work, so I was crying so much because I knew our marriage was over. Then I called into work and told them I wasn't feeling well. So I turned around and went back home, she went upstairs and ignored me. At that point I hit an all time low. Told her how much I loved her and she just said leave me alone this will be much easier like this, that she had a friend she is moving in with. So after an hour of crying, I got a cord and told my goodbyes to everyone. First was my sisters, than our friend...I was going to get down and suddently the chair below me got slippery and then I woke up laying on the floor with my wife crying over me and yelling at me "what are you doing??" "omg don't die what are you doing"? Apparently I had been unconcious for a few minutes. She was kind after that, she took care of me, took me to the emergency room, and then bought me my favorite dinner...I said aren't you going to miss your interview, she said you're more important. She was the my wife that I knew and loved. The Dr. got me excused from work for a few days. She wanted us to go to a B&B and we did, we spent the weekend together and it was great. She was loving and attentive. I was happy.

 

As paranoid as I was she kept hiding her phone away from me. I just shrugged it off because I knew he was texting her but she wasn't texting back. I'm serious this guy texts her about 50 times a day for a while. She got annoyed of him then finally told me dang I got a stalker, we laughed about it. She finally opened up and told me she just wanted friends but I told her friends are no good if they have other intentions. She said she knows. So she told me she didn't do anything. So I agreed and suddenly a week after my suicide failure attempt, we were going to have lunch. Remember we have one car, so I said I'll pick you up, she said no she'll bike to my work. I'm like weary because their is a lot of roadway construction but she bugged me until i said ok. So it took her about an hour and a few minutes to get to my work. She was wear very nice jeans and a sexy top. I was thinking to myself why would she wear that. We had lunch we were great. After lunch she biked back. It took her 2.5 hours to bike back home....Now I got paranoid and thought wtf. I asked her 'are you ok?' It took a while for her to respond but she did and said yeah it's harder to go back. She called me and told me she was still on a street which was only 3 miles from here and that took an hour? So I let it go because maybe she was tired.

 

Moving forward, our relationship right now has been great, we are communicating and she is loving. But that guy keeps on texting her and calling her. I'm quite annoyed. I know I can't control how he acts but yeah....Anyways I did a reverse cell phone and found out about him. His full name, his address, where he used to live etc. And to my surprise, his house is off the main street she biked back home from...Now it must be coincidence but it's quite close. I don't know should I be weary? Why would he communicate for over a month if she hasn't contacted him by texts? Our friend told me to let it go and not bring him up...But how can I not if he keeps texting her? *sigh* I don't know what to do. Should I confront him? Should I tell my wife....I tried to bring it up with my wife but she gets so annoyed by me and it's going soo good right now that I don't want to ruin our happy marriage, since it's been void of happiness for so long...Am I just being paranoid and misunderstanding things? should I truly just let it go and ignore it, like my friend suggests?

Edited October 27, 2010 by cjay

[lkjh]

Dude the writing is on the wall. She is cheating on you emotionally at the very least. She has probably met up with him and it has probably even gone farther and you are letting her control everything.

 

You need to man up

[Bryanp]

Maybe you should ask yourself why you love a woman who overtly humiliates and disrespects you so much. The signs are everywhere that is cheating on you. She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[cjay]

I want to believe that she didn't do any physical because she said she didn't. Emotional yes I can believe it. I wasn't a good guy before I realized I wasn't showing her that I did love her. I was verbally rude to her, always putting her down, ignored her... I was horrible.

 

I just can't get over that she can be close to someone else physically. Well if she did or didn't. I don't know if I should investigate a bit deeper but my friend told me if I keep pestering I can lose her and that my wife is like her if she's accused she'll do it just because of the accusation.

 

However my wife for a month has been so loving and sweet. Before my 'attempt suicide' she did try to talk to me she texted me to come to the other room so we can talk. (I didn't check my phone cause I was battling myself). This was minutes before I did it. Weird. She said she would of finally talked to me and talked because she realized she didn't want to just leave and let go of 'us'.

 

Lastnight my wife took me out to dinner, she's being so nice...Should I just get over what happened over a month ago and just ignore his texts? he did taper down to 1-3 texts a day....

