lenny Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I was reading some of the other threads and a comment here and there popped out at me that made me curious. It's already too late for my new guy - we like spending time together and it's just way easier for him to come over than go out. Wondering about the general consensus.
LiveWell Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 A parent shouldn't be dating anyone that they would feel uncomfortable being around their kids, from day one, period. That doesn't mean the new person should get incorporated into the family's life from day one. But this whole notion that a new bf/gf needs to be "isolated" from the children for any significant length of time is weird and creepy. Maybe it primarily applies to people who have multiple ONS and F-buddies or something, that's confusing to children I guess.
brainygirl Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Livewell, I can't disagree more. When I date, I date the guy away from my kids. He knows I have kids, I don't hide them or anything. But dating is an adult activity and should take place between adults. Bringing new people around the kids and playing family for a few weeks or months and then having those people go away can be traumatic to children. They may become attached to that person. It isn't fair to the kids to do that to them. That isn't to say the kids can't know that their parents date, they just don't need to be part of the process. When things become very serious and both parties are sure that the relationship will be a long term one, then start bringing the kids into things.
LiveWell Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Livewell, I can't disagree more. When I date, I date the guy away from my kids. Why? Assuming the guy is not some kind of a creeper, the only reason to keep him away from the kids would be to avoid emphasizing that a serious relationship with a parent of small children is a "package deal." Out of sight, out of mind? The kids are part of your life. Package deal. He knows I have kids, I don't hide them or anything. But dating is an adult activity and should take place between adults. I never said you should take the kids out on your dates with the guy. But I don't take MY kids out when I have "date nights" with my wife, either. Bringing new people around the kids and playing family for a few weeks or months and then having those people go away can be traumatic to children. Actually what I think might be a little "traumatic" is when bobby and suzy here mommy banging a different guy every other weekend over in the next bedroom. I don't think bobby and suzy are traumatized when mommy's new bf wants to take them all to the zoo or a museum on Sunday afternoon. Assuming of course she's relatively sane and hasn't picked a creeper of some kind. They may become attached to that person. It isn't fair to the kids to do that to them. It's not fair to take them to the zoo? That isn't to say the kids can't know that their parents date, they just don't need to be part of the process. When things become very serious and both parties are sure that the relationship will be a long term one, then start bringing the kids into things. LOL typical nonsense. What this is really all about is that "mommy" wants the freedom to bring home different random FWB's for casual sex when she wants. Obviously THOSE guys should not be exposed to the children. But a real boyfriend? Why not? Like I said--if you're not comfortable enough with him to expose your children to him, why would you date him at all in the first place?
EasyHeart Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 But this whole notion that a new bf/gf needs to be "isolated" from the children for any significant length of time is weird and creepy. Maybe it primarily applies to people who have multiple ONS and F-buddies or something, that's confusing to children I guess.That's absurd. Children bond easily. Breaking up is hard enough on adults, and it's orders of magnitude more difficult for children. Responsible parents keep their children separate from their dating partners until they determine that the relationship is a serious one. And you can't possibly know that for a few months. Most single parents I know keep their dating partners separate from their children for about 3-6 months. That's enough time to get to know each other and decide if it might lead to a permanent relationship. And it avoids traumatizing your child every time you break up with someone. Adults bond with kids, too. I don't want to get attached to someone's child and then find out that I like the kid, but not the mom. So I think a responsible person dating a single parent would want to keep the child out of the relationship until he/she has determined that the parent is a suitable partner.
Titania22 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 It depends. Is the guy going to act all weird? Is the guy going to be condescending to the children? Is the guy going to try to act like a father father? Are you going to do anything intimate in front of the kids (meaning even holding hands or anything flirtatious? If any of these are true, I would say wait, until you feel there is a future. But if the guy is capable of talking the children just as any family friend would, and if you can behave just as friends in front of the kids, it's all cool. Because then you will already know if the kids gel with him, if you decide to take it further, and if you don't it won't matter. The kids will see how making friends takes meeting people, and it doesn't always work. But beware of guys who try to get to you by buying off your kids. (Red Flag!)
EasyHeart Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Actually what I think might be a little "traumatic" is when bobby and suzy here mommy banging a different guy every other weekend over in the next bedroom. I don't think bobby and suzy are traumatized when mommy's new bf wants to take them all to the zoo or a museum on Sunday afternoon. Assuming of course she's relatively sane and hasn't picked a creeper of some kind.Bobby and Suzy don't get traumatized when Mommy's new BF takes them to the Zoo; they get traumatized when he's not around to take them any more.
brainygirl Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 For an idea of why I think the boyfriend should be carefully vetted and kept separate until the mom REALLY knows him, google two words "Mother's boyfriend" I'll wait while you tell me what you found.
Author lenny Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 Not sure if there are any actual statistics out there but abuse can come from family and family friends just as easily in my opinion. I don't think you can know anyone well enough to know if they've got any dark perversions. In my lifestyle, I rarely do anything that is not kid friendly and without my kid. My second date with my current boyfriend, I was going to a gathering at my friends to watch a football game (with my kid) and the boyfriend tagged along. It was a very nice second date. My friends, as they come and go, are a part of my child's life. Putting a boyfriend in a parental roll, I can't comment on since I've never done that before but having the boyfriend involved in my family life - as a friend of mine, I do.
