getting weak regarding contact

[GoingBananas]

I am a MW that was involved with a MM in an EA for about 6 months. I broke it off with him and went nc 9 days ago. At first the nc was easy. Then 3 days into it, he emails me that he misses me. Also, to let me know that he had a death in his family. At that time i ignored his email, it was easy. On Day 4 we were at the same event, but I completely ignored him. I know he saw me, he said hello to my friend. I knew there was a chance I might see him, and was not sure how I would react to seeing him. It was still pretty easy to ignore him at that point.

 

Fast forward to today. Day 9. He emails again. I am weakening, and feel like I should respond to him. He knows that in previous relationships, if it ends, I basically treat the person like they are dead. So in today's email he says he wonders if people are reincarnated or come back to life in my world. I don't know what to do. I never told him my feelings when I broke it off. Plus we have to be at 2 events next week and it will be extremely hard to avoid him. Once that is over, I'll most likely never run into him again. We don't travel in the same circles.

 

I know I should not respond at all. I need help. I'm trying to read through as many threads as I can to help me stay strong. I am trying to keep my days busy so I dont think about contacting him. I am so proud for making it this far and I don't want to ruin it.

[Circular]

I am a MW that was involved with a MM in an EA for about 6 months. I broke it off with him and went nc 9 days ago. At first the nc was easy. Then 3 days into it, he emails me that he misses me. Also, to let me know that he had a death in his family. At that time i ignored his email, it was easy. On Day 4 we were at the same event, but I completely ignored him. I know he saw me, he said hello to my friend. I knew there was a chance I might see him, and was not sure how I would react to seeing him. It was still pretty easy to ignore him at that point.

 

Fast forward to today. Day 9. He emails again. I am weakening, and feel like I should respond to him. He knows that in previous relationships, if it ends, I basically treat the person like they are dead. So in today's email he says he wonders if people are reincarnated or come back to life in my world. I don't know what to do. I never told him my feelings when I broke it off. Plus we have to be at 2 events next week and it will be extremely hard to avoid him. Once that is over, I'll most likely never run into him again. We don't travel in the same circles.

 

I know I should not respond at all. I need help. I'm trying to read through as many threads as I can to help me stay strong. I am trying to keep my days busy so I dont think about contacting him. I am so proud for making it this far and I don't want to ruin it.

 

Congrats on the 9 days that's a great start. Now, what you need to do is make that 9 days 18 days, then 27 days, and keep going. When you hit 180 days then take a deep breath and decide what you want to do.

 

One question though, why did you break it off? The way you said 'He knows that in previous relationships, if it ends, I basically treat the person like they are dead.' so are you a serial-A MW?

[GoingBananas]

No. This was my first and last A.

 

As far as relationships go, that is the way I have dealt with friendships with women friends and all prior boyfriends.

[Circular]

Ok, it does happen and I just wanted to understand what your mindset was.

 

I think you're going to find that it gets harder before it gets better and your going to feel weak and at times it's going to be very easy to get 'itchy fingers' to type something, to call, to make some type of contact. You just need to step back, focus on something else and realize why you need to not be in the situation. There are a lot of threads here, even recent ones that talk about this very challenge around NC. There was a good recent thread also about things to be careful of, what if NC breaks, etc... There's always the potential that one or the other will have a moment of weakness and reach out to the other.

 

If you were clear with him that it was 'over' and he understand that you're now in NC, then he knows the rules. There's no need to reach out to him and in a way you have to look at that as him being disrespectful to your request. Sure, he's feeling the loss also, those who have been there completely get the emotional pain that comes along with it. And, only after 9 days he's not trying to make reparations he's trying to get gurantees to ensure there's a possibility again down the road, keep the door ajar, it's a very common tactic (I'm not saying he's plotting this, its almost a natural response to loss) I think though you need to be 6 months or more out of the A before you can really decide if you even want to respond. At that point you should be able to have better control over both your boundaries and your emotions. I think it's up to every individual to decide what they want, NC or LC... My feeling is LC is a lot more painful. I've been in NC (ok, a few flubs) for over six months. It's been tough but it does get easier and the perspective I have now is 10000000x better than what I had in the midst of the whole A. It's also a good point to start assessing what it is within you that drove you to the A to begin with.

 

BTW, I agree... once is enough for me to stomach.

[GoingBananas]

I broke it off because I was tired of being second place, tired of all the wondering what was happening at his home, not being able to talk to him when i want, etc.

[GoingBananas]

I was definitely clear that it was over, although I never said "please do not contact me". I just assumed he wouldn't, given the fact I had been up front with respect to how I dealt with previous relationships. Perhaps I need to say that now? I do feel terrible, i broke it off through email. I would've rather done it in person, but I tried 3 times that way (over he course of a few months) and each time I was too weak to go through with it - he'd say "I'm not letting you go", or would not accept a break up.

 

I agree, I could never do LC. As you can see from how i deal with relationships, right or wrong, I am an all or nothing kind of woman.

 

And I am working on figuring out why I did it in the first place. This website has really been a tremendous help to me. I can only hope that one day I will be in a position to help others here.

 

I think I need to go read some more threads before I start typing an email!

[fooled once]

I was definitely clear that it was over, although I never said "please do not contact me". I just assumed he wouldn't, given the fact I had been up front with respect to how I dealt with previous relationships. Perhaps I need to say that now? I do feel terrible, i broke it off through email. I would've rather done it in person, but I tried 3 times that way (over he course of a few months) and each time I was too weak to go through with it - he'd say "I'm not letting you go", or would not accept a break up.

 

I agree, I could never do LC. As you can see from how i deal with relationships, right or wrong, I am an all or nothing kind of woman.

 

And I am working on figuring out why I did it in the first place. This website has really been a tremendous help to me. I can only hope that one day I will be in a position to help others here.

 

I think I need to go read some more threads before I start typing an email!

 

Most cheaters do not respect boundaries or wishes. They are all about ME ME ME.

 

My advice - do NOT email him.

 

(just saw that this was from a few days ago --- have you contacted him?)

[BB07]

Ever heard the expression "out of sight, out of mind"? It really does work.......but him emailing you isn't out of sight. Can you do something to stop the emails.......block him, abandon the email address and get another?