Edited October 28, 2010 by cjay

[YellowShark]

I want to believe that she didn't do any physical because she said she didn't. Emotional yes I can believe it. I wasn't a good guy before I realized I wasn't showing her that I did love her. I was verbally rude to her, always putting her down, ignored her... I was horrible.

 

Being horrible is not a free pass for your wife to then go and advertise for men on Craigslist under the heading "Exotic Woman Looking for Fun" cjay.

 

I don't know if I should investigate a bit deeper but my friend told me if I keep pestering I can lose her and that my wife is like her if she's accused she'll do it just because of the accusation.

 

She'll cheat because you're accusing her of cheating? That's kinda nuts if she actually would do that that to you cjay. Your wife should not be posting for men on Craigslist. Unless you have an open marriage. Is your marriage open?

 

And if she has a problem with you being a bad husband - (verbally rude to her, always putting her down, ignoring her) - she should confront you, or leave... and not post for men on Craigslist.

 

However my wife for a month has been so loving and sweet. Before my 'attempt suicide' she did try to talk to me she texted me to come to the other room so we can talk. (I didn't check my phone cause I was battling myself). This was minutes before I did it. Weird. She said she would of finally talked to me and talked because she realized she didn't want to just leave and let go of 'us'.

 

You and your wife need to walk to the "other room" to talk to each other when there is something to say.. not text. Here was a missed opportunity because someone simply didn't walk to the other room. I think both of you really need to try some couples therapy and work on your communication skills.

 

Lastnight my wife took me out to dinner, she's being so nice...Should I just get over what happened over a month ago and just ignore his texts? he did taper down to 1-3 texts a day....

 

I would suggest your wife change her phone number and then the texts will stop. It's not the other guys fault your wife was posting for men on Craigslist and caught this "guy" in her web. Ignore him and cut the line of communication.

 

From what you wrote your marriage is suffering from bad communication, childhood-jealousy, infidelity, attempted suicide... a lot of baggage. So please, for the sake of your marriage, go see a couples therapist to work through all these issues.

 

Best of luck.

[PegNosePete]

I want to believe that she didn't do any physical because she said she didn't.

I am going to tell you a trade secret here. Don't tell anyone I told you, I could get in trouble! It's one of the biggest secrets. There is a very elite circle of people who know this secret.

 

Cheaters lie.

[cjay]

@ PegNosePete - Haha, I know cheaters lie. I have seen my mom and dad go at it for so long. I knew my dad lied, and I caught him cheating... This is why it's so difficult because I had trust issues for so long and finally when I found that proof, I'm just believing her now.

 

@ YellowShark - No we don't have an open relationship...I think those type of relationships are wrong in a sense for us. It's like sharing intimacy which should be kept between my wife and I. I have jealousy issues, yes. But she always flirts but she's just naturally friendly to EVERYONE. She has a quirky personality.

 

 

 

You're right, we had horrible communication skills. We always misunderstood each other, which lead to fighting and arguments. So we are both working on those. This is why I wanted to be more open, which makes me more prone to sensitivity.

 

We actually joined a couples retreat to work on our problems. I don't really want to talk about religion here because I'm not sure what everyone will think. But for the sake of this answer I have to. Well after my failed attempt at suicide, I found God. She was always a religious person and I never fully embraced it. So we've been going to church and this past weekend we went to a couples retreat that lasted from Friday night through Sunday night. We worked on our communication skills and wow they worked. We have 12 post sessions to attend weekly, and it's been quite a positive experience. She opened up to me like she never has and it's nice.

 

It's true she did post on Craigslist. This guy is so persistant. This is why I'm confused. Why would someone text someone if she cut line of communication. She ignores him and does not respond to him through text and by e-mail (she ignores his emails). I did bring up changing her number but somehow we got into another topic.

 

It's weird cause people are saying let it go, the past is the past. Don't dig it up...

[Owl]

It's true she did post on Craigslist. This guy is so persistant. This is why I'm confused. Why would someone text someone if she cut line of communication. She ignores him and does not respond to him through text and by e-mail (she ignores his emails). I did bring up changing her number but somehow we got into another topic.

