marksaysay Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 (edited) For those of you not familiar with my situation, I started a thread about it a week or so ago. Read it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t250291/ Today, I began the 180 method. I actually got an opportunity to see the affects fairly quickly. I made some plans to hang out with some coworkers tonight. Then my wife calls and says that since our daughter is sick and since she would be hanging out with me tomorrow because of no school, she rather she stay with me this evening. When I told her that we would have to work something out because today was not my day to have her, and because I had already made plans, she didn't seem to like it very much. I hope this works. I'm gonna stay the course. I also noticed from the computer's history that she'd looked up quotes about forgiveness to post on facebook. Now her lack of forgiveness is one of the reasons we find ourselves in this situation. I'm not saying that nothing I did didn't warrant some anger, but as a Christian, I believe what the bible says about love being blind. She may have been also mad because I think she found out that I'd saved an excel file of all her cell phone activity. She may have even gotten on here, as she did a few days ago to read what was being posted. Who knows, but I will stay the course. Do you all perceive these as good signs or not? If she did these things, which I really believe she did, why would she if she was "checked out" or "done" with this relationship? Edited October 27, 2010 by marksaysay
You Go Girl Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 One can forgive without reconciliation. What sign has she made that she wants you back? If none, what sign have you made that would prove that you are a man who will finally be honest with his wife?
What_Next Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Using a 180 style approach definitely has it's advantages and if used properly can be an effective behavior pattern. However, be aware that it might have negative effects as well. Trust your heart.
Author marksaysay Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Today has already been interesting. She drops daughter off at our home b/c they don't have school and she said she hopes I feel good about kicking her and our daughter out (They've been staying at her friends house). I said i didnt kick anyone out. She said i did when i woudnt stay away. This is what i mean about her never taking responsibility. If she makes the choice to do something, its still my fault. She later calls asking for help to get another car. When I was hesitant she blows up saying I was selfish and that I wouldn't help when every time I've asked, she says dont worry about it. I really think my going out got under her skin by going out and having a good time last night. There havent really been any signs she wants me back but I will continue to take take care of my business.
Author marksaysay Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Using a 180 style approach definitely has it's advantages and if used properly can be an effective behavior pattern. However, be aware that it might have negative effects as well. Trust your heart. Please explain the negative effects?
beachbum84 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I'd be careful to not engage in any large purchases or financial support for her right now. Outside of financially supporting your child. Of course. If she was big enough and strong enough to walk out, let her have the scenario she wanted. I wouldn't be nasty about it. But if you want her back, catering her new lifestyle isn't going to make her think, "Oh I miss him". She'll just use you. She's starting to realize that her stunt isn't as glamorous as it seemed in her head prior to leaving. I say keep up with your 180 plan, and avoid any aide to her right now. If she still doesn't want you back at least you didn't lose anything else than just her. ;-)
carhill Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Remember, OP, use 'I' statements.... When she's Hoovering you, merely say 'I xxxx' as examples, 'I feel used when xxx' or 'I feel unappreciated when xxx' or 'I feel betrayed when xxx' 'Why are you being so selfish?' 'I feel used and unappreciated when xxxx and that's unacceptable to me. Good bye'. Don't give her a chance to manipulate the situation. Women are expert manipulators. It is their 'fist' knocking your teeth back into your throat. Focus on business, regaining your health (the counseling for the porn and other issues) and your daughter's health and well-being. What advice has your lawyer given you?
Author marksaysay Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 I'd be careful to not engage in any large purchases or financial support for her right now. Outside of financially supporting your child. Of course. If she was big enough and strong enough to walk out, let her have the scenario she wanted. I wouldn't be nasty about it. But if you want her back, catering her new lifestyle isn't going to make her think, "Oh I miss him". She'll just use you. She's starting to realize that her stunt isn't as glamorous as it seemed in her head prior to leaving. I say keep up with your 180 plan, and avoid any aide to her right now. If she still doesn't want you back at least you didn't lose anything else than just her. ;-) These were my exact thoughts. I don't want my daughter to have to suffer but her mother right now is, in some ways, being irrational. I, too, think she'll find out it's not gonna be as smooth and easy as she thought. I wasn't mean about it. I just said I had some reservations about helping by her a car after she filed for a divorce. While I do want her to miss me, my financial support, or more accurately, my good standing credit is not exactly what I want her to really miss. I do still love her deeply and I do think the fact that I'd gone out last night bothered her more than she will admit, especially since one of her complaints was I wouldn't have fun or go anywhere, but I told her that I could and would change. That was just an example of my actions speaking louder than words. I'm gonna continue to make changes for a better me. Maybe at some point she will decide to be a part of the 'new' me. Maybe she won't.
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