LiveWell Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 For an idea of why I think the boyfriend should be carefully vetted and kept separate until the mom REALLY knows him, google two words "Mother's boyfriend" I'll wait while you tell me what you found. I'm afraid to, I'm assuming you've done it already, and found something very unpleasant. I gotta be very careful with what I look for in google, sometimes all kinds of nasty stuff comes up.
brainygirl Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I'm afraid to, I'm assuming you've done it already, and found something very unpleasant. I gotta be very careful with what I look for in google, sometimes all kinds of nasty stuff comes up. just use the news service, no pictures, but you'll get a clues as to why so many SMART women are so cautious.
that girl Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I don't have kids, but if I started dating someone with kids, I would not want to be introduced early on. And it isn't because I dislike kids, I am totally a kid person. But I don't think it is fair for the child for me to be involved in their life unless we know that this relationship has a good chance of being long term.
Author lenny Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Well, now my boyfriend is over all the time to watch movies and stuff with me so is around my kid a lot. This wasn't until probably after about date 20 or so. Previous to that the boyfriend and the kid were both with me on a couple of visits to friends. I guess I would agree that in my situation the boyfriend didn't become a regular part of my family environment until I knew I was going to be keeping him around for a while. In all honesty, this is the first boyfriend I've done this with so the kids have never seen me around any man besides their father before. Its kind of strange for me which is why I was curious about other peoples opinions here. I am seeing a move in happen in the future and it's really weirding me out since I've never gone there before.
Author lenny Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Yes but not openly admitting it yet His friends know it, my friends know it, we won't say it.
26.2 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I feel pretty strongly about this, since I am currently dating and have 2 small children. I made the mistake twice with guys that I thought were going to be around for a long time. My older son still asks about one of them. I feel as though its not just about how serious the relationship is. It is about time. I'm not sure I would feel comfortable bringing a guy around my kids for at least a year, possibly even 2 years unless there was an engagement ring. There is a catch 22 here, a man could be completely committed to you and stay the course for a good long time but realize that the package deal is not what he wants after meeting your child/children. It is one of the most difficult situations! But in the end, babies come first... What we expose them to now is what will shape their opinions of the opposite sex. I would say, talk to the guy you are dating about your kids. keep talking about them. Show picturesd, let him know how much they are actually a part of your life, but hold off on the introductions for a long time. There must be good guys out there who respect protective momma bears.
Stung Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I have a friend who has two daughters, and while she is a good mother in many respects--and nobody is ever a flawless parent--she makes a lot of choices I wouldn't make, including introducing her romantic interests to her daughters way too fast. Part of the problem is that she has a bad people-picker, seems to have a penchant for very controlling personalities, and her relationships inevitably implode in ugly ways, AFTER everybody has been living together and playing happy family. I know it's a hard line to walk for her and I am in no way suggesting that she go without any kind of love life, but I have watched those girls get very emotionally involved with 3 significant others/stepparents in the past 6.5 years, and then have their worlds turned upside down each time when the relationship ends badly and their happy family disintegrates. It's very painful for all of them but I don't think my friend clearly sees how damaging it is for those girls, who are starting to develop some issues. Anyway, in general, I don't know if there can be hard and fast rules. I think it depends on a variety of factors. Does the parent generally have a good relationship history/people-picker? Have the children been through a lot of disappointment, recently? Do they have daddy/mommy issues, or is their other parent functional and loving and present in their lives? The ages and social skills of everyone involved probably play a part, too.
brainygirl Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I have a friend who has two daughters, and while she is a good mother in many respects--and nobody is ever a flawless parent--she makes a lot of choices I wouldn't make, including introducing her romantic interests to her daughters way too fast. Part of the problem is that she has a bad people-picker, seems to have a penchant for very controlling personalities, and her relationships inevitably implode in ugly ways, AFTER everybody has been living together and playing happy family. I know it's a hard line to walk for her and I am in no way suggesting that she go without any kind of love life, but I have watched those girls get very emotionally involved with 3 significant others/stepparents in the past 6.5 years, and then have their worlds turned upside down each time when the relationship ends badly and their happy family disintegrates. It's very painful for all of them but I don't think my friend clearly sees how damaging it is for those girls, who are starting to develop some issues. Anyway, in general, I don't know if there can be hard and fast rules. I think it depends on a variety of factors. Does the parent generally have a good relationship history/people-picker? Have the children been through a lot of disappointment, recently? Do they have daddy/mommy issues, or is their other parent functional and loving and present in their lives? The ages and social skills of everyone involved probably play a part, too. My ex-husband does this, he moves in with women with relatively short dating terms. He will live with them for a year or less, play daddy to their kids. And then it goes south, he's out on his azz, living with his parents again, and my kids loose their "step mom" and "step siblings" again. Not that they miss them, the 12 year old is to the point of being seriously over the crap his dad pulls.
Titania22 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Not that they miss them, the 12 year old is to the point of being seriously over the crap his dad pulls. Funny how they get like that! Kids today are alot more aware then alot of adults would give them credit for.
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