 

She's not responding...that you're aware of.

 

Next thought...have you replayed that conversation in your mind? My money says she changed the subject...so subtly that you missed it.

 

Time to go back and revisit that subject.

 

Point blank...tell her that you're willing to change and fix your behaviors and attitudes...but you need the same thing from her.

 

You need reassurances from her, that after having found her posts on Craigslist that she's NOW trustworthy. That means she needs to change her cell phone/email/etc... and give you full access them as well.

 

 

It's weird cause people are saying let it go, the past is the past. Don't dig it up...

 

Don't listen to these idiots. They clearly have no understanding about relationships. You don't build a relationship on a rocky foundation of covering up bad things and acting like they didn't happen. You work through them, you resolve them...and you rebuild on the new foundation of trust, communication, and respect created in that process.

 

I'd seriously suggest marriage counseling. You need a neutral third party present who can get past her lies, and help the both of you communicate and address the real issues here.

[cjay]

Owl - Thanks for your response. I am somewhat weary of asking her to change her number again, she always assumes that I'm angry and make accusations...This is the type of person she is with everybody, not just me. She is easily sensitive and gets defensive. So I am more cautious with things I say or do because I really don't want her to shut down again...

 

We tried marriage counselor a few months ago. We went once but due to her being laid off and working one income. We decided it's best for us not to go since it was $80/hr session...I know we need marriage counseling but due to costs right now it's not good. i did suggest counseling before the 'attempt suicide' but she said that we should go do individual counseling and work on ourselves first and then maybe the relationship will flourish.

 

So this is why this past month, we go to church a lot. Went to the retreat for 'broken couples' to work on communication. And it was a success. She is more open about things.

[Owl]

OK...that defensive angry response she's got when you ask about the phone....it's a technique used in a term called "gaslighting".

 

She's making you feel bad for asking, so that you don't ask her to make changes that she doesn't want to make.

 

And...it's working.

 

It's up to you my friend. I wish you the best.

[YellowShark]

Owl - Thanks for your response. I am somewhat weary of asking her to change her number again, she always assumes that I'm angry and make accusations...This is the type of person she is with everybody, not just me. She is easily sensitive and gets defensive. So I am more cautious with things I say or do because I really don't want her to shut down again..

OK...that defensive angry response she's got when you ask about the phone....it's a technique used in a term called "gaslighting".

 

She's making you feel bad for asking, so that you don't ask her to make changes that she doesn't want to make.

 

And...it's working.

 

What OWL said CJ.

 

If your wife is truly repentant/remorseful and committed to repairing the marriage CJ then she should want to change her cell phone number FOR YOU. It's a way she can show you - her husband - that she is committed and wants to make things right. It would also cut the line of communication from this guy and all the other guys who answered her Craigslist ad.

 

If she resists, her actions say to me she is not fully committed in fixing things between you two.

 

{edited to add..}

 

Same with her drinking too much. If your wife is truly repentant/remorseful and committed to repairing the marriage then she should want to stop drinking excessively FOR YOU. (Her drinking and hiding it crosses a boundary - (which you posted) - that you are entirely uncomfortable with.. and it certainly seems to cloud her judgement when she is out with friends or at a bar.)

Edited October 28, 2010 by YellowShark

[cjay]

@ Owl - Gaslighting? Sorry I'm not familiar with what that means...

 

@ Yellowshark - I will try again and ask her to change her cell phone number...

 

Also, her drinking has stopped. She told me that she was drinking to hide her feelings and just to get away of how mean I was...Which is true I was emotionally abusive and was an a**hole.

 

Thanks guys!

 

Update: It's weird about 3 weeks ago she asked me if we can move. We have a big beautiful home in Vegas and I have a great job...Well semi-great. And she finally told me she is miserable here. So I agreed to move, because I think the drinking was influenced here too. Bad friends and atmosphere (open bar with top shelf drinks, seriously twice a week). I agreed to this. What are your thoughts?

[In Like Flynn]

So is she still taking bike rides to the OM's house to hook up on the way to and from work??? Brace yourself if/when she finally decides to tell the truth about thier relationship!! Right now she will tell you as little as possible!

[cjay]

She doesn't have work right now. She got laid off a few months ago. She biked to my work on 10/07 just to do lunch. LoL.

[cjay]

If there is some truth to it being more than an EA, I don't think she'll tell me. She knows I don't cope well with stuff like that.

[Gman95670]

I don't know what to do. Should I confront him? Should I tell my wife....I tried to bring it up with my wife but she gets so annoyed by me and it's going soo good right now that I don't want to ruin our happy marriage, since it's been void of happiness for so long...Am I just being paranoid and misunderstanding things? should I truly just let it go and ignore it, like my friend suggests?

 

You may believe it's going good right now but it isn't. You have major doubts and it appears your wife is not being totally upfront with you. She could stop the guy texting her if she wanted to. True, you may be paranoid and misunderstanding things, but that does not explain why she is still accepting his texts. She lied about him when she claimed her account had been hacked. It's time for her to come clean... she is having sex on the side.

 

My suggestion is to do one of two things. Decide to move on or decide to accept her as she is.

[BlackLovely]

CJay, you sound like a battered wife who makes excuses for her husband's beatings.

There shouldn't be ANY TEXTS AT ALL FROM OTHER MEN on YOUR wife's phone!

She's cheating, my dear. You are not paranoid. Either you put up with this crap or you leave.

Take your pick.

[Owl]

@ Owl - Gaslighting? Sorry I'm not familiar with what that means...

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

 

There's a link to one definition of it. The bottom line is that she is deliberately manipulating the situation to make you doubt what you saw.

 

How can you truly believe that someone hacked her email accounts and setup a craigslist account trolling for men??? Puh-leese. And the odds of that, coupled with all the things that cause you to be concerned are......????

 

You've had those gut feelings for a while. Then you find the evidence in her email and texts...but...she knows that you truly don't want to believe she'd do something like this, so she SUDDENLY becomes all lovey-dovey, and at the same time tries to convince you that what you saw couldn't possibly be true....and you go along with this mental judo because you really don't want to believe that she could do this to you.

 

We see this pretty commonly on LS.

 

At this point, you can either play along with her game...and be happy, until she's convinced that she's got you fooled and she'll resume her ways. Or you can continue to try to get to the truth of what's going on and what's gone on.

 

It's up to you, my friend.

[YellowShark]

How can you truly believe that someone hacked her email accounts and setup a craigslist account trolling for men??? Puh-leese. And the odds of that, coupled with all the things that cause you to be concerned are......????

 

 

Absolutely. The probability that someone went to all that work just to "frame" your wife is .0000000000000000000000000001% CJ. The probability that she did it is 99.9%.

[goingstrong]

I have never read about a man who cried so much. Number one, stop it!!!!....women do not love men they cannot respect. Number 2...stop being her doormat and lay down the terms for the relationship.

[2long]

If there is some truth to it being more than an EA, I don't think she'll tell me. She knows I don't cope well with stuff like that.

 

You're going 2 have 2 learn 2 cope with it, because based on your initial post, she's having a PA.

 

This is one of those hard lessons at the school of hard knocks. I know when you're young and in love, you want so hard 2 believe that your fairy tale is true and shared by your "solemate" that you'll even convince yourself that the evidence you have isn't telling you what it's telling you.

 

She gets angry because you invaded her SECRECY (Privacy = you get 2 lock the bathroom door when you're carving a twister. Secrecy = you get 2 yell at your BH for snooping because you know it will make him feel guilty for doing it and you'll be able 2 continue 2 hide the fact that you're cheating on him).

 

She's an alcoholic. I hope when you said "she quit drinking" that meant for life. Is she in AA meetings? She needs 2 be.

 

Consider looking in2 infidelity survival books. I'd recommend someone like Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends". Possibly Willard Harley's "Surviving an Affair".

 

Also consider. You've been married a short time, you're young, and you have no kids. If you don't address the infidelity 2gether head on and in detail now, what will you do in another 10 years, particularly if you have kids then, and she cheats again (or continues all that time)?

 

It might make the most sense 2 cut your losses and chalk it up 2 experience.

 

-ol' 2long

[cjay]

Thanks guys for all your responses... I am dealing with what to do. I do love her but I don't want to be like my mom who wants didn't divorce my dad, even when he had another son with his mistress.

 

the crying is due to depression... This is why I got sensitive. I use to be strong and stern but I mistaken loving and caring with sensitivity. I need to calm down my nerves.

 

Do you really think she's throwing me off with her nice gestures? That would be cruel. We are moving because she wants to leave Vegas because she is miserable here. I agreed to it. So after the move, I will access what our life is.

 

She did agree to changing her number...So hopefully that stuff stops. I am betrayed but why does my love blind me? Why does my heart continue to love her... Sometimes I want revenge. I want to find a woman who is sexy, loving, sweet, kind, and open....And shove it in my wife's face. But that's not who I am.

 

Yes we are young but we have been together almost 9 years. And it's difficult because we have been through a lot together...I mean a lot...

 

So we are moving after the move, if she continues to be secretive, I will move back to California and just lay it out to her. Funny thing is, I'm always one step ahead of her if she thinks on doing that to me again.... I just didn't want to be on my mom's end of the stick...Couldn't it be the other way around where I was fooling around?? JK JK

[Owl]

Do you really think she's throwing me off with her nice gestures?

 

Yes.

 

Sounds like you have a plan. I wish you the best of luck!

[YellowShark]

I do love her but I don't want to be like my mom..

 

Exactly.

 

This is why I got sensitive. I use to be strong and stern but I mistaken loving and caring with sensitivity. I need to calm down my nerves.

 

Yes. Deep breaths, count to ten, then be a calm decent man who deserves respect. Don't be a doormat that is being gaslit by his young, conflicted, alcoholic wife.. who was posting on Craigslist and meeting random men!

 

Do you really think she's throwing me off with her nice gestures? That would be cruel. We are moving because she wants to leave Vegas because she is miserable here. I agreed to it. So after the move, I will access what our life is.

 

I'm not telling you what to do but if it was me I would keep my good job and my nice house in Vegas until I was really sure my wife was back on my side. That's just me. Do what you need to do.

 

She did agree to changing her number...So hopefully that stuff stops.

 

That's great news. Trust but verify. Ask to see the paperwork she'll have for the cancellation confirmation for her old cell number.

 

I'm always one step ahead of her if she thinks on doing that to me again.

 

Yup. Watch for the red flags. Too much attention with their cell, computer, email, Facebook, MySpace, etc. Denial or extreme defensiveness over showing you their cell, computer, email, Facebook profile, etc. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Also look for changes in their work habits and daily routine, inconsistencies in what they say, unusual tension in the relationship, sudden emotional distance. And new clothes, especially under wear/lingerie they never wear for you. Those kinda flags.

 

Good luck.

[Mimolicious]

Ok, honestly... I couldn't read through all of your post but one thing that kept on popping up was "My friend told me to do"- first of all ShE IS 27 y/o and MARRIED to be commanded by what "her friend tells her to do".

 

I guess you don't have children. RUN AND RUN NOW! Seriously.

 

Your W has issues and if this is the person that you want to raise a family with, by all means... she seems to still think that life is a huge playground and she wants to play on the monkey bars.

 

If you want to be her doormat and be disrespected every now and then, be exposed to std's and deal with a loose cannon. Good luck! Your marriage has existed the room, in case you have not noticed.

 

You- you will turn into your mom if you allow your W to be a part of your life without changing her ways. I am not telling you something that I havent gone through myself. Build the strength and bounce!

 

It will get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Unfortunately for you (Or really for her!) "better" may be to end your M.

 

Editing to add. After reading a few replies... CJay- with all due respect bro, you have no business being in a marriage. Sucks that you already are but you have many isssues that you need to address as an individual first, before you are capable of even dealing with a R. Your childhood has left you chipped, your W is cracking you, soon you'll shatter.

 

Seek individual counseling.

Edited October 29, 2010 by Mimolicious